good night and good luck

It has been one week since my last post. This one, my mother told me, must be “happier” than the last, so happy I will be.

I have great hope that tonight I will sleep much better than last Sunday night. I don’t know what it is about Sunday nights, but I’m going to bed with a positive attitude. I am not going to worry about lacking sleep tonight, or feeling sick or anything. I will sleep great… unless I don’t. What if this is a forever thing with me, not sleeping well on Sunday nights. I love Sundays! I don’t want to have to worry about them! Ok, no freak outs. Must just relax and not worry… be happy, right?

Ok, great things: I did the minimum amount of work this weekend required to successfully cope tomorrow at school. I went to a taco party, cleaned, had a couple of friends visit from Edmonton, and watched WAY too many episodes of the Gilmore girls on DVD. I love that show on DVD. Not so much on TV. In any case, it was a stellar weekend, and I’m relatively well-rested, and I’m ready for tomorrow. Not much else, but tomorrow I got!

Life is going well. Lots of decisions to make, with work and living and stuff. One minute I’m sure I want to go home and sub, the next stay here and sub, and hope for a more permanent job. Do I want to live here though, like on a permanent basis? I don’t know – I don’t think so! I think I want to get married and have babies and live, well, wherever, as long as I’m married, and I can teach, and I have kids. This whole maternal thing has kicked in lately – I feel like a bit of a geek.

In any case, the point is, that I think I’ll be happy wherever as long as I’m with someone that I love, and who is my family. I’d really like to find that person, soon if possible. I’d like to get married, and start that life. That would make me smile.

That’s enough for now. I’m going to go to sleep. I will! You’ll see!

Sleep and the Lack Thereof

I am one of those people who likes to get their eight hours. I mean really really likes it. I'm a little bit mad at the clock when I look at it and I know that there is no way that I can get it tonight, I can only possibly get like 7 hours 53 minutes, and that is if I go to bed right now.

So the fact that my computer clock says its 12:02 makes me so frusterated right now. Why am I taking time out to write in this blog then? Because its not like I haven't tried tonight. I went to bed over an hour and a half ago. I shut my light off about an hour and 20 minutes ago. I know thats not a lot of time, but it very rarely takes me this long to fall asleep.

For some reason, nothing will shut off tonight. My brain, stomach, bladder, neck ... all are complaining. If I lay one way I feel a bit sick. If I lay another, I feel like I have to pee (I've been up twice already because of that), another way and my neck is being pulled one way or another. And regardless of the position or area of my bed I am sleeping on, my mind won't quit. I've got some worship song from church this morning going around (something about "you are the rock, living in us, you are the God, in whom we trust, ..." something catchy and mind numbing, not slow and melodic), and when thats not there, I'm thinking of the "Les poisson" song from the little mermaid, or the "Gaston" song from Beauty and the beast, or the "Just can't wait to be king" song from the lion king. I have had a thing recently for disney soundtracks. Now they're driving me insane.

Regardless of the song that is rolling around, I've got teaching stuff on my brain. I know I have a busy week ahead of me, but I haven't had a day without work in a LONG time. Even when i was home last weekend, I did some work everyday so that i would be ready for Tuesday, when I had to go back. This weekend I did my "professional growth plan" on friday night, cleaned and marked on Saturday, and finished marking and planned for this week (or at least the begninning of it) today. I just want a day off. Where I don't have to think about what I have to do.

And on top of everything I get to worry about parents that I need to call, students I need to convince to hand in their homework, and the fact that come December 31, I HAVE NO JOB anymore, and I might have to sub insane classes who are hell for subs. I don't want to sub - I have NO desire at all to babysit someone elses class. I like the fact that I can build relationships with my kids, even though they do drive me nuts. The ONLY thing that would be good about subbing is the fact that I wouldn't have planning and marking to do every night and weekend.

Oh, and usually money and my lack of it seeps into my brain as well, because not only do I owe for normal stuff like furniture and credit cards, but I get to start paying off my student loans, and I haven't paid my parents back the money I owe them. And I feel terrible about that, more than anything I think.

Now my ears are ringing. This is new and different.

Ok, I'm ranting, its late. I did take a bunch of headache medication (again without a headache - bad Hannah) because it normally makes me drowsy, and I figured maybe it would shut off my incessant thinking and singing.

