The funny thing about moving is that nothing ever really changes. You can change your location, your job, the view from your window, but in reality, you still have the same personality, same idiosyncrasies, and the same addictions that plagued you prior to the move… Its easy to think that a change in scenery will help you change your habits, but in reality, they come with you – maybe not for a day or two, but they are always in tow. I still hate to clean, I still don’t like cooking, I still eat way to much junk. I still watch too much TV, get stressed about the future, and I still have a hard time maintaining anything that even resembles a schedule.
It turns out that despite my best intentions, changing things that are ingrained already is going to take a lot more work than I thought.
So, I’m doing the “long distance relationship” thing. (If “long distance” is defined by needing to call long distance to talk to the significant other…) Its only about an hour and a half to see him, but after spending the summer seeing each other almost daily, I think I’m going through withdrawal. Not so much fun. Adding to the problem is that we’re both teachers. This means that yes, we do get the same holidays, but that we also have to work after school, on weekends, and most holidays to keep up with the work load and planning. It basically all comes down to three words: I miss him. That is all.
Today I’ve actually been relatively productive… I’ve finished my year plans for Social, which is a big project in itself, because it’s a new curriculum, and so there is nothing to work from but the curriculum itself, and the textbook written for the class. This afternoon I have Science to work on, and a computers class that I’m teaching. Hopefully lots will get done. I have yet to get out of my pajama’s, and lets be honest, I may stay in them all day.
Ok, back to work. Then a nap. mmmm. I love nap.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
quick rant:
What is with people that pull up inches behind you in the drive-through? I mean. I understand the concept of the drive-through – stay in your cars, get as many through as possible, convenience and speed, etc, etc. But is it really necessary for you (usually in a truck that screams “I AM COMPENSATING!” – welcome to Sherwood Park) to practically massage the bumper of the person in front of you? I hear you all now: “but I know my car, I’m not too close, I know exactly where I am!” Well, that’s great for you. But maybe I don’t really know mine. Maybe I don’t know how far you are away from me, and it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I like my bumper the way it is. Maybe I drive a stick and I’m going to roll back several inches when I put it into gear. Maybe I don’t give a crap how well you know your cars bumpers, but I don’t know YOU that well, and want you out of my frigging personal space. Just back off. Giving me a foot or two of comfort zone is NOT going to back up the line at Tim Horton’s any further than it already is backed up, and believe me, you will not get to the window one second faster by looming in my rearview mirror.
Have a special day.
Have a special day.
Monday, July 24, 2006
drug-induced sleep
I just woke up from a 2 hour nap. I get bad headaches, and I have medication that I can take for them. This medication doesn’t always put me to sleep, but if I take enough of it, I know it will put me to sleep in short order. This knowledge, combined with the fact that I haven’t been sleeping great in my 35 degree Celsius apartment resulted in a wonderful drug-induced nap that I haven’t yet fully awakened from. Its weird because I know that I took an extra pill just so that I could completely sleep – really really hard. I don’t know if this is a bad thing, but I figure as long as I’m not taking medication regularly to sleep its not a bit deal. I’ve just been so tired and lethargic, and when its so hot everywhere, and there is no relief, its nice to be able to sleep through it, even if it is only just for a couple of hours. Plus, my headache seems to have lessened, at least for a while.
Now the part where I talk about guys (or in my case, the guy). I called my Uncle and Aunt's in the States. My parents and sister left on Saturday to go visit them, so I called today to make sure that they were happy and healthy and all that. I started talking to my Uncle, who is a pastor down there, and immediately the guy came up. This is not such a surprise, as my Uncle is a pastor, and he loves to make people think (and he loves to make people uncomfortable). But he asked me important stuff about where this guy was spiritually, and how does he lead me, and I had to say, right off the bat, that he doesn’t lead me. He hasn’t been a strong believer as long as I have, and he isn’t at the same place as me. He also asked me what this guy does that makes me know that he is a Christian, and because I had just woken up and because it was just so immediate and flooring, I just said that I didn’t know. I want this guy to be that for me – a spiritual leader, and a strong Christian, and I don’t think that its something that is out of reach, but I’ve always said that I wouldn’t “missionary date” either, where I date someone and hope they become what I want them to be. My Uncle just said, well I know what to pray about then, and that was that. He’s awesome and I love my family so much, and I couldn’t marry someone that they weren’t 100% behind either.
