Major Events and Chairs

Now, I realize that two posts in one day is sort of overkill for me, but I have realized that there has been a major event in my life that I have not mentioned. I have noticed that I don’t really talk about what happens in my life, more just what I’m thinking about. This actual, tangible event, though, deserves a little recognition. Yesterday, I went school supply shopping. This event, usually taking place several weeks before I start a new school year, is the single most exciting shopping trip of the year. I have a deep love and affection for office supplies of all kinds. I am not biased towards one brand over another. Pencils, Pens, Erasers, PAPER, oh my! White-out, HIGHLIGHTERS, dividers, report covers…. It’s all so exciting!

For me, it’s better than buying clothing, food, technology, makeup, or jewelry. To open a new highlighter is to open up a whole world of possibilities. My favorite line in “You’ve Got Mail” is not at the end where Meg Ryan says that she had hoped it was Tom Hanks who was emailing her all along, it’s right at the beginning where he’s writing about New York in the fall, and how he’d send her a bouquet of pencils if he knew her address! A whole bouquet! Now, wouldn’t that be lovely! It would be better than flowers for me! School supplies are fresh, and they don’t go bad after a few days. They can last all year long!

What a joyful occasion in my life. Don’t get me wrong - I love shopping in general. I love new stuff, no matter what it is. Literally. I can buy a new bottle of Tylenol and be excited at the fullness of it, and the fact that I get to open the seal all by myself. I even love opening cans with a can opener, because whatever’s inside has never been seen before by any shopper. I love taking tags off new clothes, and assembling whatever I’ve recently acquired from Ikea. But there is nothing quite like school supplies.

I just thought I’d share that with everyone.

Also, I spun around on office chairs in Staples. You have to try them out. It’s just not right to walk by and leave them sitting there all alone.

Cliques and Geeks

Well, I guess the point of this blog has become a bit hazy. At first it was to keep people updated about what was happening in my life, and to give people a bit of a different perspective when it comes to me. Now it’s more of a journal type thing, which other people read. So, I feel like I need to update it not just to keep people up-to-date on my life activities, but also because I need an outlet. Strange that my outlet is this super-public website, barred to no one.

Today’s topic is going to be cliques, with maybe a few cryptic other-type thoughts thrown in.

Cliques are something that most girls in the world, including me, are intimately familiar with. I grew up in a church that was known as a “clique-y” church, and I was part of an almost impenetrable clique for most of junior high and high school. Cliques are nothing to complain about if you’re part of one. And I was, and I knew it. We weren’t mean to other people (ie. Girls) but we didn’t make any attempt to include other people in our “circle of friends.” We knew we were that way, and because we were content with how things were, we didn’t change anything. College changed things a bit, but I think that girls naturally form these super-close knit groups with each other. We are built for relationships with other people, so we like having the security of a “best friend” or a “clique.” Quite often there are even “cliques” within cliques that are only known to those who are part of them.

Cliques are also terrible things. When you aren’t part of them then you feel left out, lonely and confused, wondering what you can do to become part of it, or what you did to get left out of it. Girls in general (or maybe it’s just me) tend to have lower rather than higher self esteem. We say things like “It doesn’t matter to me that I’m not going” or “I don’t want to hang out with them anyways” and tell our best friends the truth, that we’re hurt and sad. Eventually what we say becomes truth though. We stop caring. We harden our hearts and what other people do or don’t invite us to doesn’t matter, or if it does, we barely feel it anymore. Sometimes the strength of women doesn’t come from their heart, it comes from being forced to deal with hard stuff, and therefore become hard themselves. This isn’t the way it should be, but this is the world, and this is life, we tell ourselves.

Cliques are about comfort if you’re in one. Cliques are about confusion if you’re not. And people are selfish, and oblivious, and I’m a cynic. So when it comes to changing this, I’ll watch out for myself, and try and be inclusive, but I have no faith in people realizing where they’re at themselves, and examining into their own hearts.

As far as my own life goes, recently, I’ve been content. Not in upheaval in my heart, and not worried. It’s been nice to have a bit of peace. Being single again is nice, honestly. Not because I get some sick pleasure from hurting guys, but because, for now, it’s where I need to be. The future is the future, and I’m deciding to rely on God for today and for whatever tomorrow holds.