I'm going to go attempt sleeping again. Knowing that I can only get 5 hours and 45 minutes from now. I think I might have dozed a bit before. Thank goodness for Tim Hortons. Maybe I won't be completely useless tomorrow. I think I might be a little OCD.

Better than yesterday

I got home about 3 hours ago from my Birthday/Thanksgiving weekend at home, which was actually really fun and relaxing. Short list of my weekend: my sister and I marked my students’ stuff, I saw people from church, I was encouraged once again to try pursuing something with someone’s son as I was no longer with anyone, I woke up to coffee in bed, I listened to Christmas music, I saw my new nephew, and life was good. (I also ate WAY too much, but it was joyful…

I could go a day or two without thinking about sadness and loneliness, and life is looking up. I have been reminded lately about how many people really do care about me, even though they aren’t right near me. I was also reminded recently that even though things might not work out the way you expect, sometimes something really great happens anyways, in spite of everything. And that is exciting. I think sometimes God works around our mistakes, which is a big relief.

I’ve been planning my week, figuring out what I need to photocopy tomorrow morning, and now I’m going to go to bed. Not having to drive 5 hours back to the city from GP is nice, but a drive is a drive, and I’m tired. And still full of turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!

And here is a picture of Isaiah, my new nephew…

If I drank I would be drunk.

Today I just want to go home. Back to my mom. And I want it to be Christmas. And I want my brother and sister to be at home, and I want it to be night time, and I want there to be a fire in the fireplace and I want to be drinking hot chocolate and I want it to be like it should be. I want to be happy. But I’m not. I just watched a Christmas episode of Grey’s Anatomy from last season, and that’s what makes me want Christmas, but I have been feeling so lonely lately, and that isn’t from TV. I have made myself stay up till 9 so that I’m not that pathetic, but I literally have nothing to do sometimes, or what I have to do is not urgent, or just as depressing as not doing anything. I know that I’m a first year teacher, and that I should be run off my feet, and I am busy, and I have a lot to do all the time, but there seems to be that hour or two every couple of nights where I should be going out and having fun or something, and I don’t have anything to do. This lack of anything to do is coupled with a breakup that feels sometimes like I’m going to be fine, and sometimes like my heart is made of lead and pushing out of my chest. So what I want right now is to run away. I wish I wasn’t a grown up and I wish I didn’t have to worry about work and money, and I wish I could just go home and curl up on the couch and cry and cry. And then I wish that I could just be happy. But I don’t think I’m going to be until I’m not waiting for that “person” that is finally going to make sense with me, and I know that I’m not supposed to have emptiness and that God is supposed to be filling me up so that there is nothing lacking, but I feel so empty and I think that we just need touch sometimes, just physical contact. And with no one around and the one person who was around every once in a while out of the picture, there is no chance of that happening. So I’m just alone. And my birthday week starts this week, and I’m going to be 24, and its such a non-event, and I love my birthday, but it makes me sad because its not special this year. It was supposed to be the first year ever that I was going to have a boyfriend at the same time as my birthday but its not now. Now its just another birthday. I’m just older, and more pathetic, and obviously a bit depressed. And I’ll get presents, and I’ll be smiling and laughing, but what happens when I come back? Nothing will change. It will just be me, fine in the day, and alone at night. Fighting the moths that keep getting into my apartment mysteriously. Its 9:22, I can go to bed now.

a random assortment

The funny thing about moving is that nothing ever really changes. You can change your location, your job, the view from your window, but in reality, you still have the same personality, same idiosyncrasies, and the same addictions that plagued you prior to the move… Its easy to think that a change in scenery will help you change your habits, but in reality, they come with you – maybe not for a day or two, but they are always in tow. I still hate to clean, I still don’t like cooking, I still eat way to much junk. I still watch too much TV, get stressed about the future, and I still have a hard time maintaining anything that even resembles a schedule.

It turns out that despite my best intentions, changing things that are ingrained already is going to take a lot more work than I thought.

So, I’m doing the “long distance relationship” thing. (If “long distance” is defined by needing to call long distance to talk to the significant other…) Its only about an hour and a half to see him, but after spending the summer seeing each other almost daily, I think I’m going through withdrawal. Not so much fun. Adding to the problem is that we’re both teachers. This means that yes, we do get the same holidays, but that we also have to work after school, on weekends, and most holidays to keep up with the work load and planning. It basically all comes down to three words: I miss him. That is all.

