Africa, Canada and Gilmore Girls

Currently Listening To: Hear Me, Kelly Clarkson. (GREAT song. My new favorite of the week).

Well, do I have some news! But first – about my day. Today I feel like I was extra productive. I went to class, and was not late, and I didn’t drink coffee AND I didn’t fall asleep in class! Then after class I went to Tim Hortons, where I did have coffee, and I had lunch and I studied, and then I went to Second Cup, and had another cup of coffee, and I studied all afternoon! Then I went to my night class and didn’t fall asleep during it either! (Most likely because I had finally caffeinated.) Also, it’s a class on the culture and people of Mesoamerica, and they practiced crazy things like human sacrifice and blood letting, and how can you fall asleep in a class like that?! It’s like reading National Geographic! (Which, as it happens, I also did today! I just got the new one. I haven’t had a chance to read all of it, but there are some great pictures of Hawaiian creatures and also the salt mines in Africa.)

Speaking of Africa, I just read a book where the main character went to Africa to work at a refugee camp. It made me think about living how I do, and question why it is I deserve to live the life I do, sitting here in front of my computer listening to Kelly Clarkson cranked on my head phones, when there are people out there literally dying. Like DYING. And I can be a good little conservative and say well, they should have just worked harder, I am blessed to live in a good country. I could have been born in some 3rd world African country wracked by drought, famine and civil war JUST AS EASILY. The thing is I’M NOT SPECIAL. It’s a fluke. If God loves everyone equally then it’s a crock to say that he’s “blessed” western nations with wealth and comfort. Western Nations like Canada may have pretended to build their country on “Godly principles” but in fact, when you look at history, we’ve turned around and given him the finger just like every other country in the world. The Bible says that lying is wrong, but even our LEADERS are rarely giving us the facts, and we don’t even expect them to! That’s the crazy thing! It’s INGRAINED in us to doubt people that WE ELECT. God invents marriage, we wreck it, half of us get divorced, the other half complain about their spouses. God invents MAN and WOMAN and we decide that man on man is ok because it TOTALLY WORKS. I mean, look at all the babies being BORN into happy same-sex parent families – oh wait. That’s PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. So, ya, I was born in a “Christian” nation. Sure.

But have I ever even given my twenty eight dollars a month to world vision? No. Because I need a new PDA and the Gilmore Girls on DVD. When I really start to think then I get scared because my good “conservative” roots start to look really selfish and questionable. Why the HELL do I deserve to live the way I do? I don’t. And people starving in Africa don’t deserve to live that way either. But never mind, I should keep my money and time because I worked for it, and giving it to people that actually need it is communist. So screw that. I’m going to go to bed and set my CD alarm clock, so that I wake up in time to drive my car to Tim’s and get a coffee before class. You know, I’ve been thinking. My bed is pretty rickety, and my mattress is hurting my back, so I should probably get a new one. Because there is definitely no better use for that money. There isn’t anyone in the world sleeping on the ground in huts.

Oh great – now I’m all frustrated.

On a lighter note, and back to the news that I have: I was watching the first season of Gilmore Girls tonight (you know, the DVD I referred to earlier) and it was Rory’s birthday. Now, her grandmother sent invitations to all the people in her class that she doesn’t like. This normally would be terrible, except that they showed an invitation on the screen, and (this is probably my favorite part of this day) her birthday is OCTOBER 8th! Now, to those of you who don’t realize the significance of this date, let me give you a hint: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY ON OCTOBER 8th!! So, starting on Sunday, my birthday week begins! (I will explain the concept of the birthday week on my next blog.)

Now that I have so much guilt I think that I will start sponsoring a child. That will appease my conscience for a few weeks. Sorry, don’t mean to be too ranty. It’s just the mix of this song and my mind over-thinking. (or am I over-thinking? hmmmmmm)

Honesty and other policies

I think I'm going to start a new section of my blog: current music selection. I listen to a lot of music, and what I'm listening to often indicates what mood I'm in, so I think I'm going to start each blog with a "music" section. So, to begin:

Listening to: Oh Holy Night. By: so far, Celine Dion, Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey (slightly embarrassed about the last two), Kelly Clarkson... and a few others.

