L is for the way…

I’ve always wanted to fall in love.
Like head over heels, do anything for you, till death do us part love.

I always thought that it would be an instantaneous, lightning bolt moment when it happened, but I don’t think that that is how it is supposed to work anymore. I think that lust for sure happens that way; you can see a person and be instantly attracted to them. But love, real forever love, is something that you realize more slowly. You realize how important that person is to you, and how much you want to be with them. The thought of losing that person makes you feel sick, and heartbroken all at the same time. You want that person to know every mundane detail of your life, every time someone hurts your feelings, every time you give yourself a paper cut, every time something makes you happy. And you want them to care that it happened, and when you’re in real love, I think that they do care.

I don’t think that all of these feelings happen all at once, or to the same degree. I think that it is an eventuality, that you can be unsure about it, especially if you’ve never been in love before. All the feelings are new, and you start to wonder if this is what love feels like, or if this is just really really caring about someone, but still short of love.

I think that the first time you tell someone that you love them, it’s a huge step. Because what if you’re not actually? Those three words have become so important, in that particular situation, that they can change lives forever. They have been at the climax of more movies than I can imagine, and when I say them to someone finally, I want it to be for-sure, no-holds-bar forever love.

The Pace Slows Down

I guess its time to write again. I can finally breathe a bit, after a pretty nutty oh, 6 months or so. I don’t really feel like writing down everything that’s happened, so I’ll just say this, I’m just working, still single and looking forward to moving to Whitecourt (of all places!) to teach grade 7 in the fall. End of story.

What I have to do now is buy things. I’ve got so much stuff to buy to be able to live (admittedly comfortably). I’m a bit torn. Do I just get it all, and pay for it over the next year and a half or so? Or do I get things slowly and just live uncomfortably for a long time? I don’t know… Credit makes things really easy, but not guilt free. Should I feel guilty for getting stuff on credit?

In any case, I’ve compiled a list of stuff I need. Thankfully, I have a lot of kitchen and bedroom stuff already, but here is the list:

Bedroom: Bed (Queen), Frame (just plain metal), Night stand

Spare Room: Sewing machine table (one of those folding ones from Costco, probably)

Living Room: Couch, Loveseat or Chair, End Tables, TV, TV Stand

Kitchen: Table, Chairs, Microwave Stand (I have minimal counter space – my one complaint)

Bathroom: Shower Curtain

So, that is that. I’m really excited to be moving and to be on my own and to have space. It’s all very selfish, and I understand that. I love my current roommate, and I love my friends that I’m moving away from, I just feel like I’m finally an adult, in some ways. In others I still feel like I should be asking myself what the heck I am doing purchasing a sofa and loveseat. Isn’t that something that married people do?


Since marriage came up… which it seems to relatively frequently… I got an email from a girl who was in my last class at the U today. She is engaged. Now, I suppose that this is something that I should be happy about. I mean, good for her, she found “the one” and all that. Her and every other girl in my class. But what makes them so great that they’ve been able to find that guy? What’s wrong with me? (This seems to be a question that comes up relatively frequently as well.)

I know that there have been a few guys in my life that have liked me, but this hasn’t really made be feel better about myself, because compliments from them usually end up with me either questioning their sanity, or asking what is wrong with all of the guys who I could date, because usually the ones that like me are off-limits for one reason or another.



I feel like my life is sort of on hold right now, until I move. I need to be going into this summer full of expectations and fun-ness, but part of me just wants it to be over so that I can start the next part of my life. I’m just in limbo again, sort of waiting to be able to move, and buy things, and all of that. And everyone is telling me to wait, and I just want to keep moving but I can’t. It’s so frustrating. I know that I need to relax and enjoy life right now, and focus on today and all of that, but my whole life is geared towards my future right now, and so I can’t.

Christian guys and CDL

I was talking to a couple of friends last night about dating. Christian dating in particular. Through this conversation I began to realize that, as girls, we (and Christian dating literature – I will call it CDL) have been really hard on guys. CDL, in general, goes something like this: Dating around is bad. It’s bad too start “dating” someone that you don’t know very well, so you should become friends with lots of people from the opposite sex and then pick one (and only one) to “court.” (and yes, we have reverted back to the 17th century) CDL puts so much pressure on guys, because according to CDL girls are only looking for the one guy that they will be married to for the rest of their lives.

