I can't do homework on Saturday. I can't do much else either, but there is just something inside me that rebels at the suggestion of being productive on Saturday. Saturday's are meant for sleeping in, relaxing, and in my case, feeling slightly “off” all day. It’s not a normal day, and my body knows it.
So, in light of the fact that I’m not doing any homework, what is filling my day today? Well, I watched “Love Actually,” which I’ve seen once before. It was definitely better the second time. There is one slightly disturbing story line, but also some really incredible ones, and as a movie about love, generally it is amazing. Not that I believe that love is what it is in the movies, but if the movie's message is supposed to be that love is defined differently depending on the relationship, and if the movie is supposed to make you want to find love, then it achieves it's objectives.
What do I know about love though? I’ve never been in love, but I thought that maybe I was once, a few years ago. There are just those people in life who, if they said, “marry me tomorrow, or never” you would marry them tomorrow. I’m a relatively practical sort of person, and based on his history, and how well I know him, I would probably say “sure, let’s do it.” I thought I might love one of those people once, but that was a long time ago, and he’s most definitely moved on, and so have I, honestly. Just sometimes you wonder.
After the movie was finished a friend came over to fix my computer. Yay for friends who are willing to help you, and expect food in return. Food I can do. Money is another issue completely. And now what? I’m going to go pour myself another cup of coffee, and maybe check what’s on TV.
I’ve done a lot of thinking lately (but that’s pretty standard, with an over-analyzer such as me). I have a problem with saying stuff that is not necessarily the most thoughtful or sensitive to the given situation, whatever it might be. Depending on the medium of communication, sometimes I can keep myself in check, but occasionally forethought slips away and I stick my foot in my mouth look like an idiot, and then live to regret it. I hate it that it’s so easy to hurt people, even without meaning to, when there are no bad intentions. It doesn’t change the outcome though. At least I have friends that will call me on it. I don’t think that I’m nearly as bad as I was in high school, so I guess baby steps are the way to go. Hopefully I don’t distance myself from too many people in the mean time. There are always things to work on, regardless of personality; this is just one of mine.
Another thing I’ve been thinking. I hate application forms. Particularly the “hobbies” section. I don’t really have hobbies, I’m not one of those super-athletic, team-sport type of people, and I’m not crafty enough to call “scrap-booking” a hobby, nor am I culinary enough to say that I “love spending time in the kitchen,” or anything like that. I don’t write enough, or well enough to say that I’m an “aspiring writer.” What do I do in my spare time, outside of school? Nap, watch TV, run errands, keep myself alive, just do life. The problem is that I’m not so inclined towards one particular area to a large enough extent that it can be considered a “hobby” in my opinion. Am I really that uninteresting?
Well enough deep (or shallow) reflection for today, maybe I’ll do a little reading. Reading is good, and it isn’t watching TV, so I don’t feel so guilty about it.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Theories etc.
So, now that I have a new desk chair that looks a bit like (but isn't) black leather, I'm feeling a bit more official and possibly a tad smarter. In reality I'm just more comfortable than I was before. So, time for another abstract essay about the opposite sex.
I've come up with a theory about single Christian girls. I still agree with it a few weeks later, so I guess this is it. If you meet a single Christian girl, she's single for one of three reasons:
1. There is something really physically/emotionally/etc. wrong with her.
2. She honestly doesn’t want to be seeing someone.
3. She is one of many who does want to date but for some reason unbeknownst to her or anyone else barring God, she hasn’t discovered her soul-mate yet.
Now I would like to believe that number 1 doesn't apply to me most of the time, and as much as I would like to be a rock and be perfectly happy as a single girl, I know that that isn't true, so I'm basically a number 3, along with probably 97% of the other single Christian girls I know.
I was just talking to a friend of mine, and we were talking about the strange desire that many girls have just to be wanted by someone of the opposite sex, even if we aren't actually interested in them in return. Often, especially before you have ever been in a relationship, there is a desire just to be able to say "no, thankyou" because you just want to feel like someone thought you were worth persuing. You just want someone to think that you are good enough to be asked for your number. Its not some sadistic desire to have control or power to hold over guys, just the innate desire to be desired. (As a side note, it doesn't feel good to say no to someone, but the basic ability to be ABLE to say no far outweighs this issue in most cases).
