Mommy and the Health Link

Just a quick update:

The second I called mom the whole "I'm not crying thing" went out the window. I'm so stressed out and I just want this to be over so I can go home! (I'm a girl - so I'm allowed to cry and admit it freely.)

Mom said she didn't mix Ibuprofen (one of the things in the Robax) and Tylenol, but that I should call a pharmacist. I called the Health Link and she said that I could take Tylenol and Ibuprofen together, but not the muscle relaxant part of the Robax. So, I happened to have both Tylenol and Ibuprofen on hand (shocking, really) and I took that. Its really sad that in the last few years the ONLY thing I've called the health link about is dosages and combinations of medication. Why am I such a mess?

Please help my headache to go away...

Too stressed to think of something witty

I knew this would happen. It always does. I think I'm doing so well studying and focusing, and a couple of exams go well and then I hit the wall. I get overwhelmed by what I need to know, and realize I don't have time to learn. By tomorrow I need to know the following:

1. Who is "the historical Jesus"?
2. What does it say about him in Matthew?
3. What does it say about him in Mark?
4. What does it say about him in Luke?
5. What does it say about him in John?
6. What are the messages of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, 1,2,3 John, and Revelation?
7. Anything and everything about the Psychology of Adolescents
8. 5 Chapters of a text book that I haven't picked up since the last midterm in November.

The problem is that I don't have time to know everything well enough. I could handle it if both exams were all mulitple choice. Multiple choice is easy. But no, I have to write essays and short answers. I have to come up with the information myself, "to make sure that you know it" they say, "because we want to test you on what you DO know, not what you don't," they say. Well I have something to say about that! Asking me to know this much information is like asking me to pour all the water in a lake into one glass. In tiny amounts it might work, and eventually you could empty the lake, but it is impossible to know it all at the same time. And it makes my life hell for several days. And no one can really sympathize. Those that are going to write the same tests as I am don't want to or have time to sympathize, because they're going through their own hell, and those that aren't writing any exams give me the "you'll do fine, you've studied so hard" crap. I want someone to suffer with me, not thousands of other students, but someone who is mine to torture with my stress-outs.

A few other things that I'd like to complain about? I've had a headache for the last 2 days that the doctors bloody "Robax Platinum" is doing nothing for. It is on the right side of my brain, which is new and fun, and it goes down the back of my neck into my shoulder. How is this possible? Simple. When you're sitting at a computer staring at a bright screen or sitting on a couch holding your head at a weird angle so that you can see both your notes and the freaking textbook at the same time, your eye muscles and your neck and back muscles get twisted strangely and if you're me, you get a headache that never goes away and which has had no effective treatement for the last 6 years. Another thing? I think I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrom or whatever the heck you call it. (I'm not typing this in Word, so its going to have tons of mistakes, but if I stare at one more word document I'm going to cry probably, so I thought it best to skip that part). My wrists hurt from typing and writing, because for me to study effectively I have to do more than just read the information, I need to write it and categorize it, and make notes or flashcards. I need to physcially learn it using more movement than just the scanning of my eyes. So, now my fingers and my wrists hurt. Physically, studying is worse for me than climing a mountain, I think!

Ok, I've sort of calmed down. I was feeling completely overwhelmed and almost broke down and cried 15 minutes ago. I was all of a sudden all hot and stuffy feeling, and now I think I might be able to study for a few more hours with the help of Robax Platinum and copius amounts of Tylenol. I'm going to call mom and see if its ok to mix those.

I still have no idea how I'm going to do well on my tests tomorrow. (a little sob)

A little evaluation

Well, I have 3 exams left and I really should be studying for one, or all of them. I had to do some running around this morning, and I picked up a couple of Christmas presents, and then I had to wrap them, because I love wrapping presents, and then decorating them with ribbon and bows and fun name tags. Now I have 5 presents under my Christmas tree (which will be going home with me on Friday).

I’ve been thinking a lot about this last year. Evaluating it I guess. It was certainly not a bad year, but it sure wasn’t perfect either. So, here is a list (as usual) in semi-chronological order.

Good things:
Moved in with Erica
Finished second last year of school
Awesome job for summer (and now part time)
Traveled to: Calgary, Banff, Grande Prairie, Vauxhall, Irma
New Nephew! James!
Interesting classes this semester
Sewing machine – now I can learn!
Christmas decorating.
Christmas music.

Not perfect things:
Bridget getting run over. I miss her. (she was a dog, in case anyone was wondering)
Annoying lazy people.
First real boyfriend – not the worst thing, but not perfect.
Ending things with aforementioned person.
Midterms, Finals, Papers – anything that requires me to study or work hard for school

I’m sure there’s tons more good things, and a few more less-than-good things. I can add them later. I guess that I should get back to work.

Regarding Survivor

After watching Survivor sporadically over the last few years, I’ve been thinking. Tonight is, of course, the finale of this season. I started watching it the first year I lived in Edmonton (2002), because my roommate at the time really liked it, so its what was on Thursday evenings. Then I watched it because other friends really liked it. I always went to "Survivor night" because of the socialization part of the evening. I don’t hate the show, don’t get me wrong. I get involved, and I start liking people and wishing others were voted off, but at the same time I was never NOT able to blow it off for a test or something. Tonight I was watching it (funny because I have a final tomorrow and I really should be totally focused on that), and I realized that I have finally decided what my favorite part is. I like the endurance challenges. Some people think that they’re boring, but I think they’re the best! Whatever happens, there is no “bad luck” involved. Its not a competition against anyone, but against oneself. No one can do better or worse as a result of another person, it’s just one person versus time, with very few variables to affect the outcome. Its very clean, cut and dry, simple.

Or maybe its just that I like watching people suffer in agony. I prefer the first idea though.

Strange Days

It’s not a normal Saturday that I am up at 7:45 am. It’s not a normal day period when, at 7:45 am, I’ve already been up for almost 4 hours. (As a side note, I am now typing my posts out in Microsoft Word because someone noticed the spelling and grammar mistakes in the previous posts, and I wouldn’t want to ruin anyone’s reading experience due to my poor spelling and grammar).

What I have done today (in detail):
1. 4:00 am – got up
2. made coffee
3. 4:40 am – leave apartment with Erica
4. 4:45 am – pick up Denise, wash off lights with leftover snow (all dirty because of melting snow and wet roads)
5. 4:55 am – pick up Carolyn, drive to Airport
6. 5:30 am – drop off girls at Airport, hug them, wish I was going with them to California!
7. 5:35 am – drove away, sort of sad, sort of excited
8. 6:00 am – arrived back at apartment, not super tired, so I separated “clean” and “dirty” clothes for laundry later (bank doesn’t open till 10, and I need loonies and quarters, so I have to go get some before I can do laundry)
9. I also emptied all the garbage cans in my apartment
10. I also opened the sliding door, turned on the Christmas lights (outside and on tree) and aired my apartment out. For some reason it felt like it was 30 degrees in here.
11. Cleaned off my desk
12. Organized the stuff I have to study for finals next week.
13. Printed off notes from last midterm for my Ed. Psych class (I’ve been pretty much the opposite of a keener in that class – I figure the prof is lucky I attend. ha ha)
14. Realize that I’m out of black ink again. I might as well just stock up, I don’t know why it always disappears so fast… make a note to buy some later when I go to the bank.
15. Decide that I’m not quite tired enough to nap, so I write in this blog, and listen to the Varsity Blues soundtrack. (I love soundtracks, and this one is a classic).

So, as you can tee, I’m extremely efficient when I want to be. It’s really quiet around here, but it’s Saturday morning too, so I’m not sad yet. Now I have to separate darks and lights, and make a list of “stuff to buy” for Sunday School tomorrow. I’m teaching my own class, but also sub-ing for Carolyn in the other service, and its “celebration Sunday” meaning that I have to plan fun stuff for both classes to do. I’m thinking timbits, (coffee for me), maybe some Yahtzee and UNO (UNO does involve cards, so that could be a problem in a Baptist church.) Maybe I’ll find a website with some fun “icebreaker” games. I should get candy canes too, and a present for the girl who memorized the most verses this fall. So much to do!

In other news, and more generally, life has been pretty good lately. Classes ended, I have 4 finals this week, none that I am ready for yet, but that’s why it’s good that it is quiet around here. I’m pretty stoked for Friday, when I drive home! (Of course, its supposed to snow the whole way). I’m going home for over 3 weeks, which is almost a month! That means that I have to pack with this in mind. I have major issues with “over packing.” I am not a “one small suitcase and my carry on is a purse” sort of girl. I know girls like this, and I don’t know who I got this problem from, but its just something I must endure. I’m to the point where I figure, why fight it?

