Unhurt and Home

So, I'm back from our family ski trip and I'm happy to announce that there were no injuries, physical or emotional. We all generally got along great, and we didn't even fall too much! The first day, which ended up being only an afternoon, went good but everyone was super tired and it was tough to get active. The second day, after a great sleep, was so much better. Plus the weather was amazing, and to watch the sunrise and sunset from the top of a mountain is an awe-inspiring experience.

I just finished reading a book about a girl who blogs about a guy that she works with, and then she falls in love with him. Its very cute, and he figures out that the blog he finds is actually hers, and it all works out in the end, but it got me thinking about this blog. I talk about all sorts of useless things, and none of it is declaring my love for anyone else. I would like someone in particular to blog about. Someone who takes my breath away and who I think about and dream about. Someone real, not in a book (although this guy was exceptionally attractive sounding).

The thing about complaining about marriage (or the lack-thereof) is that it is sort of pointless if there is no one in the picture that you can see yourself marrying in the next little while. There are always ideas and thoughts, but unless action follows its a bit futile.

I was also reminded today that even if I end up alone my whole life, I can still lead a useful, fulfilling life, and that in the end, even if my life is seemingly terrible, it is all worth it if I've been faithful. Hold steady, know that God is in control, and cling to him when your life is definitely not. Words that sound good, but it will take longer than a couple of hours to really believe them. The head connection is there, but the heart connection is a bit fuzzy sometimes.

I'm going back to work in a few days. I was supposed to have a full two weeks off, but I got a new job on the last day of my old one, and so I'm going back to work next Wednesday to prep for new classes, new students, new school, and a new adventure. Should be interesting. I barely know what classes that I will be teaching. haha. I'm sure it will all work out though. It always does.

Oh, I did fall asleep the other night, when I was complaining about it. It just took a couple of hours and a blanket wrapped around me under the covers. I have this thing about being warm and tightly wrapped. It is so secure or something.

Christmas Week

I'm at my parents farm this week. My mother does Christmas like no one I know. When I come home its not a normal homecoming - hi honey welcome home here is a cup of coffee. Instead it is hi honey welcome home, would you like a cup of hot chocolate (if so what flavor), a cup of coffee (with which specialty creamer?) or a cup of hot apple cider? Do you like the decorations (I can't really find my house under all of them) and how do you like the atmosphere? Is it Christmas-y enough? (And I'm expecting Santa to fall down one of the chimney's into one of the two wood burning fires that are smoking at any given moment.

OK, that's enough. I was going to go into an explanation of what Christmas at my house is like, the overwhelmingness of it all. But instead I'm going to talk about something different. The ski trip tomorrow, and how, even though I know it will be fun, it is currently ruining my life.

It is currently 10:23 pm. Not exactly a late night. But I'm getting up at 3:00 am. Which is exactly an early morning. Half the world doesn't even go to bed until then (the cool half, of which I am not a part.) For those of you who did not just do the math, that's in 4 1/2 hours. Ideally I can sleep in the truck on the way down. The problem is that I don't sleep well in vehicles, especially since I know I'm going to be doing something all day that I have done maybe 6 times before in my entire life. Skiing.

I'm not cool enough to stay up till 3 am normally, nor am I cool enough to snowboard. I ski because I sort of can. I figure why start something new when I'm actually not that good at the something old. If I applied this to relationships I'd still be going out with my first boyfriend. But in this case the relationship analogy doesn't work, because the first boyfriend is married, and my mediocrity at skiing will never leave me.

I hate it that I can't sleep before big days. Here are some not-so-philosophical questions I'd like answered:

1. How can I be more awake 1/2 an hour after I shut off my light that I was 5 minutes before it?
2. Why does my heart beat fast when I'm lying doing nothing, but when I was packing 12 minutes before there was no irregularity whatsoever?
3. How is it possible that everything that I need to do in the next month floods into my brain the moment all I need to do is sleep?
4. Why do I not take a sleeping pill the only nights that I really need to?
5. Is it okay to fake the flu just because I'm nervous about falling? The thought of staying home alone for two days while my family is out getting cold, wet and bruised is really not all that bad right now - but oh, the guilt)
6. How can I be so nervous about something that I know will go fine, just like it did last year?
7. Why do I care about all the administration stuff? The "parent" stuff? I'm a kid tomorrow, why can't I just let them take care of it, and attend the event in a que-sera-sera fashion?
8. What is the problem with sleeping? I want to, why doesn't my brain?

OK, I'm going to go take a second stab at it. And then I'm just going to lie there silently if it doesn't work. I'll update this if I live through our 2nd annual ski trip.

My fall

What a strange fall it has been. I should not write these things at night anymore. Or maybe at all, except that a few people out there still read them. I just read through the few posts I've written since September, and realized how much life has changed. (I also realized that if you knew me only by my blog you'd think that I should probably be on some sort of up-lifting medication). At the beginning of September I had a boyfriend, I felt like teaching was this insane challenge that there was no way I could do alone (boyfriend was a teacher and tons of help), and I was totally nervous to the point that I actually lost like 5 or 10 pounds in my first two weeks (that has since returned.)

Today I have no boyfriend and I am managing to teach everyday, sometimes by the seat of my pants, but they're learning something anyways... I have confidence that even though I'm not the greatest teacher now, I have potential and I think someday I can be a great teacher. I'm not super close with many teachers at work, but I've recieved enough positive feedback that I think I'll be ok. It seems like September was yesterday in some ways, but in others I feel so much OLDER.

I went to Edmonton over the weekend, and had a complete blast. I didn't take work (which means that I spent one whole day NOT working!) and I hung out with the girls, made waffles, decorated Christmas cookies, shopped, dressed up, and went to a party at a mansion. (see sweet pictures below.)

It was SO fun. I felt young, and that is weird almost. My life is so serious here, it seems. I have fun and everything, but for some reason it seems like I am two people. Not to any extreme, but still there is this divide between "teacher Hannah" and "friend Hannah." I'm not totally sure how to balance that or if I should be one or the other or what. But for now it works because my two lives are in two separate locations.

It seems a bit strange that I haven't talked about boys in a long time. With the exception of my ex, I haven't really had a subject in mind, and I suppose that dwelling on my ex is not something that is exceptionally fun, so I just don't. This weekend was fun because of the "guy" thing. Good times, ego boost, and awesome stuff to talk about on my blog. Not depressing at all.

Guys are aggravating. I've gone to church my whole life, and do you know the number of "church-guys" who have shown interest in me at all? zero. nil. none. zip. I'm not that horrible looking (see sweet pictures) and I have a relatively good personality, but still, nada. I went to my old church last week, which I miss terribly, and the one time a brother of a friend shows up (not a "church" guy) HE thinks I'm really cute. So, what was stopping the thousand other guys? Why am I not attractive to them? Its all very confusing and freaking frusterating. Like I said. Guys are aggravating. I also might have a not-so-blind date coming up with a friend of the girls. Overall, the weekend was definitely not a complete bust. :)

Ok, so for your viewing pleasure, one last hot shot of Carolyn and I. I realize I'm totally egotistical tonight, but how often does that happen? I'm totally allowed once a year.

Just to Qualify

I um, don't feel as crappy right now as I did last night. I just want to make that clear. Life is still overwhelming, but this morning I'm not crying about it... I'm just accepting it and I will just keep moving because that is what I do.

But ya, I just want everyone to know that I'm not as sad all the time as I was yesterday evening.