Unhurt and Home

So, I'm back from our family ski trip and I'm happy to announce that there were no injuries, physical or emotional. We all generally got along great, and we didn't even fall too much! The first day, which ended up being only an afternoon, went good but everyone was super tired and it was tough to get active. The second day, after a great sleep, was so much better. Plus the weather was amazing, and to watch the sunrise and sunset from the top of a mountain is an awe-inspiring experience.

I just finished reading a book about a girl who blogs about a guy that she works with, and then she falls in love with him. Its very cute, and he figures out that the blog he finds is actually hers, and it all works out in the end, but it got me thinking about this blog. I talk about all sorts of useless things, and none of it is declaring my love for anyone else. I would like someone in particular to blog about. Someone who takes my breath away and who I think about and dream about. Someone real, not in a book (although this guy was exceptionally attractive sounding).

The thing about complaining about marriage (or the lack-thereof) is that it is sort of pointless if there is no one in the picture that you can see yourself marrying in the next little while. There are always ideas and thoughts, but unless action follows its a bit futile.

I was also reminded today that even if I end up alone my whole life, I can still lead a useful, fulfilling life, and that in the end, even if my life is seemingly terrible, it is all worth it if I've been faithful. Hold steady, know that God is in control, and cling to him when your life is definitely not. Words that sound good, but it will take longer than a couple of hours to really believe them. The head connection is there, but the heart connection is a bit fuzzy sometimes.

I'm going back to work in a few days. I was supposed to have a full two weeks off, but I got a new job on the last day of my old one, and so I'm going back to work next Wednesday to prep for new classes, new students, new school, and a new adventure. Should be interesting. I barely know what classes that I will be teaching. haha. I'm sure it will all work out though. It always does.

Oh, I did fall asleep the other night, when I was complaining about it. It just took a couple of hours and a blanket wrapped around me under the covers. I have this thing about being warm and tightly wrapped. It is so secure or something.

Christmas Week

I'm at my parents farm this week. My mother does Christmas like no one I know. When I come home its not a normal homecoming - hi honey welcome home here is a cup of coffee. Instead it is hi honey welcome home, would you like a cup of hot chocolate (if so what flavor), a cup of coffee (with which specialty creamer?) or a cup of hot apple cider? Do you like the decorations (I can't really find my house under all of them) and how do you like the atmosphere? Is it Christmas-y enough? (And I'm expecting Santa to fall down one of the chimney's into one of the two wood burning fires that are smoking at any given moment.

OK, that's enough. I was going to go into an explanation of what Christmas at my house is like, the overwhelmingness of it all. But instead I'm going to talk about something different. The ski trip tomorrow, and how, even though I know it will be fun, it is currently ruining my life.

It is currently 10:23 pm. Not exactly a late night. But I'm getting up at 3:00 am. Which is exactly an early morning. Half the world doesn't even go to bed until then (the cool half, of which I am not a part.) For those of you who did not just do the math, that's in 4 1/2 hours. Ideally I can sleep in the truck on the way down. The problem is that I don't sleep well in vehicles, especially since I know I'm going to be doing something all day that I have done maybe 6 times before in my entire life. Skiing.

I'm not cool enough to stay up till 3 am normally, nor am I cool enough to snowboard. I ski because I sort of can. I figure why start something new when I'm actually not that good at the something old. If I applied this to relationships I'd still be going out with my first boyfriend. But in this case the relationship analogy doesn't work, because the first boyfriend is married, and my mediocrity at skiing will never leave me.

I hate it that I can't sleep before big days. Here are some not-so-philosophical questions I'd like answered:

1. How can I be more awake 1/2 an hour after I shut off my light that I was 5 minutes before it?
2. Why does my heart beat fast when I'm lying doing nothing, but when I was packing 12 minutes before there was no irregularity whatsoever?
3. How is it possible that everything that I need to do in the next month floods into my brain the moment all I need to do is sleep?
4. Why do I not take a sleeping pill the only nights that I really need to?
5. Is it okay to fake the flu just because I'm nervous about falling? The thought of staying home alone for two days while my family is out getting cold, wet and bruised is really not all that bad right now - but oh, the guilt)
6. How can I be so nervous about something that I know will go fine, just like it did last year?
7. Why do I care about all the administration stuff? The "parent" stuff? I'm a kid tomorrow, why can't I just let them take care of it, and attend the event in a que-sera-sera fashion?
8. What is the problem with sleeping? I want to, why doesn't my brain?

OK, I'm going to go take a second stab at it. And then I'm just going to lie there silently if it doesn't work. I'll update this if I live through our 2nd annual ski trip.

My fall

What a strange fall it has been. I should not write these things at night anymore. Or maybe at all, except that a few people out there still read them. I just read through the few posts I've written since September, and realized how much life has changed. (I also realized that if you knew me only by my blog you'd think that I should probably be on some sort of up-lifting medication). At the beginning of September I had a boyfriend, I felt like teaching was this insane challenge that there was no way I could do alone (boyfriend was a teacher and tons of help), and I was totally nervous to the point that I actually lost like 5 or 10 pounds in my first two weeks (that has since returned.)

Today I have no boyfriend and I am managing to teach everyday, sometimes by the seat of my pants, but they're learning something anyways... I have confidence that even though I'm not the greatest teacher now, I have potential and I think someday I can be a great teacher. I'm not super close with many teachers at work, but I've recieved enough positive feedback that I think I'll be ok. It seems like September was yesterday in some ways, but in others I feel so much OLDER.

I went to Edmonton over the weekend, and had a complete blast. I didn't take work (which means that I spent one whole day NOT working!) and I hung out with the girls, made waffles, decorated Christmas cookies, shopped, dressed up, and went to a party at a mansion. (see sweet pictures below.)

It was SO fun. I felt young, and that is weird almost. My life is so serious here, it seems. I have fun and everything, but for some reason it seems like I am two people. Not to any extreme, but still there is this divide between "teacher Hannah" and "friend Hannah." I'm not totally sure how to balance that or if I should be one or the other or what. But for now it works because my two lives are in two separate locations.

It seems a bit strange that I haven't talked about boys in a long time. With the exception of my ex, I haven't really had a subject in mind, and I suppose that dwelling on my ex is not something that is exceptionally fun, so I just don't. This weekend was fun because of the "guy" thing. Good times, ego boost, and awesome stuff to talk about on my blog. Not depressing at all.

Guys are aggravating. I've gone to church my whole life, and do you know the number of "church-guys" who have shown interest in me at all? zero. nil. none. zip. I'm not that horrible looking (see sweet pictures) and I have a relatively good personality, but still, nada. I went to my old church last week, which I miss terribly, and the one time a brother of a friend shows up (not a "church" guy) HE thinks I'm really cute. So, what was stopping the thousand other guys? Why am I not attractive to them? Its all very confusing and freaking frusterating. Like I said. Guys are aggravating. I also might have a not-so-blind date coming up with a friend of the girls. Overall, the weekend was definitely not a complete bust. :)

Ok, so for your viewing pleasure, one last hot shot of Carolyn and I. I realize I'm totally egotistical tonight, but how often does that happen? I'm totally allowed once a year.

