that girl who has a blog

2 years

2009-02-02T15:12:00.002-07:00

It's been a while since I've updated this thing. So long that I wonder if I can even still write. New things since then?

I started dating a farmer
I moved to a new town
I married that farmer
I moved to a farm
I now own land
We built a basement
We moved our house onto that basement
We went to Ontario on holidays
We saw some concerts
I spent my first Christmas away from home
I get to be with guy I love every day.

Life is good.

Promise to update again soon.

Twisted Reasoning

2007-06-17T17:09:00.000-06:00

Here is my observations from the last 3-4 days:

I've decided that meeting single guys can go one of 2 ways in about the first 3 weeks:

1. Meet new guy - he doesn't immediately have a crush on you - you're nice to him - you get to be friends.

2. Meet a guy - does immediately have a crush on you - you're nice to him - you are leading him on. Bitch!

Sorry for the language, but that's what it seems like. If he doesn't like you, you're screwed if you ever like him back, but if he DOES like you, and you don't return the feelings you're a bitch for leading him on and crushing his heart.

If you flip the situation, though, and it's a guy meeting a girl, and they're nice to the girl, and the girl immediately likes the guy, the girl is an idiot if she assumes the guy likes her.

I'd just like to point out that it's not my fault, being NICE does not constitute leading on, and the whole situation not fair to girls.

mellow rainy night

2007-06-11T21:34:00.000-06:00

Tonight seems like a good night to update the blog. Did some marking, messing about on facebook, watched several (meaning 3) episodes of a very special new show called Maui Fever. I'm feeling pretty good about it all, and now I'm just veggin and mellow and havin a bit of a drink. Jammin to some finger eleven and the fray, chillin in the rain. (ok, the rain is outside, i'm inside but the windows open, so it smells good). I'm feelin like its going to be one of those "random capitalization" nights on the blog. Why capitalize when i just don't feel like it? I'm not teaching, so screw it. I'm a rebel. What can I say?

So, the year is almost done. happy about that. Don't get me wrong, i love my job, i just love the absence of my job a little more. i love the rain, probably equally to the sun, depending on the day. I should be more stressed about the whole "end of the year" thing. I should go do some more marking probably, try to catch up and all. I just don't really care... i'm a bit apathetic about it all really. It'll all get done before the end comes, it always does.

thoughts on life: i'm freaking happy right now. i love living alone, i love that i have friends in random places, i love that i never have to pay for a hotel if i don't want to, i love that wherever i go it's home. Whitecourt is home, Sherwood Park is home, GP is home. I have a pretty great life.

got some news today that made me think. I can't say what it was cause there are apparently 3 people that read this, and its a secret for another month or so. But in any case, it made me think that its about time i got married and all that. i'm at "that age" now. i love my friends, but at some point one of them has got to step up to the plate i figure. hopefully not to long from now, but whatever. like I said, i'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

thats enough for now. I should go mark it up.

Facebook

2007-06-01T06:37:00.001-06:00

Oh the wonder of facebook. Aside from the obvious heroin-addictiveness that is facebook, there are several other reasons that I love it, one that just struck me like lightnening this morning. And here is it:

Facebook has pseudo replaced the phone. Its actually better than msn, because you don't have the immediate necessity to reply and you can tell people why you aren't on facebook at that moment by using facebook itself. Now some might argue that you can do this in the little msn comment bar, but that still begs the question, well why are you online if you're not available... even if you are set to "away."

By saying [Insert name here] is "going to [insert location]" you've immediately negated all questions that might arise from your absence. You can even go into more detail giving reasons and return times. In some cases it can even remove the need to call someone back - depending on the reason or if they are your facebook friend.

I really need to go now because "[This girl] is going to her parents house for the weekend and hasn't finished packing."

In closing: Thankyou facebook, thankyou.

Goals and direction

2007-04-01T22:39:00.000-06:00

Apparently anything worth writing about in the last month or so revolves around Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm a little embarrased about this, but not enough to NOT write whats on my mind, so here it goes.

I watched Blood Diamond tonight, alone (which is really not all that surprising) and it made me cry (also not that surprising). Here is a bit of background about me that you might not know:

1. I went to Mali, Africa when I was 16 for 2 months. In hind sight I can't believe my parents let me go, but I was pretty sure of myself and they were pretty sure of God, so it worked.

2. I had no idea what was going on politically or economically in Mali at the time and wasn't worried about it... maybe I wouldn't have gone if I was less ignorant though, so its a good thing probably.

3. What I did want to do was find out what a missionary does. I wanted to be a missionary and so I thought living with one would give me a good idea about what life was like.

4. I don't know if I still want to be a missionary most of the time. Sometimes though, like today, I feel driven to it, like there is a point to it.

Ok, so now to put it all together.

I go through stages when my life feels really pointless. Ok, I'm a teacher, so maybe pointless is the wrong word for it. I know that I'm teaching kids things that matter and for some of them I might be a good person who they like. I feel somewhat... replaceable I guess. I am doing a job that thousands of other people are qualified to do, though. At the U of A, something like 2-3 thousand people graduate from the Faculty of Education each year. So really, even though the kids might like me, and I may even make a difference in a few kids lives over the years, my job is replaceable. If I disappeared completely the school would scramble for a few days, maybe a week tops, and then there would be someone else in my classroom, with my kids, teaching my subjects.

These realizations, however, are not causing me to despair at this moment though. They are really just more background to where I'm going with all this.

I've decided that there is a reason that I'm alone. There is a reason that I haven't lost my faith, and there is a reason that my heart feels pulled to do more than give money when I see movies like Blood Diamond. I'm not built to stay. If I get married, I will marry someone who is ok not being stable or rich, but someone who is driven and needs fulfillment from something other than western success.

So here are my new rough goals for the next few years:

1. Go back to Africa

2. Be Irreplaceable.

3. Be Fulfilled.

Now the qualifier: It's late, I'm tired and ranty, and I don't know what this all will sound like tomorrow morning. I know that right now though, its where my heart is though, and if I need to I'll delete it later.

Leonardo DiCaprio

2007-02-24T00:42:00.000-07:00

Now, for possibly the most shallow and girlie blog of all time. I just watched "The Departed." Do you know what I was thinking? Was it, "Wow, Martin Scorsese sure deserves the Oscar for this one!" or even, "Great movie!" (which it was) or maybe "Wow, these people use the f-word more than anyone else I know."

Nope, it wasn't any of those things. Here is what I was thinking, for the most part:

Leonardo DiCaprio is hot. Not like teen-idol hot. And not, "wow, he's such a great person, I'm really happy with all of his humanitarian efforts around the world and his amazing humility" hot. Just plain hot. He's got the ripped bad boy look down. And I am happy he grew up. So there you go. Apparently Jack Dawson still has something to him.

I'm going to go to bed now. How did it get to be so late?

content

2007-02-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight I know what the word content means. I'm not joyful, not happy. I'm not depressed or sad. I'm just quiet and ok with life. I don't remember the last time I said words. Maybe to my mom on the phone on the way home from work? No, to the guy at the video rental place. That must have been it. Weird. I haven't said anything since before 5:00. That's about 5 hours ago. How can I be such a hermit on Friday night? Its part of the small-town really-tired-teacher package. I'll go to the city and party-it-up next weekend, but for tonight, quietness is ok.

Being alone all the time sucks. There. The same thing I've been saying since I moved here. I hate it. I mean, I like the town, I like the few people I do know here, I like my students, and some of the people I work with, but I hate being alone. Just having someone in the next room watching the crappy Canadian stand-up that is on in the background would be nice. This isn't another pathetic plea for a boyfriend, its just a longing for companionship. I miss my friends, my life, being thought of and included in Friday night stuff. When you move away, you don't get called and invited out. (Hell, you don't even get called period.) My phone bill is retarded. And most of the calls are to my parents. I'm ok being lame, but it would be nice to have a break from it once in a while. Its great to have friends, and I know I have them, and I'm not worried or insecure in my relationships with them so that I would need a nightly call to remind me that I'm still their friend. We talk on msn and things are normal when I visit, but having verbal interaction is necessary, I think. You want to be able to convey emotion and inflection with more than an emoticon sometimes. I know that its expensive and that I'm long distance to everyone, but frick, how unimportant am I that I'm not even worth a few dollars and a couple minutes?

I should explain one thing though. My sister does call. We talk almost every day. And I don't always have to dial. And that means a lot. It would be nice though if my phone rang once in a while (not even every night) and it was just a friend. Like a reminder that I'm important to someone.

Ok, I've managed to slip from content to depressed again. List of things that are good in my life:

- I finally get a day off tomorrow. Nothing scheduled. Just have to catch up on house stuff and work, but no major events.
- We started a new Bible Study on prayer based on a book by Philip Yancey (called Prayer, fittingly) that I'm really excited about. I think it will be good to do some work on it. Regardless of ones beliefs, it seems like prayer is a universal, depending on the situation. If life is bad enough, though, everyone calls to the supernatural for help. Maybe I'll write a blog about it.
- My car is still running. There might be something a little wrong with the wiring in one area, and maybe my tires need to be rotated, but it's started and run perfectly all winter. And this winter, that's saying something.
- I get a 25 minute drive to work each morning. I get to watch the sunrise and every day it's different.
- The week is done. Hallelujah.
- k, I'm better.

procrastination 101

2007-02-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

It's one of those nights where I have a thousand things to do, and a busy day tomorrow, but I can't get around to starting doing anything. My dishes need to be done, the garbage needs to be taken out, my suitcase from last weekend needs to be unpacked, and I have marking and planning to do. But, I just don't feel like it. Instead I want to do nothing. I would rather sleep, sit here and write, drive around, talk on the phone, talk on msn... literally anything is better than doing something productive. I'm hoping that this blog will make me millions someday and then count as productive somehow.

I'm listening to "Sam's Town," the most recent Killers album. For all the hype about it being "so much different" than "Hot Fuss," it sounds pretty much the same to me... which isn't a bad thing, because I liked that album. It's just not this "new, more mature" sound that they advertised. Basically, it's still the Killers. Fun, bouncy, lots of keyboard, good drumming.

"When I grow up, I want to be a teacher." Do you know how many times I said that? zero. Not even once. I used to play teacher, but I didn't actually want to be one. Is it weird that I am? I feel like I don't take my job that seriously. Ok, maybe not really. I mean the lesson planning, marking, classroom stuff I take seriously, but there is A LOT of crap that goes on behind the scenes... with contracts, benefits, rules, requirements... all politics really... that I could care less about. Maybe its because I'm in my first year, and right now, the planning, marking, classroom stuff is the most important, but I hope I don't really lose that in the long run. I sort of hope I never care. I never want to be in admin, I never want to work at the "district level" or work for the Association or the board or anything. I just want to teach kids.

One kid asked me today if I was going to be here next year. I said I wasn't sure, but he said he wanted me to teach "24" (meaning Science 24 - I'm teaching 14 right now). This could be because he likes me better than the other teacher who currently teaches it, but it could just be because I'm a good teacher. I'm going with the latter, but I'll take either honestly. haha

Is it weird that labs make me nervous, and I'm a science teacher? I had a semi-bad experience with a lab in practicum ... it was sort of hilarious, but still did not go smoothly exactly. I could (and probably should) do a decomposition reaction tomorrow... at least as a demo... but I'm not going to. haha - I hope my principal never reads this. Maybe I can think of something else to do instead. Maybe there is a demo online somewhere. Or a movie... :)

Alright... maybe I should actually get around to work. And maybe take the garbage out - its one of those things that probably shouldn't be put off...

happy freaking valentines

2007-02-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

It is a bad day to listen to depressing music. And an even worse one to watch a semi-depressing movie. I honestly had the best day I've had in a really long time. I left work really happy. My principal told me I was a great teacher. Not a good one, not a decent one, but a great one. And he's one of those people that it actually means something coming from. Someone told me it was nice to see my smile back. (I just got over a week-long headache thanks to a chiropractor and a masseuse.) And I've been home for about 4 1/2 hours now. And I'm depressed. Because its Valentines, and I'm alone, and I know this is pathetic. But what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't it just work. Just once, why can't it be right. Because it only has to be right once. And then, it can be right forever. But if once hasn't happened yet, then... well then, I stay at home marking, watching semi-depressing movies and listening to "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap on repeat. And that is all I have energy for.

