Losing it

I feel like I'm losing it sometimes. Like right now for instance. I feel completely overwhelmed. And not just a little bit, like "oh I'm so busy ha ha" overwhelmed, but like "truck running over me, and not one of the little ones" overwhelmed. I need more time. I need a break SO bad that I am crying for no reason. Just completely breaking down. All alone. I don't think I'm unhappy, but I just don't know how to get it all done. I know it will get done, but the process to getting there just seems so... hard I guess. Impossible. Everest. Tiring. I am SO tired. I'm dreading Christmas and I know I shouldn't dread Christmas. I just have so much to do before then, and during then, and every task seems insurmountable. I feel like I'm carrying so much, and I just want help. I want someone to tell me that I don't have to do it all. I don't have to do Christmas, and skiing and New Years, and all the work and soreness and everything. I just want to do nothing. Just nothing. Absolutely nothing. For like a month. I don't even know if that would be long enough. A month seems short all of a sudden. Maybe two or three. Or a year. I have been working for so long, and every break is filled with homework or marking, or some other major event... long weekends are too short. I just need to breathe. Breathing would be good. I need to be away, to have space, to not feel like if I could die from this then I would be dead. I need hope. I need to feel like I'm not failing, like I'm worth something, like I'm not gross looking and overweight. I just need air. Air would be good. Instead I'm going to go get sleep, and tomorrow I will work. And the next day I will work, and the next day I will work. And everything will just be. Just like it always is. And nothing will change. And I will be tired. And consumed.

Sunday Night Syndrome

It turns out that the weirdness I experience on Sunday nights is not some strange weekly depression, but an actual named problem faced by a lot of people who have busy jobs with a lot to remember... Sunday Night Syndrome. Apparently many people feel like their weekends are pretty much over by Saturday, and Sunday has become a "pre-work" to work day. This describes me to a tee. I get home on Friday, veg Friday night, clean or relax on Saturday, leaving my planning work for Sunday. Teaching is one of those jobs that requires "out-of-work" work, because of the marking and planning. I have been dreading Sundays, because by about 5 or 6 I feel very anxious about the next day and week, I have a million things going around in my brain, and I can't shut it off to sleep, even though I know that I need sleep. This isn't as abnormal as I thought though, thankfully. I just hope it doesn't stick around.

I had such a fun time with my sister this weekend! She came down and we went to the city for the day yesterday and got ALL of our Christmas shopping done (except for each others presents, of course!) It was great just to be able to relax with each other with nothing major planned just fun sisterly stuff. I'm going to miss her so much if she actually goes to Australia for 6 months! We've finally gotten really close...

Ok, I'm going to go try to wind down for a bit... Go sleep go!