Ok, I’m starting to fade. I’m going to go have a nap before the sun comes up and the stores start opening. Good night!

Comments again

So, I've decided to re-enable comments. They have a word verification thing now, and hopefully it will stop the spam that loves to attach itself to my blog.

Have a good day all!

Go Party Girl

So, I was at a real live party tonight. I do a lot of low-key "hanging with the girls" partying, but this one was a real live dance-till-1:30 to a stereo that is way to loud type of party. And it was really fun. I haven't partied where there was no movies or television watching occuring in a very long time, and this semester I REALLY haven't, so I was naturally a bit skeptical. Would I have fun? I literally knew NO ONE except Rosie, and I went purely for her benefit, because she knew only one person too. So, for the first while it was a bit quiet, people talking, but not to us, or if it was to us then it was pretty sporadic. Then we started dancing a bit, and then we found a super-fun song, which will remain anonymous, and then everyone was dancing, and then who cares who you know? FUN TIMES. In any case, I was going to stay home and study tonight, but I'm glad I did this instead. It's not everyday that you get to go to a strangers birthday. Happy Birthday Tim!

Now tomorrow I can really buckle down and study hard. I'm looking forward to it in an end-of-the-year-is-finally-near sort of way. 14 days from now I will be sleeping in my bed at my parents, and it will be Christmas break. Dad will wake me up on December 17th with a coffee, and I will go upstairs, and sit and eat breakfast and chat with mom and dad, and I will be so happy. Tomorrow will be my first day studying for a final exam, and so its like the beginning of the end. When I come back to school on the 9th, it will be the beginning of my LAST semester. After 6 years, its going to feel GREAT. Beyond belief. Its sort of a surreal thought. When I graduate, I will have been a student for 19 years, and Lord willing I'll go back to school a teacher in the fall.

Its 2:00 a.m. I feel like such a teenager! I stay up late so rarely that it seems strange. My roommates are asleep, but I'm not even that tired. Maybe I'll go see whats on tv... one thing thats great about dancing is its really good exercize. I weighed myself when I got home, and I weighed like 5 pounds LESS than this morning. Its supposed to be the opposite. I'm also parched, so my genius scientific mind is telling me that any weight I lost was not fat, but actually water. I'm so smart. SMRT.

I'm going to go fill up my glass of water and go to bed I think. My theory is that I'm actually a lot more tired than I currently feel, and that it won't take me long to fall asleep in reality.

Good night all!

-Party Girl...

Oh, what news...

The last week of my life in a nutshell:

Monday: Midterm in Political Science
Tuesday: Fire in apartment building
Wednesday: Back to school, get extention on Anthro paper that was due today
Thursday: Help Denise go through her apartment, what a mess
Friday: Get midterm back: A-, Go Hannah
Saturday: Decorate apartment for Christmas, go Erica and Hannah, finish paper due last Wednesday
Sunday: Work on Religion Paper due Tuesday
Monday: Finish Religion Paper, get History paper back, B+, not so bad!
Tuesday: Hand in Religion Paper, see Walk the Line. Good movie. Snowy outside.
Wednesday: Hand in Anthro Paper: Hallelujah! Last paper of the semester.

Oh, did I mention that my apartment building was on fire? Check out the results:
Notice the lack of roof? Imagine what the top floors looked like...
But life goes on, I have another roommate now, yay for Denise! Erica and I had fun decorating...

So, life keeps changing, you meet new people, sometimes randomly and sometimes via your mother, and fall out of touch with others. Sometimes I get that feeling that I'm so completely out of the loop that I might never get back in it. Or maybe I was never in it in the first place. The thing is, this should bug me. It really bugs be when my friends are hurt from finding out secrets that they maybe deserved to know, or maybe just should have known because everyone else already did. I guess someones got to be the last to know, but why is it always us?

In my case, I should probably care more than I do. I guess I blame myself. This semester has been a gong show, and I haven't exactly made a huge effort to keep in touch with people. As far as the rest of my little posse goes, they're more important to me than knowing everything about everyone, or even somethings about some people. Friends are important, and I think because I've been such a hermit this semester, I've found out just how much better a few close friends are than a hundred acquaintences.

We have another Federal Election coming up in January. As much as I hope otherwise, I'm predicting another Liberal Minority. The ND's might gain a few seats, but the east is afraid to vote to the right, so the Conservatives will probably remain pretty much where they are. On that note, why are the Bloq even a party? I think that one requirement to have federal party status is that the party should at least claim to have the good of all Canadians in mind. The bloq are unabashedly a provincial party, and will remain so. Even the green party has small amounts of support across the whole of Canada. Maybe I won't vote. Who would I vote for? What a gong show.

A month and a half.

It's strange to be writing this little monologue, isn't it? I mean, I don't technically know everyone that might read it, and I guess some pretty personal stuff does come up on occasion. But what is personal anyways? Some people do things, say things, think things that they don't want other people to know. They want to keep them in their person, instead of making them public to the world. Hence the word personal. I'm not a good "personal" person. I like talking about what is happening to me with other people. I don't tell people some stuff, like my weight for instance, or some dumb things that I've done that are just embarrasing, but most important things in life end up going in someone elses ear, so I guess maybe thats why I'm not so worried about who reads this. I'm actually surprised anyone does, because contrary to popular belief (ok, not even that - maybe more contrary to what I wish I was) I'm not that much of an interesting person. But everyone needs an outlet, and although I'm not really a writer, I'm not really a poet either, or a songwriter, so I figure writing is the least embarrasing way to vent. Venting in a song could end up sounding angry or worse, whiney, and poetry? Well aside from Haiku and iambic pentameter (thanks to my english teachers in high school) I'm pretty much lost. So writing it is.

I'm pretty mellow tonight. I'm listening to some Ben Harper song that a friend sent me over msn, and the way it sounds is exactly how I feel. The last month and a half (Since the last time I posted anything here) have been good I guess. Some fun-ness, some not so much, but basically just life keeps going, and I try to keep up. I've been getting a lot more headaches lately. This is the whiney part. I went to the doctor again today, and got different medication, and I really want to take one, but I can't until I'm ready to sleep, and I'm just not quite lame enough yet to go to bed at 8:30 on Friday night. You know, in high school and my first few years of college I always thought I was SO lame if I was at home alone on a Friday evening. I thought I should be doing something... everyone does something on Friday. Now, though, I am just fine being quiet and alone. Its nice actually. Life is so busy for everyone. Every single minute is taken up with something. If you aren't AT something, then you're on your way there. I can't wait for Christmas. I get three weeks off of School, and I don't want to HAVE to do anything. I just want to relax, drink hot chocolate, bake with mom, sleep in, and just sit. Just sit quietly with a fire in the fireplace, and a tree in the livingroom, and be content. Until the end of this semester there isn't really any down time. In fact, I have a midterm on Monday that I should be studying for right now. I'll get to it once I'm done with this little update.

Its going to be weird from about December 10th on here. My roommate and 2 of my other closest friends are going to California for the week. I'm so happy for them, and I would have definitely taken the opportunity to go if I were them. But that week will be so silent around here. I wonder if I'll like it or not. I've never really lived alone before. Next year I will, because I'm finally going to be done school and I'm going to find a job, and a place of my own. Mostly (like 98%) of me, is super excited to live alone to see what its like. But there is part of me that kind of feels afraid. Like pre-lonely loneliness. What if I hate it, what if bad stuff happens to me? Maybe in reality I want someone to live with me to make sure that I don't get hurt or something. I'm a pretty strong person, but I like being taken care of.

Maybe thats the worst thing about not having a boyfriend. I like the companionship. I miss having that person that you know is just going to do nothing with you on a Friday night, but its ok. Having someone thats just there. I miss that. Something feels wrong about moving out to be all by myself. I feel like I SHOULD have someone with me. But maybe this is just Friday night alone talking. (and a little Ben Harper and having a bit of a headache, and having a month left of school this semester, with graduation in April and real life looming ahead.) Ok, I need to quit thinking about all of this, and just think about today. And what I need to do right now. Which is study for my test on Monday.

Birthday count down

Ah, just one more.

FYI: My birthday week has officially begun! Its now technically Sunday of the week in which my birthday occurs. That means that it is the week of my birthday: ie my birthday week.

Yay!

Funny me

Again, two at once. But I didn't want to mix topics. This one will be short, I promise.