Today I’ve actually been relatively productive… I’ve finished my year plans for Social, which is a big project in itself, because it’s a new curriculum, and so there is nothing to work from but the curriculum itself, and the textbook written for the class. This afternoon I have Science to work on, and a computers class that I’m teaching. Hopefully lots will get done. I have yet to get out of my pajama’s, and lets be honest, I may stay in them all day.

Ok, back to work. Then a nap. mmmm. I love nap.

quick rant:

What is with people that pull up inches behind you in the drive-through? I mean. I understand the concept of the drive-through – stay in your cars, get as many through as possible, convenience and speed, etc, etc. But is it really necessary for you (usually in a truck that screams “I AM COMPENSATING!” – welcome to Sherwood Park) to practically massage the bumper of the person in front of you? I hear you all now: “but I know my car, I’m not too close, I know exactly where I am!” Well, that’s great for you. But maybe I don’t really know mine. Maybe I don’t know how far you are away from me, and it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I like my bumper the way it is. Maybe I drive a stick and I’m going to roll back several inches when I put it into gear. Maybe I don’t give a crap how well you know your cars bumpers, but I don’t know YOU that well, and want you out of my frigging personal space. Just back off. Giving me a foot or two of comfort zone is NOT going to back up the line at Tim Horton’s any further than it already is backed up, and believe me, you will not get to the window one second faster by looming in my rearview mirror.

Have a special day.

drug-induced sleep

I just woke up from a 2 hour nap. I get bad headaches, and I have medication that I can take for them. This medication doesn’t always put me to sleep, but if I take enough of it, I know it will put me to sleep in short order. This knowledge, combined with the fact that I haven’t been sleeping great in my 35 degree Celsius apartment resulted in a wonderful drug-induced nap that I haven’t yet fully awakened from. Its weird because I know that I took an extra pill just so that I could completely sleep – really really hard. I don’t know if this is a bad thing, but I figure as long as I’m not taking medication regularly to sleep its not a bit deal. I’ve just been so tired and lethargic, and when its so hot everywhere, and there is no relief, its nice to be able to sleep through it, even if it is only just for a couple of hours. Plus, my headache seems to have lessened, at least for a while.

Now the part where I talk about guys (or in my case, the guy). I called my Uncle and Aunt's in the States. My parents and sister left on Saturday to go visit them, so I called today to make sure that they were happy and healthy and all that. I started talking to my Uncle, who is a pastor down there, and immediately the guy came up. This is not such a surprise, as my Uncle is a pastor, and he loves to make people think (and he loves to make people uncomfortable). But he asked me important stuff about where this guy was spiritually, and how does he lead me, and I had to say, right off the bat, that he doesn’t lead me. He hasn’t been a strong believer as long as I have, and he isn’t at the same place as me. He also asked me what this guy does that makes me know that he is a Christian, and because I had just woken up and because it was just so immediate and flooring, I just said that I didn’t know. I want this guy to be that for me – a spiritual leader, and a strong Christian, and I don’t think that its something that is out of reach, but I’ve always said that I wouldn’t “missionary date” either, where I date someone and hope they become what I want them to be. My Uncle just said, well I know what to pray about then, and that was that. He’s awesome and I love my family so much, and I couldn’t marry someone that they weren’t 100% behind either.

Its making me think though, besides church attendance, what do I do that would make people know that I’m a Christian? I’m nice, I try not to gossip, etc etc, but a lot of people who don’t have faith do that because they have good morals. I haven’t been very consistent with my Bible reading lately, and besides the guy, I haven’t shared my beliefs with anyone in a long time. I’m feeling very hypocritical. I can call myself a Christian, and I have faith, but if its not acted out, then how do other people know its there? To most people I’m probably just a sweet girl, who can be opinionated, and who goes to church on Sunday. Basically, I’m describing a large percentage of the female population, and to me being a real Christian is so much more than that. Why do I have such a hard time living up to the standards that I set for everyone else in my life, and do I have the right to set the bar higher for everyone else, when I’m not making the bar myself?