Just to Qualify

I um, don't feel as crappy right now as I did last night. I just want to make that clear. Life is still overwhelming, but this morning I'm not crying about it... I'm just accepting it and I will just keep moving because that is what I do.

But ya, I just want everyone to know that I'm not as sad all the time as I was yesterday evening.

Losing it

I feel like I'm losing it sometimes. Like right now for instance. I feel completely overwhelmed. And not just a little bit, like "oh I'm so busy ha ha" overwhelmed, but like "truck running over me, and not one of the little ones" overwhelmed. I need more time. I need a break SO bad that I am crying for no reason. Just completely breaking down. All alone. I don't think I'm unhappy, but I just don't know how to get it all done. I know it will get done, but the process to getting there just seems so... hard I guess. Impossible. Everest. Tiring. I am SO tired. I'm dreading Christmas and I know I shouldn't dread Christmas. I just have so much to do before then, and during then, and every task seems insurmountable. I feel like I'm carrying so much, and I just want help. I want someone to tell me that I don't have to do it all. I don't have to do Christmas, and skiing and New Years, and all the work and soreness and everything. I just want to do nothing. Just nothing. Absolutely nothing. For like a month. I don't even know if that would be long enough. A month seems short all of a sudden. Maybe two or three. Or a year. I have been working for so long, and every break is filled with homework or marking, or some other major event... long weekends are too short. I just need to breathe. Breathing would be good. I need to be away, to have space, to not feel like if I could die from this then I would be dead. I need hope. I need to feel like I'm not failing, like I'm worth something, like I'm not gross looking and overweight. I just need air. Air would be good. Instead I'm going to go get sleep, and tomorrow I will work. And the next day I will work, and the next day I will work. And everything will just be. Just like it always is. And nothing will change. And I will be tired. And consumed.

Sunday Night Syndrome

It turns out that the weirdness I experience on Sunday nights is not some strange weekly depression, but an actual named problem faced by a lot of people who have busy jobs with a lot to remember... Sunday Night Syndrome. Apparently many people feel like their weekends are pretty much over by Saturday, and Sunday has become a "pre-work" to work day. This describes me to a tee. I get home on Friday, veg Friday night, clean or relax on Saturday, leaving my planning work for Sunday. Teaching is one of those jobs that requires "out-of-work" work, because of the marking and planning. I have been dreading Sundays, because by about 5 or 6 I feel very anxious about the next day and week, I have a million things going around in my brain, and I can't shut it off to sleep, even though I know that I need sleep. This isn't as abnormal as I thought though, thankfully. I just hope it doesn't stick around.

I had such a fun time with my sister this weekend! She came down and we went to the city for the day yesterday and got ALL of our Christmas shopping done (except for each others presents, of course!) It was great just to be able to relax with each other with nothing major planned just fun sisterly stuff. I'm going to miss her so much if she actually goes to Australia for 6 months! We've finally gotten really close...

Ok, I'm going to go try to wind down for a bit... Go sleep go!

good night and good luck

It has been one week since my last post. This one, my mother told me, must be “happier” than the last, so happy I will be.

I have great hope that tonight I will sleep much better than last Sunday night. I don’t know what it is about Sunday nights, but I’m going to bed with a positive attitude. I am not going to worry about lacking sleep tonight, or feeling sick or anything. I will sleep great… unless I don’t. What if this is a forever thing with me, not sleeping well on Sunday nights. I love Sundays! I don’t want to have to worry about them! Ok, no freak outs. Must just relax and not worry… be happy, right?

Ok, great things: I did the minimum amount of work this weekend required to successfully cope tomorrow at school. I went to a taco party, cleaned, had a couple of friends visit from Edmonton, and watched WAY too many episodes of the Gilmore girls on DVD. I love that show on DVD. Not so much on TV. In any case, it was a stellar weekend, and I’m relatively well-rested, and I’m ready for tomorrow. Not much else, but tomorrow I got!

Life is going well. Lots of decisions to make, with work and living and stuff. One minute I’m sure I want to go home and sub, the next stay here and sub, and hope for a more permanent job. Do I want to live here though, like on a permanent basis? I don’t know – I don’t think so! I think I want to get married and have babies and live, well, wherever, as long as I’m married, and I can teach, and I have kids. This whole maternal thing has kicked in lately – I feel like a bit of a geek.

In any case, the point is, that I think I’ll be happy wherever as long as I’m with someone that I love, and who is my family. I’d really like to find that person, soon if possible. I’d like to get married, and start that life. That would make me smile.

That’s enough for now. I’m going to go to sleep. I will! You’ll see!

Sleep and the Lack Thereof

I am one of those people who likes to get their eight hours. I mean really really likes it. I'm a little bit mad at the clock when I look at it and I know that there is no way that I can get it tonight, I can only possibly get like 7 hours 53 minutes, and that is if I go to bed right now.

So the fact that my computer clock says its 12:02 makes me so frusterated right now. Why am I taking time out to write in this blog then? Because its not like I haven't tried tonight. I went to bed over an hour and a half ago. I shut my light off about an hour and 20 minutes ago. I know thats not a lot of time, but it very rarely takes me this long to fall asleep.

For some reason, nothing will shut off tonight. My brain, stomach, bladder, neck ... all are complaining. If I lay one way I feel a bit sick. If I lay another, I feel like I have to pee (I've been up twice already because of that), another way and my neck is being pulled one way or another. And regardless of the position or area of my bed I am sleeping on, my mind won't quit. I've got some worship song from church this morning going around (something about "you are the rock, living in us, you are the God, in whom we trust, ..." something catchy and mind numbing, not slow and melodic), and when thats not there, I'm thinking of the "Les poisson" song from the little mermaid, or the "Gaston" song from Beauty and the beast, or the "Just can't wait to be king" song from the lion king. I have had a thing recently for disney soundtracks. Now they're driving me insane.

Regardless of the song that is rolling around, I've got teaching stuff on my brain. I know I have a busy week ahead of me, but I haven't had a day without work in a LONG time. Even when i was home last weekend, I did some work everyday so that i would be ready for Tuesday, when I had to go back. This weekend I did my "professional growth plan" on friday night, cleaned and marked on Saturday, and finished marking and planned for this week (or at least the begninning of it) today. I just want a day off. Where I don't have to think about what I have to do.

And on top of everything I get to worry about parents that I need to call, students I need to convince to hand in their homework, and the fact that come December 31, I HAVE NO JOB anymore, and I might have to sub insane classes who are hell for subs. I don't want to sub - I have NO desire at all to babysit someone elses class. I like the fact that I can build relationships with my kids, even though they do drive me nuts. The ONLY thing that would be good about subbing is the fact that I wouldn't have planning and marking to do every night and weekend.

Oh, and usually money and my lack of it seeps into my brain as well, because not only do I owe for normal stuff like furniture and credit cards, but I get to start paying off my student loans, and I haven't paid my parents back the money I owe them. And I feel terrible about that, more than anything I think.

Now my ears are ringing. This is new and different.

Ok, I'm ranting, its late. I did take a bunch of headache medication (again without a headache - bad Hannah) because it normally makes me drowsy, and I figured maybe it would shut off my incessant thinking and singing.

