Here is my observations from the last 3-4 days:
I've decided that meeting single guys can go one of 2 ways in about the first 3 weeks:
1. Meet new guy - he doesn't immediately have a crush on you - you're nice to him - you get to be friends.
2. Meet a guy - does immediately have a crush on you - you're nice to him - you are leading him on. Bitch!
Sorry for the language, but that's what it seems like. If he doesn't like you, you're screwed if you ever like him back, but if he DOES like you, and you don't return the feelings you're a bitch for leading him on and crushing his heart.
If you flip the situation, though, and it's a guy meeting a girl, and they're nice to the girl, and the girl immediately likes the guy, the girl is an idiot if she assumes the guy likes her.
I'd just like to point out that it's not my fault, being NICE does not constitute leading on, and the whole situation not fair to girls.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
mellow rainy night
Tonight seems like a good night to update the blog. Did some marking, messing about on facebook, watched several (meaning 3) episodes of a very special new show called Maui Fever. I'm feeling pretty good about it all, and now I'm just veggin and mellow and havin a bit of a drink. Jammin to some finger eleven and the fray, chillin in the rain. (ok, the rain is outside, i'm inside but the windows open, so it smells good). I'm feelin like its going to be one of those "random capitalization" nights on the blog. Why capitalize when i just don't feel like it? I'm not teaching, so screw it. I'm a rebel. What can I say?
So, the year is almost done. happy about that. Don't get me wrong, i love my job, i just love the absence of my job a little more. i love the rain, probably equally to the sun, depending on the day. I should be more stressed about the whole "end of the year" thing. I should go do some more marking probably, try to catch up and all. I just don't really care... i'm a bit apathetic about it all really. It'll all get done before the end comes, it always does.
thoughts on life: i'm freaking happy right now. i love living alone, i love that i have friends in random places, i love that i never have to pay for a hotel if i don't want to, i love that wherever i go it's home. Whitecourt is home, Sherwood Park is home, GP is home. I have a pretty great life.
got some news today that made me think. I can't say what it was cause there are apparently 3 people that read this, and its a secret for another month or so. But in any case, it made me think that its about time i got married and all that. i'm at "that age" now. i love my friends, but at some point one of them has got to step up to the plate i figure. hopefully not to long from now, but whatever. like I said, i'm not complaining, just stating a fact.
thats enough for now. I should go mark it up.
So, the year is almost done. happy about that. Don't get me wrong, i love my job, i just love the absence of my job a little more. i love the rain, probably equally to the sun, depending on the day. I should be more stressed about the whole "end of the year" thing. I should go do some more marking probably, try to catch up and all. I just don't really care... i'm a bit apathetic about it all really. It'll all get done before the end comes, it always does.
thoughts on life: i'm freaking happy right now. i love living alone, i love that i have friends in random places, i love that i never have to pay for a hotel if i don't want to, i love that wherever i go it's home. Whitecourt is home, Sherwood Park is home, GP is home. I have a pretty great life.
got some news today that made me think. I can't say what it was cause there are apparently 3 people that read this, and its a secret for another month or so. But in any case, it made me think that its about time i got married and all that. i'm at "that age" now. i love my friends, but at some point one of them has got to step up to the plate i figure. hopefully not to long from now, but whatever. like I said, i'm not complaining, just stating a fact.
thats enough for now. I should go mark it up.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Oh the wonder of facebook. Aside from the obvious heroin-addictiveness that is facebook, there are several other reasons that I love it, one that just struck me like lightnening this morning. And here is it:
Facebook has pseudo replaced the phone. Its actually better than msn, because you don't have the immediate necessity to reply and you can tell people why you aren't on facebook at that moment by using facebook itself. Now some might argue that you can do this in the little msn comment bar, but that still begs the question, well why are you online if you're not available... even if you are set to "away."
By saying [Insert name here] is "going to [insert location]" you've immediately negated all questions that might arise from your absence. You can even go into more detail giving reasons and return times. In some cases it can even remove the need to call someone back - depending on the reason or if they are your facebook friend.
I really need to go now because "[This girl] is going to her parents house for the weekend and hasn't finished packing."
In closing: Thankyou facebook, thankyou.
Facebook has pseudo replaced the phone. Its actually better than msn, because you don't have the immediate necessity to reply and you can tell people why you aren't on facebook at that moment by using facebook itself. Now some might argue that you can do this in the little msn comment bar, but that still begs the question, well why are you online if you're not available... even if you are set to "away."
By saying [Insert name here] is "going to [insert location]" you've immediately negated all questions that might arise from your absence. You can even go into more detail giving reasons and return times. In some cases it can even remove the need to call someone back - depending on the reason or if they are your facebook friend.
I really need to go now because "[This girl] is going to her parents house for the weekend and hasn't finished packing."
In closing: Thankyou facebook, thankyou.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Goals and direction
Apparently anything worth writing about in the last month or so revolves around Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm a little embarrased about this, but not enough to NOT write whats on my mind, so here it goes.
I watched Blood Diamond tonight, alone (which is really not all that surprising) and it made me cry (also not that surprising). Here is a bit of background about me that you might not know:
1. I went to Mali, Africa when I was 16 for 2 months. In hind sight I can't believe my parents let me go, but I was pretty sure of myself and they were pretty sure of God, so it worked.
2. I had no idea what was going on politically or economically in Mali at the time and wasn't worried about it... maybe I wouldn't have gone if I was less ignorant though, so its a good thing probably.
3. What I did want to do was find out what a missionary does. I wanted to be a missionary and so I thought living with one would give me a good idea about what life was like.
