Not so bad

Recently, my life has seemed upside down and complicated on the inside, but relatively serene (well, as serene as I get) on the outside. Tonight it doesn't seem so funny. Tonight it seems more ahhhhhh. Like I can breathe, and I don't have to think about the implications in taking that breath. Its nice, what can I say? I'm going to get up, and take a nice walk in the morning, and life will be positive, though still relatively complicated.

Its a matter of choice, you see. I can choose to be discouraged and frustrated about things I can't really control (which is most of the time), or I can choose to be content, and keep moving forward in life, regardless of the twists and turns that happen. And I'm going to choose the latter. I can decide, I think, to accept that God has made me who I am, and that He has allowed things to happen in my life that don't always make sense. Because if strange things that I might not be able to handle on my own happen, well, we have a great God, and He is so able to handle everything. So this is me, giving my troubles to God, yet again.

Changes

Well, things have changed, as they have a tendancy to do. And this was no simple change, but one of those complicated, where do I go from here types. Not that anything has actually changed on the outside. In fact, the changes are the kind that I can't even really talk about except to a few people, who know me very very well. And I'm not even that good at keeping secrets! So far, like 3 people know, 4 if you count the person who caused the changes, and I guess 5 if you count me.

I guess the changes are the kind that affect you inside. My life looks the same, but it really isn't. You see, the thing that changed is something that happens so rarely for me, that I am going to rememeber it for a long long time. In fact, I can count the number of times this has happened to me in any significant way on one hand. And then ususally I just remember it, and my life goes back to "normal" which isn't interesting or fun, but it is less to think about.

I guess its kinda fun having a tiny bit of a soap opera myself, instead of living my life vicariously through my friends, who usually have much more interesting stories. And the attention isn't bad either. It's just the constant thinking that is strange. Usually I can get stuff off my mind pretty quick, but, like I said, this sort of thing doesn't happen often, and therefore has more of a tendancy to stick with me. And its the kind of thing I want to keep a secret, which I'm bad at, because I'm self-involved and like talking about my life. Which is basically why this blog works so well, if a bit cryptically, at least for tonight.

Some Advice

So, I've been thinking about guys, and what I would say to them if I could be really really honest with them. And this is what I came up with:

If you want a girl to like you, treat her like a million bucks.

Make her believe that she is the only person capable of making you feel the way you feel about her. Don't just buy stuff for her all the time, or say how pretty she is. Just act like it. Complements and material possesions are great, but if girls don't know by your actions how valuable they are to you then all the praise in the world means nothing.

If a guy made me feel like I was so special to him, and so important to him, that his life would never be the same without me, it would be very very hard for me to turn him down. Girls just want to feel like they are important to someone.

That's it. Pretty simple.

Girlfriends and Country Music

There is one thing that really annoys me. It annoys me beyond belief. It annoys me because it is my nemesis: the one enemy I can never escape. This is that thing: every single guy who I have ever seriously liked (and most that I have maybe-sort-of liked) has had a girlfriend. I suppose it could mean that I like decent guys, I mean, they were at least good enough to get some girl to like them back. It makes no difference to me though, because I am NOT that girl. Ever. This is (lamely) one of my biggest annoyances in life. I guess I just figure that I am not that terrible, and if I am even pretty normal then why is there no available guys who it makes sense to date? Aside from a few guys in my past, a couple that were actually pretty great, I don't even get asked out. What could be that wrong with me? I wish someone would just tell me, and then I could fix it. Nothing like posting your insecurities on the internet, huh?

I suppose that is why Country music was invented. It makes you feel like dancing when you know you are about to cry, and it lets you cry when you really need to. Its never angry or yelling, and you never turn it off more mad than when you started listening to it. In the house that I grew up in, there was Christian music, and next best was Country. Rock, Punk, and Dance were, for the most part, bad and worldly. But not Country. It was the music of God's country. It has changed a bit since then, but to me, it's still completely necessary. I guess I'm thankful that I did grow up in a place where it wasn't "uncool" to listen to country, because no matter what anyone says, I'm still going to like it.