Now, I don't think that I am the most normal person ever, nor is my sense of humor. However, I didn't think that it was overly complex or too quirky to understand, either. But, I realized something interesting lately. There are some people who just don't get me. Now, some of these people are wonderful people, who I get along with just fine, and who I would even consider friends. Its just interesting that occationally I find myself having to explain my own jokes. It kind of kills the punchline. Its funny to think about though. I'm glad I don't have to explain myself to everyone, and I think generally people understand me, but sometimes I get this blank stare. Like the little msn emoticon with the straight mouth and round eyes. I love that one. It isn't every day that someone looks at you that way.

Makes me laugh. :

Decisions

Today I was filling out a form for school. It was the kind of form that you start filling out very innocently. I like forms; I get to fill in my name, address, phone number. Then it gets to the part where I pick a local or regional placement (I’m in education – this would be practicum next spring), and reality sort of bowls me over. Oh my goodness. Local or Regional? Easy enough question, you would think. But sometimes questions have further reaching implications than you would think. I mean its not a “will you marry me?” type question, but I would have to say its higher on the importance scale than say “will you go out with me?”

You see, my placement comes at the end of my school year. Not only that, but it’s the end of my degree. And on top of that, it’s the end of me going to school as a student…. Ever. So, it’s a bit weighted you see. If I choose a local placement then it means that I stay here, in Sherwood Forest, for the last 2 months of school, then I maybe find a job for the summer and apply around here for work in the fall and try to find a new (read: larger, less intrusive on my roommate, who I love) place to live. However, if I choose regional? I move back to mom and dad’s, finish my last 2 months of school, and then apply for a job in the fall. It does leave the summer more open to less work, as I will have less expenses. Also, mom will cook for me during practicum, which is a huge help, as anyone who knows me understands.

Moving home means that there is a good chance that I won’t ever come back. It’s the end of this chapter, the end of an “era” really. I’ve lived in the Edmonton area for 4 years, and have been going to school for 6. At 22 that means that more than a quarter of my life has been spent going to post secondary school. And for those of you keeping count, I have spent 19 years as a student. 19 out of 22 is a lot of years. Now I realized that I’m going to get a trillion (or at least 1) email saying that “you’re never actually leaving school, because you’re a teacher, ha ha ha!” And as clearly as I understand that, there is a distinct difference between going to school on your first day as a student, and going to school on your first day as a teacher. Teaching is a job. I will get paid, I will have responsibility over young people, I will be an example (and hopefully a good one.)

But leaving here now means that I am leaving a lot of friends, a great church and a whole life really. Not that all of my friends will disappear into the part of my life I call my “past” or that my life at home has ever really ended. In reality, Grande Prairie is my home, and despite the sarcasm most people heap on it, I happen to love it. However, as much as I’m leaving here, what am I going to there? My closest family all lives in GP, and I have some very good friends there too. But not as many, and they all have lives currently that do not include me as an important part of their daily, or weekly, or even monthly, lives. So, going home, as wonderful as it is, does leave something to be desired, when it comes right down to it. Still, there is something in me that makes me want to end this part of my life with finality. To leave it behind (not the people or the memories, just the whole stage), and run. The thing is, I guess as I think about this all, there really isn’t any actual finality to any stage of life. Getting over/rid of the past isn’t ever truly possible. It is always there with you. I don’t think this time period is something I need to rid myself of either (as much as I hate exams), it just seems like it wouldn’t be the worst thing to shut the door (lightly, and without locking it) and go home to marmie and daddy and dinner on the table.

Something to pray about anyways.

FYI, RE: Comments

Hi all. Just a note. I started getting automatic advertizements as comments, and this really annoyed me, so I made comments hidden so I didn't need to actually see the fact that crazy people are commenting on my blog. I'm not sure if you are able to comment either, and considering that like 3 of you actually do, I'm not sure if that is a very big deal. In any case, I figure if you know me well enough to comment then you also know my email address and you can send comments there. I don't want to post my email here though, due to scary people on the internet who will start sending viagra commercials to my inbox. Have a great day!

Africa, Canada and Gilmore Girls

Currently Listening To: Hear Me, Kelly Clarkson. (GREAT song. My new favorite of the week).

Well, do I have some news! But first – about my day. Today I feel like I was extra productive. I went to class, and was not late, and I didn’t drink coffee AND I didn’t fall asleep in class! Then after class I went to Tim Hortons, where I did have coffee, and I had lunch and I studied, and then I went to Second Cup, and had another cup of coffee, and I studied all afternoon! Then I went to my night class and didn’t fall asleep during it either! (Most likely because I had finally caffeinated.) Also, it’s a class on the culture and people of Mesoamerica, and they practiced crazy things like human sacrifice and blood letting, and how can you fall asleep in a class like that?! It’s like reading National Geographic! (Which, as it happens, I also did today! I just got the new one. I haven’t had a chance to read all of it, but there are some great pictures of Hawaiian creatures and also the salt mines in Africa.)

Speaking of Africa, I just read a book where the main character went to Africa to work at a refugee camp. It made me think about living how I do, and question why it is I deserve to live the life I do, sitting here in front of my computer listening to Kelly Clarkson cranked on my head phones, when there are people out there literally dying. Like DYING. And I can be a good little conservative and say well, they should have just worked harder, I am blessed to live in a good country. I could have been born in some 3rd world African country wracked by drought, famine and civil war JUST AS EASILY. The thing is I’M NOT SPECIAL. It’s a fluke. If God loves everyone equally then it’s a crock to say that he’s “blessed” western nations with wealth and comfort. Western Nations like Canada may have pretended to build their country on “Godly principles” but in fact, when you look at history, we’ve turned around and given him the finger just like every other country in the world. The Bible says that lying is wrong, but even our LEADERS are rarely giving us the facts, and we don’t even expect them to! That’s the crazy thing! It’s INGRAINED in us to doubt people that WE ELECT. God invents marriage, we wreck it, half of us get divorced, the other half complain about their spouses. God invents MAN and WOMAN and we decide that man on man is ok because it TOTALLY WORKS. I mean, look at all the babies being BORN into happy same-sex parent families – oh wait. That’s PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. So, ya, I was born in a “Christian” nation. Sure.

But have I ever even given my twenty eight dollars a month to world vision? No. Because I need a new PDA and the Gilmore Girls on DVD. When I really start to think then I get scared because my good “conservative” roots start to look really selfish and questionable. Why the HELL do I deserve to live the way I do? I don’t. And people starving in Africa don’t deserve to live that way either. But never mind, I should keep my money and time because I worked for it, and giving it to people that actually need it is communist. So screw that. I’m going to go to bed and set my CD alarm clock, so that I wake up in time to drive my car to Tim’s and get a coffee before class. You know, I’ve been thinking. My bed is pretty rickety, and my mattress is hurting my back, so I should probably get a new one. Because there is definitely no better use for that money. There isn’t anyone in the world sleeping on the ground in huts.

Oh great – now I’m all frustrated.

On a lighter note, and back to the news that I have: I was watching the first season of Gilmore Girls tonight (you know, the DVD I referred to earlier) and it was Rory’s birthday. Now, her grandmother sent invitations to all the people in her class that she doesn’t like. This normally would be terrible, except that they showed an invitation on the screen, and (this is probably my favorite part of this day) her birthday is OCTOBER 8th! Now, to those of you who don’t realize the significance of this date, let me give you a hint: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY ON OCTOBER 8th!! So, starting on Sunday, my birthday week begins! (I will explain the concept of the birthday week on my next blog.)

Now that I have so much guilt I think that I will start sponsoring a child. That will appease my conscience for a few weeks. Sorry, don’t mean to be too ranty. It’s just the mix of this song and my mind over-thinking. (or am I over-thinking? hmmmmmm)

Honesty and other policies

I think I'm going to start a new section of my blog: current music selection. I listen to a lot of music, and what I'm listening to often indicates what mood I'm in, so I think I'm going to start each blog with a "music" section. So, to begin:

Listening to: Oh Holy Night. By: so far, Celine Dion, Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey (slightly embarrassed about the last two), Kelly Clarkson... and a few others.

I have a feeling that this blog will be a little less than coherent. Not that my little rants are normally very well thought out, but this time I have a whole bunch of little things bouncing around in my mind and they need to come out somewhere, so this screen is going to be my victim.

First of all, I'd like to say that honesty, although the best policy is not the easiest one. I firmly believe that it’s always the right thing to be truthful, however sometimes it sucks. I wish that life was easy and decisions were easy and that explaining them to people was easy, but none of that is easy, and sometimes that is hard. Hurting people is hard, even though it’s sometimes necessary.