4. I don't know if I still want to be a missionary most of the time. Sometimes though, like today, I feel driven to it, like there is a point to it.
Ok, so now to put it all together.
I go through stages when my life feels really pointless. Ok, I'm a teacher, so maybe pointless is the wrong word for it. I know that I'm teaching kids things that matter and for some of them I might be a good person who they like. I feel somewhat... replaceable I guess. I am doing a job that thousands of other people are qualified to do, though. At the U of A, something like 2-3 thousand people graduate from the Faculty of Education each year. So really, even though the kids might like me, and I may even make a difference in a few kids lives over the years, my job is replaceable. If I disappeared completely the school would scramble for a few days, maybe a week tops, and then there would be someone else in my classroom, with my kids, teaching my subjects.
These realizations, however, are not causing me to despair at this moment though. They are really just more background to where I'm going with all this.
I've decided that there is a reason that I'm alone. There is a reason that I haven't lost my faith, and there is a reason that my heart feels pulled to do more than give money when I see movies like Blood Diamond. I'm not built to stay. If I get married, I will marry someone who is ok not being stable or rich, but someone who is driven and needs fulfillment from something other than western success.
So here are my new rough goals for the next few years:
1. Go back to Africa
2. Be Irreplaceable.
3. Be Fulfilled.
Now the qualifier: It's late, I'm tired and ranty, and I don't know what this all will sound like tomorrow morning. I know that right now though, its where my heart is though, and if I need to I'll delete it later.
I watched Blood Diamond tonight, alone (which is really not all that surprising) and it made me cry (also not that surprising). Here is a bit of background about me that you might not know:
1. I went to Mali, Africa when I was 16 for 2 months. In hind sight I can't believe my parents let me go, but I was pretty sure of myself and they were pretty sure of God, so it worked.
2. I had no idea what was going on politically or economically in Mali at the time and wasn't worried about it... maybe I wouldn't have gone if I was less ignorant though, so its a good thing probably.
3. What I did want to do was find out what a missionary does. I wanted to be a missionary and so I thought living with one would give me a good idea about what life was like.
4. I don't know if I still want to be a missionary most of the time. Sometimes though, like today, I feel driven to it, like there is a point to it.
Ok, so now to put it all together.
I go through stages when my life feels really pointless. Ok, I'm a teacher, so maybe pointless is the wrong word for it. I know that I'm teaching kids things that matter and for some of them I might be a good person who they like. I feel somewhat... replaceable I guess. I am doing a job that thousands of other people are qualified to do, though. At the U of A, something like 2-3 thousand people graduate from the Faculty of Education each year. So really, even though the kids might like me, and I may even make a difference in a few kids lives over the years, my job is replaceable. If I disappeared completely the school would scramble for a few days, maybe a week tops, and then there would be someone else in my classroom, with my kids, teaching my subjects.
These realizations, however, are not causing me to despair at this moment though. They are really just more background to where I'm going with all this.
I've decided that there is a reason that I'm alone. There is a reason that I haven't lost my faith, and there is a reason that my heart feels pulled to do more than give money when I see movies like Blood Diamond. I'm not built to stay. If I get married, I will marry someone who is ok not being stable or rich, but someone who is driven and needs fulfillment from something other than western success.
So here are my new rough goals for the next few years:
1. Go back to Africa
2. Be Irreplaceable.
3. Be Fulfilled.
Now the qualifier: It's late, I'm tired and ranty, and I don't know what this all will sound like tomorrow morning. I know that right now though, its where my heart is though, and if I need to I'll delete it later.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Leonardo DiCaprio
Now, for possibly the most shallow and girlie blog of all time. I just watched "The Departed." Do you know what I was thinking? Was it, "Wow, Martin Scorsese sure deserves the Oscar for this one!" or even, "Great movie!" (which it was) or maybe "Wow, these people use the f-word more than anyone else I know."
Nope, it wasn't any of those things. Here is what I was thinking, for the most part:
Leonardo DiCaprio is hot. Not like teen-idol hot. And not, "wow, he's such a great person, I'm really happy with all of his humanitarian efforts around the world and his amazing humility" hot. Just plain hot. He's got the ripped bad boy look down. And I am happy he grew up. So there you go. Apparently Jack Dawson still has something to him.
I'm going to go to bed now. How did it get to be so late?
Nope, it wasn't any of those things. Here is what I was thinking, for the most part:
Leonardo DiCaprio is hot. Not like teen-idol hot. And not, "wow, he's such a great person, I'm really happy with all of his humanitarian efforts around the world and his amazing humility" hot. Just plain hot. He's got the ripped bad boy look down. And I am happy he grew up. So there you go. Apparently Jack Dawson still has something to him.
I'm going to go to bed now. How did it get to be so late?
Friday, February 23, 2007
content
Tonight I know what the word content means. I'm not joyful, not happy. I'm not depressed or sad. I'm just quiet and ok with life. I don't remember the last time I said words. Maybe to my mom on the phone on the way home from work? No, to the guy at the video rental place. That must have been it. Weird. I haven't said anything since before 5:00. That's about 5 hours ago. How can I be such a hermit on Friday night? Its part of the small-town really-tired-teacher package. I'll go to the city and party-it-up next weekend, but for tonight, quietness is ok.
