Goals and direction

Apparently anything worth writing about in the last month or so revolves around Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm a little embarrased about this, but not enough to NOT write whats on my mind, so here it goes.

I watched Blood Diamond tonight, alone (which is really not all that surprising) and it made me cry (also not that surprising). Here is a bit of background about me that you might not know:

1. I went to Mali, Africa when I was 16 for 2 months. In hind sight I can't believe my parents let me go, but I was pretty sure of myself and they were pretty sure of God, so it worked.

2. I had no idea what was going on politically or economically in Mali at the time and wasn't worried about it... maybe I wouldn't have gone if I was less ignorant though, so its a good thing probably.

3. What I did want to do was find out what a missionary does. I wanted to be a missionary and so I thought living with one would give me a good idea about what life was like.

4. I don't know if I still want to be a missionary most of the time. Sometimes though, like today, I feel driven to it, like there is a point to it.

Ok, so now to put it all together.

I go through stages when my life feels really pointless. Ok, I'm a teacher, so maybe pointless is the wrong word for it. I know that I'm teaching kids things that matter and for some of them I might be a good person who they like. I feel somewhat... replaceable I guess. I am doing a job that thousands of other people are qualified to do, though. At the U of A, something like 2-3 thousand people graduate from the Faculty of Education each year. So really, even though the kids might like me, and I may even make a difference in a few kids lives over the years, my job is replaceable. If I disappeared completely the school would scramble for a few days, maybe a week tops, and then there would be someone else in my classroom, with my kids, teaching my subjects.

These realizations, however, are not causing me to despair at this moment though. They are really just more background to where I'm going with all this.

I've decided that there is a reason that I'm alone. There is a reason that I haven't lost my faith, and there is a reason that my heart feels pulled to do more than give money when I see movies like Blood Diamond. I'm not built to stay. If I get married, I will marry someone who is ok not being stable or rich, but someone who is driven and needs fulfillment from something other than western success.

So here are my new rough goals for the next few years:

1. Go back to Africa

2. Be Irreplaceable.

3. Be Fulfilled.

Now the qualifier: It's late, I'm tired and ranty, and I don't know what this all will sound like tomorrow morning. I know that right now though, its where my heart is though, and if I need to I'll delete it later.