This friend of mine also came up with the concept of the "that girl," and I'm going to steal this concept just for this blog. If I ever write a book, I'll credit her for sure with the idea. Every "girl group" has a "that girl." That girl is the girl that will get 85% of the attention if the girl group is faced with interacting with a boy group. She is the one that has experience saying "no" to guys, and she's the one that every guy her age and younger (and sometimes older) wants to take on a date. I had a friend like this in my high school youth group. She finally agreed to go to the movies with my little brother and the guys in the youth group idolized him for a while. Nothing came of it, but that is completely beside the point. The point is that she was the "that girl" of the youth group. Guys want to date her, girls want to be her, and no one, but her, knows what its really like to have her life. I was never a "that girl."
I was also talking to another friend, this time a guy, about the trouble with dating in church. There is a definite stigma surrounding the "in church relationship." In his words, "I think in the alliance (the denomination he currently attends, but basically, fill in any that you might attend) if you walk into the service together, then it must be pretty serious, and if you actually put your arm around someone, you may as well be engaged already. It might be a weak excuse for all the church-going fellas out there, but who can blame them for not being ready for that kind of commitment, in front of hundreds of judgemental people...?"
Now I see this guys point, and have yet to respond to his email, and I was talking to my roommate about it, and we think he might be on to something. When we hear about a new couple that is dating in the church, there is an immediate conclusion reached that they will probably get married, and they must be very serious already. If they are willing to hold hands in front of 200+ sets of eyes that will discuss them over Sunday lunch, then they have courage beyond most. The thing that I like about this whole situation is that it relied on the guy taking the first step. Most guys would say that they don't mind girls doing the persuing, but the problem with that is if the girl is the persuer then she lives with the lifelong question: "did I somehow manipulate this guy into liking me?" Even though he might claim complete and utter devotion to her, there is still an inkling of suspicion that if she hadn't acted, then he would have NEVER acted. That is not something that I want to live with. I don't think that girls are built for that, and I don't think guys should have to be persued. It might be too much to ask for some guy to actually step out on a limb on the chance that it might break off if he takes one more step, but I'm ok with that. I guess thats maybe one of the reasons that I'm still single. I'm not desperate enought to do the work. I want to feel valuable enough for someone to take a chance.
To all single Christian girls: I'm proud of you. Wait. I hate it, and it sucks, but if you want someone who wants you, no holds bar, and you don't want to worry about the "what if's" then keep it up. Waiting sucks, but the alternative is lifelong wonder, so in my mind waiting is worth it.
Now the disclaimer: don't sit at home waiting in a dark corner. If you are non-existant then there is nothing to be persued in the first place. Unless you are actually available then you can't blame guys for not having any guts.
Ok, thats enough for today. I have to go get a massage now.
I've come up with a theory about single Christian girls. I still agree with it a few weeks later, so I guess this is it. If you meet a single Christian girl, she's single for one of three reasons:
1. There is something really physically/emotionally/etc. wrong with her.
2. She honestly doesn’t want to be seeing someone.
3. She is one of many who does want to date but for some reason unbeknownst to her or anyone else barring God, she hasn’t discovered her soul-mate yet.
Now I would like to believe that number 1 doesn't apply to me most of the time, and as much as I would like to be a rock and be perfectly happy as a single girl, I know that that isn't true, so I'm basically a number 3, along with probably 97% of the other single Christian girls I know.
I was just talking to a friend of mine, and we were talking about the strange desire that many girls have just to be wanted by someone of the opposite sex, even if we aren't actually interested in them in return. Often, especially before you have ever been in a relationship, there is a desire just to be able to say "no, thankyou" because you just want to feel like someone thought you were worth persuing. You just want someone to think that you are good enough to be asked for your number. Its not some sadistic desire to have control or power to hold over guys, just the innate desire to be desired. (As a side note, it doesn't feel good to say no to someone, but the basic ability to be ABLE to say no far outweighs this issue in most cases).