I'm going to go attempt sleeping again. Knowing that I can only get 5 hours and 45 minutes from now. I think I might have dozed a bit before. Thank goodness for Tim Hortons. Maybe I won't be completely useless tomorrow. I think I might be a little OCD.

Better than yesterday

I got home about 3 hours ago from my Birthday/Thanksgiving weekend at home, which was actually really fun and relaxing. Short list of my weekend: my sister and I marked my students’ stuff, I saw people from church, I was encouraged once again to try pursuing something with someone’s son as I was no longer with anyone, I woke up to coffee in bed, I listened to Christmas music, I saw my new nephew, and life was good. (I also ate WAY too much, but it was joyful…

I could go a day or two without thinking about sadness and loneliness, and life is looking up. I have been reminded lately about how many people really do care about me, even though they aren’t right near me. I was also reminded recently that even though things might not work out the way you expect, sometimes something really great happens anyways, in spite of everything. And that is exciting. I think sometimes God works around our mistakes, which is a big relief.

I’ve been planning my week, figuring out what I need to photocopy tomorrow morning, and now I’m going to go to bed. Not having to drive 5 hours back to the city from GP is nice, but a drive is a drive, and I’m tired. And still full of turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!

And here is a picture of Isaiah, my new nephew…

If I drank I would be drunk.

Today I just want to go home. Back to my mom. And I want it to be Christmas. And I want my brother and sister to be at home, and I want it to be night time, and I want there to be a fire in the fireplace and I want to be drinking hot chocolate and I want it to be like it should be. I want to be happy. But I’m not. I just watched a Christmas episode of Grey’s Anatomy from last season, and that’s what makes me want Christmas, but I have been feeling so lonely lately, and that isn’t from TV. I have made myself stay up till 9 so that I’m not that pathetic, but I literally have nothing to do sometimes, or what I have to do is not urgent, or just as depressing as not doing anything. I know that I’m a first year teacher, and that I should be run off my feet, and I am busy, and I have a lot to do all the time, but there seems to be that hour or two every couple of nights where I should be going out and having fun or something, and I don’t have anything to do. This lack of anything to do is coupled with a breakup that feels sometimes like I’m going to be fine, and sometimes like my heart is made of lead and pushing out of my chest. So what I want right now is to run away. I wish I wasn’t a grown up and I wish I didn’t have to worry about work and money, and I wish I could just go home and curl up on the couch and cry and cry. And then I wish that I could just be happy. But I don’t think I’m going to be until I’m not waiting for that “person” that is finally going to make sense with me, and I know that I’m not supposed to have emptiness and that God is supposed to be filling me up so that there is nothing lacking, but I feel so empty and I think that we just need touch sometimes, just physical contact. And with no one around and the one person who was around every once in a while out of the picture, there is no chance of that happening. So I’m just alone. And my birthday week starts this week, and I’m going to be 24, and its such a non-event, and I love my birthday, but it makes me sad because its not special this year. It was supposed to be the first year ever that I was going to have a boyfriend at the same time as my birthday but its not now. Now its just another birthday. I’m just older, and more pathetic, and obviously a bit depressed. And I’ll get presents, and I’ll be smiling and laughing, but what happens when I come back? Nothing will change. It will just be me, fine in the day, and alone at night. Fighting the moths that keep getting into my apartment mysteriously. Its 9:22, I can go to bed now.

a random assortment

The funny thing about moving is that nothing ever really changes. You can change your location, your job, the view from your window, but in reality, you still have the same personality, same idiosyncrasies, and the same addictions that plagued you prior to the move… Its easy to think that a change in scenery will help you change your habits, but in reality, they come with you – maybe not for a day or two, but they are always in tow. I still hate to clean, I still don’t like cooking, I still eat way to much junk. I still watch too much TV, get stressed about the future, and I still have a hard time maintaining anything that even resembles a schedule.

It turns out that despite my best intentions, changing things that are ingrained already is going to take a lot more work than I thought.

So, I’m doing the “long distance relationship” thing. (If “long distance” is defined by needing to call long distance to talk to the significant other…) Its only about an hour and a half to see him, but after spending the summer seeing each other almost daily, I think I’m going through withdrawal. Not so much fun. Adding to the problem is that we’re both teachers. This means that yes, we do get the same holidays, but that we also have to work after school, on weekends, and most holidays to keep up with the work load and planning. It basically all comes down to three words: I miss him. That is all.

Today I’ve actually been relatively productive… I’ve finished my year plans for Social, which is a big project in itself, because it’s a new curriculum, and so there is nothing to work from but the curriculum itself, and the textbook written for the class. This afternoon I have Science to work on, and a computers class that I’m teaching. Hopefully lots will get done. I have yet to get out of my pajama’s, and lets be honest, I may stay in them all day.

Ok, back to work. Then a nap. mmmm. I love nap.

quick rant:

What is with people that pull up inches behind you in the drive-through? I mean. I understand the concept of the drive-through – stay in your cars, get as many through as possible, convenience and speed, etc, etc. But is it really necessary for you (usually in a truck that screams “I AM COMPENSATING!” – welcome to Sherwood Park) to practically massage the bumper of the person in front of you? I hear you all now: “but I know my car, I’m not too close, I know exactly where I am!” Well, that’s great for you. But maybe I don’t really know mine. Maybe I don’t know how far you are away from me, and it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I like my bumper the way it is. Maybe I drive a stick and I’m going to roll back several inches when I put it into gear. Maybe I don’t give a crap how well you know your cars bumpers, but I don’t know YOU that well, and want you out of my frigging personal space. Just back off. Giving me a foot or two of comfort zone is NOT going to back up the line at Tim Horton’s any further than it already is backed up, and believe me, you will not get to the window one second faster by looming in my rearview mirror.

Have a special day.

drug-induced sleep

I just woke up from a 2 hour nap. I get bad headaches, and I have medication that I can take for them. This medication doesn’t always put me to sleep, but if I take enough of it, I know it will put me to sleep in short order. This knowledge, combined with the fact that I haven’t been sleeping great in my 35 degree Celsius apartment resulted in a wonderful drug-induced nap that I haven’t yet fully awakened from. Its weird because I know that I took an extra pill just so that I could completely sleep – really really hard. I don’t know if this is a bad thing, but I figure as long as I’m not taking medication regularly to sleep its not a bit deal. I’ve just been so tired and lethargic, and when its so hot everywhere, and there is no relief, its nice to be able to sleep through it, even if it is only just for a couple of hours. Plus, my headache seems to have lessened, at least for a while.

Now the part where I talk about guys (or in my case, the guy). I called my Uncle and Aunt's in the States. My parents and sister left on Saturday to go visit them, so I called today to make sure that they were happy and healthy and all that. I started talking to my Uncle, who is a pastor down there, and immediately the guy came up. This is not such a surprise, as my Uncle is a pastor, and he loves to make people think (and he loves to make people uncomfortable). But he asked me important stuff about where this guy was spiritually, and how does he lead me, and I had to say, right off the bat, that he doesn’t lead me. He hasn’t been a strong believer as long as I have, and he isn’t at the same place as me. He also asked me what this guy does that makes me know that he is a Christian, and because I had just woken up and because it was just so immediate and flooring, I just said that I didn’t know. I want this guy to be that for me – a spiritual leader, and a strong Christian, and I don’t think that its something that is out of reach, but I’ve always said that I wouldn’t “missionary date” either, where I date someone and hope they become what I want them to be. My Uncle just said, well I know what to pray about then, and that was that. He’s awesome and I love my family so much, and I couldn’t marry someone that they weren’t 100% behind either.