The Secret

2007-01-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

You will all be happy to know the secret to making Gilmore Girls good again. You watch it WHILE doing something completely un-related. For instance: tonight, I folded and put away laundry WHILE watching Gilmore Girls. I was able to follow the story line, and only watched about half of the actual episode. It kept me as engaged as it possibly could, I enjoyed it, and my room is so much cleaner!

Guess what else I did tonight?! I talked to my sister about her date, that she's on right now, with a very nice Christian... who also happens to be the son of possibly the richest Christians in Grande Prairie. What can I say, she knows how to pick 'em! (Am I jealous, you might ask? Well, a bit, but I'm mostly just happy for her.)

I also did ALL kinds of laundry. Hallelujah for clean socks and towels (and other unmentionables... it was time... lets just put it that way). That laundry, as previously stated, is actually AWAY... in its proper home hanging in the closet or in a drawer where it should be. This is something relatively new and different for me. I have flashbacks to my childhood, but I'm not actually sure I remember the last time I put away laundry the DAY that it was washed and dried. hmmmm.

Wow, you might be thinking... this girl is PRODUCTIVE! Well, that's actually not even all I did! I also took all the garbage out! Even the pile of boxes like milk cartons and a pizza box that was BESIDE my garbage. I know! I must be crazy!

Well, after this much laborious work, I you'd think I'd deserve a break... well, think again. Between laundry loads I actually managed to BUILD A SHELF... yes, you heard right. I whole shelf. A little one, that is going to pretend to be a night stand for the rest of the foreseeable future, but its got 3 shelves inside, and even doors. (A bit over the top, I admit... apparently the hinges are called "European." I'm not sure why, but thats what the box said. I'll have to agree that they seemed very haut couture to me.)

In any case, I'm pretty proud of myself and my work tonight. I haven't done dishes... but I figure I should save SOMETHING for tomorrow.

I realize that I've used a lot of CAPITAL LETTERS in this post. I've accepted that I'm not actually talking to you all, so that is my way of putting inflection into this. So that you know I'm not monotonous. Even in my mind I am a GREAT public speaker.

Also, I need to get my mind off the fact that I don't have anyone to hang out with here. And the guy who I want to talk to is in the air flying right now I think. And my other friends are all set as away on msn. Whats with that? Oh, wait. So am I.

Alright... I dont' know what to do now. I've got about 45 minutes till House is on... yay for a new House! What the heck am I going to do to stay busy till then. If you say "do dishes" I'll hurt you. I hate dishes.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, to waste some time I was just reading through my old blogs (some which I should probably delete before they start haunting me), and I found one from May 31, 2005 that I liked. So, check back. I don't just like it because of Rosie's very nice comment (which I do like... haha) but because it is sort of me again. I think we go through cycles in life, and somehow I'm back there. Life being sort of a teeny bit complicated (not upside down like then) but me being happy and ok, and trusting in God. Because he's great. And he listens. Even when we don't think he is.

new song and date night

2007-01-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

So, my new favorite song is called Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap. Its SO beautiful. Her voice is clear and there is no guessing about it. Every note is perfect.

I had a date last night. It was sort of a modified date, because ground rules were set before we even set the date, and we're just getting to know each other better. There is one big reason that we're not dating now, or in the near future so I get to play the patience card again... or I guess for the first time... haha.

If there is one thing that I struggle with in life it is patience. I am not gifted in the waiting department. But I've NOT waited in relationships in the past and the formula has been consistent: we date, I dump, we're hurt (and ironically enough, they end up closer to God, and we end up friends). Regardless though, it hurts, and it's too hard. This time I don't want to screw it up. So, everything is on the table, we both know where each other is at. I don't doubt that God can and will work in his life, its just the waiting and trusting.

One good thing though, is my prayer life is a million times better. I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for anything else I can think of, and I pray again and again. Its amazing the change I can see in my relationship with God in only a few weeks of consistent communication... weird how that is the way it is in any relationship... odd how you get closer when you TALK. haha

I've gotten interesting feedback from friends and family on this one. Not all the same as with other boyfriends. (with a couple exceptions) Mostly people know him and I and think its fun that we click and are just saying to be careful and take it slow. I'm not getting the looks or serious talks all the time like I have in previous relationships. That is one big difference between this one and past ones. Its really nice not to get the flack.

This isn't completely consistent though. I know I'm being smarter about this one and getting reefed on for repeating mistakes is getting old. I don't even feel like arguing anymore. I'm NOT doing anything wrong or stupid. I'm just getting to know someone. If something happens someday then it will be in Gods time. I'm trusting him this time, and I know its hard to see that from the outside, but getting told I shouldn't be doing something or that I'm doing something wrong from good friends all the time is so hard. At least its not everyone. I hate NOT talking about whats going on in my life, but I guess I sort of have to filter what I talk about with some people because I'm tired of hearing about it. Some people are awesome and curious and supportive and want the best for me, and it seems like others just want to be right. And I'm tired of being wrong.

There is my rant portion of this blog.

On a positive note, here is a list of things that I like about him:

He's honest.
He's a good driver, but not a boring driver. He knows how to use his vehicle.
He doesn't mess around. He's straight with you. There is no guessing.
He's sarcastic and CRACKS me up.
He reads.
He laughs in movies at the same parts as me.
He's unapologetic about liking guy stuff, but its ok if I know a few things about guy stuff too. (and ok when I don't haha)
He doesn't make me feel like I have something to prove to him.
He cooks! (and its ok that I don't like too)

Alright, that's not all, but I'm feeling sappy now, and I'm supposed to be patient here.

I should get back to work... and watching the Oilers game (which is on in the background now because he likes hockey. I'm such a geek.)

Imperfections

2007-01-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

Hi,

Sometimes I feel like writing a letter. Like somehow, if there is a purpose to all this writing then it would be better. So, I'm going to think of someone, and I'm going to write to that person, and maybe I can get the words out.

I'm happy today. Except that Gilmore Girls was a dissappointment. I've decided that I've given it enough chances, and I will only buy the seasons now, instead of watching them week after boring week. I'm not sure if you know that I like Gilmore Girls, but it has been an on-again-off-again relationship since I moved to Edmonton and got cable.

Sometimes I think that my imperfections are funny. They're just what makes me, me. The fact that I'm addicted to chips, and therefore can not lose weight regardless of how much I work out... sometimes I feel like that is just part of me, and its ok. And some days it makes me feel really disgusted with myself. Why don't I just have the will power to say no? The same thing goes with past relationships... why is it easy to make the same mistakes?

I want to not make that mistake again. I want everything to work out, and I want to be in love, but I want to love someone who loves God more than me. I'm afraid though. Afraid that if I let myself get close then I will automatically follow in the same path as before, even though I know that this situation is actually different. I'm not in denial like the last time. The last time I knew it was the same situation, but this time it actually is different. I've been smarter so far, and the reaction was different than the others, and I think it could actually work, but its a someday thing, instead of a tomorrow thing.

I thought about making another blog, for days when I feel like using names, and days when I feel like talking in specifics, like today. But then I thought that would be too much work. I suppose that as usual, those who stumble upon this blog will have no idea who I'm talking about, and those that know me might have an idea, and I know that he doesn't know about it, so its ok to be talking like this for now. If he ever finds out about this place, though I might have to delete it.

I just read like 200 pages of the 4th sisterhood of the travelling pants. Its a gooder, and it has very effectively sucked me in to the point that I want to go put on pjs, go to bed, and finish it tonight. I might do that... just have to set up the coffee for tomorrow morning and get everything ready in case I do fall asleep while reading. I'm not one of those people whose biological clocks are effective enough to wake themselves up at the correct time. Mine goes off within a two hour time frame of when my alarm normally does. And that two hours is actually important to me. haha.

K, more book, less blog.

Despite the bit of complaining I just did, I am really happy tonight. Because regardless of what ends up happening, and the fact that right now, nothing can be done about it, somebody likes me, and thinks I have amazing eyes.

Another big city weekend...

2007-01-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the big city again. And was it a good weekend, you might be wondering? YES. Yes, without a doubt. But first the slight downer (I want to end on the exciting). Recently I've been disappointed in people... not like major broken hearted disappointment, just general hope let down sort of disappointed. I've decided that there really is no way to keep this from happening. You always hope that things go the way you want them too, but they just don't always, and you can't force them too. It sucks, but that's the thing about people, we can hope that they do what we want them to do, but sometimes they just don't, regardless of how much better it would be for them or you if they did.

This weekend I finally got to meet someone who I had barely met, but who I had msn-ed some. There had been some mutual interest, or at least mutual curiosity. It was pretty much as perfect as it could have been, considering the amount we already knew each other and the company present. I felt special, and I felt like I was important, and I felt pretty and liked. I had butterflies for the first time in a LONG time. I can't think of a better way it could have been.

This weekend was also fabulous because I got to see all my girls, and I miss them like crazy. Going to GP is going home to family, but going to the city is going home to life. Does that make sense? I love my family, but I don't want to move back there. I want to be friends with the girls in the city forever. I think that girls need peeps. They need confidants. They need someone to complain with, to laugh with, to have good days with and bad days with. My girls aren't family in the strict definition, but they're my real life.

Ok, time for a nap now... as great as my weekend was, it was missing one of my favorite pastimes: sleep. And I am going to compensate for this right now.

another sunday night

2007-01-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those mediocre days. It wasn't especially bad, but it wasn't especially good either. Plans fell through, but I got a lot done at home too. Built a shelf, took down Christmas decorations... back to regular life.

I hate getting ditched. Its worse when you barely know the people, too. Because you don't know who to call or who to talk to. And I don't think it was on purpose, but I would have liked to know what was (or wasn't) happening. I think I'll stick to the story that they don't have the number right.

I start my new job tomorrow. I hate "night before's." With a passion. I can never sleep. Doesn't matter if I'm skiing, teaching, or whatever else it might be. And "night before first day's" are even worse. New experiences are hell. I remember the night before I left for Africa I was so sick. I didn't think I could do it. But I did. And before my first day last September. Same thing. And tonight might not be as bad as that, and the build up sure wasn't there. I haven't felt the sick-to-my-stomach, chest tightness, do-I-have-everything-ready feeling until today... this afternoon actually. But now I do. And I hate not sleeping so much it makes me want to cry. I know everything will go well. It always does. And if something gets totally messed up, that will be fixed too somehow I'm sure. I just want to sleep tonight.

That's why I took a sleeping pill.

snow on sunday

2007-01-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

I love Sundays. Ok, I have a love hate relationship with them. I hate it that I don't sleep, but I love them in general. I woke up this morning, and it was snowing. Big flakes coming down fast. Silencing the world again. It has been so warm lately that everything is getting brown and slushy, and even though I know it won't last long, its nice to have everything painted over in white, even if its only for a couple of hours until the sun comes out.

I've been listening to a lot of KT Tunstall in the last two days. (Thanks R!) Its happy mellow music. Most mellow music is really sad and depressing, and most happy music is up-beat and insanity inducing. Its nice to have a good mix of mellow and not depressing. Makes me smile a bit.

I should go start my day I guess. But I'd rather sit here and watch the snow fall.

resolutions and realizations

2007-01-01T01:58:00.000-07:00

I just got home from 2007's New Years festivities. It is now officially January First 2007, and as tradition dictates, I have to make a new years resolution. Usually I have things like "will work out regularly" or "will diet and make it stick" or even "will stop chewing my nails." Things that in reality, won't happen. This year I'm trying a new approach. Drop the whole "weight" issue and make family a priority. The whole "exercise and diet" thingy never seems to work anyway, so why even bother? Maybe it will just happen on its own. But family I can deal with.