Being alone all the time sucks. There. The same thing I've been saying since I moved here. I hate it. I mean, I like the town, I like the few people I do know here, I like my students, and some of the people I work with, but I hate being alone. Just having someone in the next room watching the crappy Canadian stand-up that is on in the background would be nice. This isn't another pathetic plea for a boyfriend, its just a longing for companionship. I miss my friends, my life, being thought of and included in Friday night stuff. When you move away, you don't get called and invited out. (Hell, you don't even get called period.) My phone bill is retarded. And most of the calls are to my parents. I'm ok being lame, but it would be nice to have a break from it once in a while. Its great to have friends, and I know I have them, and I'm not worried or insecure in my relationships with them so that I would need a nightly call to remind me that I'm still their friend. We talk on msn and things are normal when I visit, but having verbal interaction is necessary, I think. You want to be able to convey emotion and inflection with more than an emoticon sometimes. I know that its expensive and that I'm long distance to everyone, but frick, how unimportant am I that I'm not even worth a few dollars and a couple minutes?
I should explain one thing though. My sister does call. We talk almost every day. And I don't always have to dial. And that means a lot. It would be nice though if my phone rang once in a while (not even every night) and it was just a friend. Like a reminder that I'm important to someone.
Ok, I've managed to slip from content to depressed again. List of things that are good in my life:
- I finally get a day off tomorrow. Nothing scheduled. Just have to catch up on house stuff and work, but no major events.
- We started a new Bible Study on prayer based on a book by Philip Yancey (called Prayer, fittingly) that I'm really excited about. I think it will be good to do some work on it. Regardless of ones beliefs, it seems like prayer is a universal, depending on the situation. If life is bad enough, though, everyone calls to the supernatural for help. Maybe I'll write a blog about it.
- My car is still running. There might be something a little wrong with the wiring in one area, and maybe my tires need to be rotated, but it's started and run perfectly all winter. And this winter, that's saying something.
- I get a 25 minute drive to work each morning. I get to watch the sunrise and every day it's different.
- The week is done. Hallelujah.
- k, I'm better.
Being alone all the time sucks. There. The same thing I've been saying since I moved here. I hate it. I mean, I like the town, I like the few people I do know here, I like my students, and some of the people I work with, but I hate being alone. Just having someone in the next room watching the crappy Canadian stand-up that is on in the background would be nice. This isn't another pathetic plea for a boyfriend, its just a longing for companionship. I miss my friends, my life, being thought of and included in Friday night stuff. When you move away, you don't get called and invited out. (Hell, you don't even get called period.) My phone bill is retarded. And most of the calls are to my parents. I'm ok being lame, but it would be nice to have a break from it once in a while. Its great to have friends, and I know I have them, and I'm not worried or insecure in my relationships with them so that I would need a nightly call to remind me that I'm still their friend. We talk on msn and things are normal when I visit, but having verbal interaction is necessary, I think. You want to be able to convey emotion and inflection with more than an emoticon sometimes. I know that its expensive and that I'm long distance to everyone, but frick, how unimportant am I that I'm not even worth a few dollars and a couple minutes?
I should explain one thing though. My sister does call. We talk almost every day. And I don't always have to dial. And that means a lot. It would be nice though if my phone rang once in a while (not even every night) and it was just a friend. Like a reminder that I'm important to someone.
Ok, I've managed to slip from content to depressed again. List of things that are good in my life:
- I finally get a day off tomorrow. Nothing scheduled. Just have to catch up on house stuff and work, but no major events.
- We started a new Bible Study on prayer based on a book by Philip Yancey (called Prayer, fittingly) that I'm really excited about. I think it will be good to do some work on it. Regardless of ones beliefs, it seems like prayer is a universal, depending on the situation. If life is bad enough, though, everyone calls to the supernatural for help. Maybe I'll write a blog about it.
- My car is still running. There might be something a little wrong with the wiring in one area, and maybe my tires need to be rotated, but it's started and run perfectly all winter. And this winter, that's saying something.
- I get a 25 minute drive to work each morning. I get to watch the sunrise and every day it's different.
- The week is done. Hallelujah.
- k, I'm better.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
procrastination 101
It's one of those nights where I have a thousand things to do, and a busy day tomorrow, but I can't get around to starting doing anything. My dishes need to be done, the garbage needs to be taken out, my suitcase from last weekend needs to be unpacked, and I have marking and planning to do. But, I just don't feel like it. Instead I want to do nothing. I would rather sleep, sit here and write, drive around, talk on the phone, talk on msn... literally anything is better than doing something productive. I'm hoping that this blog will make me millions someday and then count as productive somehow.
I'm listening to "Sam's Town," the most recent Killers album. For all the hype about it being "so much different" than "Hot Fuss," it sounds pretty much the same to me... which isn't a bad thing, because I liked that album. It's just not this "new, more mature" sound that they advertised. Basically, it's still the Killers. Fun, bouncy, lots of keyboard, good drumming.
"When I grow up, I want to be a teacher." Do you know how many times I said that? zero. Not even once. I used to play teacher, but I didn't actually want to be one. Is it weird that I am? I feel like I don't take my job that seriously. Ok, maybe not really. I mean the lesson planning, marking, classroom stuff I take seriously, but there is A LOT of crap that goes on behind the scenes... with contracts, benefits, rules, requirements... all politics really... that I could care less about. Maybe its because I'm in my first year, and right now, the planning, marking, classroom stuff is the most important, but I hope I don't really lose that in the long run. I sort of hope I never care. I never want to be in admin, I never want to work at the "district level" or work for the Association or the board or anything. I just want to teach kids.