Its making me think though, besides church attendance, what do I do that would make people know that I’m a Christian? I’m nice, I try not to gossip, etc etc, but a lot of people who don’t have faith do that because they have good morals. I haven’t been very consistent with my Bible reading lately, and besides the guy, I haven’t shared my beliefs with anyone in a long time. I’m feeling very hypocritical. I can call myself a Christian, and I have faith, but if its not acted out, then how do other people know its there? To most people I’m probably just a sweet girl, who can be opinionated, and who goes to church on Sunday. Basically, I’m describing a large percentage of the female population, and to me being a real Christian is so much more than that. Why do I have such a hard time living up to the standards that I set for everyone else in my life, and do I have the right to set the bar higher for everyone else, when I’m not making the bar myself?

But I miss him

I have turned into one of those girls I hate. I can do the whole “social outing” thing, and pull off that I am having fun, and for moments, I can have genuine fun. But for the next 3 weeks, I’m really sort of faking it. My boyfriendish-sort-of-thing is on a vacation, which he is completely entitled to, and actually has cut short because of me, I think. This leaves me alone, and really not wanting to do anything or go anywhere at all. Its like I’ve turned into one of those whiney “I miss him so much” types. And I have! I don’t think that I whine all that much, but in reality I could; I’m just able to control myself somewhat. In my mind though, I miss him like crazy. Of course I want him to relax, have fun, etc, etc, but I also want him to come home and be with me. Its very selfish of me, I know. But I think when you care about someone and they leave, there is a hole left, that only they can fill. And when they’re not there to fill it, it just sucks, and you have no motivation at all. Another cookie please.

An assortment of updates

I currently do approximately 1 to 1 ½ hours of work per day. I get paid for 7 and ¼ hours of work. Now, to most people this would sound joyful! I can do anything I want for the 6 left-over hours! Read, talk on the phone, plan my parents anniversary, put album covers with all the songs on my iPod… short of leaving my office I can pretty much spend the day doing, well, whatever I want. Unfortunately, this is not what I want to be doing. I was raised to work at work, and do other stuff on my own time. I dread going to work because there is literally NOTHING for me to do here. I open some mail, do a bit of filing, stamp the date on things… and I know this is just “summer at my job.” During the fall, winter and spring there is tons to do, and never enough time to do it, but during the summer, oh wow… the workload slows from a waterfall to a trickle. A very weak sad little trickle. I think my job is slowly sucking the life out of me.

On the up-side, I have read the first 4 Harry Potter books in the last few weeks, and I’m on the 5th. Totally addicting, and honestly just good fun.

I’m bringing a boy home to meet my parents this weekend. I’m also planning a party for their 25th anniversary, so it will be an insanely busy weekend, but he’s important to me, and this is the only weekend before I move that this will actually work. Plus, he drives a 4-runner, so he will be a big help in picking stuff up for the party…

I’m moving in like 4 ½ weeks. Moving cities… different address, phone number, everyone I know will be a long distance call away… such an odd thought. Moving brings with it a lot of expenses. Like, for instance, furniture. I bought a bed, couch, loveseat, and TV the other day. I have never spent so much money in one day before. Quite the nerve-racking ordeal, I could hardly sleep that night. (Good thing my job isn’t exactly overly-demanding).

The whole relationship thing is interesting. I’ve never been very good at “labeling” in a relationship. I am in the 1% of girls that can survive without definition of what “we” are. I’ve never called this person my boyfriend, but my friends refer to him as that all the time, because it reduces confusion when talking about him. He is this guy, who I want to spend all of my time with, who knows me better than 99% of the people in my life do, who can’t get enough of me (tee hee) and who I don’t want to move away from. Ever. But we haven’t ever said that we’re officially “dating” because we started as friends. There wasn’t a defining day that changed things for us, just a slow evolution of the relationship, to the point that he is meeting my parents… Somehow I’m ok with the lack of “official definition” though. I’m secure in whatever it is that we are, and I know that we’re both exclusive to one another, so it’s ok just the way it is.

Well this was a sort of a mish-mash of thoughts today. I’m going to make an attempt to keep this thing updated over the next couple of months. Lots of changes and more life-sucking job stories are sure to come!

L is for the way…

I’ve always wanted to fall in love.
Like head over heels, do anything for you, till death do us part love.

I always thought that it would be an instantaneous, lightning bolt moment when it happened, but I don’t think that that is how it is supposed to work anymore. I think that lust for sure happens that way; you can see a person and be instantly attracted to them. But love, real forever love, is something that you realize more slowly. You realize how important that person is to you, and how much you want to be with them. The thought of losing that person makes you feel sick, and heartbroken all at the same time. You want that person to know every mundane detail of your life, every time someone hurts your feelings, every time you give yourself a paper cut, every time something makes you happy. And you want them to care that it happened, and when you’re in real love, I think that they do care.

I don’t think that all of these feelings happen all at once, or to the same degree. I think that it is an eventuality, that you can be unsure about it, especially if you’ve never been in love before. All the feelings are new, and you start to wonder if this is what love feels like, or if this is just really really caring about someone, but still short of love.

I think that the first time you tell someone that you love them, it’s a huge step. Because what if you’re not actually? Those three words have become so important, in that particular situation, that they can change lives forever. They have been at the climax of more movies than I can imagine, and when I say them to someone finally, I want it to be for-sure, no-holds-bar forever love.

The Pace Slows Down

I guess its time to write again. I can finally breathe a bit, after a pretty nutty oh, 6 months or so. I don’t really feel like writing down everything that’s happened, so I’ll just say this, I’m just working, still single and looking forward to moving to Whitecourt (of all places!) to teach grade 7 in the fall. End of story.

What I have to do now is buy things. I’ve got so much stuff to buy to be able to live (admittedly comfortably). I’m a bit torn. Do I just get it all, and pay for it over the next year and a half or so? Or do I get things slowly and just live uncomfortably for a long time? I don’t know… Credit makes things really easy, but not guilt free. Should I feel guilty for getting stuff on credit?

In any case, I’ve compiled a list of stuff I need. Thankfully, I have a lot of kitchen and bedroom stuff already, but here is the list:

Bedroom: Bed (Queen), Frame (just plain metal), Night stand

Spare Room: Sewing machine table (one of those folding ones from Costco, probably)

Living Room: Couch, Loveseat or Chair, End Tables, TV, TV Stand

Kitchen: Table, Chairs, Microwave Stand (I have minimal counter space – my one complaint)

Bathroom: Shower Curtain

So, that is that. I’m really excited to be moving and to be on my own and to have space. It’s all very selfish, and I understand that. I love my current roommate, and I love my friends that I’m moving away from, I just feel like I’m finally an adult, in some ways. In others I still feel like I should be asking myself what the heck I am doing purchasing a sofa and loveseat. Isn’t that something that married people do?