Its making me think though, besides church attendance, what do I do that would make people know that I’m a Christian? I’m nice, I try not to gossip, etc etc, but a lot of people who don’t have faith do that because they have good morals. I haven’t been very consistent with my Bible reading lately, and besides the guy, I haven’t shared my beliefs with anyone in a long time. I’m feeling very hypocritical. I can call myself a Christian, and I have faith, but if its not acted out, then how do other people know its there? To most people I’m probably just a sweet girl, who can be opinionated, and who goes to church on Sunday. Basically, I’m describing a large percentage of the female population, and to me being a real Christian is so much more than that. Why do I have such a hard time living up to the standards that I set for everyone else in my life, and do I have the right to set the bar higher for everyone else, when I’m not making the bar myself?
Now the part where I talk about guys (or in my case, the guy). I called my Uncle and Aunt's in the States. My parents and sister left on Saturday to go visit them, so I called today to make sure that they were happy and healthy and all that. I started talking to my Uncle, who is a pastor down there, and immediately the guy came up. This is not such a surprise, as my Uncle is a pastor, and he loves to make people think (and he loves to make people uncomfortable). But he asked me important stuff about where this guy was spiritually, and how does he lead me, and I had to say, right off the bat, that he doesn’t lead me. He hasn’t been a strong believer as long as I have, and he isn’t at the same place as me. He also asked me what this guy does that makes me know that he is a Christian, and because I had just woken up and because it was just so immediate and flooring, I just said that I didn’t know. I want this guy to be that for me – a spiritual leader, and a strong Christian, and I don’t think that its something that is out of reach, but I’ve always said that I wouldn’t “missionary date” either, where I date someone and hope they become what I want them to be. My Uncle just said, well I know what to pray about then, and that was that. He’s awesome and I love my family so much, and I couldn’t marry someone that they weren’t 100% behind either.
Its making me think though, besides church attendance, what do I do that would make people know that I’m a Christian? I’m nice, I try not to gossip, etc etc, but a lot of people who don’t have faith do that because they have good morals. I haven’t been very consistent with my Bible reading lately, and besides the guy, I haven’t shared my beliefs with anyone in a long time. I’m feeling very hypocritical. I can call myself a Christian, and I have faith, but if its not acted out, then how do other people know its there? To most people I’m probably just a sweet girl, who can be opinionated, and who goes to church on Sunday. Basically, I’m describing a large percentage of the female population, and to me being a real Christian is so much more than that. Why do I have such a hard time living up to the standards that I set for everyone else in my life, and do I have the right to set the bar higher for everyone else, when I’m not making the bar myself?
Sunday, July 23, 2006
But I miss him
I have turned into one of those girls I hate. I can do the whole “social outing” thing, and pull off that I am having fun, and for moments, I can have genuine fun. But for the next 3 weeks, I’m really sort of faking it. My boyfriendish-sort-of-thing is on a vacation, which he is completely entitled to, and actually has cut short because of me, I think. This leaves me alone, and really not wanting to do anything or go anywhere at all. Its like I’ve turned into one of those whiney “I miss him so much” types. And I have! I don’t think that I whine all that much, but in reality I could; I’m just able to control myself somewhat. In my mind though, I miss him like crazy. Of course I want him to relax, have fun, etc, etc, but I also want him to come home and be with me. Its very selfish of me, I know. But I think when you care about someone and they leave, there is a hole left, that only they can fill. And when they’re not there to fill it, it just sucks, and you have no motivation at all. Another cookie please.
