Major Events and Chairs

Now, I realize that two posts in one day is sort of overkill for me, but I have realized that there has been a major event in my life that I have not mentioned. I have noticed that I don’t really talk about what happens in my life, more just what I’m thinking about. This actual, tangible event, though, deserves a little recognition. Yesterday, I went school supply shopping. This event, usually taking place several weeks before I start a new school year, is the single most exciting shopping trip of the year. I have a deep love and affection for office supplies of all kinds. I am not biased towards one brand over another. Pencils, Pens, Erasers, PAPER, oh my! White-out, HIGHLIGHTERS, dividers, report covers…. It’s all so exciting!

For me, it’s better than buying clothing, food, technology, makeup, or jewelry. To open a new highlighter is to open up a whole world of possibilities. My favorite line in “You’ve Got Mail” is not at the end where Meg Ryan says that she had hoped it was Tom Hanks who was emailing her all along, it’s right at the beginning where he’s writing about New York in the fall, and how he’d send her a bouquet of pencils if he knew her address! A whole bouquet! Now, wouldn’t that be lovely! It would be better than flowers for me! School supplies are fresh, and they don’t go bad after a few days. They can last all year long!

What a joyful occasion in my life. Don’t get me wrong - I love shopping in general. I love new stuff, no matter what it is. Literally. I can buy a new bottle of Tylenol and be excited at the fullness of it, and the fact that I get to open the seal all by myself. I even love opening cans with a can opener, because whatever’s inside has never been seen before by any shopper. I love taking tags off new clothes, and assembling whatever I’ve recently acquired from Ikea. But there is nothing quite like school supplies.

I just thought I’d share that with everyone.

Also, I spun around on office chairs in Staples. You have to try them out. It’s just not right to walk by and leave them sitting there all alone.

Cliques and Geeks

Well, I guess the point of this blog has become a bit hazy. At first it was to keep people updated about what was happening in my life, and to give people a bit of a different perspective when it comes to me. Now it’s more of a journal type thing, which other people read. So, I feel like I need to update it not just to keep people up-to-date on my life activities, but also because I need an outlet. Strange that my outlet is this super-public website, barred to no one.

Today’s topic is going to be cliques, with maybe a few cryptic other-type thoughts thrown in.

Cliques are something that most girls in the world, including me, are intimately familiar with. I grew up in a church that was known as a “clique-y” church, and I was part of an almost impenetrable clique for most of junior high and high school. Cliques are nothing to complain about if you’re part of one. And I was, and I knew it. We weren’t mean to other people (ie. Girls) but we didn’t make any attempt to include other people in our “circle of friends.” We knew we were that way, and because we were content with how things were, we didn’t change anything. College changed things a bit, but I think that girls naturally form these super-close knit groups with each other. We are built for relationships with other people, so we like having the security of a “best friend” or a “clique.” Quite often there are even “cliques” within cliques that are only known to those who are part of them.

Cliques are also terrible things. When you aren’t part of them then you feel left out, lonely and confused, wondering what you can do to become part of it, or what you did to get left out of it. Girls in general (or maybe it’s just me) tend to have lower rather than higher self esteem. We say things like “It doesn’t matter to me that I’m not going” or “I don’t want to hang out with them anyways” and tell our best friends the truth, that we’re hurt and sad. Eventually what we say becomes truth though. We stop caring. We harden our hearts and what other people do or don’t invite us to doesn’t matter, or if it does, we barely feel it anymore. Sometimes the strength of women doesn’t come from their heart, it comes from being forced to deal with hard stuff, and therefore become hard themselves. This isn’t the way it should be, but this is the world, and this is life, we tell ourselves.

Cliques are about comfort if you’re in one. Cliques are about confusion if you’re not. And people are selfish, and oblivious, and I’m a cynic. So when it comes to changing this, I’ll watch out for myself, and try and be inclusive, but I have no faith in people realizing where they’re at themselves, and examining into their own hearts.

As far as my own life goes, recently, I’ve been content. Not in upheaval in my heart, and not worried. It’s been nice to have a bit of peace. Being single again is nice, honestly. Not because I get some sick pleasure from hurting guys, but because, for now, it’s where I need to be. The future is the future, and I’m deciding to rely on God for today and for whatever tomorrow holds.

I can’t believe it, but I’m actually excited to go back to school. Not because I hate work (I actually really like my job) but because it’s the beginning of the end of school, and because I’ve got some really good classes this fall. I’m taking a couple Anthropology classes about the cultures of Middle America and West Africa, as well as a history class that should cover the reformation and stuff that I’m interested in, and a religion class on early Christian writings! I’m so excited! I love options! I think I’m going to be one of those people who keep learning through their whole life – I think they call that geekiness. So I guess you can be clique-y and geeky.

Thinking about today...

I figure if I’m in front of a computer all day, it’s as good a time as any to update my blog. It’s been a while, and as usual, things have changed again. Not everything, but some things. I’m still as busy as ever, and I still feel like I need about a week off of life, but that’s not about to happen any time soon. I think I should plan a trip for next summer, and that will be the one big thing for me to look forward to. Maybe I’ll just drive, and see where I end up. I wish that I knew a lot more about cars, then I could go by myself, and not worry about breaking down, but at least I have AMA.

I need to become more spontaneous. If there is one thing I am NOT it is spontaneous. My life is planned, and I pretty much know what I’m doing for the next several years. This is not only due to my lack of spontaneity, but also due to a lack of money and the necessity to pay off student loans and other forms of debt I’ve incurred while my living expenses have been higher than my income.

I’m not really that spontaneous in relationships either. Which is why, though I might have jumped into one, it took me only 3 short weeks to jump back out. I don’t think I ended things with no reason, or even that starting this relationship was a complete mistake. There was just too much I was unsure about, and stuff that I couldn’t get over quite yet. Being in a relationship is fun, don’t get me wrong. Having someone who somehow thinks that you are worth hanging out with as much as possible, and who doesn’t see the worst in you isn’t something to complain about.

The thing is, my mind doesn’t usually just stay “in the moment.” My mind works pretty linearly – and so regarding time, I tend to think in the future. This isn’t always an asset when it comes to relationships, because this means that I think of the future in things when I’ve only been dating for a few days really, and if that future is hazy, I get scared. I’m not good at unknowns in life; I like control. So, in this case, I wasn’t sure about things, and I don’t like to put off the inevitable. I want to make sure what I’m doing is right, and not just hope that it will become right in the future.

It sucks, don’t get me wrong. Breaking up is not the easiest thing in the world to do; in fact, it’s probably one of the hardest. Breaking up with someone as great as the guy I broke up with is both much harder than your stereotypical break up (if there is there such a thing), and at the same time, much easier. On one hand, I knew that breaking up with this guy was the right thing for the time being, and that he would just take it and not be mad at me. I knew he would suck it up, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to argue with him to end things. On the other hand, it’s unbelievably hard to knowingly hurt someone who thinks the world of you, and who you think the world of. There are a lot of terrible things I would rather do than break up with someone who has never wanted less than the best for you.

That’s another thing. Nothing changed while we were dating. He didn’t do anything “wrong” to make me NEED to break up with him. I probably shouldn’t have started a relationship with him when I did, I should have waited till I was more sure of things in the first place, but I didn’t. And then I got to back track, which is a very hard thing to do.


I suppose I’m relatively content with where things are now. NOT being in a relationship but still being friends is tough, considering that some stuff becomes habit, but I think that we can handle it. As far as the future goes (there I go again – thinking in a line) who knows? There’s always hope that it will all work out, but for now, I need to concentrate on today (which seems to be pretty much impossible).