Country music was invented for girls like me. Girls with bad luck, who need help sometimes, and would rather die than pay someone to tell them they are unbalanced. Girls like me who have more insecurities than people know, but who sometimes just need to let go.

My worry is that I'm actually the only girl that thinks this way. Maybe I am not a girl that guys even contemplate dating. Maybe its NOT just that I'm not easy, or that I'm a little bit fat, or even that I'm intimidating. Maybe it's something much bigger and deeper, something that is so very wrong with me that my inner soul doesn't even know it. Thats what really scares me.

That's my little rant for the night. To summarize: why are there no good single guys, thank goodness for country music, and could it be that I am inherently undatable?

Fun Days and Bad Moods

What an interesting day it has been. I have been at a seminar for work for the last 2 days. I have a great job that I really can't tell anyone about in any detail. I'm not like CIA or something (but wouldn't that be cool?) but it would sort of be a conflict of interest I suppose. And, as this thing is semi-public, I probably shouldn't elabourate. Not that it would actually matter, because the only people who check this know what it is I do anyways.

Anyways, I saw the Queen in person yesterday, and I was probably within 4 or 5 feet of her. She even looked at me and I smiled. I met so many different people, who I talk to on the phone all the time, so it was great to put faces to phone numbers. This morning I went to a few lectures and stuff and then a few of us went to the Olive Garden and Ikea this afternoon. I bought a new desk organizer type thingy, and new hangers and a new lawn-lounger thing as well. Boy, I am not good at describing them. Unfortunately, just saying the name of what I bought isn't going to help, because all the merchandise at Ikea has names that don't make sense in english, like FIRA and MACKIS. In any case, I'm happy with my new purchases, and now my desk looks much prettier.

Unfortunately, I'm in a bad mood also. It is lame, but I had my feelings hurt by a couple friends, and I'm sucky at confrontation, so when I did talk to one of them I cried, because thats my natural reaction when under almost any type of stress. You might say, she is just a girl, that's what all girls do, but I honestly didn't used to be like this. Admittedly, I could never watch a movie without crying (even StarWars episode 6, embarrasingly enough). However, in normal conversation, and especially when I'm mad at someone, I used to be able to be stern and even yell when necessary, and stay completely angry. Now I have absolutely no control, and I just lose it. I'm a complete basket case. I wonder if perhaps I need professional help - ha ha.

So, if you were me, what would you do if you were in a bad mood? Well, write about it of course, and then post it on a website for everyone you know to read. Because that will help the situation- really. Somehow, writing is cathartic for me though. And maybe I shouldn't be posting these sorts of things for my friends to read, but maybe its ok, becuase that way I don't have to tell them what I'm really feeling, and they can know anyway. Writing on this website seems to happen when I'm tired, frustrated, sad or just mellow. Possibly not the best times to be writing, considering my reputation for happiness and perkyness, but whatever. I'm sure my lovely reputation will live, regardless of this posting.

Whyte and Boys

What do frisbees, Whyte Ave, harmonicas and Vanilla Bean Lattes all have in common? They were all part of my evening. It was fun to play frisbee, but then we went to Whyte and then it wasn't so much fun at first, and then it was just interesting. All sorts of people trying to impress other people, mostly by what they look like. I feel sorry for these people, because they think that their value lies in what other people think of them. I don't think I'm better (or any different on some days) but I'm glad that I have assurance that I'm important to someone, even when it doesn't really seem like it. Which brings me to my next point.

What is wrong with guys these days? (Ha ha, that sounds very male bashing and feminist.) Let me clarify. I love guys and I am not really a feminist at all. But, the question remains . . . what is wrong with them? I hang out with a group of girls who are all single. (minus one who is fly fishing with her boyfriend this weekend). Now, you might assume that my friends and I have something wrong with us, perhaps we are hermits, or mentally unbalanced (which actually may be possible, but it is pretty doubtfull), or maybe, just maybe we are all oddly shaped or (*gasp*) ugly. The thing is, we really aren't. Now I am no supermodel, that is for sure, however I don't think that I'm the strangest looking person on the planet either. As for the rest of my friends, even discounting me and my singleness, they are all very pretty and maybe a tad more normal than I.