One kid asked me today if I was going to be here next year. I said I wasn't sure, but he said he wanted me to teach "24" (meaning Science 24 - I'm teaching 14 right now). This could be because he likes me better than the other teacher who currently teaches it, but it could just be because I'm a good teacher. I'm going with the latter, but I'll take either honestly. haha
Is it weird that labs make me nervous, and I'm a science teacher? I had a semi-bad experience with a lab in practicum ... it was sort of hilarious, but still did not go smoothly exactly. I could (and probably should) do a decomposition reaction tomorrow... at least as a demo... but I'm not going to. haha - I hope my principal never reads this. Maybe I can think of something else to do instead. Maybe there is a demo online somewhere. Or a movie... :)
Alright... maybe I should actually get around to work. And maybe take the garbage out - its one of those things that probably shouldn't be put off...
I'm listening to "Sam's Town," the most recent Killers album. For all the hype about it being "so much different" than "Hot Fuss," it sounds pretty much the same to me... which isn't a bad thing, because I liked that album. It's just not this "new, more mature" sound that they advertised. Basically, it's still the Killers. Fun, bouncy, lots of keyboard, good drumming.
"When I grow up, I want to be a teacher." Do you know how many times I said that? zero. Not even once. I used to play teacher, but I didn't actually want to be one. Is it weird that I am? I feel like I don't take my job that seriously. Ok, maybe not really. I mean the lesson planning, marking, classroom stuff I take seriously, but there is A LOT of crap that goes on behind the scenes... with contracts, benefits, rules, requirements... all politics really... that I could care less about. Maybe its because I'm in my first year, and right now, the planning, marking, classroom stuff is the most important, but I hope I don't really lose that in the long run. I sort of hope I never care. I never want to be in admin, I never want to work at the "district level" or work for the Association or the board or anything. I just want to teach kids.
One kid asked me today if I was going to be here next year. I said I wasn't sure, but he said he wanted me to teach "24" (meaning Science 24 - I'm teaching 14 right now). This could be because he likes me better than the other teacher who currently teaches it, but it could just be because I'm a good teacher. I'm going with the latter, but I'll take either honestly. haha
Is it weird that labs make me nervous, and I'm a science teacher? I had a semi-bad experience with a lab in practicum ... it was sort of hilarious, but still did not go smoothly exactly. I could (and probably should) do a decomposition reaction tomorrow... at least as a demo... but I'm not going to. haha - I hope my principal never reads this. Maybe I can think of something else to do instead. Maybe there is a demo online somewhere. Or a movie... :)
Alright... maybe I should actually get around to work. And maybe take the garbage out - its one of those things that probably shouldn't be put off...
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
happy freaking valentines
It is a bad day to listen to depressing music. And an even worse one to watch a semi-depressing movie. I honestly had the best day I've had in a really long time. I left work really happy. My principal told me I was a great teacher. Not a good one, not a decent one, but a great one. And he's one of those people that it actually means something coming from. Someone told me it was nice to see my smile back. (I just got over a week-long headache thanks to a chiropractor and a masseuse.) And I've been home for about 4 1/2 hours now. And I'm depressed. Because its Valentines, and I'm alone, and I know this is pathetic. But what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't it just work. Just once, why can't it be right. Because it only has to be right once. And then, it can be right forever. But if once hasn't happened yet, then... well then, I stay at home marking, watching semi-depressing movies and listening to "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap on repeat. And that is all I have energy for.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Secret
You will all be happy to know the secret to making Gilmore Girls good again. You watch it WHILE doing something completely un-related. For instance: tonight, I folded and put away laundry WHILE watching Gilmore Girls. I was able to follow the story line, and only watched about half of the actual episode. It kept me as engaged as it possibly could, I enjoyed it, and my room is so much cleaner!
Guess what else I did tonight?! I talked to my sister about her date, that she's on right now, with a very nice Christian... who also happens to be the son of possibly the richest Christians in Grande Prairie. What can I say, she knows how to pick 'em! (Am I jealous, you might ask? Well, a bit, but I'm mostly just happy for her.)
I also did ALL kinds of laundry. Hallelujah for clean socks and towels (and other unmentionables... it was time... lets just put it that way). That laundry, as previously stated, is actually AWAY... in its proper home hanging in the closet or in a drawer where it should be. This is something relatively new and different for me. I have flashbacks to my childhood, but I'm not actually sure I remember the last time I put away laundry the DAY that it was washed and dried. hmmmm.
Wow, you might be thinking... this girl is PRODUCTIVE! Well, that's actually not even all I did! I also took all the garbage out! Even the pile of boxes like milk cartons and a pizza box that was BESIDE my garbage. I know! I must be crazy!
Well, after this much laborious work, I you'd think I'd deserve a break... well, think again. Between laundry loads I actually managed to BUILD A SHELF... yes, you heard right. I whole shelf. A little one, that is going to pretend to be a night stand for the rest of the foreseeable future, but its got 3 shelves inside, and even doors. (A bit over the top, I admit... apparently the hinges are called "European." I'm not sure why, but thats what the box said. I'll have to agree that they seemed very haut couture to me.)
In any case, I'm pretty proud of myself and my work tonight. I haven't done dishes... but I figure I should save SOMETHING for tomorrow.
I realize that I've used a lot of CAPITAL LETTERS in this post. I've accepted that I'm not actually talking to you all, so that is my way of putting inflection into this. So that you know I'm not monotonous. Even in my mind I am a GREAT public speaker.
Also, I need to get my mind off the fact that I don't have anyone to hang out with here. And the guy who I want to talk to is in the air flying right now I think. And my other friends are all set as away on msn. Whats with that? Oh, wait. So am I.
Alright... I dont' know what to do now. I've got about 45 minutes till House is on... yay for a new House! What the heck am I going to do to stay busy till then. If you say "do dishes" I'll hurt you. I hate dishes.