Since marriage came up… which it seems to relatively frequently… I got an email from a girl who was in my last class at the U today. She is engaged. Now, I suppose that this is something that I should be happy about. I mean, good for her, she found “the one” and all that. Her and every other girl in my class. But what makes them so great that they’ve been able to find that guy? What’s wrong with me? (This seems to be a question that comes up relatively frequently as well.)

I know that there have been a few guys in my life that have liked me, but this hasn’t really made be feel better about myself, because compliments from them usually end up with me either questioning their sanity, or asking what is wrong with all of the guys who I could date, because usually the ones that like me are off-limits for one reason or another.



I feel like my life is sort of on hold right now, until I move. I need to be going into this summer full of expectations and fun-ness, but part of me just wants it to be over so that I can start the next part of my life. I’m just in limbo again, sort of waiting to be able to move, and buy things, and all of that. And everyone is telling me to wait, and I just want to keep moving but I can’t. It’s so frustrating. I know that I need to relax and enjoy life right now, and focus on today and all of that, but my whole life is geared towards my future right now, and so I can’t.

Christian guys and CDL

I was talking to a couple of friends last night about dating. Christian dating in particular. Through this conversation I began to realize that, as girls, we (and Christian dating literature – I will call it CDL) have been really hard on guys. CDL, in general, goes something like this: Dating around is bad. It’s bad too start “dating” someone that you don’t know very well, so you should become friends with lots of people from the opposite sex and then pick one (and only one) to “court.” (and yes, we have reverted back to the 17th century) CDL puts so much pressure on guys, because according to CDL girls are only looking for the one guy that they will be married to for the rest of their lives.

I don’t think I’ve been completely incorrect in my little rantings about Christian guys, but this recent conversation has put things into perspective. No wonder Christian guys aren’t jumping at the chance to date. Even pretty and fun Christian girls must be looking for their soul mate, according to CDL, and so if a guy can’t be completely sure that she is the girl that he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he isn’t going to ask her out. NO WONDER Christian guys aren’t jumping at the chance to date! I wouldn’t be either.

So, to Christian guys on behalf of my mixed up sex: sorry. Not all of us are looking for our soul mate on the first date, and please don’t write me off because you’re worried that I am.

Have a good one! Gotta go mark now… love the life of a teacher…

The best thing I've read in a long time.

This little article is enough to finally convince me to read Harry Potter. I have a deep respect for anyone who can put the state of females in Hollywood and throughout the world so succinctly. Genius…

From msn entertainment:

JK Rowling loves Pink, slams "talking toothpick" role models

JK Rowling has confessed that she's a fan of Pink's new song, 'Stupid Girls.' Rowling, who created the wonderful wizarding world of Harry Potter, has dubbed 'Stupid Girls' as "the antidote-anthem for everything I had been thinking about women and thinness."

"'Stupid Girls' satirizes the talking toothpicks held up to girls as role models," said Rowling. "Those celebrities whose greatest achievement is unchipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs."

Hollywood's so-called role-models are of special concern to Rowling who has two daughters, Jessica, 12, and one-year-old Mackenzie. "I don't want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones," Rowling said. "I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny, a thousand things, before 'thin'."

See what I mean? Awesome...

The significance of 4 weeks

First of all, I’m sorry its been so long since I updated this thing. I’m in the middle of practicum – ’nuff said.

In 4 weeks a lot of things end. My life as a student, a major part of my “definition of me” for the last 19 years, will be done. My bachelor of education will be done. My post secondary education will be done. My practicum will be done. I can honestly say that life as I know it will be over.

Its actually a bit sad, really. The one thing that I’ve been good at, pretty steadily, throughout my entire life, will be the one thing I’m losing. It’s a bit of a security blanket I suppose. I don’t have a boyfriend, I’m not really athletic, I’m not exceptionally beautiful (Oh, Jo – your one true beauty! – name that movie), but I’ve always had my academic ability. I had better be a freaking awesome teacher to make up for it! Teaching has actually worked out pretty well for me so far, so I’ll keep working (and keep my fingers crossed) and see how it all works out.

There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now. I don’t really deal well with unknowns … my inner control freak doesn’t allow for a lot of out-of-my-control things in my life without being bothered. It’s a bit annoying really, I wish someone would just tell me what is in store. There is supposed to be some excitement and hope involved in this “trying to find a job” part of my life, and some people really get off on the future possibilities of their life. I’m generally not one of those people. I like order and planning and lists. I’m one of those people who books trips months in advance, and registers for classes the first day I’m allowed to, to minimize the risk that I won’t get into a class that I want or need to take.

Anyways, God has become more important all of a sudden … trusting him means a lot more when there really is no other choice.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about spiritual stuff … to be vague … I don’t think I’ll talk about it all today. Maybe in another blog later (like 4 weeks from now when I can breathe) and maybe never. We’ll see. Its just on my mind.

Snow and Fast Friends

I figure now is as good a time as any to update this lonely blog. Life has been nuts lately, and so finding time to type random thoughts has been rare. If something worth writing has happened, then usually its one of those personal journal things, and not something I want publicly broadcasted.

Its been snowing all day long. I woke up at 7ish I think, and I started a fire, even though my apartment is a billion degrees all the time, and there is no need for a fire. It was just one of those days that requires a fire in the fireplace. Ambiance or whatever…

I love the snow. I love watching it, I love walking in it, I love the way it feels, and the way it makes everything white for a moment. This dirty world seems clean for a couple of minutes, until someone drives by. Today, I’m going to focus on the greatness of snow, and forget the fact that tomorrow, when everyone has been driving on it for a bit, and the road has warmed up and re-frozen, it will be really annoying to drive anywhere.

In any case, its snowing, there is a fire in my fireplace (which I’ve recently let go out), Norah Jones is playing on my computer, and my roommate is sleeping on the chair in the corner. Its actually quite a relaxing day, considering the amount of work I’ve actually managed to complete. I think that the key to getting work done on Saturdays (aside from the fact that it was pretty much under threat of death) is to get up close to the same time that you normally get up. That way, your body thinks that its got to be normal all day, and its not automatically in Saturday mode.

I’ve been sitting on my couch marking all day. Literally. I took a little break to eat a sandwich for lunch and talk to mom on the phone, but otherwise I have been using the red pen since about 8 this morning. 8 HOURS of marking. Crazy. But I’m done! I think I’m going to get out of the house for a few minutes and return some movies, and run to the store. I always feel like there’s nothing here to eat. That isn’t really true at all, but I just don’t feel like eating anything we have. And we have no snacks. (Besides vegetables, and those only count as snacks on week-days).

When I get home tonight I’m going to start planning for this week. Its another busy week. There is always a lot to get accomplished, and therefore a lot for me to prepare for. I have to teach people stuff. I teach them things, and a few of them will know these things forever. Because I taught them. Now THAT is a crazy thought.