This friend of mine also came up with the concept of the "that girl," and I'm going to steal this concept just for this blog. If I ever write a book, I'll credit her for sure with the idea. Every "girl group" has a "that girl." That girl is the girl that will get 85% of the attention if the girl group is faced with interacting with a boy group. She is the one that has experience saying "no" to guys, and she's the one that every guy her age and younger (and sometimes older) wants to take on a date. I had a friend like this in my high school youth group. She finally agreed to go to the movies with my little brother and the guys in the youth group idolized him for a while. Nothing came of it, but that is completely beside the point. The point is that she was the "that girl" of the youth group. Guys want to date her, girls want to be her, and no one, but her, knows what its really like to have her life. I was never a "that girl."
I was also talking to another friend, this time a guy, about the trouble with dating in church. There is a definite stigma surrounding the "in church relationship." In his words, "I think in the alliance (the denomination he currently attends, but basically, fill in any that you might attend) if you walk into the service together, then it must be pretty serious, and if you actually put your arm around someone, you may as well be engaged already. It might be a weak excuse for all the church-going fellas out there, but who can blame them for not being ready for that kind of commitment, in front of hundreds of judgemental people...?"
Now I see this guys point, and have yet to respond to his email, and I was talking to my roommate about it, and we think he might be on to something. When we hear about a new couple that is dating in the church, there is an immediate conclusion reached that they will probably get married, and they must be very serious already. If they are willing to hold hands in front of 200+ sets of eyes that will discuss them over Sunday lunch, then they have courage beyond most. The thing that I like about this whole situation is that it relied on the guy taking the first step. Most guys would say that they don't mind girls doing the persuing, but the problem with that is if the girl is the persuer then she lives with the lifelong question: "did I somehow manipulate this guy into liking me?" Even though he might claim complete and utter devotion to her, there is still an inkling of suspicion that if she hadn't acted, then he would have NEVER acted. That is not something that I want to live with. I don't think that girls are built for that, and I don't think guys should have to be persued. It might be too much to ask for some guy to actually step out on a limb on the chance that it might break off if he takes one more step, but I'm ok with that. I guess thats maybe one of the reasons that I'm still single. I'm not desperate enought to do the work. I want to feel valuable enough for someone to take a chance.
To all single Christian girls: I'm proud of you. Wait. I hate it, and it sucks, but if you want someone who wants you, no holds bar, and you don't want to worry about the "what if's" then keep it up. Waiting sucks, but the alternative is lifelong wonder, so in my mind waiting is worth it.
Now the disclaimer: don't sit at home waiting in a dark corner. If you are non-existant then there is nothing to be persued in the first place. Unless you are actually available then you can't blame guys for not having any guts.
Ok, thats enough for today. I have to go get a massage now.
Friday, January 06, 2006
3 Crazy Weeks.
I was going to wait until I got back from Grande Prairie before I updated this thing, due to the dial up connection that my parents have out here. But a bit of prodding from the one person who reads my blog made me think otherwise. Its been a good, but busy, holiday. Much busier than I expected, anyways.
Here’s the rundown:
16th - got home
17th - dinner with Dan, Alician and James
18th - Davis’s for dinner, cousin Rachel has baby Leilah
19th - went to gym with mom and Karin, Shop till I drop for Christmas
20th - Finish Shopping, 1st day woke up with no headache. (since last week sometime)
21st - Bake!!
22nd - keep baking, see Narnia with Dad, Mom, Tannis
23rd - I forget. I was awfully tired by then.
24th - prep for Christmas dinner/day. Mom cuts hand open, goes to hospital with Dad, I make Christmas dinner. Insanity.
25th - Christmas! Fun, Crazy, Food was great, hallelujah!
26th - Boxing Day - Dan, Alician, James come out for day. Charity at home still, yay!
27th - No recollection of this day. I think it was relatively relaxing
28th - Massage. Ahhhhh
29th - Coffee with Edie and Jen
30th - Skiing at Powder King with Dad and Dan. Possibly best day of my Holiday. SO much fun. Only fell 3 times.
31st - See King Kong with Dan, Alician, Matt. Good fun movie - had splitting headache by end, due to sitting in same position for three hours with sore muscles from wiping out on 30th. Went home. Took drugs, slept, got up, hung out with parents and friends for new years.
1st - New Years Day - Church, Dan, Alician, James visit, play monopoly - fun!
2nd - Start organizing family pics from last 30 years. Hang out with Erin and Aaron, Go to Moxies and "Cheaper By the Dozen 2" with Tannis. Decide on Trip through states this summer. YAY!