Well, the last few paragraphs were written yesterday at about 6:00 pm. Now its 3:44 September 26. I went to class today, and came home, and finished watching the pilot of the Gilmore Girls and eating some nachos and cheese for lunch, and now I should go do some reading for my classes.

There's been a lot of thinking involved in my life lately. Thinking about guys, and how complicated that can all be. I would recommend never needing to break up with someone. It just makes things hard and it hurts people. I would recommend meeting "the one" and being sure of them right away and dating for an appropriate amount of time, and getting engaged and smiling a lot and getting married and having 2.3 children and having a very happy and sterile life. It would make things so much easier if we came with little tags when we were born that said "Your name is Hannah and you will marry Bob so-and-so." Then you would google your future spouse and meet when you turned 18, so that dating could take place as necessary. I am definitely going to suggest this for the future. Finding your own person is just way too hard. I hate it.

Of course, my belief that there isn't just one person chosen for each person does sort of thwart the previous theory, but whatever. I'm allowed to have contradictory theories if I want to. I'm blonde - it comes with the territory.

I think that this little rant is going to turn into one of those "where are all the good Christian guys" things. Recently, a Christian guy told me that for the most part, Christian guys are not necessarily not interested in dating, they are just lacking in the "balls" department. (Mom is going to be upset that I used the term "balls" but to say that they are just scared doesn't really get the point across does it?) My dad wants me to write a book about Christian guys in the world today. Not that I've had a lot of experience dating these guys, however it’s more my (and other girls I know) lack of experience that is the subject of my book. The problem is that if I write it now I think that I will come across as a bitter and cynical feminist or something. I am not bitter or a feminist though, in real life, but I am a cynic and so if I could just write like a cynic then I would do alright. Another problem is that if I wait until I finally meet that guy and things are peachy then I won't want to write the book, or I'll be writing the book wearing rose-colored glasses. It will be one of those books that good little Christian girls read that basically says: I know it seems hopeless girls, but you'll meet your man someday - I did, and it’s wonderful! Then all good Christian girls run to the bathroom and throw up because they've been fed that line so often that their body is physically rejecting it.

Ha ha. I just read what I have written so far, and it makes me laugh. Oh, well. I hope some of you get a kick out of my ranting.

I’ve been missing home a lot lately. I know my mom knows this, because I’ve been calling every day and trying to think of fun stories so that I have an excuse to call. I’m sure she is slightly annoyed by me, but that’s ok. You’d think that I would be embarrassed to be 22 and excited to call my parents, but I’m not. They’re pretty fun people, and I like them! I can’t wait for Thanksgiving. My house will be decorated, and it will smell like turkey and stuffing, and my grandparents will be there, and everything will be wonderful. Plus, my birthday is the Saturday before, which means that I get presents! (Not to sound selfish or anything). In any case – I suppose that I should get some reading done. Or maybe take a nap. It’s a toss up. Maybe just a little nap. Then I’ll get up, make coffee and be good and study all evening. Yes, that is a great plan. Naps are my mom’s cure for everything. Feeling stressed? Have a power nap. Feeling sad? Power nap. Feeling apathetic? Power nap. And in case you are wondering – Feeling sleepy? Power nap. So whenever I should be studying and instead am tired and want to procrastinate, I call mom and she says “just have a quick power nap,” and then I can have a nice guilt free nap because mom said so.

So, good night to you all. I’ll be up in ½ an hour! (or maybe a couple ½ an hours.)

September 21: Christmas Music

Well, I have 11 minutes before I have to leave to go to class. I try to leave 45 minutes before my class starts, which gives me 20 or 25 minutes to get there, 10 minutes to find parking, 10 minutes to walk to class and usually about 5 minutes to spare. I hate students who consistently come in late, or even right when the prof starts talking. Like the world should stop for them.

10 minutes: I don’t know what it is about this time of year. School is back in, the leaves are turning, and us Zacharias women start listening to Christmas music. I used to tease my mom mercilessly about this little habit of hers, and now at the age of 22 (for a couple more weeks) I am doing the same thing. Today, I actually wished it would snow! What am I turning in to?! I used to think that I could move somewhere that it would never snow and I would be happy. I could just visit mom and dad in the blustery north a couple of weeks a year and that would be my snow allotment. Today I’m re-thinking that line. I was listening to The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole this morning and I realized that I love the way I grew up. I love it that my house smelled like fall in the fall, and like Christmas at Christmas (and sometimes like fall and Christmas in the spring and summer).

6 minutes: I actually have found myself wanting to decorate recently. And not “interior design” decorate, either. I want to hang fall type garlands, and wreaths, and buy candles that smell like pumpkins and other fall scents. I think I might! (I mean the candles – I’m not sure how excited my roommate would be to come home to a house overtaken by fall.) I don’t know what is happening to me. But I like it.

4 minutes: I listened to “Oh Holy Night” on 3 different cd’s this morning – Nat King Cole, Trans Siberian Orchestra, and Point of Grace. It is BY FAR my favorite Christmas song. I think that I’m going to download it by as many people as I can find, and make a whole cd with just one song, over and over. Ooooooo – now I’m excited. It will be my favorite.

2 minutes: Confession: this is not the first time in the last few weeks that I’ve listened to Christmas music. Ha ha ha.

1 minute: better post this, and go to class.

Clay Pigeons and I

Sometimes I think that God must have had a lot of fun picking personalities for all of us. We are all some strange combination of our parent’s personalities, with a bunch of life and other “nurture” stuff thrown in, and then we “are who we are.” My mom, for instance: she is the world’s greatest wife and homemaker, the best person I know at anything that is stereotypically feminine and kind. Similarly, Dad is the best guy at anything “manly,” and his personality complements his abilities.

Then there is me.

You would think that I might have gotten the best of both of them. But no. Instead I’m talkative, loud and opinionated, like my father, and slightly crazy (but fun) like my mom. Instead of getting Dad’s decisiveness and mom’s desire to work in the kitchen and provide nourishing meals for her family, I got Mom’s quirks and Dad’s voice. Lovely.

On Monday I spent the day at home. Mom and Alician were in the kitchen making applesauce out of the crab apples they had picked, and Dad and Dan were outside shooting trap. And where was I?

Shooting Trap.

Again, could I BE more feminine? Sometimes I think it’s no wonder that I don’t have a boyfriend. I have some “feminine” qualities, and some “masculine.” Is it really that much of a surprise when I am called “intimidating?” I don’t think so. Considering that I have done more “guy” stuff than many guys have, and I’m not as good at most “girl” stuff as most girls are, I’m actually not that shocked at my dating history.

Not that I plan on changing anything.

I like that I can do stuff that most girls can’t. I love it that I’ve had “guy” jobs, and that I’m not afraid of guys in general. I don’t really like it that it’s not this innate desire to be in the kitchen providing for my “future husband,” but I also think that this comes with the territory, and when I have that sort of a person in my life I will enjoy (or at least not dread) doing those things that are generally filled by the role of the wife.

My personality has helped me out in some ways though, and I’m not complaining about who I am either. I am very thankful that I’m more of a “leader” than a “follower,” and I am also very thankful that I’ve managed to make relatively good decisions throughout my life without making 20 wrong ones first.

It’s just interesting what God makes of two completely different people, and how some strange combination of DNA and environment can create a person unlike any other person in the entire world.

By the way – trap shooting is really fun, and I did manage to hit 2 out of the 12 or 13 (or maybe 14 or 15) clay pigeons. Hey, I just said it was fun, not that I was any good!

Major Events and Chairs

Now, I realize that two posts in one day is sort of overkill for me, but I have realized that there has been a major event in my life that I have not mentioned. I have noticed that I don’t really talk about what happens in my life, more just what I’m thinking about. This actual, tangible event, though, deserves a little recognition. Yesterday, I went school supply shopping. This event, usually taking place several weeks before I start a new school year, is the single most exciting shopping trip of the year. I have a deep love and affection for office supplies of all kinds. I am not biased towards one brand over another. Pencils, Pens, Erasers, PAPER, oh my! White-out, HIGHLIGHTERS, dividers, report covers…. It’s all so exciting!