So, therein lies the confusion. If we are all relatively normal, above-average looking girls, then why are we all unattached? It is not as if we have a sign blinking above our heads that says that we are unavailable. Its not even that we're just unattached. Its that aside from a few drunk guys on the street, we aren't getting asked out either. What has become of the male half of society? Are girls THAT intimidating as a group that it just isn't worth it to risk pride to find out if a girl likes a guy back? Are guys really just not "ready" to settle down until they are 30? Are there enough girls who make themselves blatantly available that quality guys don't have to do the work anymore?

I don't know. I don't want you to think that I am bitter or angry, just a bit sad and awfully confused. Where are the quality guys, and what has happened to them that they just aren't going for the quality girls?

CSI, OC and other Acronyms

Would I be lame enough to write about pop-culture television shows? Absolutely. I am nothing if not lame. (And addicted to several Thursday night shows). Thank goodness for finales. At least I can pretend that I am above television dramas and other emotion sucking stories that drag you into their lair through the powerful force I like to call . . . well, I don't actually have a name for it, I was just going to try and sound smart.

I suppose you could say I'm an emotional person (I didn't used to be - its a bit embarrasing now), or perhaps I have an addictive personality (which is why it is good I never started drinking heavily). Maybe that is why every year I say I will not get addicted to any shows, and why every year I end up with one or more that I must watch at least 3 nights of the week. This year it wasn't AS bad, but having a roommate that is possibly more TV addicted that I didn't help.

I wish I could be one of those people who "doesn't watch much tv" or "doesn't have time for it." I always wished I was an artsyish sort of person, who knew all the good new indie sort of bands, and all the neat grungy sort of coffee shops, but I'm not. As much as I hate it, I have to admit that I'm more than just a bit mainstream. Not only am I NOT artsy, but I don't play the guitar, I don't occasionally paint, and I (*gasp*) have a science degree. (I suppose it is to my benefit that I am not actually using it at this point in time). I also like a few bands I shouldn't I suppose, and I drink A LOT of Tim Hortons coffee. (Addictive personality + low on funds = necessity for cheap-but-decent coffee).

I should really sleep. I always end up writing these things at night when I'm tired and probably too honest. Oh, and by the way - CSI was intense, and I cried in The OC. Then I called Lindsay and discussed the implications of the end of the show - which I will not give away.

Split Personalities and other Disorders

Writing in these things is a bit strange. Almost selfish. I have decided to devote a whole space of information on the internet to me. Just me. What I do, what I think, what I feel. I guess that there is a choice people can make: to read or not to read, but regardless of their choice, this very space is still me.

I just finished reading a book. Well, a whole series actually. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, by Ann Brashares. I know, there is a movie coming out soon, so it it very cliche for me to be reading them right at this very moment. Oh, well. There really isn't a lot I can do about that. The fact is that I have read them (there are 3 books), and I loved them, and I sort of miss them now that I am done. Books to me are the great escape. They are a way to forget my flaws, my issues, my insecurities, and become someone different.

I normally find myself identifying with some character in the book. In these I really really wanted to identify with Bridget, and in some ways I suppose I did. She is outgoing, blonde, tall and talkative. However, she is also extremely athletic and completely fearless, of which I am neither. Who I am like at a deeper level is Carmen. She has a quick mouth that gets her in trouble, she feels things very deeply, maybe more deeply than most people know. Carmen will fight for what she wants and knows is right. She has a tendancy to be selfish though, and has two alter-ego's "Good-Carmen" and "Bad-Carmen." I have the same two personalities.