I have two sets of grandparents and one brother (plus wife and kids) who I rarely call. So, this year, my resolution is to call them all once a week. Regardless of whether they call me back or care that I'm calling them. I'm going to call them all. That is 156 phone calls this year. (52weeks x 3 phone calls, if you're wondering). That I can do. I like talking on the phone, and I like my family. I won't care that one set of grandparents complains about their health all the time and the other set never asks me about my life, only my brothers' and specifically his kids. I'll call them no matter what. I'll call them until they do care about my life, because they have no choice but to.

Now my realization: I looked up resolution (in the Microsoft Word Thesaurus) and made a discovery. Its not a "goal" or "possibility" like I thought it was. Resolution really is a synonym for declaration, pledge, promise, oath, vow, decree, and solution. Its not something you think you might do, or you hope to do, or that you want to do. It is a decision that you make that you will do. So things that you don't think are a possibility in reality (like my grand "working out" ideas) are sucky resolutions. A goal is a target or an aspiration that you have, but a resolution is a decision previously made. Its a change that has already occurred, and just needs to be followed. For some reason at 2 am this is really profound to me.

New Years was fun this year. Not because I went to a fancy party (like I had planned to) but because I just spent it with people who I love. I hung out with my sister, and we told each other stuff we don't tell people, and gossipped like mad, and ate appetizers and desert, and drank coffee, and had fun. Then we went to Gaither Hour from 9-10 at my church's new years thingy, and laughed our way through it (don't tell the pastor) and then went to a friends house and hung out and talked and laughed and almost forgot that it was even midnight! It probably the lowest key new years that you could invent, but it was fun, and I don't regret anything, and I'm going to go to bed now, wake up tomorrow and have a good day with my family. Just being with them is good.

Unhurt and Home

2006-12-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

So, I'm back from our family ski trip and I'm happy to announce that there were no injuries, physical or emotional. We all generally got along great, and we didn't even fall too much! The first day, which ended up being only an afternoon, went good but everyone was super tired and it was tough to get active. The second day, after a great sleep, was so much better. Plus the weather was amazing, and to watch the sunrise and sunset from the top of a mountain is an awe-inspiring experience.

I just finished reading a book about a girl who blogs about a guy that she works with, and then she falls in love with him. Its very cute, and he figures out that the blog he finds is actually hers, and it all works out in the end, but it got me thinking about this blog. I talk about all sorts of useless things, and none of it is declaring my love for anyone else. I would like someone in particular to blog about. Someone who takes my breath away and who I think about and dream about. Someone real, not in a book (although this guy was exceptionally attractive sounding).

The thing about complaining about marriage (or the lack-thereof) is that it is sort of pointless if there is no one in the picture that you can see yourself marrying in the next little while. There are always ideas and thoughts, but unless action follows its a bit futile.

I was also reminded today that even if I end up alone my whole life, I can still lead a useful, fulfilling life, and that in the end, even if my life is seemingly terrible, it is all worth it if I've been faithful. Hold steady, know that God is in control, and cling to him when your life is definitely not. Words that sound good, but it will take longer than a couple of hours to really believe them. The head connection is there, but the heart connection is a bit fuzzy sometimes.

I'm going back to work in a few days. I was supposed to have a full two weeks off, but I got a new job on the last day of my old one, and so I'm going back to work next Wednesday to prep for new classes, new students, new school, and a new adventure. Should be interesting. I barely know what classes that I will be teaching. haha. I'm sure it will all work out though. It always does.

Oh, I did fall asleep the other night, when I was complaining about it. It just took a couple of hours and a blanket wrapped around me under the covers. I have this thing about being warm and tightly wrapped. It is so secure or something.

Christmas Week

2006-12-27T18:49:00.000-07:00

I'm at my parents farm this week. My mother does Christmas like no one I know. When I come home its not a normal homecoming - hi honey welcome home here is a cup of coffee. Instead it is hi honey welcome home, would you like a cup of hot chocolate (if so what flavor), a cup of coffee (with which specialty creamer?) or a cup of hot apple cider? Do you like the decorations (I can't really find my house under all of them) and how do you like the atmosphere? Is it Christmas-y enough? (And I'm expecting Santa to fall down one of the chimney's into one of the two wood burning fires that are smoking at any given moment.

OK, that's enough. I was going to go into an explanation of what Christmas at my house is like, the overwhelmingness of it all. But instead I'm going to talk about something different. The ski trip tomorrow, and how, even though I know it will be fun, it is currently ruining my life.

It is currently 10:23 pm. Not exactly a late night. But I'm getting up at 3:00 am. Which is exactly an early morning. Half the world doesn't even go to bed until then (the cool half, of which I am not a part.) For those of you who did not just do the math, that's in 4 1/2 hours. Ideally I can sleep in the truck on the way down. The problem is that I don't sleep well in vehicles, especially since I know I'm going to be doing something all day that I have done maybe 6 times before in my entire life. Skiing.

I'm not cool enough to stay up till 3 am normally, nor am I cool enough to snowboard. I ski because I sort of can. I figure why start something new when I'm actually not that good at the something old. If I applied this to relationships I'd still be going out with my first boyfriend. But in this case the relationship analogy doesn't work, because the first boyfriend is married, and my mediocrity at skiing will never leave me.

I hate it that I can't sleep before big days. Here are some not-so-philosophical questions I'd like answered:

1. How can I be more awake 1/2 an hour after I shut off my light that I was 5 minutes before it?
2. Why does my heart beat fast when I'm lying doing nothing, but when I was packing 12 minutes before there was no irregularity whatsoever?
3. How is it possible that everything that I need to do in the next month floods into my brain the moment all I need to do is sleep?
4. Why do I not take a sleeping pill the only nights that I really need to?
5. Is it okay to fake the flu just because I'm nervous about falling? The thought of staying home alone for two days while my family is out getting cold, wet and bruised is really not all that bad right now - but oh, the guilt)
6. How can I be so nervous about something that I know will go fine, just like it did last year?
7. Why do I care about all the administration stuff? The "parent" stuff? I'm a kid tomorrow, why can't I just let them take care of it, and attend the event in a que-sera-sera fashion?
8. What is the problem with sleeping? I want to, why doesn't my brain?

OK, I'm going to go take a second stab at it. And then I'm just going to lie there silently if it doesn't work. I'll update this if I live through our 2nd annual ski trip.

My fall

2006-12-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

What a strange fall it has been. I should not write these things at night anymore. Or maybe at all, except that a few people out there still read them. I just read through the few posts I've written since September, and realized how much life has changed. (I also realized that if you knew me only by my blog you'd think that I should probably be on some sort of up-lifting medication). At the beginning of September I had a boyfriend, I felt like teaching was this insane challenge that there was no way I could do alone (boyfriend was a teacher and tons of help), and I was totally nervous to the point that I actually lost like 5 or 10 pounds in my first two weeks (that has since returned.)

Today I have no boyfriend and I am managing to teach everyday, sometimes by the seat of my pants, but they're learning something anyways... I have confidence that even though I'm not the greatest teacher now, I have potential and I think someday I can be a great teacher. I'm not super close with many teachers at work, but I've recieved enough positive feedback that I think I'll be ok. It seems like September was yesterday in some ways, but in others I feel so much OLDER.

I went to Edmonton over the weekend, and had a complete blast. I didn't take work (which means that I spent one whole day NOT working!) and I hung out with the girls, made waffles, decorated Christmas cookies, shopped, dressed up, and went to a party at a mansion. (see sweet pictures below.)

It was SO fun. I felt young, and that is weird almost. My life is so serious here, it seems. I have fun and everything, but for some reason it seems like I am two people. Not to any extreme, but still there is this divide between "teacher Hannah" and "friend Hannah." I'm not totally sure how to balance that or if I should be one or the other or what. But for now it works because my two lives are in two separate locations.

It seems a bit strange that I haven't talked about boys in a long time. With the exception of my ex, I haven't really had a subject in mind, and I suppose that dwelling on my ex is not something that is exceptionally fun, so I just don't. This weekend was fun because of the "guy" thing. Good times, ego boost, and awesome stuff to talk about on my blog. Not depressing at all.

Guys are aggravating. I've gone to church my whole life, and do you know the number of "church-guys" who have shown interest in me at all? zero. nil. none. zip. I'm not that horrible looking (see sweet pictures) and I have a relatively good personality, but still, nada. I went to my old church last week, which I miss terribly, and the one time a brother of a friend shows up (not a "church" guy) HE thinks I'm really cute. So, what was stopping the thousand other guys? Why am I not attractive to them? Its all very confusing and freaking frusterating. Like I said. Guys are aggravating. I also might have a not-so-blind date coming up with a friend of the girls. Overall, the weekend was definitely not a complete bust. :)

Ok, so for your viewing pleasure, one last hot shot of Carolyn and I. I realize I'm totally egotistical tonight, but how often does that happen? I'm totally allowed once a year.

Just to Qualify

2006-12-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

I um, don't feel as crappy right now as I did last night. I just want to make that clear. Life is still overwhelming, but this morning I'm not crying about it... I'm just accepting it and I will just keep moving because that is what I do.

But ya, I just want everyone to know that I'm not as sad all the time as I was yesterday evening.

Losing it

2006-11-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm losing it sometimes. Like right now for instance. I feel completely overwhelmed. And not just a little bit, like "oh I'm so busy ha ha" overwhelmed, but like "truck running over me, and not one of the little ones" overwhelmed. I need more time. I need a break SO bad that I am crying for no reason. Just completely breaking down. All alone. I don't think I'm unhappy, but I just don't know how to get it all done. I know it will get done, but the process to getting there just seems so... hard I guess. Impossible. Everest. Tiring. I am SO tired. I'm dreading Christmas and I know I shouldn't dread Christmas. I just have so much to do before then, and during then, and every task seems insurmountable. I feel like I'm carrying so much, and I just want help. I want someone to tell me that I don't have to do it all. I don't have to do Christmas, and skiing and New Years, and all the work and soreness and everything. I just want to do nothing. Just nothing. Absolutely nothing. For like a month. I don't even know if that would be long enough. A month seems short all of a sudden. Maybe two or three. Or a year. I have been working for so long, and every break is filled with homework or marking, or some other major event... long weekends are too short. I just need to breathe. Breathing would be good. I need to be away, to have space, to not feel like if I could die from this then I would be dead. I need hope. I need to feel like I'm not failing, like I'm worth something, like I'm not gross looking and overweight. I just need air. Air would be good. Instead I'm going to go get sleep, and tomorrow I will work. And the next day I will work, and the next day I will work. And everything will just be. Just like it always is. And nothing will change. And I will be tired. And consumed.

Sunday Night Syndrome

2006-11-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

It turns out that the weirdness I experience on Sunday nights is not some strange weekly depression, but an actual named problem faced by a lot of people who have busy jobs with a lot to remember... Sunday Night Syndrome. Apparently many people feel like their weekends are pretty much over by Saturday, and Sunday has become a "pre-work" to work day. This describes me to a tee. I get home on Friday, veg Friday night, clean or relax on Saturday, leaving my planning work for Sunday. Teaching is one of those jobs that requires "out-of-work" work, because of the marking and planning. I have been dreading Sundays, because by about 5 or 6 I feel very anxious about the next day and week, I have a million things going around in my brain, and I can't shut it off to sleep, even though I know that I need sleep. This isn't as abnormal as I thought though, thankfully. I just hope it doesn't stick around.

I had such a fun time with my sister this weekend! She came down and we went to the city for the day yesterday and got ALL of our Christmas shopping done (except for each others presents, of course!) It was great just to be able to relax with each other with nothing major planned just fun sisterly stuff. I'm going to miss her so much if she actually goes to Australia for 6 months! We've finally gotten really close...

Ok, I'm going to go try to wind down for a bit... Go sleep go!

good night and good luck

2006-10-22T21:51:00.000-06:00

It has been one week since my last post. This one, my mother told me, must be “happier” than the last, so happy I will be.