Monday, July 10, 2006
An assortment of updates
I currently do approximately 1 to 1 ½ hours of work per day. I get paid for 7 and ¼ hours of work. Now, to most people this would sound joyful! I can do anything I want for the 6 left-over hours! Read, talk on the phone, plan my parents anniversary, put album covers with all the songs on my iPod… short of leaving my office I can pretty much spend the day doing, well, whatever I want. Unfortunately, this is not what I want to be doing. I was raised to work at work, and do other stuff on my own time. I dread going to work because there is literally NOTHING for me to do here. I open some mail, do a bit of filing, stamp the date on things… and I know this is just “summer at my job.” During the fall, winter and spring there is tons to do, and never enough time to do it, but during the summer, oh wow… the workload slows from a waterfall to a trickle. A very weak sad little trickle. I think my job is slowly sucking the life out of me.
On the up-side, I have read the first 4 Harry Potter books in the last few weeks, and I’m on the 5th. Totally addicting, and honestly just good fun.
I’m bringing a boy home to meet my parents this weekend. I’m also planning a party for their 25th anniversary, so it will be an insanely busy weekend, but he’s important to me, and this is the only weekend before I move that this will actually work. Plus, he drives a 4-runner, so he will be a big help in picking stuff up for the party…
I’m moving in like 4 ½ weeks. Moving cities… different address, phone number, everyone I know will be a long distance call away… such an odd thought. Moving brings with it a lot of expenses. Like, for instance, furniture. I bought a bed, couch, loveseat, and TV the other day. I have never spent so much money in one day before. Quite the nerve-racking ordeal, I could hardly sleep that night. (Good thing my job isn’t exactly overly-demanding).
The whole relationship thing is interesting. I’ve never been very good at “labeling” in a relationship. I am in the 1% of girls that can survive without definition of what “we” are. I’ve never called this person my boyfriend, but my friends refer to him as that all the time, because it reduces confusion when talking about him. He is this guy, who I want to spend all of my time with, who knows me better than 99% of the people in my life do, who can’t get enough of me (tee hee) and who I don’t want to move away from. Ever. But we haven’t ever said that we’re officially “dating” because we started as friends. There wasn’t a defining day that changed things for us, just a slow evolution of the relationship, to the point that he is meeting my parents… Somehow I’m ok with the lack of “official definition” though. I’m secure in whatever it is that we are, and I know that we’re both exclusive to one another, so it’s ok just the way it is.
Well this was a sort of a mish-mash of thoughts today. I’m going to make an attempt to keep this thing updated over the next couple of months. Lots of changes and more life-sucking job stories are sure to come!
On the up-side, I have read the first 4 Harry Potter books in the last few weeks, and I’m on the 5th. Totally addicting, and honestly just good fun.
I’m bringing a boy home to meet my parents this weekend. I’m also planning a party for their 25th anniversary, so it will be an insanely busy weekend, but he’s important to me, and this is the only weekend before I move that this will actually work. Plus, he drives a 4-runner, so he will be a big help in picking stuff up for the party…
I’m moving in like 4 ½ weeks. Moving cities… different address, phone number, everyone I know will be a long distance call away… such an odd thought. Moving brings with it a lot of expenses. Like, for instance, furniture. I bought a bed, couch, loveseat, and TV the other day. I have never spent so much money in one day before. Quite the nerve-racking ordeal, I could hardly sleep that night. (Good thing my job isn’t exactly overly-demanding).