For me, it’s better than buying clothing, food, technology, makeup, or jewelry. To open a new highlighter is to open up a whole world of possibilities. My favorite line in “You’ve Got Mail” is not at the end where Meg Ryan says that she had hoped it was Tom Hanks who was emailing her all along, it’s right at the beginning where he’s writing about New York in the fall, and how he’d send her a bouquet of pencils if he knew her address! A whole bouquet! Now, wouldn’t that be lovely! It would be better than flowers for me! School supplies are fresh, and they don’t go bad after a few days. They can last all year long!

What a joyful occasion in my life. Don’t get me wrong - I love shopping in general. I love new stuff, no matter what it is. Literally. I can buy a new bottle of Tylenol and be excited at the fullness of it, and the fact that I get to open the seal all by myself. I even love opening cans with a can opener, because whatever’s inside has never been seen before by any shopper. I love taking tags off new clothes, and assembling whatever I’ve recently acquired from Ikea. But there is nothing quite like school supplies.

I just thought I’d share that with everyone.

Also, I spun around on office chairs in Staples. You have to try them out. It’s just not right to walk by and leave them sitting there all alone.

Cliques and Geeks

Well, I guess the point of this blog has become a bit hazy. At first it was to keep people updated about what was happening in my life, and to give people a bit of a different perspective when it comes to me. Now it’s more of a journal type thing, which other people read. So, I feel like I need to update it not just to keep people up-to-date on my life activities, but also because I need an outlet. Strange that my outlet is this super-public website, barred to no one.

Today’s topic is going to be cliques, with maybe a few cryptic other-type thoughts thrown in.

Cliques are something that most girls in the world, including me, are intimately familiar with. I grew up in a church that was known as a “clique-y” church, and I was part of an almost impenetrable clique for most of junior high and high school. Cliques are nothing to complain about if you’re part of one. And I was, and I knew it. We weren’t mean to other people (ie. Girls) but we didn’t make any attempt to include other people in our “circle of friends.” We knew we were that way, and because we were content with how things were, we didn’t change anything. College changed things a bit, but I think that girls naturally form these super-close knit groups with each other. We are built for relationships with other people, so we like having the security of a “best friend” or a “clique.” Quite often there are even “cliques” within cliques that are only known to those who are part of them.

Cliques are also terrible things. When you aren’t part of them then you feel left out, lonely and confused, wondering what you can do to become part of it, or what you did to get left out of it. Girls in general (or maybe it’s just me) tend to have lower rather than higher self esteem. We say things like “It doesn’t matter to me that I’m not going” or “I don’t want to hang out with them anyways” and tell our best friends the truth, that we’re hurt and sad. Eventually what we say becomes truth though. We stop caring. We harden our hearts and what other people do or don’t invite us to doesn’t matter, or if it does, we barely feel it anymore. Sometimes the strength of women doesn’t come from their heart, it comes from being forced to deal with hard stuff, and therefore become hard themselves. This isn’t the way it should be, but this is the world, and this is life, we tell ourselves.

Cliques are about comfort if you’re in one. Cliques are about confusion if you’re not. And people are selfish, and oblivious, and I’m a cynic. So when it comes to changing this, I’ll watch out for myself, and try and be inclusive, but I have no faith in people realizing where they’re at themselves, and examining into their own hearts.

As far as my own life goes, recently, I’ve been content. Not in upheaval in my heart, and not worried. It’s been nice to have a bit of peace. Being single again is nice, honestly. Not because I get some sick pleasure from hurting guys, but because, for now, it’s where I need to be. The future is the future, and I’m deciding to rely on God for today and for whatever tomorrow holds.

I can’t believe it, but I’m actually excited to go back to school. Not because I hate work (I actually really like my job) but because it’s the beginning of the end of school, and because I’ve got some really good classes this fall. I’m taking a couple Anthropology classes about the cultures of Middle America and West Africa, as well as a history class that should cover the reformation and stuff that I’m interested in, and a religion class on early Christian writings! I’m so excited! I love options! I think I’m going to be one of those people who keep learning through their whole life – I think they call that geekiness. So I guess you can be clique-y and geeky.

Thinking about today...

I figure if I’m in front of a computer all day, it’s as good a time as any to update my blog. It’s been a while, and as usual, things have changed again. Not everything, but some things. I’m still as busy as ever, and I still feel like I need about a week off of life, but that’s not about to happen any time soon. I think I should plan a trip for next summer, and that will be the one big thing for me to look forward to. Maybe I’ll just drive, and see where I end up. I wish that I knew a lot more about cars, then I could go by myself, and not worry about breaking down, but at least I have AMA.

I need to become more spontaneous. If there is one thing I am NOT it is spontaneous. My life is planned, and I pretty much know what I’m doing for the next several years. This is not only due to my lack of spontaneity, but also due to a lack of money and the necessity to pay off student loans and other forms of debt I’ve incurred while my living expenses have been higher than my income.

I’m not really that spontaneous in relationships either. Which is why, though I might have jumped into one, it took me only 3 short weeks to jump back out. I don’t think I ended things with no reason, or even that starting this relationship was a complete mistake. There was just too much I was unsure about, and stuff that I couldn’t get over quite yet. Being in a relationship is fun, don’t get me wrong. Having someone who somehow thinks that you are worth hanging out with as much as possible, and who doesn’t see the worst in you isn’t something to complain about.

The thing is, my mind doesn’t usually just stay “in the moment.” My mind works pretty linearly – and so regarding time, I tend to think in the future. This isn’t always an asset when it comes to relationships, because this means that I think of the future in things when I’ve only been dating for a few days really, and if that future is hazy, I get scared. I’m not good at unknowns in life; I like control. So, in this case, I wasn’t sure about things, and I don’t like to put off the inevitable. I want to make sure what I’m doing is right, and not just hope that it will become right in the future.

It sucks, don’t get me wrong. Breaking up is not the easiest thing in the world to do; in fact, it’s probably one of the hardest. Breaking up with someone as great as the guy I broke up with is both much harder than your stereotypical break up (if there is there such a thing), and at the same time, much easier. On one hand, I knew that breaking up with this guy was the right thing for the time being, and that he would just take it and not be mad at me. I knew he would suck it up, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to argue with him to end things. On the other hand, it’s unbelievably hard to knowingly hurt someone who thinks the world of you, and who you think the world of. There are a lot of terrible things I would rather do than break up with someone who has never wanted less than the best for you.

That’s another thing. Nothing changed while we were dating. He didn’t do anything “wrong” to make me NEED to break up with him. I probably shouldn’t have started a relationship with him when I did, I should have waited till I was more sure of things in the first place, but I didn’t. And then I got to back track, which is a very hard thing to do.


I suppose I’m relatively content with where things are now. NOT being in a relationship but still being friends is tough, considering that some stuff becomes habit, but I think that we can handle it. As far as the future goes (there I go again – thinking in a line) who knows? There’s always hope that it will all work out, but for now, I need to concentrate on today (which seems to be pretty much impossible).

What is there to say?

I'm a bit afraid. Can life just continue to get better, or is something going to go terribly wrong soon? I hope not.

We were planning on waiting till the end of the summer to officially date. That didn't work out so well. So, now I have a boyfriend. Interesting, and so much fun!

There's not much to add. I'm actually looking forward to the fall, because this summer is so busy. By September 10th, I'll have gone to 5 weddings and will have been away for at least 7 or 8 weekends. My life is crazy, and I feel like I pass up a lot of parties just to hang out at home! Ha ha.

With the fall though, things will slow down a bit, I hope. I will still have busy days, but i should have some time to relax. Maybe... hopefully...

Hopeful

Well, life is pretty stellar right now. I’m so content, and so happy, and I find myself just grinning to myself randomly. I feel a bit like a geek when that happens, but not too bad. I think I can deal with the perma-smile, though, as long as stuff in my life keeps going in the same direction as it is now.

I’m going home in a week or so for the long weekend to see my family. I haven’t been home since June, so I’m pretty excited. My little nephew will be another month and a half older, my grandparents are up from the States, and I get to spend Saturday on the farm relaxing. I can’t wait for the down-time.

I love not having anything to complain about. I don’t think that I’m giddy, but I’m just full of happiness. Even stuff in my life that does sort of suck, like debt, and going back to school in a month or so just doesn’t seem all that bad.

This is sort of a boring entry today. It’s a “yay for me, my life is fun” one, which really doesn’t explain why life is so great. I’m just so excited about where my life is heading, and to see what happens in the next year or two.

I’m meeting some friends of a good friend in a few weeks. This good friend is becoming very important to me, and I think that me meeting his friends is important to him, and I don’t want them to think I’m completely ditzy or a "bad match" for this friend of mine. So, I’m a bit nervous. What my friends think of this friend is important to me, so it’s understandable that what his friends think of me would be important to him. What if they hate me!?!?! That scares me.