I have great hope that tonight I will sleep much better than last Sunday night. I don’t know what it is about Sunday nights, but I’m going to bed with a positive attitude. I am not going to worry about lacking sleep tonight, or feeling sick or anything. I will sleep great… unless I don’t. What if this is a forever thing with me, not sleeping well on Sunday nights. I love Sundays! I don’t want to have to worry about them! Ok, no freak outs. Must just relax and not worry… be happy, right?

Ok, great things: I did the minimum amount of work this weekend required to successfully cope tomorrow at school. I went to a taco party, cleaned, had a couple of friends visit from Edmonton, and watched WAY too many episodes of the Gilmore girls on DVD. I love that show on DVD. Not so much on TV. In any case, it was a stellar weekend, and I’m relatively well-rested, and I’m ready for tomorrow. Not much else, but tomorrow I got!

Life is going well. Lots of decisions to make, with work and living and stuff. One minute I’m sure I want to go home and sub, the next stay here and sub, and hope for a more permanent job. Do I want to live here though, like on a permanent basis? I don’t know – I don’t think so! I think I want to get married and have babies and live, well, wherever, as long as I’m married, and I can teach, and I have kids. This whole maternal thing has kicked in lately – I feel like a bit of a geek.

In any case, the point is, that I think I’ll be happy wherever as long as I’m with someone that I love, and who is my family. I’d really like to find that person, soon if possible. I’d like to get married, and start that life. That would make me smile.

That’s enough for now. I’m going to go to sleep. I will! You’ll see!

Sleep and the Lack Thereof

2006-10-16T00:07:00.000-06:00

I am one of those people who likes to get their eight hours. I mean really really likes it. I'm a little bit mad at the clock when I look at it and I know that there is no way that I can get it tonight, I can only possibly get like 7 hours 53 minutes, and that is if I go to bed right now.

So the fact that my computer clock says its 12:02 makes me so frusterated right now. Why am I taking time out to write in this blog then? Because its not like I haven't tried tonight. I went to bed over an hour and a half ago. I shut my light off about an hour and 20 minutes ago. I know thats not a lot of time, but it very rarely takes me this long to fall asleep.

For some reason, nothing will shut off tonight. My brain, stomach, bladder, neck ... all are complaining. If I lay one way I feel a bit sick. If I lay another, I feel like I have to pee (I've been up twice already because of that), another way and my neck is being pulled one way or another. And regardless of the position or area of my bed I am sleeping on, my mind won't quit. I've got some worship song from church this morning going around (something about "you are the rock, living in us, you are the God, in whom we trust, ..." something catchy and mind numbing, not slow and melodic), and when thats not there, I'm thinking of the "Les poisson" song from the little mermaid, or the "Gaston" song from Beauty and the beast, or the "Just can't wait to be king" song from the lion king. I have had a thing recently for disney soundtracks. Now they're driving me insane.

Regardless of the song that is rolling around, I've got teaching stuff on my brain. I know I have a busy week ahead of me, but I haven't had a day without work in a LONG time. Even when i was home last weekend, I did some work everyday so that i would be ready for Tuesday, when I had to go back. This weekend I did my "professional growth plan" on friday night, cleaned and marked on Saturday, and finished marking and planned for this week (or at least the begninning of it) today. I just want a day off. Where I don't have to think about what I have to do.

And on top of everything I get to worry about parents that I need to call, students I need to convince to hand in their homework, and the fact that come December 31, I HAVE NO JOB anymore, and I might have to sub insane classes who are hell for subs. I don't want to sub - I have NO desire at all to babysit someone elses class. I like the fact that I can build relationships with my kids, even though they do drive me nuts. The ONLY thing that would be good about subbing is the fact that I wouldn't have planning and marking to do every night and weekend.

Oh, and usually money and my lack of it seeps into my brain as well, because not only do I owe for normal stuff like furniture and credit cards, but I get to start paying off my student loans, and I haven't paid my parents back the money I owe them. And I feel terrible about that, more than anything I think.

Now my ears are ringing. This is new and different.

Ok, I'm ranting, its late. I did take a bunch of headache medication (again without a headache - bad Hannah) because it normally makes me drowsy, and I figured maybe it would shut off my incessant thinking and singing.

I'm going to go attempt sleeping again. Knowing that I can only get 5 hours and 45 minutes from now. I think I might have dozed a bit before. Thank goodness for Tim Hortons. Maybe I won't be completely useless tomorrow. I think I might be a little OCD.

Better than yesterday

2006-10-09T22:09:00.000-06:00

I got home about 3 hours ago from my Birthday/Thanksgiving weekend at home, which was actually really fun and relaxing. Short list of my weekend: my sister and I marked my students’ stuff, I saw people from church, I was encouraged once again to try pursuing something with someone’s son as I was no longer with anyone, I woke up to coffee in bed, I listened to Christmas music, I saw my new nephew, and life was good. (I also ate WAY too much, but it was joyful…

I could go a day or two without thinking about sadness and loneliness, and life is looking up. I have been reminded lately about how many people really do care about me, even though they aren’t right near me. I was also reminded recently that even though things might not work out the way you expect, sometimes something really great happens anyways, in spite of everything. And that is exciting. I think sometimes God works around our mistakes, which is a big relief.

I’ve been planning my week, figuring out what I need to photocopy tomorrow morning, and now I’m going to go to bed. Not having to drive 5 hours back to the city from GP is nice, but a drive is a drive, and I’m tired. And still full of turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!

And here is a picture of Isaiah, my new nephew…

If I drank I would be drunk.

2006-10-01T21:29:00.000-06:00

Today I just want to go home. Back to my mom. And I want it to be Christmas. And I want my brother and sister to be at home, and I want it to be night time, and I want there to be a fire in the fireplace and I want to be drinking hot chocolate and I want it to be like it should be. I want to be happy. But I’m not. I just watched a Christmas episode of Grey’s Anatomy from last season, and that’s what makes me want Christmas, but I have been feeling so lonely lately, and that isn’t from TV. I have made myself stay up till 9 so that I’m not that pathetic, but I literally have nothing to do sometimes, or what I have to do is not urgent, or just as depressing as not doing anything. I know that I’m a first year teacher, and that I should be run off my feet, and I am busy, and I have a lot to do all the time, but there seems to be that hour or two every couple of nights where I should be going out and having fun or something, and I don’t have anything to do. This lack of anything to do is coupled with a breakup that feels sometimes like I’m going to be fine, and sometimes like my heart is made of lead and pushing out of my chest. So what I want right now is to run away. I wish I wasn’t a grown up and I wish I didn’t have to worry about work and money, and I wish I could just go home and curl up on the couch and cry and cry. And then I wish that I could just be happy. But I don’t think I’m going to be until I’m not waiting for that “person” that is finally going to make sense with me, and I know that I’m not supposed to have emptiness and that God is supposed to be filling me up so that there is nothing lacking, but I feel so empty and I think that we just need touch sometimes, just physical contact. And with no one around and the one person who was around every once in a while out of the picture, there is no chance of that happening. So I’m just alone. And my birthday week starts this week, and I’m going to be 24, and its such a non-event, and I love my birthday, but it makes me sad because its not special this year. It was supposed to be the first year ever that I was going to have a boyfriend at the same time as my birthday but its not now. Now its just another birthday. I’m just older, and more pathetic, and obviously a bit depressed. And I’ll get presents, and I’ll be smiling and laughing, but what happens when I come back? Nothing will change. It will just be me, fine in the day, and alone at night. Fighting the moths that keep getting into my apartment mysteriously. Its 9:22, I can go to bed now.

a random assortment

2006-08-28T13:44:00.000-06:00

The funny thing about moving is that nothing ever really changes. You can change your location, your job, the view from your window, but in reality, you still have the same personality, same idiosyncrasies, and the same addictions that plagued you prior to the move… Its easy to think that a change in scenery will help you change your habits, but in reality, they come with you – maybe not for a day or two, but they are always in tow. I still hate to clean, I still don’t like cooking, I still eat way to much junk. I still watch too much TV, get stressed about the future, and I still have a hard time maintaining anything that even resembles a schedule.

It turns out that despite my best intentions, changing things that are ingrained already is going to take a lot more work than I thought.

So, I’m doing the “long distance relationship” thing. (If “long distance” is defined by needing to call long distance to talk to the significant other…) Its only about an hour and a half to see him, but after spending the summer seeing each other almost daily, I think I’m going through withdrawal. Not so much fun. Adding to the problem is that we’re both teachers. This means that yes, we do get the same holidays, but that we also have to work after school, on weekends, and most holidays to keep up with the work load and planning. It basically all comes down to three words: I miss him. That is all.

Today I’ve actually been relatively productive… I’ve finished my year plans for Social, which is a big project in itself, because it’s a new curriculum, and so there is nothing to work from but the curriculum itself, and the textbook written for the class. This afternoon I have Science to work on, and a computers class that I’m teaching. Hopefully lots will get done. I have yet to get out of my pajama’s, and lets be honest, I may stay in them all day.

Ok, back to work. Then a nap. mmmm. I love nap.

quick rant:

2006-07-28T13:12:00.000-06:00

What is with people that pull up inches behind you in the drive-through? I mean. I understand the concept of the drive-through – stay in your cars, get as many through as possible, convenience and speed, etc, etc. But is it really necessary for you (usually in a truck that screams “I AM COMPENSATING!” – welcome to Sherwood Park) to practically massage the bumper of the person in front of you? I hear you all now: “but I know my car, I’m not too close, I know exactly where I am!” Well, that’s great for you. But maybe I don’t really know mine. Maybe I don’t know how far you are away from me, and it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I like my bumper the way it is. Maybe I drive a stick and I’m going to roll back several inches when I put it into gear. Maybe I don’t give a crap how well you know your cars bumpers, but I don’t know YOU that well, and want you out of my frigging personal space. Just back off. Giving me a foot or two of comfort zone is NOT going to back up the line at Tim Horton’s any further than it already is backed up, and believe me, you will not get to the window one second faster by looming in my rearview mirror.

Have a special day.

drug-induced sleep

2006-07-24T20:28:00.000-06:00

I just woke up from a 2 hour nap. I get bad headaches, and I have medication that I can take for them. This medication doesn’t always put me to sleep, but if I take enough of it, I know it will put me to sleep in short order. This knowledge, combined with the fact that I haven’t been sleeping great in my 35 degree Celsius apartment resulted in a wonderful drug-induced nap that I haven’t yet fully awakened from. Its weird because I know that I took an extra pill just so that I could completely sleep – really really hard. I don’t know if this is a bad thing, but I figure as long as I’m not taking medication regularly to sleep its not a bit deal. I’ve just been so tired and lethargic, and when its so hot everywhere, and there is no relief, its nice to be able to sleep through it, even if it is only just for a couple of hours. Plus, my headache seems to have lessened, at least for a while.

Now the part where I talk about guys (or in my case, the guy). I called my Uncle and Aunt's in the States. My parents and sister left on Saturday to go visit them, so I called today to make sure that they were happy and healthy and all that. I started talking to my Uncle, who is a pastor down there, and immediately the guy came up. This is not such a surprise, as my Uncle is a pastor, and he loves to make people think (and he loves to make people uncomfortable). But he asked me important stuff about where this guy was spiritually, and how does he lead me, and I had to say, right off the bat, that he doesn’t lead me. He hasn’t been a strong believer as long as I have, and he isn’t at the same place as me. He also asked me what this guy does that makes me know that he is a Christian, and because I had just woken up and because it was just so immediate and flooring, I just said that I didn’t know. I want this guy to be that for me – a spiritual leader, and a strong Christian, and I don’t think that its something that is out of reach, but I’ve always said that I wouldn’t “missionary date” either, where I date someone and hope they become what I want them to be. My Uncle just said, well I know what to pray about then, and that was that. He’s awesome and I love my family so much, and I couldn’t marry someone that they weren’t 100% behind either.

