content

Tonight I know what the word content means. I'm not joyful, not happy. I'm not depressed or sad. I'm just quiet and ok with life. I don't remember the last time I said words. Maybe to my mom on the phone on the way home from work? No, to the guy at the video rental place. That must have been it. Weird. I haven't said anything since before 5:00. That's about 5 hours ago. How can I be such a hermit on Friday night? Its part of the small-town really-tired-teacher package. I'll go to the city and party-it-up next weekend, but for tonight, quietness is ok.

Being alone all the time sucks. There. The same thing I've been saying since I moved here. I hate it. I mean, I like the town, I like the few people I do know here, I like my students, and some of the people I work with, but I hate being alone. Just having someone in the next room watching the crappy Canadian stand-up that is on in the background would be nice. This isn't another pathetic plea for a boyfriend, its just a longing for companionship. I miss my friends, my life, being thought of and included in Friday night stuff. When you move away, you don't get called and invited out. (Hell, you don't even get called period.) My phone bill is retarded. And most of the calls are to my parents. I'm ok being lame, but it would be nice to have a break from it once in a while. Its great to have friends, and I know I have them, and I'm not worried or insecure in my relationships with them so that I would need a nightly call to remind me that I'm still their friend. We talk on msn and things are normal when I visit, but having verbal interaction is necessary, I think. You want to be able to convey emotion and inflection with more than an emoticon sometimes. I know that its expensive and that I'm long distance to everyone, but frick, how unimportant am I that I'm not even worth a few dollars and a couple minutes?

I should explain one thing though. My sister does call. We talk almost every day. And I don't always have to dial. And that means a lot. It would be nice though if my phone rang once in a while (not even every night) and it was just a friend. Like a reminder that I'm important to someone.

Ok, I've managed to slip from content to depressed again. List of things that are good in my life:

- I finally get a day off tomorrow. Nothing scheduled. Just have to catch up on house stuff and work, but no major events.
- We started a new Bible Study on prayer based on a book by Philip Yancey (called Prayer, fittingly) that I'm really excited about. I think it will be good to do some work on it. Regardless of ones beliefs, it seems like prayer is a universal, depending on the situation. If life is bad enough, though, everyone calls to the supernatural for help. Maybe I'll write a blog about it.
- My car is still running. There might be something a little wrong with the wiring in one area, and maybe my tires need to be rotated, but it's started and run perfectly all winter. And this winter, that's saying something.
- I get a 25 minute drive to work each morning. I get to watch the sunrise and every day it's different.
- The week is done. Hallelujah.
- k, I'm better.