I don’t think I’ve been completely incorrect in my little rantings about Christian guys, but this recent conversation has put things into perspective. No wonder Christian guys aren’t jumping at the chance to date. Even pretty and fun Christian girls must be looking for their soul mate, according to CDL, and so if a guy can’t be completely sure that she is the girl that he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he isn’t going to ask her out. NO WONDER Christian guys aren’t jumping at the chance to date! I wouldn’t be either.

So, to Christian guys on behalf of my mixed up sex: sorry. Not all of us are looking for our soul mate on the first date, and please don’t write me off because you’re worried that I am.

Have a good one! Gotta go mark now… love the life of a teacher…

The best thing I've read in a long time.

This little article is enough to finally convince me to read Harry Potter. I have a deep respect for anyone who can put the state of females in Hollywood and throughout the world so succinctly. Genius…

From msn entertainment:

JK Rowling loves Pink, slams "talking toothpick" role models

JK Rowling has confessed that she's a fan of Pink's new song, 'Stupid Girls.' Rowling, who created the wonderful wizarding world of Harry Potter, has dubbed 'Stupid Girls' as "the antidote-anthem for everything I had been thinking about women and thinness."

"'Stupid Girls' satirizes the talking toothpicks held up to girls as role models," said Rowling. "Those celebrities whose greatest achievement is unchipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs."

Hollywood's so-called role-models are of special concern to Rowling who has two daughters, Jessica, 12, and one-year-old Mackenzie. "I don't want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones," Rowling said. "I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny, a thousand things, before 'thin'."

See what I mean? Awesome...

The significance of 4 weeks

First of all, I’m sorry its been so long since I updated this thing. I’m in the middle of practicum – ’nuff said.

In 4 weeks a lot of things end. My life as a student, a major part of my “definition of me” for the last 19 years, will be done. My bachelor of education will be done. My post secondary education will be done. My practicum will be done. I can honestly say that life as I know it will be over.

Its actually a bit sad, really. The one thing that I’ve been good at, pretty steadily, throughout my entire life, will be the one thing I’m losing. It’s a bit of a security blanket I suppose. I don’t have a boyfriend, I’m not really athletic, I’m not exceptionally beautiful (Oh, Jo – your one true beauty! – name that movie), but I’ve always had my academic ability. I had better be a freaking awesome teacher to make up for it! Teaching has actually worked out pretty well for me so far, so I’ll keep working (and keep my fingers crossed) and see how it all works out.

There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now. I don’t really deal well with unknowns … my inner control freak doesn’t allow for a lot of out-of-my-control things in my life without being bothered. It’s a bit annoying really, I wish someone would just tell me what is in store. There is supposed to be some excitement and hope involved in this “trying to find a job” part of my life, and some people really get off on the future possibilities of their life. I’m generally not one of those people. I like order and planning and lists. I’m one of those people who books trips months in advance, and registers for classes the first day I’m allowed to, to minimize the risk that I won’t get into a class that I want or need to take.

Anyways, God has become more important all of a sudden … trusting him means a lot more when there really is no other choice.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about spiritual stuff … to be vague … I don’t think I’ll talk about it all today. Maybe in another blog later (like 4 weeks from now when I can breathe) and maybe never. We’ll see. Its just on my mind.

Snow and Fast Friends

I figure now is as good a time as any to update this lonely blog. Life has been nuts lately, and so finding time to type random thoughts has been rare. If something worth writing has happened, then usually its one of those personal journal things, and not something I want publicly broadcasted.

Its been snowing all day long. I woke up at 7ish I think, and I started a fire, even though my apartment is a billion degrees all the time, and there is no need for a fire. It was just one of those days that requires a fire in the fireplace. Ambiance or whatever…

I love the snow. I love watching it, I love walking in it, I love the way it feels, and the way it makes everything white for a moment. This dirty world seems clean for a couple of minutes, until someone drives by. Today, I’m going to focus on the greatness of snow, and forget the fact that tomorrow, when everyone has been driving on it for a bit, and the road has warmed up and re-frozen, it will be really annoying to drive anywhere.

In any case, its snowing, there is a fire in my fireplace (which I’ve recently let go out), Norah Jones is playing on my computer, and my roommate is sleeping on the chair in the corner. Its actually quite a relaxing day, considering the amount of work I’ve actually managed to complete. I think that the key to getting work done on Saturdays (aside from the fact that it was pretty much under threat of death) is to get up close to the same time that you normally get up. That way, your body thinks that its got to be normal all day, and its not automatically in Saturday mode.