Its making me think though, besides church attendance, what do I do that would make people know that I’m a Christian? I’m nice, I try not to gossip, etc etc, but a lot of people who don’t have faith do that because they have good morals. I haven’t been very consistent with my Bible reading lately, and besides the guy, I haven’t shared my beliefs with anyone in a long time. I’m feeling very hypocritical. I can call myself a Christian, and I have faith, but if its not acted out, then how do other people know its there? To most people I’m probably just a sweet girl, who can be opinionated, and who goes to church on Sunday. Basically, I’m describing a large percentage of the female population, and to me being a real Christian is so much more than that. Why do I have such a hard time living up to the standards that I set for everyone else in my life, and do I have the right to set the bar higher for everyone else, when I’m not making the bar myself?

But I miss him

2006-07-23T16:45:00.000-06:00

I have turned into one of those girls I hate. I can do the whole “social outing” thing, and pull off that I am having fun, and for moments, I can have genuine fun. But for the next 3 weeks, I’m really sort of faking it. My boyfriendish-sort-of-thing is on a vacation, which he is completely entitled to, and actually has cut short because of me, I think. This leaves me alone, and really not wanting to do anything or go anywhere at all. Its like I’ve turned into one of those whiney “I miss him so much” types. And I have! I don’t think that I whine all that much, but in reality I could; I’m just able to control myself somewhat. In my mind though, I miss him like crazy. Of course I want him to relax, have fun, etc, etc, but I also want him to come home and be with me. Its very selfish of me, I know. But I think when you care about someone and they leave, there is a hole left, that only they can fill. And when they’re not there to fill it, it just sucks, and you have no motivation at all. Another cookie please.

An assortment of updates

2006-07-10T14:52:00.000-06:00

I currently do approximately 1 to 1 ½ hours of work per day. I get paid for 7 and ¼ hours of work. Now, to most people this would sound joyful! I can do anything I want for the 6 left-over hours! Read, talk on the phone, plan my parents anniversary, put album covers with all the songs on my iPod… short of leaving my office I can pretty much spend the day doing, well, whatever I want. Unfortunately, this is not what I want to be doing. I was raised to work at work, and do other stuff on my own time. I dread going to work because there is literally NOTHING for me to do here. I open some mail, do a bit of filing, stamp the date on things… and I know this is just “summer at my job.” During the fall, winter and spring there is tons to do, and never enough time to do it, but during the summer, oh wow… the workload slows from a waterfall to a trickle. A very weak sad little trickle. I think my job is slowly sucking the life out of me.

On the up-side, I have read the first 4 Harry Potter books in the last few weeks, and I’m on the 5th. Totally addicting, and honestly just good fun.

I’m bringing a boy home to meet my parents this weekend. I’m also planning a party for their 25th anniversary, so it will be an insanely busy weekend, but he’s important to me, and this is the only weekend before I move that this will actually work. Plus, he drives a 4-runner, so he will be a big help in picking stuff up for the party…

I’m moving in like 4 ½ weeks. Moving cities… different address, phone number, everyone I know will be a long distance call away… such an odd thought. Moving brings with it a lot of expenses. Like, for instance, furniture. I bought a bed, couch, loveseat, and TV the other day. I have never spent so much money in one day before. Quite the nerve-racking ordeal, I could hardly sleep that night. (Good thing my job isn’t exactly overly-demanding).

The whole relationship thing is interesting. I’ve never been very good at “labeling” in a relationship. I am in the 1% of girls that can survive without definition of what “we” are. I’ve never called this person my boyfriend, but my friends refer to him as that all the time, because it reduces confusion when talking about him. He is this guy, who I want to spend all of my time with, who knows me better than 99% of the people in my life do, who can’t get enough of me (tee hee) and who I don’t want to move away from. Ever. But we haven’t ever said that we’re officially “dating” because we started as friends. There wasn’t a defining day that changed things for us, just a slow evolution of the relationship, to the point that he is meeting my parents… Somehow I’m ok with the lack of “official definition” though. I’m secure in whatever it is that we are, and I know that we’re both exclusive to one another, so it’s ok just the way it is.

Well this was a sort of a mish-mash of thoughts today. I’m going to make an attempt to keep this thing updated over the next couple of months. Lots of changes and more life-sucking job stories are sure to come!

L is for the way…

2006-06-28T16:06:00.000-06:00

I’ve always wanted to fall in love.
Like head over heels, do anything for you, till death do us part love.

I always thought that it would be an instantaneous, lightning bolt moment when it happened, but I don’t think that that is how it is supposed to work anymore. I think that lust for sure happens that way; you can see a person and be instantly attracted to them. But love, real forever love, is something that you realize more slowly. You realize how important that person is to you, and how much you want to be with them. The thought of losing that person makes you feel sick, and heartbroken all at the same time. You want that person to know every mundane detail of your life, every time someone hurts your feelings, every time you give yourself a paper cut, every time something makes you happy. And you want them to care that it happened, and when you’re in real love, I think that they do care.

I don’t think that all of these feelings happen all at once, or to the same degree. I think that it is an eventuality, that you can be unsure about it, especially if you’ve never been in love before. All the feelings are new, and you start to wonder if this is what love feels like, or if this is just really really caring about someone, but still short of love.

I think that the first time you tell someone that you love them, it’s a huge step. Because what if you’re not actually? Those three words have become so important, in that particular situation, that they can change lives forever. They have been at the climax of more movies than I can imagine, and when I say them to someone finally, I want it to be for-sure, no-holds-bar forever love.

The Pace Slows Down

2006-06-13T16:09:00.000-06:00

I guess its time to write again. I can finally breathe a bit, after a pretty nutty oh, 6 months or so. I don’t really feel like writing down everything that’s happened, so I’ll just say this, I’m just working, still single and looking forward to moving to Whitecourt (of all places!) to teach grade 7 in the fall. End of story.

What I have to do now is buy things. I’ve got so much stuff to buy to be able to live (admittedly comfortably). I’m a bit torn. Do I just get it all, and pay for it over the next year and a half or so? Or do I get things slowly and just live uncomfortably for a long time? I don’t know… Credit makes things really easy, but not guilt free. Should I feel guilty for getting stuff on credit?

In any case, I’ve compiled a list of stuff I need. Thankfully, I have a lot of kitchen and bedroom stuff already, but here is the list:

Bedroom: Bed (Queen), Frame (just plain metal), Night stand

Spare Room: Sewing machine table (one of those folding ones from Costco, probably)

Living Room: Couch, Loveseat or Chair, End Tables, TV, TV Stand

Kitchen: Table, Chairs, Microwave Stand (I have minimal counter space – my one complaint)

Bathroom: Shower Curtain

So, that is that. I’m really excited to be moving and to be on my own and to have space. It’s all very selfish, and I understand that. I love my current roommate, and I love my friends that I’m moving away from, I just feel like I’m finally an adult, in some ways. In others I still feel like I should be asking myself what the heck I am doing purchasing a sofa and loveseat. Isn’t that something that married people do?

Since marriage came up… which it seems to relatively frequently… I got an email from a girl who was in my last class at the U today. She is engaged. Now, I suppose that this is something that I should be happy about. I mean, good for her, she found “the one” and all that. Her and every other girl in my class. But what makes them so great that they’ve been able to find that guy? What’s wrong with me? (This seems to be a question that comes up relatively frequently as well.)

I know that there have been a few guys in my life that have liked me, but this hasn’t really made be feel better about myself, because compliments from them usually end up with me either questioning their sanity, or asking what is wrong with all of the guys who I could date, because usually the ones that like me are off-limits for one reason or another.

I feel like my life is sort of on hold right now, until I move. I need to be going into this summer full of expectations and fun-ness, but part of me just wants it to be over so that I can start the next part of my life. I’m just in limbo again, sort of waiting to be able to move, and buy things, and all of that. And everyone is telling me to wait, and I just want to keep moving but I can’t. It’s so frustrating. I know that I need to relax and enjoy life right now, and focus on today and all of that, but my whole life is geared towards my future right now, and so I can’t.

Christian guys and CDL

2006-04-15T17:41:00.000-06:00

I was talking to a couple of friends last night about dating. Christian dating in particular. Through this conversation I began to realize that, as girls, we (and Christian dating literature – I will call it CDL) have been really hard on guys. CDL, in general, goes something like this: Dating around is bad. It’s bad too start “dating” someone that you don’t know very well, so you should become friends with lots of people from the opposite sex and then pick one (and only one) to “court.” (and yes, we have reverted back to the 17th century) CDL puts so much pressure on guys, because according to CDL girls are only looking for the one guy that they will be married to for the rest of their lives.

I don’t think I’ve been completely incorrect in my little rantings about Christian guys, but this recent conversation has put things into perspective. No wonder Christian guys aren’t jumping at the chance to date. Even pretty and fun Christian girls must be looking for their soul mate, according to CDL, and so if a guy can’t be completely sure that she is the girl that he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he isn’t going to ask her out. NO WONDER Christian guys aren’t jumping at the chance to date! I wouldn’t be either.

So, to Christian guys on behalf of my mixed up sex: sorry. Not all of us are looking for our soul mate on the first date, and please don’t write me off because you’re worried that I am.

Have a good one! Gotta go mark now… love the life of a teacher…

The best thing I've read in a long time.

2006-04-08T16:44:00.000-06:00

This little article is enough to finally convince me to read Harry Potter. I have a deep respect for anyone who can put the state of females in Hollywood and throughout the world so succinctly. Genius…

From msn entertainment:

JK Rowling loves Pink, slams "talking toothpick" role models

JK Rowling has confessed that she's a fan of Pink's new song, 'Stupid Girls.' Rowling, who created the wonderful wizarding world of Harry Potter, has dubbed 'Stupid Girls' as "the antidote-anthem for everything I had been thinking about women and thinness."

"'Stupid Girls' satirizes the talking toothpicks held up to girls as role models," said Rowling. "Those celebrities whose greatest achievement is unchipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs."

Hollywood's so-called role-models are of special concern to Rowling who has two daughters, Jessica, 12, and one-year-old Mackenzie. "I don't want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones," Rowling said. "I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny, a thousand things, before 'thin'."

See what I mean? Awesome...

The significance of 4 weeks

2006-04-02T21:11:00.000-06:00

First of all, I’m sorry its been so long since I updated this thing. I’m in the middle of practicum – ’nuff said.

In 4 weeks a lot of things end. My life as a student, a major part of my “definition of me” for the last 19 years, will be done. My bachelor of education will be done. My post secondary education will be done. My practicum will be done. I can honestly say that life as I know it will be over.

Its actually a bit sad, really. The one thing that I’ve been good at, pretty steadily, throughout my entire life, will be the one thing I’m losing. It’s a bit of a security blanket I suppose. I don’t have a boyfriend, I’m not really athletic, I’m not exceptionally beautiful (Oh, Jo – your one true beauty! – name that movie), but I’ve always had my academic ability. I had better be a freaking awesome teacher to make up for it! Teaching has actually worked out pretty well for me so far, so I’ll keep working (and keep my fingers crossed) and see how it all works out.

There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now. I don’t really deal well with unknowns … my inner control freak doesn’t allow for a lot of out-of-my-control things in my life without being bothered. It’s a bit annoying really, I wish someone would just tell me what is in store. There is supposed to be some excitement and hope involved in this “trying to find a job” part of my life, and some people really get off on the future possibilities of their life. I’m generally not one of those people. I like order and planning and lists. I’m one of those people who books trips months in advance, and registers for classes the first day I’m allowed to, to minimize the risk that I won’t get into a class that I want or need to take.

Anyways, God has become more important all of a sudden … trusting him means a lot more when there really is no other choice.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about spiritual stuff … to be vague … I don’t think I’ll talk about it all today. Maybe in another blog later (like 4 weeks from now when I can breathe) and maybe never. We’ll see. Its just on my mind.

Snow and Fast Friends

2006-03-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

I figure now is as good a time as any to update this lonely blog. Life has been nuts lately, and so finding time to type random thoughts has been rare. If something worth writing has happened, then usually its one of those personal journal things, and not something I want publicly broadcasted.

