L is for the way…

I’ve always wanted to fall in love.
Like head over heels, do anything for you, till death do us part love.

I always thought that it would be an instantaneous, lightning bolt moment when it happened, but I don’t think that that is how it is supposed to work anymore. I think that lust for sure happens that way; you can see a person and be instantly attracted to them. But love, real forever love, is something that you realize more slowly. You realize how important that person is to you, and how much you want to be with them. The thought of losing that person makes you feel sick, and heartbroken all at the same time. You want that person to know every mundane detail of your life, every time someone hurts your feelings, every time you give yourself a paper cut, every time something makes you happy. And you want them to care that it happened, and when you’re in real love, I think that they do care.

I don’t think that all of these feelings happen all at once, or to the same degree. I think that it is an eventuality, that you can be unsure about it, especially if you’ve never been in love before. All the feelings are new, and you start to wonder if this is what love feels like, or if this is just really really caring about someone, but still short of love.

I think that the first time you tell someone that you love them, it’s a huge step. Because what if you’re not actually? Those three words have become so important, in that particular situation, that they can change lives forever. They have been at the climax of more movies than I can imagine, and when I say them to someone finally, I want it to be for-sure, no-holds-bar forever love.

The Pace Slows Down

I guess its time to write again. I can finally breathe a bit, after a pretty nutty oh, 6 months or so. I don’t really feel like writing down everything that’s happened, so I’ll just say this, I’m just working, still single and looking forward to moving to Whitecourt (of all places!) to teach grade 7 in the fall. End of story.

What I have to do now is buy things. I’ve got so much stuff to buy to be able to live (admittedly comfortably). I’m a bit torn. Do I just get it all, and pay for it over the next year and a half or so? Or do I get things slowly and just live uncomfortably for a long time? I don’t know… Credit makes things really easy, but not guilt free. Should I feel guilty for getting stuff on credit?

In any case, I’ve compiled a list of stuff I need. Thankfully, I have a lot of kitchen and bedroom stuff already, but here is the list:

Bedroom: Bed (Queen), Frame (just plain metal), Night stand

Spare Room: Sewing machine table (one of those folding ones from Costco, probably)

Living Room: Couch, Loveseat or Chair, End Tables, TV, TV Stand

Kitchen: Table, Chairs, Microwave Stand (I have minimal counter space – my one complaint)

Bathroom: Shower Curtain

So, that is that. I’m really excited to be moving and to be on my own and to have space. It’s all very selfish, and I understand that. I love my current roommate, and I love my friends that I’m moving away from, I just feel like I’m finally an adult, in some ways. In others I still feel like I should be asking myself what the heck I am doing purchasing a sofa and loveseat. Isn’t that something that married people do?


Since marriage came up… which it seems to relatively frequently… I got an email from a girl who was in my last class at the U today. She is engaged. Now, I suppose that this is something that I should be happy about. I mean, good for her, she found “the one” and all that. Her and every other girl in my class. But what makes them so great that they’ve been able to find that guy? What’s wrong with me? (This seems to be a question that comes up relatively frequently as well.)

I know that there have been a few guys in my life that have liked me, but this hasn’t really made be feel better about myself, because compliments from them usually end up with me either questioning their sanity, or asking what is wrong with all of the guys who I could date, because usually the ones that like me are off-limits for one reason or another.



I feel like my life is sort of on hold right now, until I move. I need to be going into this summer full of expectations and fun-ness, but part of me just wants it to be over so that I can start the next part of my life. I’m just in limbo again, sort of waiting to be able to move, and buy things, and all of that. And everyone is telling me to wait, and I just want to keep moving but I can’t. It’s so frustrating. I know that I need to relax and enjoy life right now, and focus on today and all of that, but my whole life is geared towards my future right now, and so I can’t.