So, to waste some time I was just reading through my old blogs (some which I should probably delete before they start haunting me), and I found one from May 31, 2005 that I liked. So, check back. I don't just like it because of Rosie's very nice comment (which I do like... haha) but because it is sort of me again. I think we go through cycles in life, and somehow I'm back there. Life being sort of a teeny bit complicated (not upside down like then) but me being happy and ok, and trusting in God. Because he's great. And he listens. Even when we don't think he is.
Guess what else I did tonight?! I talked to my sister about her date, that she's on right now, with a very nice Christian... who also happens to be the son of possibly the richest Christians in Grande Prairie. What can I say, she knows how to pick 'em! (Am I jealous, you might ask? Well, a bit, but I'm mostly just happy for her.)
I also did ALL kinds of laundry. Hallelujah for clean socks and towels (and other unmentionables... it was time... lets just put it that way). That laundry, as previously stated, is actually AWAY... in its proper home hanging in the closet or in a drawer where it should be. This is something relatively new and different for me. I have flashbacks to my childhood, but I'm not actually sure I remember the last time I put away laundry the DAY that it was washed and dried. hmmmm.
Wow, you might be thinking... this girl is PRODUCTIVE! Well, that's actually not even all I did! I also took all the garbage out! Even the pile of boxes like milk cartons and a pizza box that was BESIDE my garbage. I know! I must be crazy!
Well, after this much laborious work, I you'd think I'd deserve a break... well, think again. Between laundry loads I actually managed to BUILD A SHELF... yes, you heard right. I whole shelf. A little one, that is going to pretend to be a night stand for the rest of the foreseeable future, but its got 3 shelves inside, and even doors. (A bit over the top, I admit... apparently the hinges are called "European." I'm not sure why, but thats what the box said. I'll have to agree that they seemed very haut couture to me.)
In any case, I'm pretty proud of myself and my work tonight. I haven't done dishes... but I figure I should save SOMETHING for tomorrow.
I realize that I've used a lot of CAPITAL LETTERS in this post. I've accepted that I'm not actually talking to you all, so that is my way of putting inflection into this. So that you know I'm not monotonous. Even in my mind I am a GREAT public speaker.
Also, I need to get my mind off the fact that I don't have anyone to hang out with here. And the guy who I want to talk to is in the air flying right now I think. And my other friends are all set as away on msn. Whats with that? Oh, wait. So am I.
Alright... I dont' know what to do now. I've got about 45 minutes till House is on... yay for a new House! What the heck am I going to do to stay busy till then. If you say "do dishes" I'll hurt you. I hate dishes.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So, to waste some time I was just reading through my old blogs (some which I should probably delete before they start haunting me), and I found one from May 31, 2005 that I liked. So, check back. I don't just like it because of Rosie's very nice comment (which I do like... haha) but because it is sort of me again. I think we go through cycles in life, and somehow I'm back there. Life being sort of a teeny bit complicated (not upside down like then) but me being happy and ok, and trusting in God. Because he's great. And he listens. Even when we don't think he is.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
new song and date night
So, my new favorite song is called Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap. Its SO beautiful. Her voice is clear and there is no guessing about it. Every note is perfect.
I had a date last night. It was sort of a modified date, because ground rules were set before we even set the date, and we're just getting to know each other better. There is one big reason that we're not dating now, or in the near future so I get to play the patience card again... or I guess for the first time... haha.
If there is one thing that I struggle with in life it is patience. I am not gifted in the waiting department. But I've NOT waited in relationships in the past and the formula has been consistent: we date, I dump, we're hurt (and ironically enough, they end up closer to God, and we end up friends). Regardless though, it hurts, and it's too hard. This time I don't want to screw it up. So, everything is on the table, we both know where each other is at. I don't doubt that God can and will work in his life, its just the waiting and trusting.
One good thing though, is my prayer life is a million times better. I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for anything else I can think of, and I pray again and again. Its amazing the change I can see in my relationship with God in only a few weeks of consistent communication... weird how that is the way it is in any relationship... odd how you get closer when you TALK. haha
I've gotten interesting feedback from friends and family on this one. Not all the same as with other boyfriends. (with a couple exceptions) Mostly people know him and I and think its fun that we click and are just saying to be careful and take it slow. I'm not getting the looks or serious talks all the time like I have in previous relationships. That is one big difference between this one and past ones. Its really nice not to get the flack.
This isn't completely consistent though. I know I'm being smarter about this one and getting reefed on for repeating mistakes is getting old. I don't even feel like arguing anymore. I'm NOT doing anything wrong or stupid. I'm just getting to know someone. If something happens someday then it will be in Gods time. I'm trusting him this time, and I know its hard to see that from the outside, but getting told I shouldn't be doing something or that I'm doing something wrong from good friends all the time is so hard. At least its not everyone. I hate NOT talking about whats going on in my life, but I guess I sort of have to filter what I talk about with some people because I'm tired of hearing about it. Some people are awesome and curious and supportive and want the best for me, and it seems like others just want to be right. And I'm tired of being wrong.
There is my rant portion of this blog.
On a positive note, here is a list of things that I like about him:
He's honest.
He's a good driver, but not a boring driver. He knows how to use his vehicle.
He doesn't mess around. He's straight with you. There is no guessing.
He's sarcastic and CRACKS me up.
He reads.
He laughs in movies at the same parts as me.
He's unapologetic about liking guy stuff, but its ok if I know a few things about guy stuff too. (and ok when I don't haha)
He doesn't make me feel like I have something to prove to him.
He cooks! (and its ok that I don't like too)
Alright, that's not all, but I'm feeling sappy now, and I'm supposed to be patient here.