I don’t think they will, but I haven’t met his family yet either. What if his friends don’t like me? It’s not exactly a good omen for meeting his family! All of this stuff is so new to me. It’s strange being nervous to meet people, because I’m never nervous. I’m relatively outgoing, and usually get along with people. I just don’t want to feel like I have to prove something.

But that’s the worst worry in my life right now. I don’t exactly have a lot to be upset about. And that’s the way I like it.

Baby Cool Your Jets

Today was good. It was great actually. One of the interesting things about having an excessive personality is that you hit extremes sometimes. When I woke up this morning I never would have guessed how it would end. But it ended so much better than I figured it would when it began.

I realized some stuff about a relationship, thanks to a good friend and my big mouth and my blog. Then I freaked out (thats the excessiveness in me) about the speed of things, and didn't know what to do. Then I spilled my guts to the guy I freaked out about, and felt a bit better, and then I talked and talked and talked.

In any case, it was all very necessary, and calming. Sometimes I wonder why people are friends with me. I can be so far up and then so far down, and then I hit this calm where things are a bit more clear, and I'm sure all of this changing makes people confused...

Things in my life needed to slow down, and they will. There's still hope for the future, but the future isn't tomorrow, or even next month. I have time now and I was able to be honest and just talk, and somehow what I said made some sense to who it needed to make sense to.

I just want to press pause sometimes and slow down. My life seems like a freight train this summer, and I need to hit the brakes before I jump the track I think. Tonight that started to happen, and after tomorrow this whole pulling back thing is going to spread to other parts of my life. It has to, or I'm going to go even more crazy than I already am.

To all who are friends with me: thanks for putting up with me. I'm all over the board, and I feel like I just need someone to stop me. So thanks. I know I'm a bit much to deal with sometimes.

(And to Rosie: you are exactly what I needed today. You rock, and I hope you know how special you are.)

Possibilities ....

It’s been a while since I added anything of any significance to this little online “Hannah tell-all” and some people (Hi Rosie) have been bugging me to update it. The thing is, I need 2 things to be able to update this blog. The first is time, and the second is a subject. Since today work is really slow, and I’m here all alone, I finally have time, and because of some strange turns of events and realizations that have happened in the last week or two, I think I have a subject. Its probably going to be one of those cryptic, few people will get it types, I think, but if you really want to know what its all about then you probably know me enough to know my phone number and you can just call. Its not that I’m very secretive, it just seems weird to publish names and stuff when they aren’t my own, and maybe it makes stuff easier to talk about when it’s not so blatant?

So, things in life a good. Pretty great in fact. I’ve done A LOT of thinking over the last month or so, and dealt with fun subjects such as “what does God want for me?” and “what do I really want in a guy?” and things like that. Of course, I seem to pray a lot more when things are more intense in life, but I’m very at peace about where all my thinking and praying got me. I can look forward to the future a bit more now. I have hopes that might actually come true someday.

For the first time, there is someone in my life who I can see a future with, who might actually see the same thing in me. This thought completely freaks me out, because I don’t really know where things are going with him, or when, and I’ve never actually had a long term relationship. At the same time I’m completely excited about finding out what’s going to happen with this, and where it might end up!

There is always more to relationships than “he likes me and I like him.” There are things I’m still unsure about, and I’m sure there are things about me that he is unsure about, but at least I can talk to him. I’m not jumping into anything with him or moving too fast by any stretch of the imagination, nor am I idealistic that the way will be paved. I’m just happy with how things are now, and interested to see what will happen.

Who knows?

Update

Update: The consequenses for that last little endeavor were minimal, thank goodness. I was worried for little or no reason. I will probably never know what people thought, but I do know that most people don't verbalize their every thought, like I seem to do accidentaly.

The Fallout

I'm a bit of an impulsive person. Not with major expensive decisions, but with small, spur of the moment types. This sometimes gets me in trouble, because I don't always think before I make these wonderful decisions. Thankfully I haven't made any life changing non-thinking decisions yet, in fact, its been a while since I made any that had any consequences whatsoever. That is until last night. I made a quick stupid decision and 10 minutes later, after I thought it through, I completely regretted it. This decision probably won't alter the course of history, or even REALLY the course of my life. It might affect me today though, and possibly one other person's day, who it also sort of involved. I don't mean to be so secretive, but I'm pretty embarrassed that I did what I did. It wasn't something terrible, or a sin or anything, it was just a stupid thing to do at the time. In any case, I have to go to work, cross my fingers and dread the fallout.

The Phantom of the Opera

So, I ended up with a person anyways. I met my friend at walmart and then we went to Safeway and then Blockbuster to try and rent Hitch. As you may have guessed by the title, we didn't actually end up seeing Hitch, because there were none there, but joy of joys, it was a guarenteed rental, so I get to rent it free at some point in the near future.

We actually watched The Phantom of the Opera, which both she and I have seen several times, and we also both have the soundtrack. I love the music. Its so romantic and intense. I want to be so in love with someone someday that we just randomly break out into song. (Or at least the thought crosses our minds - I'm not sure I should just break out into song without warning people).

I actually find the Phantom more desirable than Raul in the movie. They chose a very manly Phantom, and left Raul more soft and feminine. I have long accepted the fact that I love "man's man" types of guys, and the Phantom is one of these, even with severe facial issues. I think I could get over those issues, if need be. Unfortunately he has some pretty deep seated emotional baggage that may require counselling at some point in his life. That could put a kink in our new found relationship.

Ah well. It is time to sleep yet again. I have to teach Sunday school in the morning, and that requires me to be at church at 8:45. Not exactly rising with the sun, but for a weekend it is relatively early. Good night!

What do you do?

Say you have a day. One day to do anything you want. It rains, so you don't really want to go outside, but otherwise you can do whatever you want. Thats my day today. I had one plan today: at 11:00 I had to go to Blessings and look at Bible Study books. Mission accomplished. I was home by 12:30, and the rest of my day was clear.

I watched Orange County, a movie from a few years ago about a kid who wants to be a writer. Then I had a nap, while the guy who was fixing our bathroom made loud noises with various air compressors and other machines. It was the strangest thing. I would momentarily wake up whenever a new noise started and then fall right back asleep. I slept from like 2:00 till 5:00. What a waste of a day, some might say. I think I just needed the sleep. I feel pretty great right now, except for the fact that I just finished a bag of chips, and I usually feel lousy after I eat chips. I sometimes wonder why I keep eating them, when I know I feel gross after.

Now I'm writing in this blog, with the end of The Breakfast Club playing in the background. I've seen it before so I don't really need to watch it to know whats happening. Now the question is: What will I do this evening? Some of my friends are out for supper, then Bowling and Bingo. I could definitely go with them, and probably have a lot of fun. I could probably call other friends and do something else with them, maybe see a movie or something. As great as all these people are though, there is something inside me that just wants to be alone for one night. I'm never alone. Not that being with my roommate is bad. I'm at least with her most of the time, and she's the greatest. I never feel crowded or anything.

I could go for a run in the rain. It would probably be refreshing (for the 2 minutes that I could last running until I have a heart attack and have to walk) but it also requires that I change, and honestly, I don't want to wreck my hair. I happen to like it today, and being in the rain makes it go super curly and crazy.

A friend of mine that I haven't talked to in a long time is going to call me in a minute. I was just talking to him on msn. I'm excited! Then I think I'll go to walmart. he he. I love walmart

In other news . . .

Tonight was great. Erica and I made dinner for a friend, and he made our website look a million times better. So, if you are interested in a heck of a lot of pictures, check it out: www.theblondes.org

I love the fact that guys, as a rule of thumb, will work for food. So, to Colin and Kevin: Thanks, hope the food was worth the work!

New thoughts

I learned some things about me today, and about guys, and about me and guys. It was a bit of an eye opener for me I guess. I don't really know how to react to new realizations, especially when they are about me.

I generally don't think of myself as someone who affects guys. I'm not one of those girls who walks down the street and knows when guys are looking at her, or who walks into a room and makes heads turn. So when I got a warning from a friend today about something I was doing, and how it might not be completely appropriate around the company I was with, I was a bit floored. Then I felt really guilty, because I hate girls that act a certain way just to get attention from guys, and I really really don't want to become someone like that.