Its been snowing all day long. I woke up at 7ish I think, and I started a fire, even though my apartment is a billion degrees all the time, and there is no need for a fire. It was just one of those days that requires a fire in the fireplace. Ambiance or whatever…

I love the snow. I love watching it, I love walking in it, I love the way it feels, and the way it makes everything white for a moment. This dirty world seems clean for a couple of minutes, until someone drives by. Today, I’m going to focus on the greatness of snow, and forget the fact that tomorrow, when everyone has been driving on it for a bit, and the road has warmed up and re-frozen, it will be really annoying to drive anywhere.

In any case, its snowing, there is a fire in my fireplace (which I’ve recently let go out), Norah Jones is playing on my computer, and my roommate is sleeping on the chair in the corner. Its actually quite a relaxing day, considering the amount of work I’ve actually managed to complete. I think that the key to getting work done on Saturdays (aside from the fact that it was pretty much under threat of death) is to get up close to the same time that you normally get up. That way, your body thinks that its got to be normal all day, and its not automatically in Saturday mode.

I’ve been sitting on my couch marking all day. Literally. I took a little break to eat a sandwich for lunch and talk to mom on the phone, but otherwise I have been using the red pen since about 8 this morning. 8 HOURS of marking. Crazy. But I’m done! I think I’m going to get out of the house for a few minutes and return some movies, and run to the store. I always feel like there’s nothing here to eat. That isn’t really true at all, but I just don’t feel like eating anything we have. And we have no snacks. (Besides vegetables, and those only count as snacks on week-days).

When I get home tonight I’m going to start planning for this week. Its another busy week. There is always a lot to get accomplished, and therefore a lot for me to prepare for. I have to teach people stuff. I teach them things, and a few of them will know these things forever. Because I taught them. Now THAT is a crazy thought.

On a completely different note, I have been thinking about myself lately. (Ha ha… I guess that thinking of myself is pretty common, considering that I’m pretty much the most important person in my life – just like everyone else is the most important person in their own life). What I mean is, I’ve been thinking about my personality, and how I come across to people. There are people in life who I meet and never really “click” with. Not that we’re not nice acquaintances or anything, but there is an unspoken mutual understanding that when our paths diverge we probably won’t spend any time thinking of one another. There are also people that I spend enough time with because of mutual friends, that I eventually become friends with, and I know I will be their friend for a long long time, but not because we instantaneously shared a mutual lightning bolt. Then there are also people in life who I immediately bond with. After a few minutes its as if we’ve known each other forever. People who don’t know that we’ve just met will ask how we know one another. Not only does it seem like we are long lost friends to ourselves, but also to people who see us interact. It’s the strangest thing, and it doesn’t happen with all people, just a few. I’m not sure if this phenomenon is unique to me; I doubt it. But in any case, in the last couple of weeks its happened with 2 people that I can think of specifically, and its quite amazing.

Those are some thoughts from today. I’ll spare you the feelings of being overwhelmed, completely stressed out, and in-over-my-head. My 15 minutes are up, I think I need to leave my apartment for the first time today.

Oh, where to start

2006-02-25T16:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think the hardest thing to do is start. Usually, but not always, once you’ve started, actually doing the thing you’ve started is relatively easy. It’s the beginning that is the problem. As I am thinking about this new little philosophy of mine, I think that it can be applied to almost any area of life.

Relationships: Pretty self-explanatory. Coming from someone who’s had 1 – that’s right -1 (come on, are you really that surprised?) real relationship, I know that that first step out of the whole “comfort zone of friends” is the most complicated, and the scariest. (hold on, I need to go get a cup of tea)… Alright. (oh, crap. Just realized I put a tea bag in the mug, went to have a sip, and there was no water added.) Ahhhh. (much better). OK, back to the topic at hand. Starting a relationship. Virtually impossible. In fact, I’m pretty surprised that anyone is married. My problem is not that I’m “not easy to talk to” or that I’m “just not hot enough.” Its that I’m “friend” material. I’m every guy’s easy-to-talk-to pal type. I’m not the “girlfriend” type. I don’t know why, but this has been the way of it my whole life. I don’t ever get past the “friend” stage with guys. Ok, next topic.

Jobs: Interviews are the worst part of a job often, especially if you are unemployed and you’ll do the job regardless of what it is. If, by some chance, you do get hired, the first day is usually nerve-wracking hell.

Being alive: Ask your mom. She’ll tell you how much fun the first moments of your life were.

The start of being single again: When you get to start over as a “singleton” it is not necessarily the end of the relationship that is bad (don’t get me wrong, in some cases, that heartache is virtually unbearable – but I don't know about this as much) but often it is the telling people you’re single, having them say “I’m so sorry” or “oh, that jerk, I knew he was no good” or (and this is my personal favorite) “I told you so” that is worse than the actual break up. The whole “face the music” part.

The start of the day: Again, pretty self explanatory.

Car-related: 1. The first day behind the wheel is definitely the hardest part of the whole driving experience. 2. Starting the car itself, especially if it’s freezing cold outside, is often the hardest part of the whole “car-running” experience.

And today’s example – and the reason for this blog?

Starting homework on Saturday. I have SO much planning to do for Monday (and well, the next 8 weeks, lets be honest.) Starting that process has been impossible today. I got up, started laundry (not so hard, doesn’t fit the analogy – I love doing laundry), went to Walmart with Erica, ate pizza, watched Elizabethtown (not nearly as bad as everyone says, and possibly the best soundtrack of the year, if the music on the movie is actually on the soundtrack), and now I’m here, still procrastinating. Its like climing a mountain, only I know that even if I do reach the top, going down the other side is going to be really hard too. Possibly cliff-like.

A little change

2006-02-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a fun day (but Sundays in my life generally are, so this was no big surprise). It was a day of general relaxing after church, and a nice little rest after a fun busy weekend with a friend from home. I also hung out a bit with some people that I don’t normally hang out with. I don’t not like this group, I just generally accept that they’re a bit cooler than me, and we sort of hang out in different circles that just occasionally cross paths (and now I have a whole mathematical explanation of why people cross paths in certain ways thanks to Rob). In any case… different groups are always a bit of an adventure. You never really know what to expect. In fact, I think this was the first time I’ve actually hung out with this particular group without the comfort of my own group to fall back on.

I should probably clarify a few things right about now, because I’m realizing that I’m explaining this group as if they are quite intimidating.. In reality, I know that each person in this group happens to be very nice, and I knew before I agreed to hang out with this group that I wasn’t going to be ostracized and teased or anything. Its just a little change from the ordinary for me. I have a group of really amazing loyal friends who I do almost everything with. Hanging out with a new group means that I’m not necessarily totally in my own comfort zone, which raises certain questions about myself, and my ability to adapt to new group dynamics.

Ok, well the end of the story is that I had a great time, and I’m very thankful for all of my friends, my tight little group, and everyone else that might cross my path along the way…

Now, on my final day off before 9 weeks of practicum, its time for me to catch up on some reading and go over the curriculum I’ll be teaching.

We think too much

2006-02-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

People in general, I mean. Some think more than others, but we're all sort of thinking and analyzing all the time, even if we aren't consciously aware of it.
Here are some examples:

Girls who nobody thinks ever think: “Oh my gosh, like, did he just look at me? Was he looking at me because of my totally cute new haircut, or do I have something in my teeth? Is my make-up absolutely perfect, because if it isn’t, like, its totally the end of the world, and no boys will ever like me… oh, my gosh, is that store having a shoe sale?”

Girls who know they think to much: “That guy would never have looked at me. Or, maybe he was, but it was because this new haircut is so bad. Do I have something in my teeth? Oh, I’m such an idiot. As if he would be looking at me for any other reason. Great. that store is having a sale. Oh well. I can’t afford new shoes anyways. And like it would matter, I don’t need new shoes.”

I’m not going to try and do the inner monologue thing for guys. Guys say girls are complicated, and admittedly we are. But ya’ll are no picnic either. Sometimes I think it would be simpler to just wear signs that would change depending on who we’re talking to. More examples:

To the really intimidating girl in your class who knows everything: “You intimidate me. Please stop talking before I throw up on you because I’m nervous and don’t want to say something that you will immediately correct.”

To the guy who you are sort of interested in but don’t know well at all: “You’re nice. In fact, I like it that we talk sometimes, but honestly I’m afraid of starting something because I’m awkward and pretty much terrified of ruining something right off the bat.”

To the girl who is later dating that guy: “I hate you.”

To the guy when the girl dumps him: “I can’t ask you for coffee, because I’m sure it would come out as “coffee?” and some other mumbling and you would think that I was offering you some, and then I would have to go pour you some.”

To the girl who seems to know the right thing to say in every situation, but is never “interested” in any of the 350 guys who want to marry her: “What is wrong with you? Ok, well whatever, could you please send one of your cast-offs my way?”

Ha ha. Ok, that’s enough. It’s actually pretty fun pretending that you can actually say what you think to everyone you know, but you know you never really can. If everyone said what they thought of everyone else at any given moment hell would break loose. Ok, actually here is what might happen:

To the girl who doesn’t think anyone ever looks at her from the guy across the class: “You sort of intimidate me, but I think you’re really pretty. Do you think maybe…”

To the girl who thinks everyone is always looking at her from me: “Get over yourself. Now, what exercise regime do you use…”

To the guy who all the girls want from me: “Get over yourself. … coffee?...”

Alright, enough role playing for now.

What this ended up being was more an “I wish people would just be more honest and less confusing” sort of thing.

Tomorrow...

2006-02-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Valentines Day.

I had a date (ok, a blind date) on Valentines Day once. I was 18 or 19, and he was a couple years older and a fireman. He showed up at the restaurant with a flower, and then we saw Collateral Damage (Arnold Schwarzenegger). It wasn’t the worst date I’ve ever been on, but nothing ever came of it. I think he moved to Vancouver a couple of weeks later. (Not because of me I hope.) That date was the only semi-romantic thing I’ve ever done on Valentines day.

You know something? I didn’t even hope that I would have someone to spend Valentines with this year. I’ve been busy with school and stuff, and it sort of crept up on me. It’s the first year that I actually didn’t think about it. (until now, that is) That sort of makes me sad. Because if I hope, then I at least have enough faith that something good like that might happen for me. I just realized, though, that I didn’t even hope for that. Have I completely given up on myself? Have I actually reached the point where I am so hopeless that I didn’t even think about a date until the day before?

I suppose now is the time where I slip into self-pity and start whining. So, here it goes… What IS wrong with me? I just don’t really get it.

Ok, that’s all I can come up with. I’m sad again.

I just talked to mom. She said that I shouldn’t be sad, and that I had a good life, and that I was focusing on my career. I don’t want to be a “career woman” on Valentines Day. I at least deserve a “fall back” don’t I? Like a really good guy friend (see previous post for my beliefs on platonic relationships… possible or not?) who will take me out for a movie or something. I want a day when I don’t have to use the “busy-with-school” excuse.

I want to be important to someone. (and sorry, Rosie, you don’t qualify. This time it needs to be someone of the opposite sex…)

Oh, I don't know.

2006-02-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

I’m listening to “What Sarah Said” by Death Cab for Cutie. Its one of those amazing songs that makes you happy and sad at the same time. Mellow, but beautiful. It makes you brave somehow. I don’t know how to explain it.

I feel like I’ve been floating lately. I don’t know. I’m just in one of those moods I think. Where you don’t know what you really feel. Numb. So much to do, time crunch, as usual, and a complete lack of motivation. Just postponing the inevitable.