I have a feeling that this blog will be a little less than coherent. Not that my little rants are normally very well thought out, but this time I have a whole bunch of little things bouncing around in my mind and they need to come out somewhere, so this screen is going to be my victim.

First of all, I'd like to say that honesty, although the best policy is not the easiest one. I firmly believe that it’s always the right thing to be truthful, however sometimes it sucks. I wish that life was easy and decisions were easy and that explaining them to people was easy, but none of that is easy, and sometimes that is hard. Hurting people is hard, even though it’s sometimes necessary.

Well, the last few paragraphs were written yesterday at about 6:00 pm. Now its 3:44 September 26. I went to class today, and came home, and finished watching the pilot of the Gilmore Girls and eating some nachos and cheese for lunch, and now I should go do some reading for my classes.

There's been a lot of thinking involved in my life lately. Thinking about guys, and how complicated that can all be. I would recommend never needing to break up with someone. It just makes things hard and it hurts people. I would recommend meeting "the one" and being sure of them right away and dating for an appropriate amount of time, and getting engaged and smiling a lot and getting married and having 2.3 children and having a very happy and sterile life. It would make things so much easier if we came with little tags when we were born that said "Your name is Hannah and you will marry Bob so-and-so." Then you would google your future spouse and meet when you turned 18, so that dating could take place as necessary. I am definitely going to suggest this for the future. Finding your own person is just way too hard. I hate it.

Of course, my belief that there isn't just one person chosen for each person does sort of thwart the previous theory, but whatever. I'm allowed to have contradictory theories if I want to. I'm blonde - it comes with the territory.

I think that this little rant is going to turn into one of those "where are all the good Christian guys" things. Recently, a Christian guy told me that for the most part, Christian guys are not necessarily not interested in dating, they are just lacking in the "balls" department. (Mom is going to be upset that I used the term "balls" but to say that they are just scared doesn't really get the point across does it?) My dad wants me to write a book about Christian guys in the world today. Not that I've had a lot of experience dating these guys, however it’s more my (and other girls I know) lack of experience that is the subject of my book. The problem is that if I write it now I think that I will come across as a bitter and cynical feminist or something. I am not bitter or a feminist though, in real life, but I am a cynic and so if I could just write like a cynic then I would do alright. Another problem is that if I wait until I finally meet that guy and things are peachy then I won't want to write the book, or I'll be writing the book wearing rose-colored glasses. It will be one of those books that good little Christian girls read that basically says: I know it seems hopeless girls, but you'll meet your man someday - I did, and it’s wonderful! Then all good Christian girls run to the bathroom and throw up because they've been fed that line so often that their body is physically rejecting it.

Ha ha. I just read what I have written so far, and it makes me laugh. Oh, well. I hope some of you get a kick out of my ranting.

I’ve been missing home a lot lately. I know my mom knows this, because I’ve been calling every day and trying to think of fun stories so that I have an excuse to call. I’m sure she is slightly annoyed by me, but that’s ok. You’d think that I would be embarrassed to be 22 and excited to call my parents, but I’m not. They’re pretty fun people, and I like them! I can’t wait for Thanksgiving. My house will be decorated, and it will smell like turkey and stuffing, and my grandparents will be there, and everything will be wonderful. Plus, my birthday is the Saturday before, which means that I get presents! (Not to sound selfish or anything). In any case – I suppose that I should get some reading done. Or maybe take a nap. It’s a toss up. Maybe just a little nap. Then I’ll get up, make coffee and be good and study all evening. Yes, that is a great plan. Naps are my mom’s cure for everything. Feeling stressed? Have a power nap. Feeling sad? Power nap. Feeling apathetic? Power nap. And in case you are wondering – Feeling sleepy? Power nap. So whenever I should be studying and instead am tired and want to procrastinate, I call mom and she says “just have a quick power nap,” and then I can have a nice guilt free nap because mom said so.

