procrastination 101

It's one of those nights where I have a thousand things to do, and a busy day tomorrow, but I can't get around to starting doing anything. My dishes need to be done, the garbage needs to be taken out, my suitcase from last weekend needs to be unpacked, and I have marking and planning to do. But, I just don't feel like it. Instead I want to do nothing. I would rather sleep, sit here and write, drive around, talk on the phone, talk on msn... literally anything is better than doing something productive. I'm hoping that this blog will make me millions someday and then count as productive somehow.

I'm listening to "Sam's Town," the most recent Killers album. For all the hype about it being "so much different" than "Hot Fuss," it sounds pretty much the same to me... which isn't a bad thing, because I liked that album. It's just not this "new, more mature" sound that they advertised. Basically, it's still the Killers. Fun, bouncy, lots of keyboard, good drumming.

"When I grow up, I want to be a teacher." Do you know how many times I said that? zero. Not even once. I used to play teacher, but I didn't actually want to be one. Is it weird that I am? I feel like I don't take my job that seriously. Ok, maybe not really. I mean the lesson planning, marking, classroom stuff I take seriously, but there is A LOT of crap that goes on behind the scenes... with contracts, benefits, rules, requirements... all politics really... that I could care less about. Maybe its because I'm in my first year, and right now, the planning, marking, classroom stuff is the most important, but I hope I don't really lose that in the long run. I sort of hope I never care. I never want to be in admin, I never want to work at the "district level" or work for the Association or the board or anything. I just want to teach kids.

One kid asked me today if I was going to be here next year. I said I wasn't sure, but he said he wanted me to teach "24" (meaning Science 24 - I'm teaching 14 right now). This could be because he likes me better than the other teacher who currently teaches it, but it could just be because I'm a good teacher. I'm going with the latter, but I'll take either honestly. haha

Is it weird that labs make me nervous, and I'm a science teacher? I had a semi-bad experience with a lab in practicum ... it was sort of hilarious, but still did not go smoothly exactly. I could (and probably should) do a decomposition reaction tomorrow... at least as a demo... but I'm not going to. haha - I hope my principal never reads this. Maybe I can think of something else to do instead. Maybe there is a demo online somewhere. Or a movie... :)

Alright... maybe I should actually get around to work. And maybe take the garbage out - its one of those things that probably shouldn't be put off...

happy freaking valentines

It is a bad day to listen to depressing music. And an even worse one to watch a semi-depressing movie. I honestly had the best day I've had in a really long time. I left work really happy. My principal told me I was a great teacher. Not a good one, not a decent one, but a great one. And he's one of those people that it actually means something coming from. Someone told me it was nice to see my smile back. (I just got over a week-long headache thanks to a chiropractor and a masseuse.) And I've been home for about 4 1/2 hours now. And I'm depressed. Because its Valentines, and I'm alone, and I know this is pathetic. But what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't it just work. Just once, why can't it be right. Because it only has to be right once. And then, it can be right forever. But if once hasn't happened yet, then... well then, I stay at home marking, watching semi-depressing movies and listening to "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap on repeat. And that is all I have energy for.

The Secret

You will all be happy to know the secret to making Gilmore Girls good again. You watch it WHILE doing something completely un-related. For instance: tonight, I folded and put away laundry WHILE watching Gilmore Girls. I was able to follow the story line, and only watched about half of the actual episode. It kept me as engaged as it possibly could, I enjoyed it, and my room is so much cleaner!

Guess what else I did tonight?! I talked to my sister about her date, that she's on right now, with a very nice Christian... who also happens to be the son of possibly the richest Christians in Grande Prairie. What can I say, she knows how to pick 'em! (Am I jealous, you might ask? Well, a bit, but I'm mostly just happy for her.)

I also did ALL kinds of laundry. Hallelujah for clean socks and towels (and other unmentionables... it was time... lets just put it that way). That laundry, as previously stated, is actually AWAY... in its proper home hanging in the closet or in a drawer where it should be. This is something relatively new and different for me. I have flashbacks to my childhood, but I'm not actually sure I remember the last time I put away laundry the DAY that it was washed and dried. hmmmm.

Wow, you might be thinking... this girl is PRODUCTIVE! Well, that's actually not even all I did! I also took all the garbage out! Even the pile of boxes like milk cartons and a pizza box that was BESIDE my garbage. I know! I must be crazy!