On a completely different note, I have been thinking about myself lately. (Ha ha… I guess that thinking of myself is pretty common, considering that I’m pretty much the most important person in my life – just like everyone else is the most important person in their own life). What I mean is, I’ve been thinking about my personality, and how I come across to people. There are people in life who I meet and never really “click” with. Not that we’re not nice acquaintances or anything, but there is an unspoken mutual understanding that when our paths diverge we probably won’t spend any time thinking of one another. There are also people that I spend enough time with because of mutual friends, that I eventually become friends with, and I know I will be their friend for a long long time, but not because we instantaneously shared a mutual lightning bolt. Then there are also people in life who I immediately bond with. After a few minutes its as if we’ve known each other forever. People who don’t know that we’ve just met will ask how we know one another. Not only does it seem like we are long lost friends to ourselves, but also to people who see us interact. It’s the strangest thing, and it doesn’t happen with all people, just a few. I’m not sure if this phenomenon is unique to me; I doubt it. But in any case, in the last couple of weeks its happened with 2 people that I can think of specifically, and its quite amazing.

Those are some thoughts from today. I’ll spare you the feelings of being overwhelmed, completely stressed out, and in-over-my-head. My 15 minutes are up, I think I need to leave my apartment for the first time today.

Oh, where to start

Sometimes I think the hardest thing to do is start. Usually, but not always, once you’ve started, actually doing the thing you’ve started is relatively easy. It’s the beginning that is the problem. As I am thinking about this new little philosophy of mine, I think that it can be applied to almost any area of life.

Relationships: Pretty self-explanatory. Coming from someone who’s had 1 – that’s right -1 (come on, are you really that surprised?) real relationship, I know that that first step out of the whole “comfort zone of friends” is the most complicated, and the scariest. (hold on, I need to go get a cup of tea)… Alright. (oh, crap. Just realized I put a tea bag in the mug, went to have a sip, and there was no water added.) Ahhhh. (much better). OK, back to the topic at hand. Starting a relationship. Virtually impossible. In fact, I’m pretty surprised that anyone is married. My problem is not that I’m “not easy to talk to” or that I’m “just not hot enough.” Its that I’m “friend” material. I’m every guy’s easy-to-talk-to pal type. I’m not the “girlfriend” type. I don’t know why, but this has been the way of it my whole life. I don’t ever get past the “friend” stage with guys. Ok, next topic.

Jobs: Interviews are the worst part of a job often, especially if you are unemployed and you’ll do the job regardless of what it is. If, by some chance, you do get hired, the first day is usually nerve-wracking hell.

Being alive: Ask your mom. She’ll tell you how much fun the first moments of your life were.

The start of being single again: When you get to start over as a “singleton” it is not necessarily the end of the relationship that is bad (don’t get me wrong, in some cases, that heartache is virtually unbearable – but I don't know about this as much) but often it is the telling people you’re single, having them say “I’m so sorry” or “oh, that jerk, I knew he was no good” or (and this is my personal favorite) “I told you so” that is worse than the actual break up. The whole “face the music” part.

The start of the day: Again, pretty self explanatory.

Car-related: 1. The first day behind the wheel is definitely the hardest part of the whole driving experience. 2. Starting the car itself, especially if it’s freezing cold outside, is often the hardest part of the whole “car-running” experience.

And today’s example – and the reason for this blog?

Starting homework on Saturday. I have SO much planning to do for Monday (and well, the next 8 weeks, lets be honest.) Starting that process has been impossible today. I got up, started laundry (not so hard, doesn’t fit the analogy – I love doing laundry), went to Walmart with Erica, ate pizza, watched Elizabethtown (not nearly as bad as everyone says, and possibly the best soundtrack of the year, if the music on the movie is actually on the soundtrack), and now I’m here, still procrastinating. Its like climing a mountain, only I know that even if I do reach the top, going down the other side is going to be really hard too. Possibly cliff-like.

A little change

Yesterday was a fun day (but Sundays in my life generally are, so this was no big surprise). It was a day of general relaxing after church, and a nice little rest after a fun busy weekend with a friend from home. I also hung out a bit with some people that I don’t normally hang out with. I don’t not like this group, I just generally accept that they’re a bit cooler than me, and we sort of hang out in different circles that just occasionally cross paths (and now I have a whole mathematical explanation of why people cross paths in certain ways thanks to Rob). In any case… different groups are always a bit of an adventure. You never really know what to expect. In fact, I think this was the first time I’ve actually hung out with this particular group without the comfort of my own group to fall back on.

I should probably clarify a few things right about now, because I’m realizing that I’m explaining this group as if they are quite intimidating.. In reality, I know that each person in this group happens to be very nice, and I knew before I agreed to hang out with this group that I wasn’t going to be ostracized and teased or anything. Its just a little change from the ordinary for me. I have a group of really amazing loyal friends who I do almost everything with. Hanging out with a new group means that I’m not necessarily totally in my own comfort zone, which raises certain questions about myself, and my ability to adapt to new group dynamics.

Ok, well the end of the story is that I had a great time, and I’m very thankful for all of my friends, my tight little group, and everyone else that might cross my path along the way…

Now, on my final day off before 9 weeks of practicum, its time for me to catch up on some reading and go over the curriculum I’ll be teaching.

We think too much

People in general, I mean. Some think more than others, but we're all sort of thinking and analyzing all the time, even if we aren't consciously aware of it.
Here are some examples:

Girls who nobody thinks ever think: “Oh my gosh, like, did he just look at me? Was he looking at me because of my totally cute new haircut, or do I have something in my teeth? Is my make-up absolutely perfect, because if it isn’t, like, its totally the end of the world, and no boys will ever like me… oh, my gosh, is that store having a shoe sale?”

Girls who know they think to much: “That guy would never have looked at me. Or, maybe he was, but it was because this new haircut is so bad. Do I have something in my teeth? Oh, I’m such an idiot. As if he would be looking at me for any other reason. Great. that store is having a sale. Oh well. I can’t afford new shoes anyways. And like it would matter, I don’t need new shoes.”

I’m not going to try and do the inner monologue thing for guys. Guys say girls are complicated, and admittedly we are. But ya’ll are no picnic either. Sometimes I think it would be simpler to just wear signs that would change depending on who we’re talking to. More examples:

To the really intimidating girl in your class who knows everything: “You intimidate me. Please stop talking before I throw up on you because I’m nervous and don’t want to say something that you will immediately correct.”

To the guy who you are sort of interested in but don’t know well at all: “You’re nice. In fact, I like it that we talk sometimes, but honestly I’m afraid of starting something because I’m awkward and pretty much terrified of ruining something right off the bat.”

To the girl who is later dating that guy: “I hate you.”

To the guy when the girl dumps him: “I can’t ask you for coffee, because I’m sure it would come out as “coffee?” and some other mumbling and you would think that I was offering you some, and then I would have to go pour you some.”

To the girl who seems to know the right thing to say in every situation, but is never “interested” in any of the 350 guys who want to marry her: “What is wrong with you? Ok, well whatever, could you please send one of your cast-offs my way?”

Ha ha. Ok, that’s enough. It’s actually pretty fun pretending that you can actually say what you think to everyone you know, but you know you never really can. If everyone said what they thought of everyone else at any given moment hell would break loose. Ok, actually here is what might happen:

To the girl who doesn’t think anyone ever looks at her from the guy across the class: “You sort of intimidate me, but I think you’re really pretty. Do you think maybe…”

To the girl who thinks everyone is always looking at her from me: “Get over yourself. Now, what exercise regime do you use…”

To the guy who all the girls want from me: “Get over yourself. … coffee?...”