So, good night to you all. I’ll be up in ½ an hour! (or maybe a couple ½ an hours.)

September 21: Christmas Music

Well, I have 11 minutes before I have to leave to go to class. I try to leave 45 minutes before my class starts, which gives me 20 or 25 minutes to get there, 10 minutes to find parking, 10 minutes to walk to class and usually about 5 minutes to spare. I hate students who consistently come in late, or even right when the prof starts talking. Like the world should stop for them.

10 minutes: I don’t know what it is about this time of year. School is back in, the leaves are turning, and us Zacharias women start listening to Christmas music. I used to tease my mom mercilessly about this little habit of hers, and now at the age of 22 (for a couple more weeks) I am doing the same thing. Today, I actually wished it would snow! What am I turning in to?! I used to think that I could move somewhere that it would never snow and I would be happy. I could just visit mom and dad in the blustery north a couple of weeks a year and that would be my snow allotment. Today I’m re-thinking that line. I was listening to The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole this morning and I realized that I love the way I grew up. I love it that my house smelled like fall in the fall, and like Christmas at Christmas (and sometimes like fall and Christmas in the spring and summer).

6 minutes: I actually have found myself wanting to decorate recently. And not “interior design” decorate, either. I want to hang fall type garlands, and wreaths, and buy candles that smell like pumpkins and other fall scents. I think I might! (I mean the candles – I’m not sure how excited my roommate would be to come home to a house overtaken by fall.) I don’t know what is happening to me. But I like it.

4 minutes: I listened to “Oh Holy Night” on 3 different cd’s this morning – Nat King Cole, Trans Siberian Orchestra, and Point of Grace. It is BY FAR my favorite Christmas song. I think that I’m going to download it by as many people as I can find, and make a whole cd with just one song, over and over. Ooooooo – now I’m excited. It will be my favorite.

2 minutes: Confession: this is not the first time in the last few weeks that I’ve listened to Christmas music. Ha ha ha.

1 minute: better post this, and go to class.

Clay Pigeons and I

Sometimes I think that God must have had a lot of fun picking personalities for all of us. We are all some strange combination of our parent’s personalities, with a bunch of life and other “nurture” stuff thrown in, and then we “are who we are.” My mom, for instance: she is the world’s greatest wife and homemaker, the best person I know at anything that is stereotypically feminine and kind. Similarly, Dad is the best guy at anything “manly,” and his personality complements his abilities.

Then there is me.

You would think that I might have gotten the best of both of them. But no. Instead I’m talkative, loud and opinionated, like my father, and slightly crazy (but fun) like my mom. Instead of getting Dad’s decisiveness and mom’s desire to work in the kitchen and provide nourishing meals for her family, I got Mom’s quirks and Dad’s voice. Lovely.

On Monday I spent the day at home. Mom and Alician were in the kitchen making applesauce out of the crab apples they had picked, and Dad and Dan were outside shooting trap. And where was I?

Shooting Trap.

Again, could I BE more feminine? Sometimes I think it’s no wonder that I don’t have a boyfriend. I have some “feminine” qualities, and some “masculine.” Is it really that much of a surprise when I am called “intimidating?” I don’t think so. Considering that I have done more “guy” stuff than many guys have, and I’m not as good at most “girl” stuff as most girls are, I’m actually not that shocked at my dating history.

Not that I plan on changing anything.

I like that I can do stuff that most girls can’t. I love it that I’ve had “guy” jobs, and that I’m not afraid of guys in general. I don’t really like it that it’s not this innate desire to be in the kitchen providing for my “future husband,” but I also think that this comes with the territory, and when I have that sort of a person in my life I will enjoy (or at least not dread) doing those things that are generally filled by the role of the wife.

My personality has helped me out in some ways though, and I’m not complaining about who I am either. I am very thankful that I’m more of a “leader” than a “follower,” and I am also very thankful that I’ve managed to make relatively good decisions throughout my life without making 20 wrong ones first.