I also became aware of how I talk to certain guys as well, today. I know I'm a bit of a flirt, but I always figured that it was because I am a naturally talkative person, and nothing has ever resulted from my flirting, so I don't think of it as a problem. The last thing I would ever want to do is to lead someone on, and end up hurting them. But, I realized today that maybe what I say and how I say it does have an affect on some guys. Perhaps not many, but there may be one or two. I don't want to hurt anyone, or be a negative influence in anyones life, so it was a tough thing for me to learn.

So, by the end of the day, I felt like I had grown up somehow, and lost something, a naive part of me that I won't ever get again. And I'm not mad at the person who made me aware of these things, I'm just kicking myself for not realizing them sooner. And I guess I'm a bit sad about it, because now I know I will be so much more aware of what I say, and what I do around guys, and I really enjoy just being able to relax and just have a good time, and not worry about that sort of stuff. I grew up a bit today, and I feel older because of it.

Not so bad

Recently, my life has seemed upside down and complicated on the inside, but relatively serene (well, as serene as I get) on the outside. Tonight it doesn't seem so funny. Tonight it seems more ahhhhhh. Like I can breathe, and I don't have to think about the implications in taking that breath. Its nice, what can I say? I'm going to get up, and take a nice walk in the morning, and life will be positive, though still relatively complicated.

Its a matter of choice, you see. I can choose to be discouraged and frustrated about things I can't really control (which is most of the time), or I can choose to be content, and keep moving forward in life, regardless of the twists and turns that happen. And I'm going to choose the latter. I can decide, I think, to accept that God has made me who I am, and that He has allowed things to happen in my life that don't always make sense. Because if strange things that I might not be able to handle on my own happen, well, we have a great God, and He is so able to handle everything. So this is me, giving my troubles to God, yet again.

Changes

Well, things have changed, as they have a tendancy to do. And this was no simple change, but one of those complicated, where do I go from here types. Not that anything has actually changed on the outside. In fact, the changes are the kind that I can't even really talk about except to a few people, who know me very very well. And I'm not even that good at keeping secrets! So far, like 3 people know, 4 if you count the person who caused the changes, and I guess 5 if you count me.

I guess the changes are the kind that affect you inside. My life looks the same, but it really isn't. You see, the thing that changed is something that happens so rarely for me, that I am going to rememeber it for a long long time. In fact, I can count the number of times this has happened to me in any significant way on one hand. And then ususally I just remember it, and my life goes back to "normal" which isn't interesting or fun, but it is less to think about.

I guess its kinda fun having a tiny bit of a soap opera myself, instead of living my life vicariously through my friends, who usually have much more interesting stories. And the attention isn't bad either. It's just the constant thinking that is strange. Usually I can get stuff off my mind pretty quick, but, like I said, this sort of thing doesn't happen often, and therefore has more of a tendancy to stick with me. And its the kind of thing I want to keep a secret, which I'm bad at, because I'm self-involved and like talking about my life. Which is basically why this blog works so well, if a bit cryptically, at least for tonight.

Some Advice

So, I've been thinking about guys, and what I would say to them if I could be really really honest with them. And this is what I came up with:

If you want a girl to like you, treat her like a million bucks.

Make her believe that she is the only person capable of making you feel the way you feel about her. Don't just buy stuff for her all the time, or say how pretty she is. Just act like it. Complements and material possesions are great, but if girls don't know by your actions how valuable they are to you then all the praise in the world means nothing.

If a guy made me feel like I was so special to him, and so important to him, that his life would never be the same without me, it would be very very hard for me to turn him down. Girls just want to feel like they are important to someone.

That's it. Pretty simple.

Girlfriends and Country Music

There is one thing that really annoys me. It annoys me beyond belief. It annoys me because it is my nemesis: the one enemy I can never escape. This is that thing: every single guy who I have ever seriously liked (and most that I have maybe-sort-of liked) has had a girlfriend. I suppose it could mean that I like decent guys, I mean, they were at least good enough to get some girl to like them back. It makes no difference to me though, because I am NOT that girl. Ever. This is (lamely) one of my biggest annoyances in life. I guess I just figure that I am not that terrible, and if I am even pretty normal then why is there no available guys who it makes sense to date? Aside from a few guys in my past, a couple that were actually pretty great, I don't even get asked out. What could be that wrong with me? I wish someone would just tell me, and then I could fix it. Nothing like posting your insecurities on the internet, huh?

I suppose that is why Country music was invented. It makes you feel like dancing when you know you are about to cry, and it lets you cry when you really need to. Its never angry or yelling, and you never turn it off more mad than when you started listening to it. In the house that I grew up in, there was Christian music, and next best was Country. Rock, Punk, and Dance were, for the most part, bad and worldly. But not Country. It was the music of God's country. It has changed a bit since then, but to me, it's still completely necessary. I guess I'm thankful that I did grow up in a place where it wasn't "uncool" to listen to country, because no matter what anyone says, I'm still going to like it.

Country music was invented for girls like me. Girls with bad luck, who need help sometimes, and would rather die than pay someone to tell them they are unbalanced. Girls like me who have more insecurities than people know, but who sometimes just need to let go.

My worry is that I'm actually the only girl that thinks this way. Maybe I am not a girl that guys even contemplate dating. Maybe its NOT just that I'm not easy, or that I'm a little bit fat, or even that I'm intimidating. Maybe it's something much bigger and deeper, something that is so very wrong with me that my inner soul doesn't even know it. Thats what really scares me.

That's my little rant for the night. To summarize: why are there no good single guys, thank goodness for country music, and could it be that I am inherently undatable?

Fun Days and Bad Moods

What an interesting day it has been. I have been at a seminar for work for the last 2 days. I have a great job that I really can't tell anyone about in any detail. I'm not like CIA or something (but wouldn't that be cool?) but it would sort of be a conflict of interest I suppose. And, as this thing is semi-public, I probably shouldn't elabourate. Not that it would actually matter, because the only people who check this know what it is I do anyways.

Anyways, I saw the Queen in person yesterday, and I was probably within 4 or 5 feet of her. She even looked at me and I smiled. I met so many different people, who I talk to on the phone all the time, so it was great to put faces to phone numbers. This morning I went to a few lectures and stuff and then a few of us went to the Olive Garden and Ikea this afternoon. I bought a new desk organizer type thingy, and new hangers and a new lawn-lounger thing as well. Boy, I am not good at describing them. Unfortunately, just saying the name of what I bought isn't going to help, because all the merchandise at Ikea has names that don't make sense in english, like FIRA and MACKIS. In any case, I'm happy with my new purchases, and now my desk looks much prettier.

Unfortunately, I'm in a bad mood also. It is lame, but I had my feelings hurt by a couple friends, and I'm sucky at confrontation, so when I did talk to one of them I cried, because thats my natural reaction when under almost any type of stress. You might say, she is just a girl, that's what all girls do, but I honestly didn't used to be like this. Admittedly, I could never watch a movie without crying (even StarWars episode 6, embarrasingly enough). However, in normal conversation, and especially when I'm mad at someone, I used to be able to be stern and even yell when necessary, and stay completely angry. Now I have absolutely no control, and I just lose it. I'm a complete basket case. I wonder if perhaps I need professional help - ha ha.

So, if you were me, what would you do if you were in a bad mood? Well, write about it of course, and then post it on a website for everyone you know to read. Because that will help the situation- really. Somehow, writing is cathartic for me though. And maybe I shouldn't be posting these sorts of things for my friends to read, but maybe its ok, becuase that way I don't have to tell them what I'm really feeling, and they can know anyway. Writing on this website seems to happen when I'm tired, frustrated, sad or just mellow. Possibly not the best times to be writing, considering my reputation for happiness and perkyness, but whatever. I'm sure my lovely reputation will live, regardless of this posting.

Whyte and Boys

What do frisbees, Whyte Ave, harmonicas and Vanilla Bean Lattes all have in common? They were all part of my evening. It was fun to play frisbee, but then we went to Whyte and then it wasn't so much fun at first, and then it was just interesting. All sorts of people trying to impress other people, mostly by what they look like. I feel sorry for these people, because they think that their value lies in what other people think of them. I don't think I'm better (or any different on some days) but I'm glad that I have assurance that I'm important to someone, even when it doesn't really seem like it. Which brings me to my next point.

