A month and a half.

It's strange to be writing this little monologue, isn't it? I mean, I don't technically know everyone that might read it, and I guess some pretty personal stuff does come up on occasion. But what is personal anyways? Some people do things, say things, think things that they don't want other people to know. They want to keep them in their person, instead of making them public to the world. Hence the word personal. I'm not a good "personal" person. I like talking about what is happening to me with other people. I don't tell people some stuff, like my weight for instance, or some dumb things that I've done that are just embarrasing, but most important things in life end up going in someone elses ear, so I guess maybe thats why I'm not so worried about who reads this. I'm actually surprised anyone does, because contrary to popular belief (ok, not even that - maybe more contrary to what I wish I was) I'm not that much of an interesting person. But everyone needs an outlet, and although I'm not really a writer, I'm not really a poet either, or a songwriter, so I figure writing is the least embarrasing way to vent. Venting in a song could end up sounding angry or worse, whiney, and poetry? Well aside from Haiku and iambic pentameter (thanks to my english teachers in high school) I'm pretty much lost. So writing it is.

I'm pretty mellow tonight. I'm listening to some Ben Harper song that a friend sent me over msn, and the way it sounds is exactly how I feel. The last month and a half (Since the last time I posted anything here) have been good I guess. Some fun-ness, some not so much, but basically just life keeps going, and I try to keep up. I've been getting a lot more headaches lately. This is the whiney part. I went to the doctor again today, and got different medication, and I really want to take one, but I can't until I'm ready to sleep, and I'm just not quite lame enough yet to go to bed at 8:30 on Friday night. You know, in high school and my first few years of college I always thought I was SO lame if I was at home alone on a Friday evening. I thought I should be doing something... everyone does something on Friday. Now, though, I am just fine being quiet and alone. Its nice actually. Life is so busy for everyone. Every single minute is taken up with something. If you aren't AT something, then you're on your way there. I can't wait for Christmas. I get three weeks off of School, and I don't want to HAVE to do anything. I just want to relax, drink hot chocolate, bake with mom, sleep in, and just sit. Just sit quietly with a fire in the fireplace, and a tree in the livingroom, and be content. Until the end of this semester there isn't really any down time. In fact, I have a midterm on Monday that I should be studying for right now. I'll get to it once I'm done with this little update.

Its going to be weird from about December 10th on here. My roommate and 2 of my other closest friends are going to California for the week. I'm so happy for them, and I would have definitely taken the opportunity to go if I were them. But that week will be so silent around here. I wonder if I'll like it or not. I've never really lived alone before. Next year I will, because I'm finally going to be done school and I'm going to find a job, and a place of my own. Mostly (like 98%) of me, is super excited to live alone to see what its like. But there is part of me that kind of feels afraid. Like pre-lonely loneliness. What if I hate it, what if bad stuff happens to me? Maybe in reality I want someone to live with me to make sure that I don't get hurt or something. I'm a pretty strong person, but I like being taken care of.

Maybe thats the worst thing about not having a boyfriend. I like the companionship. I miss having that person that you know is just going to do nothing with you on a Friday night, but its ok. Having someone thats just there. I miss that. Something feels wrong about moving out to be all by myself. I feel like I SHOULD have someone with me. But maybe this is just Friday night alone talking. (and a little Ben Harper and having a bit of a headache, and having a month left of school this semester, with graduation in April and real life looming ahead.) Ok, I need to quit thinking about all of this, and just think about today. And what I need to do right now. Which is study for my test on Monday.