I should get back to work... and watching the Oilers game (which is on in the background now because he likes hockey. I'm such a geek.)
I had a date last night. It was sort of a modified date, because ground rules were set before we even set the date, and we're just getting to know each other better. There is one big reason that we're not dating now, or in the near future so I get to play the patience card again... or I guess for the first time... haha.
If there is one thing that I struggle with in life it is patience. I am not gifted in the waiting department. But I've NOT waited in relationships in the past and the formula has been consistent: we date, I dump, we're hurt (and ironically enough, they end up closer to God, and we end up friends). Regardless though, it hurts, and it's too hard. This time I don't want to screw it up. So, everything is on the table, we both know where each other is at. I don't doubt that God can and will work in his life, its just the waiting and trusting.
One good thing though, is my prayer life is a million times better. I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for anything else I can think of, and I pray again and again. Its amazing the change I can see in my relationship with God in only a few weeks of consistent communication... weird how that is the way it is in any relationship... odd how you get closer when you TALK. haha
I've gotten interesting feedback from friends and family on this one. Not all the same as with other boyfriends. (with a couple exceptions) Mostly people know him and I and think its fun that we click and are just saying to be careful and take it slow. I'm not getting the looks or serious talks all the time like I have in previous relationships. That is one big difference between this one and past ones. Its really nice not to get the flack.
This isn't completely consistent though. I know I'm being smarter about this one and getting reefed on for repeating mistakes is getting old. I don't even feel like arguing anymore. I'm NOT doing anything wrong or stupid. I'm just getting to know someone. If something happens someday then it will be in Gods time. I'm trusting him this time, and I know its hard to see that from the outside, but getting told I shouldn't be doing something or that I'm doing something wrong from good friends all the time is so hard. At least its not everyone. I hate NOT talking about whats going on in my life, but I guess I sort of have to filter what I talk about with some people because I'm tired of hearing about it. Some people are awesome and curious and supportive and want the best for me, and it seems like others just want to be right. And I'm tired of being wrong.
There is my rant portion of this blog.
On a positive note, here is a list of things that I like about him:
He's honest.
He's a good driver, but not a boring driver. He knows how to use his vehicle.
He doesn't mess around. He's straight with you. There is no guessing.
He's sarcastic and CRACKS me up.
He reads.
He laughs in movies at the same parts as me.
He's unapologetic about liking guy stuff, but its ok if I know a few things about guy stuff too. (and ok when I don't haha)
He doesn't make me feel like I have something to prove to him.
He cooks! (and its ok that I don't like too)
Alright, that's not all, but I'm feeling sappy now, and I'm supposed to be patient here.
I should get back to work... and watching the Oilers game (which is on in the background now because he likes hockey. I'm such a geek.)
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Imperfections
Hi,
Sometimes I feel like writing a letter. Like somehow, if there is a purpose to all this writing then it would be better. So, I'm going to think of someone, and I'm going to write to that person, and maybe I can get the words out.
I'm happy today. Except that Gilmore Girls was a dissappointment. I've decided that I've given it enough chances, and I will only buy the seasons now, instead of watching them week after boring week. I'm not sure if you know that I like Gilmore Girls, but it has been an on-again-off-again relationship since I moved to Edmonton and got cable.
Sometimes I think that my imperfections are funny. They're just what makes me, me. The fact that I'm addicted to chips, and therefore can not lose weight regardless of how much I work out... sometimes I feel like that is just part of me, and its ok. And some days it makes me feel really disgusted with myself. Why don't I just have the will power to say no? The same thing goes with past relationships... why is it easy to make the same mistakes?
I want to not make that mistake again. I want everything to work out, and I want to be in love, but I want to love someone who loves God more than me. I'm afraid though. Afraid that if I let myself get close then I will automatically follow in the same path as before, even though I know that this situation is actually different. I'm not in denial like the last time. The last time I knew it was the same situation, but this time it actually is different. I've been smarter so far, and the reaction was different than the others, and I think it could actually work, but its a someday thing, instead of a tomorrow thing.
I thought about making another blog, for days when I feel like using names, and days when I feel like talking in specifics, like today. But then I thought that would be too much work. I suppose that as usual, those who stumble upon this blog will have no idea who I'm talking about, and those that know me might have an idea, and I know that he doesn't know about it, so its ok to be talking like this for now. If he ever finds out about this place, though I might have to delete it.
I just read like 200 pages of the 4th sisterhood of the travelling pants. Its a gooder, and it has very effectively sucked me in to the point that I want to go put on pjs, go to bed, and finish it tonight. I might do that... just have to set up the coffee for tomorrow morning and get everything ready in case I do fall asleep while reading. I'm not one of those people whose biological clocks are effective enough to wake themselves up at the correct time. Mine goes off within a two hour time frame of when my alarm normally does. And that two hours is actually important to me. haha.
K, more book, less blog.
Despite the bit of complaining I just did, I am really happy tonight. Because regardless of what ends up happening, and the fact that right now, nothing can be done about it, somebody likes me, and thinks I have amazing eyes.
Sometimes I feel like writing a letter. Like somehow, if there is a purpose to all this writing then it would be better. So, I'm going to think of someone, and I'm going to write to that person, and maybe I can get the words out.
I'm happy today. Except that Gilmore Girls was a dissappointment. I've decided that I've given it enough chances, and I will only buy the seasons now, instead of watching them week after boring week. I'm not sure if you know that I like Gilmore Girls, but it has been an on-again-off-again relationship since I moved to Edmonton and got cable.