Relationships are tricky things. They start of like a dance. You sort of toy with each other, neither one of you wanting to admit to the other that you like the other, because there is a threat that the other does not feel the same way about you that you do about them. So, you make careful steps until one of a few things happens. You end up permanently platonic, one person finally breaks and admits what they want, and then either the other feels the same way, doesn’t know what the heck they think, or does not feel the same way at all. I’m tired of having crushes on people. I’m tired of waiting around. I’m tired of the dance. Its like a competition between insecurities, with the person who is the least insecure finally breaking down and stepping out on a limb. Ideally for me, this would be the guy, considering that my insecurities sometimes seem impossible to overcome. ha ha

I’ve realized something about my parents lately. I’m my mothers daughter. I’ve always thought that I was just like my dad, and I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, and I always will be. But recently I’ve realized how hilarious my mom is. She’s totally insane (in a good way) and any insanity and crazy-funn-ness in me is from her. Not that Dad is boring by any means. This is hard to explain. You’d need to know my mom to know what I mean. I’m still opinionated and hard-headed, like dad, but there is so much in me from my mom.

I used to think that I couldn’t be more different from mom. She was the perfect Suzy-housewife, and I’d be lucky to ever get married with my cooking skills. (FYI, I’m actually not bad at cooking, and I know how to clean and do laundry, so I’m not that bad of a catch! ha ha). Mom was always busy being an amazing mom, and I was studying and being a stubborn semi-feminist. Anyways, I always thought that my sister-in-law was much more like my mom than I was, and this bugged me. She, too, is an amazing wife, mother, and homemaker, and it is really intimidating. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately though, for some reason, and this is my conclusion: My mom is a perfect “housewife” but she’s so much more. She’s so … dynamic and amazing. If I’m half the woman my mom is someday… wow.

I’ll always be daddy’s girl, but I’m my mother’s daughter too. It’s a fun thing to realize.

Thoughts on Saturday

2006-01-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

I can't do homework on Saturday. I can't do much else either, but there is just something inside me that rebels at the suggestion of being productive on Saturday. Saturday's are meant for sleeping in, relaxing, and in my case, feeling slightly “off” all day. It’s not a normal day, and my body knows it.

So, in light of the fact that I’m not doing any homework, what is filling my day today? Well, I watched “Love Actually,” which I’ve seen once before. It was definitely better the second time. There is one slightly disturbing story line, but also some really incredible ones, and as a movie about love, generally it is amazing. Not that I believe that love is what it is in the movies, but if the movie's message is supposed to be that love is defined differently depending on the relationship, and if the movie is supposed to make you want to find love, then it achieves it's objectives.

What do I know about love though? I’ve never been in love, but I thought that maybe I was once, a few years ago. There are just those people in life who, if they said, “marry me tomorrow, or never” you would marry them tomorrow. I’m a relatively practical sort of person, and based on his history, and how well I know him, I would probably say “sure, let’s do it.” I thought I might love one of those people once, but that was a long time ago, and he’s most definitely moved on, and so have I, honestly. Just sometimes you wonder.

After the movie was finished a friend came over to fix my computer. Yay for friends who are willing to help you, and expect food in return. Food I can do. Money is another issue completely. And now what? I’m going to go pour myself another cup of coffee, and maybe check what’s on TV.

I’ve done a lot of thinking lately (but that’s pretty standard, with an over-analyzer such as me). I have a problem with saying stuff that is not necessarily the most thoughtful or sensitive to the given situation, whatever it might be. Depending on the medium of communication, sometimes I can keep myself in check, but occasionally forethought slips away and I stick my foot in my mouth look like an idiot, and then live to regret it. I hate it that it’s so easy to hurt people, even without meaning to, when there are no bad intentions. It doesn’t change the outcome though. At least I have friends that will call me on it. I don’t think that I’m nearly as bad as I was in high school, so I guess baby steps are the way to go. Hopefully I don’t distance myself from too many people in the mean time. There are always things to work on, regardless of personality; this is just one of mine.

Another thing I’ve been thinking. I hate application forms. Particularly the “hobbies” section. I don’t really have hobbies, I’m not one of those super-athletic, team-sport type of people, and I’m not crafty enough to call “scrap-booking” a hobby, nor am I culinary enough to say that I “love spending time in the kitchen,” or anything like that. I don’t write enough, or well enough to say that I’m an “aspiring writer.” What do I do in my spare time, outside of school? Nap, watch TV, run errands, keep myself alive, just do life. The problem is that I’m not so inclined towards one particular area to a large enough extent that it can be considered a “hobby” in my opinion. Am I really that uninteresting?

Well enough deep (or shallow) reflection for today, maybe I’ll do a little reading. Reading is good, and it isn’t watching TV, so I don’t feel so guilty about it.

Theories etc.

2006-01-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

So, now that I have a new desk chair that looks a bit like (but isn't) black leather, I'm feeling a bit more official and possibly a tad smarter. In reality I'm just more comfortable than I was before. So, time for another abstract essay about the opposite sex.

I've come up with a theory about single Christian girls. I still agree with it a few weeks later, so I guess this is it. If you meet a single Christian girl, she's single for one of three reasons:

1. There is something really physically/emotionally/etc. wrong with her.
2. She honestly doesn’t want to be seeing someone.
3. She is one of many who does want to date but for some reason unbeknownst to her or anyone else barring God, she hasn’t discovered her soul-mate yet.

Now I would like to believe that number 1 doesn't apply to me most of the time, and as much as I would like to be a rock and be perfectly happy as a single girl, I know that that isn't true, so I'm basically a number 3, along with probably 97% of the other single Christian girls I know.

I was just talking to a friend of mine, and we were talking about the strange desire that many girls have just to be wanted by someone of the opposite sex, even if we aren't actually interested in them in return. Often, especially before you have ever been in a relationship, there is a desire just to be able to say "no, thankyou" because you just want to feel like someone thought you were worth persuing. You just want someone to think that you are good enough to be asked for your number. Its not some sadistic desire to have control or power to hold over guys, just the innate desire to be desired. (As a side note, it doesn't feel good to say no to someone, but the basic ability to be ABLE to say no far outweighs this issue in most cases).

This friend of mine also came up with the concept of the "that girl," and I'm going to steal this concept just for this blog. If I ever write a book, I'll credit her for sure with the idea. Every "girl group" has a "that girl." That girl is the girl that will get 85% of the attention if the girl group is faced with interacting with a boy group. She is the one that has experience saying "no" to guys, and she's the one that every guy her age and younger (and sometimes older) wants to take on a date. I had a friend like this in my high school youth group. She finally agreed to go to the movies with my little brother and the guys in the youth group idolized him for a while. Nothing came of it, but that is completely beside the point. The point is that she was the "that girl" of the youth group. Guys want to date her, girls want to be her, and no one, but her, knows what its really like to have her life. I was never a "that girl."

I was also talking to another friend, this time a guy, about the trouble with dating in church. There is a definite stigma surrounding the "in church relationship." In his words, "I think in the alliance (the denomination he currently attends, but basically, fill in any that you might attend) if you walk into the service together, then it must be pretty serious, and if you actually put your arm around someone, you may as well be engaged already. It might be a weak excuse for all the church-going fellas out there, but who can blame them for not being ready for that kind of commitment, in front of hundreds of judgemental people...?"

Now I see this guys point, and have yet to respond to his email, and I was talking to my roommate about it, and we think he might be on to something. When we hear about a new couple that is dating in the church, there is an immediate conclusion reached that they will probably get married, and they must be very serious already. If they are willing to hold hands in front of 200+ sets of eyes that will discuss them over Sunday lunch, then they have courage beyond most. The thing that I like about this whole situation is that it relied on the guy taking the first step. Most guys would say that they don't mind girls doing the persuing, but the problem with that is if the girl is the persuer then she lives with the lifelong question: "did I somehow manipulate this guy into liking me?" Even though he might claim complete and utter devotion to her, there is still an inkling of suspicion that if she hadn't acted, then he would have NEVER acted. That is not something that I want to live with. I don't think that girls are built for that, and I don't think guys should have to be persued. It might be too much to ask for some guy to actually step out on a limb on the chance that it might break off if he takes one more step, but I'm ok with that. I guess thats maybe one of the reasons that I'm still single. I'm not desperate enought to do the work. I want to feel valuable enough for someone to take a chance.

To all single Christian girls: I'm proud of you. Wait. I hate it, and it sucks, but if you want someone who wants you, no holds bar, and you don't want to worry about the "what if's" then keep it up. Waiting sucks, but the alternative is lifelong wonder, so in my mind waiting is worth it.

Now the disclaimer: don't sit at home waiting in a dark corner. If you are non-existant then there is nothing to be persued in the first place. Unless you are actually available then you can't blame guys for not having any guts.

Ok, thats enough for today. I have to go get a massage now.

3 Crazy Weeks.

2006-01-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was going to wait until I got back from Grande Prairie before I updated this thing, due to the dial up connection that my parents have out here. But a bit of prodding from the one person who reads my blog made me think otherwise. Its been a good, but busy, holiday. Much busier than I expected, anyways.

Here’s the rundown:
16th - got home
17th - dinner with Dan, Alician and James
18th - Davis’s for dinner, cousin Rachel has baby Leilah
19th - went to gym with mom and Karin, Shop till I drop for Christmas
20th - Finish Shopping, 1st day woke up with no headache. (since last week sometime)
21st - Bake!!
22nd - keep baking, see Narnia with Dad, Mom, Tannis
23rd - I forget. I was awfully tired by then.
24th - prep for Christmas dinner/day. Mom cuts hand open, goes to hospital with Dad, I make Christmas dinner. Insanity.
25th - Christmas! Fun, Crazy, Food was great, hallelujah!
26th - Boxing Day - Dan, Alician, James come out for day. Charity at home still, yay!
27th - No recollection of this day. I think it was relatively relaxing
28th - Massage. Ahhhhh
29th - Coffee with Edie and Jen
30th - Skiing at Powder King with Dad and Dan. Possibly best day of my Holiday. SO much fun. Only fell 3 times.
31st - See King Kong with Dan, Alician, Matt. Good fun movie - had splitting headache by end, due to sitting in same position for three hours with sore muscles from wiping out on 30th. Went home. Took drugs, slept, got up, hung out with parents and friends for new years.
1st - New Years Day - Church, Dan, Alician, James visit, play monopoly - fun!
2nd - Start organizing family pics from last 30 years. Hang out with Erin and Aaron, Go to Moxies and "Cheaper By the Dozen 2" with Tannis. Decide on Trip through states this summer. YAY!
3rd - Lunch with Grandma and Grandpa, keep organizing pics, dinner with Michael and Miriam.
4th - Lunch with Melissa, pictures
5th - pictures, Rachel’s baby shower for Leilah.
6th - so far, pictures, hopefully Charity will come out for the evening.

That’s it so far. I’m coming back to Sherwood Park on the 8th in the afternoon, and then my last semester of school starts. Profound thoughts on school? Nope. I can’t wait to be done. This semester will be crazy, I’ll be glad when its over, and then I’m going to go to Disneyland (literally - and the Oregon Coast, and the Redwood Forest, and the Grand Canyon, and possibly the Celine Dion show in Las Vegas. Yay Tannis!)

I definitely have not lost any weight this Christmas Holiday. Eating out, and eating so much so often does not lend itself well to "dieting." That will start on the 9th. Maybe.

I have read a few books while I’ve been home. I read the Princess Bride, which a friend gave me like 2 or so years ago. I had never had the time to read it, so that was nice. I am also about ½ way through "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" which is the 3rd book in the Chronicles of Narnia. My 9 year old cousin is on the 5th book - go Gabrielle!

In any case, I would like to stay here and deny real life for another week or two, but that’s not going to happen. So I’ll see most of you in the next week or so, and say goodbye to a few.

See ya’ll later - Merry Christmas, all the best in 2006!

Mommy and the Health Link

2005-12-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update:

The second I called mom the whole "I'm not crying thing" went out the window. I'm so stressed out and I just want this to be over so I can go home! (I'm a girl - so I'm allowed to cry and admit it freely.)

Mom said she didn't mix Ibuprofen (one of the things in the Robax) and Tylenol, but that I should call a pharmacist. I called the Health Link and she said that I could take Tylenol and Ibuprofen together, but not the muscle relaxant part of the Robax. So, I happened to have both Tylenol and Ibuprofen on hand (shocking, really) and I took that. Its really sad that in the last few years the ONLY thing I've called the health link about is dosages and combinations of medication. Why am I such a mess?