The whole relationship thing is interesting. I’ve never been very good at “labeling” in a relationship. I am in the 1% of girls that can survive without definition of what “we” are. I’ve never called this person my boyfriend, but my friends refer to him as that all the time, because it reduces confusion when talking about him. He is this guy, who I want to spend all of my time with, who knows me better than 99% of the people in my life do, who can’t get enough of me (tee hee) and who I don’t want to move away from. Ever. But we haven’t ever said that we’re officially “dating” because we started as friends. There wasn’t a defining day that changed things for us, just a slow evolution of the relationship, to the point that he is meeting my parents… Somehow I’m ok with the lack of “official definition” though. I’m secure in whatever it is that we are, and I know that we’re both exclusive to one another, so it’s ok just the way it is.
Well this was a sort of a mish-mash of thoughts today. I’m going to make an attempt to keep this thing updated over the next couple of months. Lots of changes and more life-sucking job stories are sure to come!
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
L is for the way…
I’ve always wanted to fall in love.
Like head over heels, do anything for you, till death do us part love.
I always thought that it would be an instantaneous, lightning bolt moment when it happened, but I don’t think that that is how it is supposed to work anymore. I think that lust for sure happens that way; you can see a person and be instantly attracted to them. But love, real forever love, is something that you realize more slowly. You realize how important that person is to you, and how much you want to be with them. The thought of losing that person makes you feel sick, and heartbroken all at the same time. You want that person to know every mundane detail of your life, every time someone hurts your feelings, every time you give yourself a paper cut, every time something makes you happy. And you want them to care that it happened, and when you’re in real love, I think that they do care.
I don’t think that all of these feelings happen all at once, or to the same degree. I think that it is an eventuality, that you can be unsure about it, especially if you’ve never been in love before. All the feelings are new, and you start to wonder if this is what love feels like, or if this is just really really caring about someone, but still short of love.
I think that the first time you tell someone that you love them, it’s a huge step. Because what if you’re not actually? Those three words have become so important, in that particular situation, that they can change lives forever. They have been at the climax of more movies than I can imagine, and when I say them to someone finally, I want it to be for-sure, no-holds-bar forever love.
Like head over heels, do anything for you, till death do us part love.
I always thought that it would be an instantaneous, lightning bolt moment when it happened, but I don’t think that that is how it is supposed to work anymore. I think that lust for sure happens that way; you can see a person and be instantly attracted to them. But love, real forever love, is something that you realize more slowly. You realize how important that person is to you, and how much you want to be with them. The thought of losing that person makes you feel sick, and heartbroken all at the same time. You want that person to know every mundane detail of your life, every time someone hurts your feelings, every time you give yourself a paper cut, every time something makes you happy. And you want them to care that it happened, and when you’re in real love, I think that they do care.
I don’t think that all of these feelings happen all at once, or to the same degree. I think that it is an eventuality, that you can be unsure about it, especially if you’ve never been in love before. All the feelings are new, and you start to wonder if this is what love feels like, or if this is just really really caring about someone, but still short of love.
I think that the first time you tell someone that you love them, it’s a huge step. Because what if you’re not actually? Those three words have become so important, in that particular situation, that they can change lives forever. They have been at the climax of more movies than I can imagine, and when I say them to someone finally, I want it to be for-sure, no-holds-bar forever love.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
The Pace Slows Down
I guess its time to write again. I can finally breathe a bit, after a pretty nutty oh, 6 months or so. I don’t really feel like writing down everything that’s happened, so I’ll just say this, I’m just working, still single and looking forward to moving to Whitecourt (of all places!) to teach grade 7 in the fall. End of story.
What I have to do now is buy things. I’ve got so much stuff to buy to be able to live (admittedly comfortably). I’m a bit torn. Do I just get it all, and pay for it over the next year and a half or so? Or do I get things slowly and just live uncomfortably for a long time? I don’t know… Credit makes things really easy, but not guilt free. Should I feel guilty for getting stuff on credit?