Sometimes I think that my imperfections are funny. They're just what makes me, me. The fact that I'm addicted to chips, and therefore can not lose weight regardless of how much I work out... sometimes I feel like that is just part of me, and its ok. And some days it makes me feel really disgusted with myself. Why don't I just have the will power to say no? The same thing goes with past relationships... why is it easy to make the same mistakes?
I want to not make that mistake again. I want everything to work out, and I want to be in love, but I want to love someone who loves God more than me. I'm afraid though. Afraid that if I let myself get close then I will automatically follow in the same path as before, even though I know that this situation is actually different. I'm not in denial like the last time. The last time I knew it was the same situation, but this time it actually is different. I've been smarter so far, and the reaction was different than the others, and I think it could actually work, but its a someday thing, instead of a tomorrow thing.
I thought about making another blog, for days when I feel like using names, and days when I feel like talking in specifics, like today. But then I thought that would be too much work. I suppose that as usual, those who stumble upon this blog will have no idea who I'm talking about, and those that know me might have an idea, and I know that he doesn't know about it, so its ok to be talking like this for now. If he ever finds out about this place, though I might have to delete it.
I just read like 200 pages of the 4th sisterhood of the travelling pants. Its a gooder, and it has very effectively sucked me in to the point that I want to go put on pjs, go to bed, and finish it tonight. I might do that... just have to set up the coffee for tomorrow morning and get everything ready in case I do fall asleep while reading. I'm not one of those people whose biological clocks are effective enough to wake themselves up at the correct time. Mine goes off within a two hour time frame of when my alarm normally does. And that two hours is actually important to me. haha.
K, more book, less blog.
Despite the bit of complaining I just did, I am really happy tonight. Because regardless of what ends up happening, and the fact that right now, nothing can be done about it, somebody likes me, and thinks I have amazing eyes.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Another big city weekend...
I just got back from the big city again. And was it a good weekend, you might be wondering? YES. Yes, without a doubt. But first the slight downer (I want to end on the exciting). Recently I've been disappointed in people... not like major broken hearted disappointment, just general hope let down sort of disappointed. I've decided that there really is no way to keep this from happening. You always hope that things go the way you want them too, but they just don't always, and you can't force them too. It sucks, but that's the thing about people, we can hope that they do what we want them to do, but sometimes they just don't, regardless of how much better it would be for them or you if they did.
This weekend I finally got to meet someone who I had barely met, but who I had msn-ed some. There had been some mutual interest, or at least mutual curiosity. It was pretty much as perfect as it could have been, considering the amount we already knew each other and the company present. I felt special, and I felt like I was important, and I felt pretty and liked. I had butterflies for the first time in a LONG time. I can't think of a better way it could have been.
This weekend was also fabulous because I got to see all my girls, and I miss them like crazy. Going to GP is going home to family, but going to the city is going home to life. Does that make sense? I love my family, but I don't want to move back there. I want to be friends with the girls in the city forever. I think that girls need peeps. They need confidants. They need someone to complain with, to laugh with, to have good days with and bad days with. My girls aren't family in the strict definition, but they're my real life.
Ok, time for a nap now... as great as my weekend was, it was missing one of my favorite pastimes: sleep. And I am going to compensate for this right now.
This weekend I finally got to meet someone who I had barely met, but who I had msn-ed some. There had been some mutual interest, or at least mutual curiosity. It was pretty much as perfect as it could have been, considering the amount we already knew each other and the company present. I felt special, and I felt like I was important, and I felt pretty and liked. I had butterflies for the first time in a LONG time. I can't think of a better way it could have been.
This weekend was also fabulous because I got to see all my girls, and I miss them like crazy. Going to GP is going home to family, but going to the city is going home to life. Does that make sense? I love my family, but I don't want to move back there. I want to be friends with the girls in the city forever. I think that girls need peeps. They need confidants. They need someone to complain with, to laugh with, to have good days with and bad days with. My girls aren't family in the strict definition, but they're my real life.
Ok, time for a nap now... as great as my weekend was, it was missing one of my favorite pastimes: sleep. And I am going to compensate for this right now.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
another sunday night
Today was one of those mediocre days. It wasn't especially bad, but it wasn't especially good either. Plans fell through, but I got a lot done at home too. Built a shelf, took down Christmas decorations... back to regular life.
I hate getting ditched. Its worse when you barely know the people, too. Because you don't know who to call or who to talk to. And I don't think it was on purpose, but I would have liked to know what was (or wasn't) happening. I think I'll stick to the story that they don't have the number right.
I start my new job tomorrow. I hate "night before's." With a passion. I can never sleep. Doesn't matter if I'm skiing, teaching, or whatever else it might be. And "night before first day's" are even worse. New experiences are hell. I remember the night before I left for Africa I was so sick. I didn't think I could do it. But I did. And before my first day last September. Same thing. And tonight might not be as bad as that, and the build up sure wasn't there. I haven't felt the sick-to-my-stomach, chest tightness, do-I-have-everything-ready feeling until today... this afternoon actually. But now I do. And I hate not sleeping so much it makes me want to cry. I know everything will go well. It always does. And if something gets totally messed up, that will be fixed too somehow I'm sure. I just want to sleep tonight.
That's why I took a sleeping pill.
I hate getting ditched. Its worse when you barely know the people, too. Because you don't know who to call or who to talk to. And I don't think it was on purpose, but I would have liked to know what was (or wasn't) happening. I think I'll stick to the story that they don't have the number right.