Well, after this much laborious work, I you'd think I'd deserve a break... well, think again. Between laundry loads I actually managed to BUILD A SHELF... yes, you heard right. I whole shelf. A little one, that is going to pretend to be a night stand for the rest of the foreseeable future, but its got 3 shelves inside, and even doors. (A bit over the top, I admit... apparently the hinges are called "European." I'm not sure why, but thats what the box said. I'll have to agree that they seemed very haut couture to me.)

In any case, I'm pretty proud of myself and my work tonight. I haven't done dishes... but I figure I should save SOMETHING for tomorrow.

I realize that I've used a lot of CAPITAL LETTERS in this post. I've accepted that I'm not actually talking to you all, so that is my way of putting inflection into this. So that you know I'm not monotonous. Even in my mind I am a GREAT public speaker.

Also, I need to get my mind off the fact that I don't have anyone to hang out with here. And the guy who I want to talk to is in the air flying right now I think. And my other friends are all set as away on msn. Whats with that? Oh, wait. So am I.

Alright... I dont' know what to do now. I've got about 45 minutes till House is on... yay for a new House! What the heck am I going to do to stay busy till then. If you say "do dishes" I'll hurt you. I hate dishes.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, to waste some time I was just reading through my old blogs (some which I should probably delete before they start haunting me), and I found one from May 31, 2005 that I liked. So, check back. I don't just like it because of Rosie's very nice comment (which I do like... haha) but because it is sort of me again. I think we go through cycles in life, and somehow I'm back there. Life being sort of a teeny bit complicated (not upside down like then) but me being happy and ok, and trusting in God. Because he's great. And he listens. Even when we don't think he is.

new song and date night

So, my new favorite song is called Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap. Its SO beautiful. Her voice is clear and there is no guessing about it. Every note is perfect.

I had a date last night. It was sort of a modified date, because ground rules were set before we even set the date, and we're just getting to know each other better. There is one big reason that we're not dating now, or in the near future so I get to play the patience card again... or I guess for the first time... haha.

If there is one thing that I struggle with in life it is patience. I am not gifted in the waiting department. But I've NOT waited in relationships in the past and the formula has been consistent: we date, I dump, we're hurt (and ironically enough, they end up closer to God, and we end up friends). Regardless though, it hurts, and it's too hard. This time I don't want to screw it up. So, everything is on the table, we both know where each other is at. I don't doubt that God can and will work in his life, its just the waiting and trusting.

One good thing though, is my prayer life is a million times better. I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for anything else I can think of, and I pray again and again. Its amazing the change I can see in my relationship with God in only a few weeks of consistent communication... weird how that is the way it is in any relationship... odd how you get closer when you TALK. haha

I've gotten interesting feedback from friends and family on this one. Not all the same as with other boyfriends. (with a couple exceptions) Mostly people know him and I and think its fun that we click and are just saying to be careful and take it slow. I'm not getting the looks or serious talks all the time like I have in previous relationships. That is one big difference between this one and past ones. Its really nice not to get the flack.

This isn't completely consistent though. I know I'm being smarter about this one and getting reefed on for repeating mistakes is getting old. I don't even feel like arguing anymore. I'm NOT doing anything wrong or stupid. I'm just getting to know someone. If something happens someday then it will be in Gods time. I'm trusting him this time, and I know its hard to see that from the outside, but getting told I shouldn't be doing something or that I'm doing something wrong from good friends all the time is so hard. At least its not everyone. I hate NOT talking about whats going on in my life, but I guess I sort of have to filter what I talk about with some people because I'm tired of hearing about it. Some people are awesome and curious and supportive and want the best for me, and it seems like others just want to be right. And I'm tired of being wrong.

There is my rant portion of this blog.

On a positive note, here is a list of things that I like about him:

He's honest.
He's a good driver, but not a boring driver. He knows how to use his vehicle.
He doesn't mess around. He's straight with you. There is no guessing.
He's sarcastic and CRACKS me up.
He reads.
He laughs in movies at the same parts as me.
He's unapologetic about liking guy stuff, but its ok if I know a few things about guy stuff too. (and ok when I don't haha)
He doesn't make me feel like I have something to prove to him.
He cooks! (and its ok that I don't like too)

Alright, that's not all, but I'm feeling sappy now, and I'm supposed to be patient here.

I should get back to work... and watching the Oilers game (which is on in the background now because he likes hockey. I'm such a geek.)

Imperfections

Hi,

Sometimes I feel like writing a letter. Like somehow, if there is a purpose to all this writing then it would be better. So, I'm going to think of someone, and I'm going to write to that person, and maybe I can get the words out.