It’s just interesting what God makes of two completely different people, and how some strange combination of DNA and environment can create a person unlike any other person in the entire world.

By the way – trap shooting is really fun, and I did manage to hit 2 out of the 12 or 13 (or maybe 14 or 15) clay pigeons. Hey, I just said it was fun, not that I was any good!

Major Events and Chairs

Now, I realize that two posts in one day is sort of overkill for me, but I have realized that there has been a major event in my life that I have not mentioned. I have noticed that I don’t really talk about what happens in my life, more just what I’m thinking about. This actual, tangible event, though, deserves a little recognition. Yesterday, I went school supply shopping. This event, usually taking place several weeks before I start a new school year, is the single most exciting shopping trip of the year. I have a deep love and affection for office supplies of all kinds. I am not biased towards one brand over another. Pencils, Pens, Erasers, PAPER, oh my! White-out, HIGHLIGHTERS, dividers, report covers…. It’s all so exciting!

For me, it’s better than buying clothing, food, technology, makeup, or jewelry. To open a new highlighter is to open up a whole world of possibilities. My favorite line in “You’ve Got Mail” is not at the end where Meg Ryan says that she had hoped it was Tom Hanks who was emailing her all along, it’s right at the beginning where he’s writing about New York in the fall, and how he’d send her a bouquet of pencils if he knew her address! A whole bouquet! Now, wouldn’t that be lovely! It would be better than flowers for me! School supplies are fresh, and they don’t go bad after a few days. They can last all year long!

What a joyful occasion in my life. Don’t get me wrong - I love shopping in general. I love new stuff, no matter what it is. Literally. I can buy a new bottle of Tylenol and be excited at the fullness of it, and the fact that I get to open the seal all by myself. I even love opening cans with a can opener, because whatever’s inside has never been seen before by any shopper. I love taking tags off new clothes, and assembling whatever I’ve recently acquired from Ikea. But there is nothing quite like school supplies.

I just thought I’d share that with everyone.

Also, I spun around on office chairs in Staples. You have to try them out. It’s just not right to walk by and leave them sitting there all alone.

Cliques and Geeks

Well, I guess the point of this blog has become a bit hazy. At first it was to keep people updated about what was happening in my life, and to give people a bit of a different perspective when it comes to me. Now it’s more of a journal type thing, which other people read. So, I feel like I need to update it not just to keep people up-to-date on my life activities, but also because I need an outlet. Strange that my outlet is this super-public website, barred to no one.

Today’s topic is going to be cliques, with maybe a few cryptic other-type thoughts thrown in.

Cliques are something that most girls in the world, including me, are intimately familiar with. I grew up in a church that was known as a “clique-y” church, and I was part of an almost impenetrable clique for most of junior high and high school. Cliques are nothing to complain about if you’re part of one. And I was, and I knew it. We weren’t mean to other people (ie. Girls) but we didn’t make any attempt to include other people in our “circle of friends.” We knew we were that way, and because we were content with how things were, we didn’t change anything. College changed things a bit, but I think that girls naturally form these super-close knit groups with each other. We are built for relationships with other people, so we like having the security of a “best friend” or a “clique.” Quite often there are even “cliques” within cliques that are only known to those who are part of them.

Cliques are also terrible things. When you aren’t part of them then you feel left out, lonely and confused, wondering what you can do to become part of it, or what you did to get left out of it. Girls in general (or maybe it’s just me) tend to have lower rather than higher self esteem. We say things like “It doesn’t matter to me that I’m not going” or “I don’t want to hang out with them anyways” and tell our best friends the truth, that we’re hurt and sad. Eventually what we say becomes truth though. We stop caring. We harden our hearts and what other people do or don’t invite us to doesn’t matter, or if it does, we barely feel it anymore. Sometimes the strength of women doesn’t come from their heart, it comes from being forced to deal with hard stuff, and therefore become hard themselves. This isn’t the way it should be, but this is the world, and this is life, we tell ourselves.