I can be good Hannah (which is the Hannah that most people know, and that many people think defines me). Good Hannah is perky, smiles, laughes, dances and flys. Good Hannah is Loud and Fun. Good Hannah is who I am in public most of the time, and at home some of the time. Good Hannah is who most people would write about if they were asked to write a paragraph on who I was.

The other part of me isn't Bad Hannah, as much as it is just Plain Hannah. Plain Hannah isn't fun and crazy and bouncing off the walls, she is the one that writes and thinks and walks. Plain Hannah sees creation and is amazed, but is quiet. Plain Hannah is the one that can sit in the car in silence, listening to road sounds and be settled. Most people don't know Plain Hannah, but I like her best. She is the one that my husband will fall in love with and who he will write about.

(There is also Bad Hannah - but she hides most of the time, and I am hoping that she goes away sometime). Ha ha.

Cities and Mountains

I just got back from a weekend in Calgary and Banff. I think that maybe I'll move there someday - Calgary I mean. What a beautiful drive home this evening! The sun was shining through the clouds, and the grass and trees are turning green, everything is finally alive again!

I saw my parents in Banff and they took me and Erica and Denise for lunch, and then on a carriage ride around the town. Our drivers name was Ron and he wore a cowboy hat, and we got a picture with him! (We took A LOT of pictures this weeked) The mountains amaze me. I mean, it's like these huge rocks just jutting out of the ground - like someone just pushed them up or something. I mean, they have no real reason, except to put people in awe of nature, and the Creator. There are so many other things that God could have put in their place, but he chose mountains. It really puts you in your place. Who am I to God, when he can make that? And yet, I am so important to him, so small and insignificant feeling sometimes. What a great God!

Anyways - the weekend was great - saw a couple of movies, ate some nachos, did some walking and hiking, had an ice cream cone, and thoroughly enjoyed the break. This week I'm going to have a Star Wars marathon with Erica. Oh, the excitement!

Coffeemakers and Headaches

I get migranes. Not the paralyze you-can't function-stay home from work kind, but the dull roar for the next two days kind. It will sort of lull, worsen, and then almost go away, and then come back with a vengance. Not the best part of my life, that's for sure. I'm actually typing this with one hand, so that I can hold ice up to my left temple.

I got to work this morning, and like I do every morning, I dumped the cold left over coffee from yesterday, poured water in the machine, added coffee grinds, and pushed the start button. Today there was a problem, though. I got to the "push the start button" part, and it wouldn't work. I mean, it wouldn't even move. I have no idea what is wrong, I jiggled just about every part of that machine, and nothing helped.

What does one do in this situation? She leaves work, gets into her car, drives to the nearest Tim Horton's and buys an extra large double double. Normally it would only be a large, but I felt as though I deserved a bit more for my trouble. Ah, crisis averted.

Random thoughts on life

So, I was sitting in Church this morning, and we took communion. It was about the time where you can pray with friends or family or whatever, and I was trying to think of prayer requests . . . when I realized that I had nothing to complain about. Usually prayer requests are things that are wrong in life, that I need help with. But I could not think of one. I am so content right now, its almost scary. I'm almost afraid that something terrible will happen to upset this amazing balance I have in life. I suppose that that would be ok though, because for one day, today, I am completely at peace. Its pretty sweet. I quit one of my jobs yesterday. I have a full time job now that classes are over and a very sporadic part time job.

I quit my part time, so that I could have all my weekends off this summer. I worked at a bookstore, which to me is just about the perfect job. I wasn't really happy with the way this particular bookstore was run though, and if I ever work at one again I want it to be a small one, with books that I pick, and a coffee shop that has no affiliation to Starbucks or the like. I want all the shelves to be made of dark solid wood, and I want to have many chairs and couches that are covered in a very dark soft warm fabric, and I want to know all of my customers by their first names. I realize that this sort of bookstore probably won't make any money, but I think that it will be more fulfilling than any other job I've ever had. I'm excited about it.

Enough babbling. I'm going to go finish reading a book I've read before, or maybe watch Life as a House. (a good movie - with a few too many f-words)