I'm happy today. Except that Gilmore Girls was a dissappointment. I've decided that I've given it enough chances, and I will only buy the seasons now, instead of watching them week after boring week. I'm not sure if you know that I like Gilmore Girls, but it has been an on-again-off-again relationship since I moved to Edmonton and got cable.

Sometimes I think that my imperfections are funny. They're just what makes me, me. The fact that I'm addicted to chips, and therefore can not lose weight regardless of how much I work out... sometimes I feel like that is just part of me, and its ok. And some days it makes me feel really disgusted with myself. Why don't I just have the will power to say no? The same thing goes with past relationships... why is it easy to make the same mistakes?

I want to not make that mistake again. I want everything to work out, and I want to be in love, but I want to love someone who loves God more than me. I'm afraid though. Afraid that if I let myself get close then I will automatically follow in the same path as before, even though I know that this situation is actually different. I'm not in denial like the last time. The last time I knew it was the same situation, but this time it actually is different. I've been smarter so far, and the reaction was different than the others, and I think it could actually work, but its a someday thing, instead of a tomorrow thing.

I thought about making another blog, for days when I feel like using names, and days when I feel like talking in specifics, like today. But then I thought that would be too much work. I suppose that as usual, those who stumble upon this blog will have no idea who I'm talking about, and those that know me might have an idea, and I know that he doesn't know about it, so its ok to be talking like this for now. If he ever finds out about this place, though I might have to delete it.

I just read like 200 pages of the 4th sisterhood of the travelling pants. Its a gooder, and it has very effectively sucked me in to the point that I want to go put on pjs, go to bed, and finish it tonight. I might do that... just have to set up the coffee for tomorrow morning and get everything ready in case I do fall asleep while reading. I'm not one of those people whose biological clocks are effective enough to wake themselves up at the correct time. Mine goes off within a two hour time frame of when my alarm normally does. And that two hours is actually important to me. haha.

K, more book, less blog.

Despite the bit of complaining I just did, I am really happy tonight. Because regardless of what ends up happening, and the fact that right now, nothing can be done about it, somebody likes me, and thinks I have amazing eyes.

Another big city weekend...

I just got back from the big city again. And was it a good weekend, you might be wondering? YES. Yes, without a doubt. But first the slight downer (I want to end on the exciting). Recently I've been disappointed in people... not like major broken hearted disappointment, just general hope let down sort of disappointed. I've decided that there really is no way to keep this from happening. You always hope that things go the way you want them too, but they just don't always, and you can't force them too. It sucks, but that's the thing about people, we can hope that they do what we want them to do, but sometimes they just don't, regardless of how much better it would be for them or you if they did.

This weekend I finally got to meet someone who I had barely met, but who I had msn-ed some. There had been some mutual interest, or at least mutual curiosity. It was pretty much as perfect as it could have been, considering the amount we already knew each other and the company present. I felt special, and I felt like I was important, and I felt pretty and liked. I had butterflies for the first time in a LONG time. I can't think of a better way it could have been.

This weekend was also fabulous because I got to see all my girls, and I miss them like crazy. Going to GP is going home to family, but going to the city is going home to life. Does that make sense? I love my family, but I don't want to move back there. I want to be friends with the girls in the city forever. I think that girls need peeps. They need confidants. They need someone to complain with, to laugh with, to have good days with and bad days with. My girls aren't family in the strict definition, but they're my real life.

Ok, time for a nap now... as great as my weekend was, it was missing one of my favorite pastimes: sleep. And I am going to compensate for this right now.

another sunday night

Today was one of those mediocre days. It wasn't especially bad, but it wasn't especially good either. Plans fell through, but I got a lot done at home too. Built a shelf, took down Christmas decorations... back to regular life.

I hate getting ditched. Its worse when you barely know the people, too. Because you don't know who to call or who to talk to. And I don't think it was on purpose, but I would have liked to know what was (or wasn't) happening. I think I'll stick to the story that they don't have the number right.

I start my new job tomorrow. I hate "night before's." With a passion. I can never sleep. Doesn't matter if I'm skiing, teaching, or whatever else it might be. And "night before first day's" are even worse. New experiences are hell. I remember the night before I left for Africa I was so sick. I didn't think I could do it. But I did. And before my first day last September. Same thing. And tonight might not be as bad as that, and the build up sure wasn't there. I haven't felt the sick-to-my-stomach, chest tightness, do-I-have-everything-ready feeling until today... this afternoon actually. But now I do. And I hate not sleeping so much it makes me want to cry. I know everything will go well. It always does. And if something gets totally messed up, that will be fixed too somehow I'm sure. I just want to sleep tonight.

That's why I took a sleeping pill.