Cliques are about comfort if you’re in one. Cliques are about confusion if you’re not. And people are selfish, and oblivious, and I’m a cynic. So when it comes to changing this, I’ll watch out for myself, and try and be inclusive, but I have no faith in people realizing where they’re at themselves, and examining into their own hearts.

As far as my own life goes, recently, I’ve been content. Not in upheaval in my heart, and not worried. It’s been nice to have a bit of peace. Being single again is nice, honestly. Not because I get some sick pleasure from hurting guys, but because, for now, it’s where I need to be. The future is the future, and I’m deciding to rely on God for today and for whatever tomorrow holds.

I can’t believe it, but I’m actually excited to go back to school. Not because I hate work (I actually really like my job) but because it’s the beginning of the end of school, and because I’ve got some really good classes this fall. I’m taking a couple Anthropology classes about the cultures of Middle America and West Africa, as well as a history class that should cover the reformation and stuff that I’m interested in, and a religion class on early Christian writings! I’m so excited! I love options! I think I’m going to be one of those people who keep learning through their whole life – I think they call that geekiness. So I guess you can be clique-y and geeky.

Thinking about today...

I figure if I’m in front of a computer all day, it’s as good a time as any to update my blog. It’s been a while, and as usual, things have changed again. Not everything, but some things. I’m still as busy as ever, and I still feel like I need about a week off of life, but that’s not about to happen any time soon. I think I should plan a trip for next summer, and that will be the one big thing for me to look forward to. Maybe I’ll just drive, and see where I end up. I wish that I knew a lot more about cars, then I could go by myself, and not worry about breaking down, but at least I have AMA.

I need to become more spontaneous. If there is one thing I am NOT it is spontaneous. My life is planned, and I pretty much know what I’m doing for the next several years. This is not only due to my lack of spontaneity, but also due to a lack of money and the necessity to pay off student loans and other forms of debt I’ve incurred while my living expenses have been higher than my income.

I’m not really that spontaneous in relationships either. Which is why, though I might have jumped into one, it took me only 3 short weeks to jump back out. I don’t think I ended things with no reason, or even that starting this relationship was a complete mistake. There was just too much I was unsure about, and stuff that I couldn’t get over quite yet. Being in a relationship is fun, don’t get me wrong. Having someone who somehow thinks that you are worth hanging out with as much as possible, and who doesn’t see the worst in you isn’t something to complain about.

The thing is, my mind doesn’t usually just stay “in the moment.” My mind works pretty linearly – and so regarding time, I tend to think in the future. This isn’t always an asset when it comes to relationships, because this means that I think of the future in things when I’ve only been dating for a few days really, and if that future is hazy, I get scared. I’m not good at unknowns in life; I like control. So, in this case, I wasn’t sure about things, and I don’t like to put off the inevitable. I want to make sure what I’m doing is right, and not just hope that it will become right in the future.

It sucks, don’t get me wrong. Breaking up is not the easiest thing in the world to do; in fact, it’s probably one of the hardest. Breaking up with someone as great as the guy I broke up with is both much harder than your stereotypical break up (if there is there such a thing), and at the same time, much easier. On one hand, I knew that breaking up with this guy was the right thing for the time being, and that he would just take it and not be mad at me. I knew he would suck it up, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to argue with him to end things. On the other hand, it’s unbelievably hard to knowingly hurt someone who thinks the world of you, and who you think the world of. There are a lot of terrible things I would rather do than break up with someone who has never wanted less than the best for you.

That’s another thing. Nothing changed while we were dating. He didn’t do anything “wrong” to make me NEED to break up with him. I probably shouldn’t have started a relationship with him when I did, I should have waited till I was more sure of things in the first place, but I didn’t. And then I got to back track, which is a very hard thing to do.


I suppose I’m relatively content with where things are now. NOT being in a relationship but still being friends is tough, considering that some stuff becomes habit, but I think that we can handle it. As far as the future goes (there I go again – thinking in a line) who knows? There’s always hope that it will all work out, but for now, I need to concentrate on today (which seems to be pretty much impossible).