I start my new job tomorrow. I hate "night before's." With a passion. I can never sleep. Doesn't matter if I'm skiing, teaching, or whatever else it might be. And "night before first day's" are even worse. New experiences are hell. I remember the night before I left for Africa I was so sick. I didn't think I could do it. But I did. And before my first day last September. Same thing. And tonight might not be as bad as that, and the build up sure wasn't there. I haven't felt the sick-to-my-stomach, chest tightness, do-I-have-everything-ready feeling until today... this afternoon actually. But now I do. And I hate not sleeping so much it makes me want to cry. I know everything will go well. It always does. And if something gets totally messed up, that will be fixed too somehow I'm sure. I just want to sleep tonight.
That's why I took a sleeping pill.
snow on sunday
I love Sundays. Ok, I have a love hate relationship with them. I hate it that I don't sleep, but I love them in general. I woke up this morning, and it was snowing. Big flakes coming down fast. Silencing the world again. It has been so warm lately that everything is getting brown and slushy, and even though I know it won't last long, its nice to have everything painted over in white, even if its only for a couple of hours until the sun comes out.
I've been listening to a lot of KT Tunstall in the last two days. (Thanks R!) Its happy mellow music. Most mellow music is really sad and depressing, and most happy music is up-beat and insanity inducing. Its nice to have a good mix of mellow and not depressing. Makes me smile a bit.
I should go start my day I guess. But I'd rather sit here and watch the snow fall.
I've been listening to a lot of KT Tunstall in the last two days. (Thanks R!) Its happy mellow music. Most mellow music is really sad and depressing, and most happy music is up-beat and insanity inducing. Its nice to have a good mix of mellow and not depressing. Makes me smile a bit.
I should go start my day I guess. But I'd rather sit here and watch the snow fall.
Monday, January 01, 2007
resolutions and realizations
I just got home from 2007's New Years festivities. It is now officially January First 2007, and as tradition dictates, I have to make a new years resolution. Usually I have things like "will work out regularly" or "will diet and make it stick" or even "will stop chewing my nails." Things that in reality, won't happen. This year I'm trying a new approach. Drop the whole "weight" issue and make family a priority. The whole "exercise and diet" thingy never seems to work anyway, so why even bother? Maybe it will just happen on its own. But family I can deal with.
I have two sets of grandparents and one brother (plus wife and kids) who I rarely call. So, this year, my resolution is to call them all once a week. Regardless of whether they call me back or care that I'm calling them. I'm going to call them all. That is 156 phone calls this year. (52weeks x 3 phone calls, if you're wondering). That I can do. I like talking on the phone, and I like my family. I won't care that one set of grandparents complains about their health all the time and the other set never asks me about my life, only my brothers' and specifically his kids. I'll call them no matter what. I'll call them until they do care about my life, because they have no choice but to.
Now my realization: I looked up resolution (in the Microsoft Word Thesaurus) and made a discovery. Its not a "goal" or "possibility" like I thought it was. Resolution really is a synonym for declaration, pledge, promise, oath, vow, decree, and solution. Its not something you think you might do, or you hope to do, or that you want to do. It is a decision that you make that you will do. So things that you don't think are a possibility in reality (like my grand "working out" ideas) are sucky resolutions. A goal is a target or an aspiration that you have, but a resolution is a decision previously made. Its a change that has already occurred, and just needs to be followed. For some reason at 2 am this is really profound to me.
New Years was fun this year. Not because I went to a fancy party (like I had planned to) but because I just spent it with people who I love. I hung out with my sister, and we told each other stuff we don't tell people, and gossipped like mad, and ate appetizers and desert, and drank coffee, and had fun. Then we went to Gaither Hour from 9-10 at my church's new years thingy, and laughed our way through it (don't tell the pastor) and then went to a friends house and hung out and talked and laughed and almost forgot that it was even midnight! It probably the lowest key new years that you could invent, but it was fun, and I don't regret anything, and I'm going to go to bed now, wake up tomorrow and have a good day with my family. Just being with them is good.
I have two sets of grandparents and one brother (plus wife and kids) who I rarely call. So, this year, my resolution is to call them all once a week. Regardless of whether they call me back or care that I'm calling them. I'm going to call them all. That is 156 phone calls this year. (52weeks x 3 phone calls, if you're wondering). That I can do. I like talking on the phone, and I like my family. I won't care that one set of grandparents complains about their health all the time and the other set never asks me about my life, only my brothers' and specifically his kids. I'll call them no matter what. I'll call them until they do care about my life, because they have no choice but to.
Now my realization: I looked up resolution (in the Microsoft Word Thesaurus) and made a discovery. Its not a "goal" or "possibility" like I thought it was. Resolution really is a synonym for declaration, pledge, promise, oath, vow, decree, and solution. Its not something you think you might do, or you hope to do, or that you want to do. It is a decision that you make that you will do. So things that you don't think are a possibility in reality (like my grand "working out" ideas) are sucky resolutions. A goal is a target or an aspiration that you have, but a resolution is a decision previously made. Its a change that has already occurred, and just needs to be followed. For some reason at 2 am this is really profound to me.
New Years was fun this year. Not because I went to a fancy party (like I had planned to) but because I just spent it with people who I love. I hung out with my sister, and we told each other stuff we don't tell people, and gossipped like mad, and ate appetizers and desert, and drank coffee, and had fun. Then we went to Gaither Hour from 9-10 at my church's new years thingy, and laughed our way through it (don't tell the pastor) and then went to a friends house and hung out and talked and laughed and almost forgot that it was even midnight! It probably the lowest key new years that you could invent, but it was fun, and I don't regret anything, and I'm going to go to bed now, wake up tomorrow and have a good day with my family. Just being with them is good.
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