I can’t believe it, but I’m actually excited to go back to school. Not because I hate work (I actually really like my job) but because it’s the beginning of the end of school, and because I’ve got some really good classes this fall. I’m taking a couple Anthropology classes about the cultures of Middle America and West Africa, as well as a history class that should cover the reformation and stuff that I’m interested in, and a religion class on early Christian writings! I’m so excited! I love options! I think I’m going to be one of those people who keep learning through their whole life – I think they call that geekiness. So I guess you can be clique-y and geeky.

Thinking about today...

I figure if I’m in front of a computer all day, it’s as good a time as any to update my blog. It’s been a while, and as usual, things have changed again. Not everything, but some things. I’m still as busy as ever, and I still feel like I need about a week off of life, but that’s not about to happen any time soon. I think I should plan a trip for next summer, and that will be the one big thing for me to look forward to. Maybe I’ll just drive, and see where I end up. I wish that I knew a lot more about cars, then I could go by myself, and not worry about breaking down, but at least I have AMA.

I need to become more spontaneous. If there is one thing I am NOT it is spontaneous. My life is planned, and I pretty much know what I’m doing for the next several years. This is not only due to my lack of spontaneity, but also due to a lack of money and the necessity to pay off student loans and other forms of debt I’ve incurred while my living expenses have been higher than my income.

I’m not really that spontaneous in relationships either. Which is why, though I might have jumped into one, it took me only 3 short weeks to jump back out. I don’t think I ended things with no reason, or even that starting this relationship was a complete mistake. There was just too much I was unsure about, and stuff that I couldn’t get over quite yet. Being in a relationship is fun, don’t get me wrong. Having someone who somehow thinks that you are worth hanging out with as much as possible, and who doesn’t see the worst in you isn’t something to complain about.

The thing is, my mind doesn’t usually just stay “in the moment.” My mind works pretty linearly – and so regarding time, I tend to think in the future. This isn’t always an asset when it comes to relationships, because this means that I think of the future in things when I’ve only been dating for a few days really, and if that future is hazy, I get scared. I’m not good at unknowns in life; I like control. So, in this case, I wasn’t sure about things, and I don’t like to put off the inevitable. I want to make sure what I’m doing is right, and not just hope that it will become right in the future.

It sucks, don’t get me wrong. Breaking up is not the easiest thing in the world to do; in fact, it’s probably one of the hardest. Breaking up with someone as great as the guy I broke up with is both much harder than your stereotypical break up (if there is there such a thing), and at the same time, much easier. On one hand, I knew that breaking up with this guy was the right thing for the time being, and that he would just take it and not be mad at me. I knew he would suck it up, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to argue with him to end things. On the other hand, it’s unbelievably hard to knowingly hurt someone who thinks the world of you, and who you think the world of. There are a lot of terrible things I would rather do than break up with someone who has never wanted less than the best for you.

That’s another thing. Nothing changed while we were dating. He didn’t do anything “wrong” to make me NEED to break up with him. I probably shouldn’t have started a relationship with him when I did, I should have waited till I was more sure of things in the first place, but I didn’t. And then I got to back track, which is a very hard thing to do.


I suppose I’m relatively content with where things are now. NOT being in a relationship but still being friends is tough, considering that some stuff becomes habit, but I think that we can handle it. As far as the future goes (there I go again – thinking in a line) who knows? There’s always hope that it will all work out, but for now, I need to concentrate on today (which seems to be pretty much impossible).

What is there to say?

I'm a bit afraid. Can life just continue to get better, or is something going to go terribly wrong soon? I hope not.

We were planning on waiting till the end of the summer to officially date. That didn't work out so well. So, now I have a boyfriend. Interesting, and so much fun!

There's not much to add. I'm actually looking forward to the fall, because this summer is so busy. By September 10th, I'll have gone to 5 weddings and will have been away for at least 7 or 8 weekends. My life is crazy, and I feel like I pass up a lot of parties just to hang out at home! Ha ha.

With the fall though, things will slow down a bit, I hope. I will still have busy days, but i should have some time to relax. Maybe... hopefully...

Hopeful

Well, life is pretty stellar right now. I’m so content, and so happy, and I find myself just grinning to myself randomly. I feel a bit like a geek when that happens, but not too bad. I think I can deal with the perma-smile, though, as long as stuff in my life keeps going in the same direction as it is now.

I’m going home in a week or so for the long weekend to see my family. I haven’t been home since June, so I’m pretty excited. My little nephew will be another month and a half older, my grandparents are up from the States, and I get to spend Saturday on the farm relaxing. I can’t wait for the down-time.