Alright, enough role playing for now.

What this ended up being was more an “I wish people would just be more honest and less confusing” sort of thing.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is Valentines Day.

I had a date (ok, a blind date) on Valentines Day once. I was 18 or 19, and he was a couple years older and a fireman. He showed up at the restaurant with a flower, and then we saw Collateral Damage (Arnold Schwarzenegger). It wasn’t the worst date I’ve ever been on, but nothing ever came of it. I think he moved to Vancouver a couple of weeks later. (Not because of me I hope.) That date was the only semi-romantic thing I’ve ever done on Valentines day.

You know something? I didn’t even hope that I would have someone to spend Valentines with this year. I’ve been busy with school and stuff, and it sort of crept up on me. It’s the first year that I actually didn’t think about it. (until now, that is) That sort of makes me sad. Because if I hope, then I at least have enough faith that something good like that might happen for me. I just realized, though, that I didn’t even hope for that. Have I completely given up on myself? Have I actually reached the point where I am so hopeless that I didn’t even think about a date until the day before?

I suppose now is the time where I slip into self-pity and start whining. So, here it goes… What IS wrong with me? I just don’t really get it.

Ok, that’s all I can come up with. I’m sad again.

I just talked to mom. She said that I shouldn’t be sad, and that I had a good life, and that I was focusing on my career. I don’t want to be a “career woman” on Valentines Day. I at least deserve a “fall back” don’t I? Like a really good guy friend (see previous post for my beliefs on platonic relationships… possible or not?) who will take me out for a movie or something. I want a day when I don’t have to use the “busy-with-school” excuse.

I want to be important to someone. (and sorry, Rosie, you don’t qualify. This time it needs to be someone of the opposite sex…)

Oh, I don't know.

I’m listening to “What Sarah Said” by Death Cab for Cutie. Its one of those amazing songs that makes you happy and sad at the same time. Mellow, but beautiful. It makes you brave somehow. I don’t know how to explain it.

I feel like I’ve been floating lately. I don’t know. I’m just in one of those moods I think. Where you don’t know what you really feel. Numb. So much to do, time crunch, as usual, and a complete lack of motivation. Just postponing the inevitable.

Relationships are tricky things. They start of like a dance. You sort of toy with each other, neither one of you wanting to admit to the other that you like the other, because there is a threat that the other does not feel the same way about you that you do about them. So, you make careful steps until one of a few things happens. You end up permanently platonic, one person finally breaks and admits what they want, and then either the other feels the same way, doesn’t know what the heck they think, or does not feel the same way at all. I’m tired of having crushes on people. I’m tired of waiting around. I’m tired of the dance. Its like a competition between insecurities, with the person who is the least insecure finally breaking down and stepping out on a limb. Ideally for me, this would be the guy, considering that my insecurities sometimes seem impossible to overcome. ha ha

I’ve realized something about my parents lately. I’m my mothers daughter. I’ve always thought that I was just like my dad, and I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, and I always will be. But recently I’ve realized how hilarious my mom is. She’s totally insane (in a good way) and any insanity and crazy-funn-ness in me is from her. Not that Dad is boring by any means. This is hard to explain. You’d need to know my mom to know what I mean. I’m still opinionated and hard-headed, like dad, but there is so much in me from my mom.

I used to think that I couldn’t be more different from mom. She was the perfect Suzy-housewife, and I’d be lucky to ever get married with my cooking skills. (FYI, I’m actually not bad at cooking, and I know how to clean and do laundry, so I’m not that bad of a catch! ha ha). Mom was always busy being an amazing mom, and I was studying and being a stubborn semi-feminist. Anyways, I always thought that my sister-in-law was much more like my mom than I was, and this bugged me. She, too, is an amazing wife, mother, and homemaker, and it is really intimidating. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately though, for some reason, and this is my conclusion: My mom is a perfect “housewife” but she’s so much more. She’s so … dynamic and amazing. If I’m half the woman my mom is someday… wow.

I’ll always be daddy’s girl, but I’m my mother’s daughter too. It’s a fun thing to realize.

Thoughts on Saturday

I can't do homework on Saturday. I can't do much else either, but there is just something inside me that rebels at the suggestion of being productive on Saturday. Saturday's are meant for sleeping in, relaxing, and in my case, feeling slightly “off” all day. It’s not a normal day, and my body knows it.

So, in light of the fact that I’m not doing any homework, what is filling my day today? Well, I watched “Love Actually,” which I’ve seen once before. It was definitely better the second time. There is one slightly disturbing story line, but also some really incredible ones, and as a movie about love, generally it is amazing. Not that I believe that love is what it is in the movies, but if the movie's message is supposed to be that love is defined differently depending on the relationship, and if the movie is supposed to make you want to find love, then it achieves it's objectives.

What do I know about love though? I’ve never been in love, but I thought that maybe I was once, a few years ago. There are just those people in life who, if they said, “marry me tomorrow, or never” you would marry them tomorrow. I’m a relatively practical sort of person, and based on his history, and how well I know him, I would probably say “sure, let’s do it.” I thought I might love one of those people once, but that was a long time ago, and he’s most definitely moved on, and so have I, honestly. Just sometimes you wonder.

After the movie was finished a friend came over to fix my computer. Yay for friends who are willing to help you, and expect food in return. Food I can do. Money is another issue completely. And now what? I’m going to go pour myself another cup of coffee, and maybe check what’s on TV.

I’ve done a lot of thinking lately (but that’s pretty standard, with an over-analyzer such as me). I have a problem with saying stuff that is not necessarily the most thoughtful or sensitive to the given situation, whatever it might be. Depending on the medium of communication, sometimes I can keep myself in check, but occasionally forethought slips away and I stick my foot in my mouth look like an idiot, and then live to regret it. I hate it that it’s so easy to hurt people, even without meaning to, when there are no bad intentions. It doesn’t change the outcome though. At least I have friends that will call me on it. I don’t think that I’m nearly as bad as I was in high school, so I guess baby steps are the way to go. Hopefully I don’t distance myself from too many people in the mean time. There are always things to work on, regardless of personality; this is just one of mine.

Another thing I’ve been thinking. I hate application forms. Particularly the “hobbies” section. I don’t really have hobbies, I’m not one of those super-athletic, team-sport type of people, and I’m not crafty enough to call “scrap-booking” a hobby, nor am I culinary enough to say that I “love spending time in the kitchen,” or anything like that. I don’t write enough, or well enough to say that I’m an “aspiring writer.” What do I do in my spare time, outside of school? Nap, watch TV, run errands, keep myself alive, just do life. The problem is that I’m not so inclined towards one particular area to a large enough extent that it can be considered a “hobby” in my opinion. Am I really that uninteresting?

Well enough deep (or shallow) reflection for today, maybe I’ll do a little reading. Reading is good, and it isn’t watching TV, so I don’t feel so guilty about it.

Theories etc.