I’ve been sitting on my couch marking all day. Literally. I took a little break to eat a sandwich for lunch and talk to mom on the phone, but otherwise I have been using the red pen since about 8 this morning. 8 HOURS of marking. Crazy. But I’m done! I think I’m going to get out of the house for a few minutes and return some movies, and run to the store. I always feel like there’s nothing here to eat. That isn’t really true at all, but I just don’t feel like eating anything we have. And we have no snacks. (Besides vegetables, and those only count as snacks on week-days).

When I get home tonight I’m going to start planning for this week. Its another busy week. There is always a lot to get accomplished, and therefore a lot for me to prepare for. I have to teach people stuff. I teach them things, and a few of them will know these things forever. Because I taught them. Now THAT is a crazy thought.

On a completely different note, I have been thinking about myself lately. (Ha ha… I guess that thinking of myself is pretty common, considering that I’m pretty much the most important person in my life – just like everyone else is the most important person in their own life). What I mean is, I’ve been thinking about my personality, and how I come across to people. There are people in life who I meet and never really “click” with. Not that we’re not nice acquaintances or anything, but there is an unspoken mutual understanding that when our paths diverge we probably won’t spend any time thinking of one another. There are also people that I spend enough time with because of mutual friends, that I eventually become friends with, and I know I will be their friend for a long long time, but not because we instantaneously shared a mutual lightning bolt. Then there are also people in life who I immediately bond with. After a few minutes its as if we’ve known each other forever. People who don’t know that we’ve just met will ask how we know one another. Not only does it seem like we are long lost friends to ourselves, but also to people who see us interact. It’s the strangest thing, and it doesn’t happen with all people, just a few. I’m not sure if this phenomenon is unique to me; I doubt it. But in any case, in the last couple of weeks its happened with 2 people that I can think of specifically, and its quite amazing.

Those are some thoughts from today. I’ll spare you the feelings of being overwhelmed, completely stressed out, and in-over-my-head. My 15 minutes are up, I think I need to leave my apartment for the first time today.

Oh, where to start

Sometimes I think the hardest thing to do is start. Usually, but not always, once you’ve started, actually doing the thing you’ve started is relatively easy. It’s the beginning that is the problem. As I am thinking about this new little philosophy of mine, I think that it can be applied to almost any area of life.

Relationships: Pretty self-explanatory. Coming from someone who’s had 1 – that’s right -1 (come on, are you really that surprised?) real relationship, I know that that first step out of the whole “comfort zone of friends” is the most complicated, and the scariest. (hold on, I need to go get a cup of tea)… Alright. (oh, crap. Just realized I put a tea bag in the mug, went to have a sip, and there was no water added.) Ahhhh. (much better). OK, back to the topic at hand. Starting a relationship. Virtually impossible. In fact, I’m pretty surprised that anyone is married. My problem is not that I’m “not easy to talk to” or that I’m “just not hot enough.” Its that I’m “friend” material. I’m every guy’s easy-to-talk-to pal type. I’m not the “girlfriend” type. I don’t know why, but this has been the way of it my whole life. I don’t ever get past the “friend” stage with guys. Ok, next topic.

Jobs: Interviews are the worst part of a job often, especially if you are unemployed and you’ll do the job regardless of what it is. If, by some chance, you do get hired, the first day is usually nerve-wracking hell.

Being alive: Ask your mom. She’ll tell you how much fun the first moments of your life were.

The start of being single again: When you get to start over as a “singleton” it is not necessarily the end of the relationship that is bad (don’t get me wrong, in some cases, that heartache is virtually unbearable – but I don't know about this as much) but often it is the telling people you’re single, having them say “I’m so sorry” or “oh, that jerk, I knew he was no good” or (and this is my personal favorite) “I told you so” that is worse than the actual break up. The whole “face the music” part.

The start of the day: Again, pretty self explanatory.

Car-related: 1. The first day behind the wheel is definitely the hardest part of the whole driving experience. 2. Starting the car itself, especially if it’s freezing cold outside, is often the hardest part of the whole “car-running” experience.

And today’s example – and the reason for this blog?

Starting homework on Saturday. I have SO much planning to do for Monday (and well, the next 8 weeks, lets be honest.) Starting that process has been impossible today. I got up, started laundry (not so hard, doesn’t fit the analogy – I love doing laundry), went to Walmart with Erica, ate pizza, watched Elizabethtown (not nearly as bad as everyone says, and possibly the best soundtrack of the year, if the music on the movie is actually on the soundtrack), and now I’m here, still procrastinating. Its like climing a mountain, only I know that even if I do reach the top, going down the other side is going to be really hard too. Possibly cliff-like.