In any case, I’ve compiled a list of stuff I need. Thankfully, I have a lot of kitchen and bedroom stuff already, but here is the list:
Bedroom: Bed (Queen), Frame (just plain metal), Night stand
Spare Room: Sewing machine table (one of those folding ones from Costco, probably)
Living Room: Couch, Loveseat or Chair, End Tables, TV, TV Stand
Kitchen: Table, Chairs, Microwave Stand (I have minimal counter space – my one complaint)
Bathroom: Shower Curtain
So, that is that. I’m really excited to be moving and to be on my own and to have space. It’s all very selfish, and I understand that. I love my current roommate, and I love my friends that I’m moving away from, I just feel like I’m finally an adult, in some ways. In others I still feel like I should be asking myself what the heck I am doing purchasing a sofa and loveseat. Isn’t that something that married people do?
Since marriage came up… which it seems to relatively frequently… I got an email from a girl who was in my last class at the U today. She is engaged. Now, I suppose that this is something that I should be happy about. I mean, good for her, she found “the one” and all that. Her and every other girl in my class. But what makes them so great that they’ve been able to find that guy? What’s wrong with me? (This seems to be a question that comes up relatively frequently as well.)
I know that there have been a few guys in my life that have liked me, but this hasn’t really made be feel better about myself, because compliments from them usually end up with me either questioning their sanity, or asking what is wrong with all of the guys who I could date, because usually the ones that like me are off-limits for one reason or another.
I feel like my life is sort of on hold right now, until I move. I need to be going into this summer full of expectations and fun-ness, but part of me just wants it to be over so that I can start the next part of my life. I’m just in limbo again, sort of waiting to be able to move, and buy things, and all of that. And everyone is telling me to wait, and I just want to keep moving but I can’t. It’s so frustrating. I know that I need to relax and enjoy life right now, and focus on today and all of that, but my whole life is geared towards my future right now, and so I can’t.
What I have to do now is buy things. I’ve got so much stuff to buy to be able to live (admittedly comfortably). I’m a bit torn. Do I just get it all, and pay for it over the next year and a half or so? Or do I get things slowly and just live uncomfortably for a long time? I don’t know… Credit makes things really easy, but not guilt free. Should I feel guilty for getting stuff on credit?
In any case, I’ve compiled a list of stuff I need. Thankfully, I have a lot of kitchen and bedroom stuff already, but here is the list:
Bedroom: Bed (Queen), Frame (just plain metal), Night stand
Spare Room: Sewing machine table (one of those folding ones from Costco, probably)
Living Room: Couch, Loveseat or Chair, End Tables, TV, TV Stand
Kitchen: Table, Chairs, Microwave Stand (I have minimal counter space – my one complaint)
Bathroom: Shower Curtain
So, that is that. I’m really excited to be moving and to be on my own and to have space. It’s all very selfish, and I understand that. I love my current roommate, and I love my friends that I’m moving away from, I just feel like I’m finally an adult, in some ways. In others I still feel like I should be asking myself what the heck I am doing purchasing a sofa and loveseat. Isn’t that something that married people do?
Since marriage came up… which it seems to relatively frequently… I got an email from a girl who was in my last class at the U today. She is engaged. Now, I suppose that this is something that I should be happy about. I mean, good for her, she found “the one” and all that. Her and every other girl in my class. But what makes them so great that they’ve been able to find that guy? What’s wrong with me? (This seems to be a question that comes up relatively frequently as well.)
I know that there have been a few guys in my life that have liked me, but this hasn’t really made be feel better about myself, because compliments from them usually end up with me either questioning their sanity, or asking what is wrong with all of the guys who I could date, because usually the ones that like me are off-limits for one reason or another.
I feel like my life is sort of on hold right now, until I move. I need to be going into this summer full of expectations and fun-ness, but part of me just wants it to be over so that I can start the next part of my life. I’m just in limbo again, sort of waiting to be able to move, and buy things, and all of that. And everyone is telling me to wait, and I just want to keep moving but I can’t. It’s so frustrating. I know that I need to relax and enjoy life right now, and focus on today and all of that, but my whole life is geared towards my future right now, and so I can’t.
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