3rd - Lunch with Grandma and Grandpa, keep organizing pics, dinner with Michael and Miriam.
4th - Lunch with Melissa, pictures
5th - pictures, Rachel’s baby shower for Leilah.
6th - so far, pictures, hopefully Charity will come out for the evening.
That’s it so far. I’m coming back to Sherwood Park on the 8th in the afternoon, and then my last semester of school starts. Profound thoughts on school? Nope. I can’t wait to be done. This semester will be crazy, I’ll be glad when its over, and then I’m going to go to Disneyland (literally - and the Oregon Coast, and the Redwood Forest, and the Grand Canyon, and possibly the Celine Dion show in Las Vegas. Yay Tannis!)
I definitely have not lost any weight this Christmas Holiday. Eating out, and eating so much so often does not lend itself well to "dieting." That will start on the 9th. Maybe.
I have read a few books while I’ve been home. I read the Princess Bride, which a friend gave me like 2 or so years ago. I had never had the time to read it, so that was nice. I am also about ½ way through "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" which is the 3rd book in the Chronicles of Narnia. My 9 year old cousin is on the 5th book - go Gabrielle!
In any case, I would like to stay here and deny real life for another week or two, but that’s not going to happen. So I’ll see most of you in the next week or so, and say goodbye to a few.
See ya’ll later - Merry Christmas, all the best in 2006!
Here’s the rundown:
16th - got home
17th - dinner with Dan, Alician and James
18th - Davis’s for dinner, cousin Rachel has baby Leilah
19th - went to gym with mom and Karin, Shop till I drop for Christmas
20th - Finish Shopping, 1st day woke up with no headache. (since last week sometime)
21st - Bake!!
22nd - keep baking, see Narnia with Dad, Mom, Tannis
23rd - I forget. I was awfully tired by then.
24th - prep for Christmas dinner/day. Mom cuts hand open, goes to hospital with Dad, I make Christmas dinner. Insanity.
25th - Christmas! Fun, Crazy, Food was great, hallelujah!
26th - Boxing Day - Dan, Alician, James come out for day. Charity at home still, yay!
27th - No recollection of this day. I think it was relatively relaxing
28th - Massage. Ahhhhh
29th - Coffee with Edie and Jen
30th - Skiing at Powder King with Dad and Dan. Possibly best day of my Holiday. SO much fun. Only fell 3 times.
31st - See King Kong with Dan, Alician, Matt. Good fun movie - had splitting headache by end, due to sitting in same position for three hours with sore muscles from wiping out on 30th. Went home. Took drugs, slept, got up, hung out with parents and friends for new years.
1st - New Years Day - Church, Dan, Alician, James visit, play monopoly - fun!
2nd - Start organizing family pics from last 30 years. Hang out with Erin and Aaron, Go to Moxies and "Cheaper By the Dozen 2" with Tannis. Decide on Trip through states this summer. YAY!
3rd - Lunch with Grandma and Grandpa, keep organizing pics, dinner with Michael and Miriam.
4th - Lunch with Melissa, pictures
5th - pictures, Rachel’s baby shower for Leilah.
6th - so far, pictures, hopefully Charity will come out for the evening.
That’s it so far. I’m coming back to Sherwood Park on the 8th in the afternoon, and then my last semester of school starts. Profound thoughts on school? Nope. I can’t wait to be done. This semester will be crazy, I’ll be glad when its over, and then I’m going to go to Disneyland (literally - and the Oregon Coast, and the Redwood Forest, and the Grand Canyon, and possibly the Celine Dion show in Las Vegas. Yay Tannis!)
I definitely have not lost any weight this Christmas Holiday. Eating out, and eating so much so often does not lend itself well to "dieting." That will start on the 9th. Maybe.
I have read a few books while I’ve been home. I read the Princess Bride, which a friend gave me like 2 or so years ago. I had never had the time to read it, so that was nice. I am also about ½ way through "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" which is the 3rd book in the Chronicles of Narnia. My 9 year old cousin is on the 5th book - go Gabrielle!
In any case, I would like to stay here and deny real life for another week or two, but that’s not going to happen. So I’ll see most of you in the next week or so, and say goodbye to a few.
See ya’ll later - Merry Christmas, all the best in 2006!
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