What is wrong with guys these days? (Ha ha, that sounds very male bashing and feminist.) Let me clarify. I love guys and I am not really a feminist at all. But, the question remains . . . what is wrong with them? I hang out with a group of girls who are all single. (minus one who is fly fishing with her boyfriend this weekend). Now, you might assume that my friends and I have something wrong with us, perhaps we are hermits, or mentally unbalanced (which actually may be possible, but it is pretty doubtfull), or maybe, just maybe we are all oddly shaped or (*gasp*) ugly. The thing is, we really aren't. Now I am no supermodel, that is for sure, however I don't think that I'm the strangest looking person on the planet either. As for the rest of my friends, even discounting me and my singleness, they are all very pretty and maybe a tad more normal than I.

So, therein lies the confusion. If we are all relatively normal, above-average looking girls, then why are we all unattached? It is not as if we have a sign blinking above our heads that says that we are unavailable. Its not even that we're just unattached. Its that aside from a few drunk guys on the street, we aren't getting asked out either. What has become of the male half of society? Are girls THAT intimidating as a group that it just isn't worth it to risk pride to find out if a girl likes a guy back? Are guys really just not "ready" to settle down until they are 30? Are there enough girls who make themselves blatantly available that quality guys don't have to do the work anymore?

I don't know. I don't want you to think that I am bitter or angry, just a bit sad and awfully confused. Where are the quality guys, and what has happened to them that they just aren't going for the quality girls?

CSI, OC and other Acronyms

Would I be lame enough to write about pop-culture television shows? Absolutely. I am nothing if not lame. (And addicted to several Thursday night shows). Thank goodness for finales. At least I can pretend that I am above television dramas and other emotion sucking stories that drag you into their lair through the powerful force I like to call . . . well, I don't actually have a name for it, I was just going to try and sound smart.

I suppose you could say I'm an emotional person (I didn't used to be - its a bit embarrasing now), or perhaps I have an addictive personality (which is why it is good I never started drinking heavily). Maybe that is why every year I say I will not get addicted to any shows, and why every year I end up with one or more that I must watch at least 3 nights of the week. This year it wasn't AS bad, but having a roommate that is possibly more TV addicted that I didn't help.

I wish I could be one of those people who "doesn't watch much tv" or "doesn't have time for it." I always wished I was an artsyish sort of person, who knew all the good new indie sort of bands, and all the neat grungy sort of coffee shops, but I'm not. As much as I hate it, I have to admit that I'm more than just a bit mainstream. Not only am I NOT artsy, but I don't play the guitar, I don't occasionally paint, and I (*gasp*) have a science degree. (I suppose it is to my benefit that I am not actually using it at this point in time). I also like a few bands I shouldn't I suppose, and I drink A LOT of Tim Hortons coffee. (Addictive personality + low on funds = necessity for cheap-but-decent coffee).

I should really sleep. I always end up writing these things at night when I'm tired and probably too honest. Oh, and by the way - CSI was intense, and I cried in The OC. Then I called Lindsay and discussed the implications of the end of the show - which I will not give away.

Split Personalities and other Disorders

Writing in these things is a bit strange. Almost selfish. I have decided to devote a whole space of information on the internet to me. Just me. What I do, what I think, what I feel. I guess that there is a choice people can make: to read or not to read, but regardless of their choice, this very space is still me.

I just finished reading a book. Well, a whole series actually. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, by Ann Brashares. I know, there is a movie coming out soon, so it it very cliche for me to be reading them right at this very moment. Oh, well. There really isn't a lot I can do about that. The fact is that I have read them (there are 3 books), and I loved them, and I sort of miss them now that I am done. Books to me are the great escape. They are a way to forget my flaws, my issues, my insecurities, and become someone different.

I normally find myself identifying with some character in the book. In these I really really wanted to identify with Bridget, and in some ways I suppose I did. She is outgoing, blonde, tall and talkative. However, she is also extremely athletic and completely fearless, of which I am neither. Who I am like at a deeper level is Carmen. She has a quick mouth that gets her in trouble, she feels things very deeply, maybe more deeply than most people know. Carmen will fight for what she wants and knows is right. She has a tendancy to be selfish though, and has two alter-ego's "Good-Carmen" and "Bad-Carmen." I have the same two personalities.

I can be good Hannah (which is the Hannah that most people know, and that many people think defines me). Good Hannah is perky, smiles, laughes, dances and flys. Good Hannah is Loud and Fun. Good Hannah is who I am in public most of the time, and at home some of the time. Good Hannah is who most people would write about if they were asked to write a paragraph on who I was.

The other part of me isn't Bad Hannah, as much as it is just Plain Hannah. Plain Hannah isn't fun and crazy and bouncing off the walls, she is the one that writes and thinks and walks. Plain Hannah sees creation and is amazed, but is quiet. Plain Hannah is the one that can sit in the car in silence, listening to road sounds and be settled. Most people don't know Plain Hannah, but I like her best. She is the one that my husband will fall in love with and who he will write about.

(There is also Bad Hannah - but she hides most of the time, and I am hoping that she goes away sometime). Ha ha.

Cities and Mountains

I just got back from a weekend in Calgary and Banff. I think that maybe I'll move there someday - Calgary I mean. What a beautiful drive home this evening! The sun was shining through the clouds, and the grass and trees are turning green, everything is finally alive again!

I saw my parents in Banff and they took me and Erica and Denise for lunch, and then on a carriage ride around the town. Our drivers name was Ron and he wore a cowboy hat, and we got a picture with him! (We took A LOT of pictures this weeked) The mountains amaze me. I mean, it's like these huge rocks just jutting out of the ground - like someone just pushed them up or something. I mean, they have no real reason, except to put people in awe of nature, and the Creator. There are so many other things that God could have put in their place, but he chose mountains. It really puts you in your place. Who am I to God, when he can make that? And yet, I am so important to him, so small and insignificant feeling sometimes. What a great God!

Anyways - the weekend was great - saw a couple of movies, ate some nachos, did some walking and hiking, had an ice cream cone, and thoroughly enjoyed the break. This week I'm going to have a Star Wars marathon with Erica. Oh, the excitement!

Coffeemakers and Headaches

I get migranes. Not the paralyze you-can't function-stay home from work kind, but the dull roar for the next two days kind. It will sort of lull, worsen, and then almost go away, and then come back with a vengance. Not the best part of my life, that's for sure. I'm actually typing this with one hand, so that I can hold ice up to my left temple.

I got to work this morning, and like I do every morning, I dumped the cold left over coffee from yesterday, poured water in the machine, added coffee grinds, and pushed the start button. Today there was a problem, though. I got to the "push the start button" part, and it wouldn't work. I mean, it wouldn't even move. I have no idea what is wrong, I jiggled just about every part of that machine, and nothing helped.

What does one do in this situation? She leaves work, gets into her car, drives to the nearest Tim Horton's and buys an extra large double double. Normally it would only be a large, but I felt as though I deserved a bit more for my trouble. Ah, crisis averted.

Random thoughts on life

So, I was sitting in Church this morning, and we took communion. It was about the time where you can pray with friends or family or whatever, and I was trying to think of prayer requests . . . when I realized that I had nothing to complain about. Usually prayer requests are things that are wrong in life, that I need help with. But I could not think of one. I am so content right now, its almost scary. I'm almost afraid that something terrible will happen to upset this amazing balance I have in life. I suppose that that would be ok though, because for one day, today, I am completely at peace. Its pretty sweet. I quit one of my jobs yesterday. I have a full time job now that classes are over and a very sporadic part time job.

I quit my part time, so that I could have all my weekends off this summer. I worked at a bookstore, which to me is just about the perfect job. I wasn't really happy with the way this particular bookstore was run though, and if I ever work at one again I want it to be a small one, with books that I pick, and a coffee shop that has no affiliation to Starbucks or the like. I want all the shelves to be made of dark solid wood, and I want to have many chairs and couches that are covered in a very dark soft warm fabric, and I want to know all of my customers by their first names. I realize that this sort of bookstore probably won't make any money, but I think that it will be more fulfilling than any other job I've ever had. I'm excited about it.

Enough babbling. I'm going to go finish reading a book I've read before, or maybe watch Life as a House. (a good movie - with a few too many f-words)

My first posting

Yay! I have a blog. I have no idea what "blog" means, but oh well. Last night Erica, Denise and I went to the Killers concert! It ROCKED. I think it was one of the best rock shows I've ever seen. Probably THE best. Then this morning I wrote my last final of the year, which means I only have one year left of school ever. Yay! Then I made supper for Erica and Denise and Colin, it was Spaghetti and Meatballs, Caesar Salad, French Bread, and Punch, and it was so good. I'm really proud of myself. Colin set up our website (we basically picked the name and thats it). So, in a few days it should be up and running with pictures and all kinds of fun! Enough of today. This is really fun.