So, now that I have a new desk chair that looks a bit like (but isn't) black leather, I'm feeling a bit more official and possibly a tad smarter. In reality I'm just more comfortable than I was before. So, time for another abstract essay about the opposite sex.

I've come up with a theory about single Christian girls. I still agree with it a few weeks later, so I guess this is it. If you meet a single Christian girl, she's single for one of three reasons:

1. There is something really physically/emotionally/etc. wrong with her.
2. She honestly doesn’t want to be seeing someone.
3. She is one of many who does want to date but for some reason unbeknownst to her or anyone else barring God, she hasn’t discovered her soul-mate yet.

Now I would like to believe that number 1 doesn't apply to me most of the time, and as much as I would like to be a rock and be perfectly happy as a single girl, I know that that isn't true, so I'm basically a number 3, along with probably 97% of the other single Christian girls I know.

I was just talking to a friend of mine, and we were talking about the strange desire that many girls have just to be wanted by someone of the opposite sex, even if we aren't actually interested in them in return. Often, especially before you have ever been in a relationship, there is a desire just to be able to say "no, thankyou" because you just want to feel like someone thought you were worth persuing. You just want someone to think that you are good enough to be asked for your number. Its not some sadistic desire to have control or power to hold over guys, just the innate desire to be desired. (As a side note, it doesn't feel good to say no to someone, but the basic ability to be ABLE to say no far outweighs this issue in most cases).

This friend of mine also came up with the concept of the "that girl," and I'm going to steal this concept just for this blog. If I ever write a book, I'll credit her for sure with the idea. Every "girl group" has a "that girl." That girl is the girl that will get 85% of the attention if the girl group is faced with interacting with a boy group. She is the one that has experience saying "no" to guys, and she's the one that every guy her age and younger (and sometimes older) wants to take on a date. I had a friend like this in my high school youth group. She finally agreed to go to the movies with my little brother and the guys in the youth group idolized him for a while. Nothing came of it, but that is completely beside the point. The point is that she was the "that girl" of the youth group. Guys want to date her, girls want to be her, and no one, but her, knows what its really like to have her life. I was never a "that girl."

I was also talking to another friend, this time a guy, about the trouble with dating in church. There is a definite stigma surrounding the "in church relationship." In his words, "I think in the alliance (the denomination he currently attends, but basically, fill in any that you might attend) if you walk into the service together, then it must be pretty serious, and if you actually put your arm around someone, you may as well be engaged already. It might be a weak excuse for all the church-going fellas out there, but who can blame them for not being ready for that kind of commitment, in front of hundreds of judgemental people...?"

Now I see this guys point, and have yet to respond to his email, and I was talking to my roommate about it, and we think he might be on to something. When we hear about a new couple that is dating in the church, there is an immediate conclusion reached that they will probably get married, and they must be very serious already. If they are willing to hold hands in front of 200+ sets of eyes that will discuss them over Sunday lunch, then they have courage beyond most. The thing that I like about this whole situation is that it relied on the guy taking the first step. Most guys would say that they don't mind girls doing the persuing, but the problem with that is if the girl is the persuer then she lives with the lifelong question: "did I somehow manipulate this guy into liking me?" Even though he might claim complete and utter devotion to her, there is still an inkling of suspicion that if she hadn't acted, then he would have NEVER acted. That is not something that I want to live with. I don't think that girls are built for that, and I don't think guys should have to be persued. It might be too much to ask for some guy to actually step out on a limb on the chance that it might break off if he takes one more step, but I'm ok with that. I guess thats maybe one of the reasons that I'm still single. I'm not desperate enought to do the work. I want to feel valuable enough for someone to take a chance.

To all single Christian girls: I'm proud of you. Wait. I hate it, and it sucks, but if you want someone who wants you, no holds bar, and you don't want to worry about the "what if's" then keep it up. Waiting sucks, but the alternative is lifelong wonder, so in my mind waiting is worth it.

Now the disclaimer: don't sit at home waiting in a dark corner. If you are non-existant then there is nothing to be persued in the first place. Unless you are actually available then you can't blame guys for not having any guts.

Ok, thats enough for today. I have to go get a massage now.

3 Crazy Weeks.

I was going to wait until I got back from Grande Prairie before I updated this thing, due to the dial up connection that my parents have out here. But a bit of prodding from the one person who reads my blog made me think otherwise. Its been a good, but busy, holiday. Much busier than I expected, anyways.

Here’s the rundown:
16th - got home
17th - dinner with Dan, Alician and James
18th - Davis’s for dinner, cousin Rachel has baby Leilah
19th - went to gym with mom and Karin, Shop till I drop for Christmas
20th - Finish Shopping, 1st day woke up with no headache. (since last week sometime)
21st - Bake!!
22nd - keep baking, see Narnia with Dad, Mom, Tannis
23rd - I forget. I was awfully tired by then.
24th - prep for Christmas dinner/day. Mom cuts hand open, goes to hospital with Dad, I make Christmas dinner. Insanity.
25th - Christmas! Fun, Crazy, Food was great, hallelujah!
26th - Boxing Day - Dan, Alician, James come out for day. Charity at home still, yay!
27th - No recollection of this day. I think it was relatively relaxing
28th - Massage. Ahhhhh
29th - Coffee with Edie and Jen
30th - Skiing at Powder King with Dad and Dan. Possibly best day of my Holiday. SO much fun. Only fell 3 times.
31st - See King Kong with Dan, Alician, Matt. Good fun movie - had splitting headache by end, due to sitting in same position for three hours with sore muscles from wiping out on 30th. Went home. Took drugs, slept, got up, hung out with parents and friends for new years.
1st - New Years Day - Church, Dan, Alician, James visit, play monopoly - fun!
2nd - Start organizing family pics from last 30 years. Hang out with Erin and Aaron, Go to Moxies and "Cheaper By the Dozen 2" with Tannis. Decide on Trip through states this summer. YAY!
3rd - Lunch with Grandma and Grandpa, keep organizing pics, dinner with Michael and Miriam.
4th - Lunch with Melissa, pictures
5th - pictures, Rachel’s baby shower for Leilah.
6th - so far, pictures, hopefully Charity will come out for the evening.

That’s it so far. I’m coming back to Sherwood Park on the 8th in the afternoon, and then my last semester of school starts. Profound thoughts on school? Nope. I can’t wait to be done. This semester will be crazy, I’ll be glad when its over, and then I’m going to go to Disneyland (literally - and the Oregon Coast, and the Redwood Forest, and the Grand Canyon, and possibly the Celine Dion show in Las Vegas. Yay Tannis!)

I definitely have not lost any weight this Christmas Holiday. Eating out, and eating so much so often does not lend itself well to "dieting." That will start on the 9th. Maybe.

I have read a few books while I’ve been home. I read the Princess Bride, which a friend gave me like 2 or so years ago. I had never had the time to read it, so that was nice. I am also about ½ way through "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" which is the 3rd book in the Chronicles of Narnia. My 9 year old cousin is on the 5th book - go Gabrielle!

In any case, I would like to stay here and deny real life for another week or two, but that’s not going to happen. So I’ll see most of you in the next week or so, and say goodbye to a few.

See ya’ll later - Merry Christmas, all the best in 2006!