I love not having anything to complain about. I don’t think that I’m giddy, but I’m just full of happiness. Even stuff in my life that does sort of suck, like debt, and going back to school in a month or so just doesn’t seem all that bad.

This is sort of a boring entry today. It’s a “yay for me, my life is fun” one, which really doesn’t explain why life is so great. I’m just so excited about where my life is heading, and to see what happens in the next year or two.

I’m meeting some friends of a good friend in a few weeks. This good friend is becoming very important to me, and I think that me meeting his friends is important to him, and I don’t want them to think I’m completely ditzy or a "bad match" for this friend of mine. So, I’m a bit nervous. What my friends think of this friend is important to me, so it’s understandable that what his friends think of me would be important to him. What if they hate me!?!?! That scares me.

I don’t think they will, but I haven’t met his family yet either. What if his friends don’t like me? It’s not exactly a good omen for meeting his family! All of this stuff is so new to me. It’s strange being nervous to meet people, because I’m never nervous. I’m relatively outgoing, and usually get along with people. I just don’t want to feel like I have to prove something.

But that’s the worst worry in my life right now. I don’t exactly have a lot to be upset about. And that’s the way I like it.

Baby Cool Your Jets

Today was good. It was great actually. One of the interesting things about having an excessive personality is that you hit extremes sometimes. When I woke up this morning I never would have guessed how it would end. But it ended so much better than I figured it would when it began.

I realized some stuff about a relationship, thanks to a good friend and my big mouth and my blog. Then I freaked out (thats the excessiveness in me) about the speed of things, and didn't know what to do. Then I spilled my guts to the guy I freaked out about, and felt a bit better, and then I talked and talked and talked.

In any case, it was all very necessary, and calming. Sometimes I wonder why people are friends with me. I can be so far up and then so far down, and then I hit this calm where things are a bit more clear, and I'm sure all of this changing makes people confused...

Things in my life needed to slow down, and they will. There's still hope for the future, but the future isn't tomorrow, or even next month. I have time now and I was able to be honest and just talk, and somehow what I said made some sense to who it needed to make sense to.

I just want to press pause sometimes and slow down. My life seems like a freight train this summer, and I need to hit the brakes before I jump the track I think. Tonight that started to happen, and after tomorrow this whole pulling back thing is going to spread to other parts of my life. It has to, or I'm going to go even more crazy than I already am.

To all who are friends with me: thanks for putting up with me. I'm all over the board, and I feel like I just need someone to stop me. So thanks. I know I'm a bit much to deal with sometimes.

(And to Rosie: you are exactly what I needed today. You rock, and I hope you know how special you are.)

Possibilities ....

It’s been a while since I added anything of any significance to this little online “Hannah tell-all” and some people (Hi Rosie) have been bugging me to update it. The thing is, I need 2 things to be able to update this blog. The first is time, and the second is a subject. Since today work is really slow, and I’m here all alone, I finally have time, and because of some strange turns of events and realizations that have happened in the last week or two, I think I have a subject. Its probably going to be one of those cryptic, few people will get it types, I think, but if you really want to know what its all about then you probably know me enough to know my phone number and you can just call. Its not that I’m very secretive, it just seems weird to publish names and stuff when they aren’t my own, and maybe it makes stuff easier to talk about when it’s not so blatant?

So, things in life a good. Pretty great in fact. I’ve done A LOT of thinking over the last month or so, and dealt with fun subjects such as “what does God want for me?” and “what do I really want in a guy?” and things like that. Of course, I seem to pray a lot more when things are more intense in life, but I’m very at peace about where all my thinking and praying got me. I can look forward to the future a bit more now. I have hopes that might actually come true someday.

For the first time, there is someone in my life who I can see a future with, who might actually see the same thing in me. This thought completely freaks me out, because I don’t really know where things are going with him, or when, and I’ve never actually had a long term relationship. At the same time I’m completely excited about finding out what’s going to happen with this, and where it might end up!

There is always more to relationships than “he likes me and I like him.” There are things I’m still unsure about, and I’m sure there are things about me that he is unsure about, but at least I can talk to him. I’m not jumping into anything with him or moving too fast by any stretch of the imagination, nor am I idealistic that the way will be paved. I’m just happy with how things are now, and interested to see what will happen.

Who knows?