Please help my headache to go away...

Too stressed to think of something witty

2005-12-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

I knew this would happen. It always does. I think I'm doing so well studying and focusing, and a couple of exams go well and then I hit the wall. I get overwhelmed by what I need to know, and realize I don't have time to learn. By tomorrow I need to know the following:

1. Who is "the historical Jesus"?
2. What does it say about him in Matthew?
3. What does it say about him in Mark?
4. What does it say about him in Luke?
5. What does it say about him in John?
6. What are the messages of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, 1,2,3 John, and Revelation?
7. Anything and everything about the Psychology of Adolescents
8. 5 Chapters of a text book that I haven't picked up since the last midterm in November.

The problem is that I don't have time to know everything well enough. I could handle it if both exams were all mulitple choice. Multiple choice is easy. But no, I have to write essays and short answers. I have to come up with the information myself, "to make sure that you know it" they say, "because we want to test you on what you DO know, not what you don't," they say. Well I have something to say about that! Asking me to know this much information is like asking me to pour all the water in a lake into one glass. In tiny amounts it might work, and eventually you could empty the lake, but it is impossible to know it all at the same time. And it makes my life hell for several days. And no one can really sympathize. Those that are going to write the same tests as I am don't want to or have time to sympathize, because they're going through their own hell, and those that aren't writing any exams give me the "you'll do fine, you've studied so hard" crap. I want someone to suffer with me, not thousands of other students, but someone who is mine to torture with my stress-outs.

A few other things that I'd like to complain about? I've had a headache for the last 2 days that the doctors bloody "Robax Platinum" is doing nothing for. It is on the right side of my brain, which is new and fun, and it goes down the back of my neck into my shoulder. How is this possible? Simple. When you're sitting at a computer staring at a bright screen or sitting on a couch holding your head at a weird angle so that you can see both your notes and the freaking textbook at the same time, your eye muscles and your neck and back muscles get twisted strangely and if you're me, you get a headache that never goes away and which has had no effective treatement for the last 6 years. Another thing? I think I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrom or whatever the heck you call it. (I'm not typing this in Word, so its going to have tons of mistakes, but if I stare at one more word document I'm going to cry probably, so I thought it best to skip that part). My wrists hurt from typing and writing, because for me to study effectively I have to do more than just read the information, I need to write it and categorize it, and make notes or flashcards. I need to physcially learn it using more movement than just the scanning of my eyes. So, now my fingers and my wrists hurt. Physically, studying is worse for me than climing a mountain, I think!

Ok, I've sort of calmed down. I was feeling completely overwhelmed and almost broke down and cried 15 minutes ago. I was all of a sudden all hot and stuffy feeling, and now I think I might be able to study for a few more hours with the help of Robax Platinum and copius amounts of Tylenol. I'm going to call mom and see if its ok to mix those.

I still have no idea how I'm going to do well on my tests tomorrow. (a little sob)

A little evaluation

2005-12-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I have 3 exams left and I really should be studying for one, or all of them. I had to do some running around this morning, and I picked up a couple of Christmas presents, and then I had to wrap them, because I love wrapping presents, and then decorating them with ribbon and bows and fun name tags. Now I have 5 presents under my Christmas tree (which will be going home with me on Friday).

I’ve been thinking a lot about this last year. Evaluating it I guess. It was certainly not a bad year, but it sure wasn’t perfect either. So, here is a list (as usual) in semi-chronological order.

Good things:
Moved in with Erica
Finished second last year of school
Awesome job for summer (and now part time)
Traveled to: Calgary, Banff, Grande Prairie, Vauxhall, Irma
New Nephew! James!
Interesting classes this semester
Sewing machine – now I can learn!
Christmas decorating.
Christmas music.

Not perfect things:
Bridget getting run over. I miss her. (she was a dog, in case anyone was wondering)
Annoying lazy people.
First real boyfriend – not the worst thing, but not perfect.
Ending things with aforementioned person.
Midterms, Finals, Papers – anything that requires me to study or work hard for school

I’m sure there’s tons more good things, and a few more less-than-good things. I can add them later. I guess that I should get back to work.

Regarding Survivor

2005-12-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

After watching Survivor sporadically over the last few years, I’ve been thinking. Tonight is, of course, the finale of this season. I started watching it the first year I lived in Edmonton (2002), because my roommate at the time really liked it, so its what was on Thursday evenings. Then I watched it because other friends really liked it. I always went to "Survivor night" because of the socialization part of the evening. I don’t hate the show, don’t get me wrong. I get involved, and I start liking people and wishing others were voted off, but at the same time I was never NOT able to blow it off for a test or something. Tonight I was watching it (funny because I have a final tomorrow and I really should be totally focused on that), and I realized that I have finally decided what my favorite part is. I like the endurance challenges. Some people think that they’re boring, but I think they’re the best! Whatever happens, there is no “bad luck” involved. Its not a competition against anyone, but against oneself. No one can do better or worse as a result of another person, it’s just one person versus time, with very few variables to affect the outcome. Its very clean, cut and dry, simple.

Or maybe its just that I like watching people suffer in agony. I prefer the first idea though.

Strange Days

2005-12-10T07:42:00.000-07:00

It’s not a normal Saturday that I am up at 7:45 am. It’s not a normal day period when, at 7:45 am, I’ve already been up for almost 4 hours. (As a side note, I am now typing my posts out in Microsoft Word because someone noticed the spelling and grammar mistakes in the previous posts, and I wouldn’t want to ruin anyone’s reading experience due to my poor spelling and grammar).

What I have done today (in detail):
1. 4:00 am – got up
2. made coffee
3. 4:40 am – leave apartment with Erica
4. 4:45 am – pick up Denise, wash off lights with leftover snow (all dirty because of melting snow and wet roads)
5. 4:55 am – pick up Carolyn, drive to Airport
6. 5:30 am – drop off girls at Airport, hug them, wish I was going with them to California!
7. 5:35 am – drove away, sort of sad, sort of excited
8. 6:00 am – arrived back at apartment, not super tired, so I separated “clean” and “dirty” clothes for laundry later (bank doesn’t open till 10, and I need loonies and quarters, so I have to go get some before I can do laundry)
9. I also emptied all the garbage cans in my apartment
10. I also opened the sliding door, turned on the Christmas lights (outside and on tree) and aired my apartment out. For some reason it felt like it was 30 degrees in here.
11. Cleaned off my desk
12. Organized the stuff I have to study for finals next week.
13. Printed off notes from last midterm for my Ed. Psych class (I’ve been pretty much the opposite of a keener in that class – I figure the prof is lucky I attend. ha ha)
14. Realize that I’m out of black ink again. I might as well just stock up, I don’t know why it always disappears so fast… make a note to buy some later when I go to the bank.
15. Decide that I’m not quite tired enough to nap, so I write in this blog, and listen to the Varsity Blues soundtrack. (I love soundtracks, and this one is a classic).

So, as you can tee, I’m extremely efficient when I want to be. It’s really quiet around here, but it’s Saturday morning too, so I’m not sad yet. Now I have to separate darks and lights, and make a list of “stuff to buy” for Sunday School tomorrow. I’m teaching my own class, but also sub-ing for Carolyn in the other service, and its “celebration Sunday” meaning that I have to plan fun stuff for both classes to do. I’m thinking timbits, (coffee for me), maybe some Yahtzee and UNO (UNO does involve cards, so that could be a problem in a Baptist church.) Maybe I’ll find a website with some fun “icebreaker” games. I should get candy canes too, and a present for the girl who memorized the most verses this fall. So much to do!

In other news, and more generally, life has been pretty good lately. Classes ended, I have 4 finals this week, none that I am ready for yet, but that’s why it’s good that it is quiet around here. I’m pretty stoked for Friday, when I drive home! (Of course, its supposed to snow the whole way). I’m going home for over 3 weeks, which is almost a month! That means that I have to pack with this in mind. I have major issues with “over packing.” I am not a “one small suitcase and my carry on is a purse” sort of girl. I know girls like this, and I don’t know who I got this problem from, but its just something I must endure. I’m to the point where I figure, why fight it?

Ok, I’m starting to fade. I’m going to go have a nap before the sun comes up and the stores start opening. Good night!

Comments again

2005-12-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to re-enable comments. They have a word verification thing now, and hopefully it will stop the spam that loves to attach itself to my blog.

Have a good day all!

Go Party Girl

2005-12-03T01:50:00.000-07:00

So, I was at a real live party tonight. I do a lot of low-key "hanging with the girls" partying, but this one was a real live dance-till-1:30 to a stereo that is way to loud type of party. And it was really fun. I haven't partied where there was no movies or television watching occuring in a very long time, and this semester I REALLY haven't, so I was naturally a bit skeptical. Would I have fun? I literally knew NO ONE except Rosie, and I went purely for her benefit, because she knew only one person too. So, for the first while it was a bit quiet, people talking, but not to us, or if it was to us then it was pretty sporadic. Then we started dancing a bit, and then we found a super-fun song, which will remain anonymous, and then everyone was dancing, and then who cares who you know? FUN TIMES. In any case, I was going to stay home and study tonight, but I'm glad I did this instead. It's not everyday that you get to go to a strangers birthday. Happy Birthday Tim!

Now tomorrow I can really buckle down and study hard. I'm looking forward to it in an end-of-the-year-is-finally-near sort of way. 14 days from now I will be sleeping in my bed at my parents, and it will be Christmas break. Dad will wake me up on December 17th with a coffee, and I will go upstairs, and sit and eat breakfast and chat with mom and dad, and I will be so happy. Tomorrow will be my first day studying for a final exam, and so its like the beginning of the end. When I come back to school on the 9th, it will be the beginning of my LAST semester. After 6 years, its going to feel GREAT. Beyond belief. Its sort of a surreal thought. When I graduate, I will have been a student for 19 years, and Lord willing I'll go back to school a teacher in the fall.

Its 2:00 a.m. I feel like such a teenager! I stay up late so rarely that it seems strange. My roommates are asleep, but I'm not even that tired. Maybe I'll go see whats on tv... one thing thats great about dancing is its really good exercize. I weighed myself when I got home, and I weighed like 5 pounds LESS than this morning. Its supposed to be the opposite. I'm also parched, so my genius scientific mind is telling me that any weight I lost was not fat, but actually water. I'm so smart. SMRT.

I'm going to go fill up my glass of water and go to bed I think. My theory is that I'm actually a lot more tired than I currently feel, and that it won't take me long to fall asleep in reality.

Good night all!

-Party Girl...

Oh, what news...

2005-11-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

The last week of my life in a nutshell:

Monday: Midterm in Political Science
Tuesday: Fire in apartment building
Wednesday: Back to school, get extention on Anthro paper that was due today
Thursday: Help Denise go through her apartment, what a mess
Friday: Get midterm back: A-, Go Hannah
Saturday: Decorate apartment for Christmas, go Erica and Hannah, finish paper due last Wednesday
Sunday: Work on Religion Paper due Tuesday
Monday: Finish Religion Paper, get History paper back, B+, not so bad!
Tuesday: Hand in Religion Paper, see Walk the Line. Good movie. Snowy outside.
Wednesday: Hand in Anthro Paper: Hallelujah! Last paper of the semester.

Oh, did I mention that my apartment building was on fire? Check out the results:
Notice the lack of roof? Imagine what the top floors looked like...
But life goes on, I have another roommate now, yay for Denise! Erica and I had fun decorating...

So, life keeps changing, you meet new people, sometimes randomly and sometimes via your mother, and fall out of touch with others. Sometimes I get that feeling that I'm so completely out of the loop that I might never get back in it. Or maybe I was never in it in the first place. The thing is, this should bug me. It really bugs be when my friends are hurt from finding out secrets that they maybe deserved to know, or maybe just should have known because everyone else already did. I guess someones got to be the last to know, but why is it always us?

In my case, I should probably care more than I do. I guess I blame myself. This semester has been a gong show, and I haven't exactly made a huge effort to keep in touch with people. As far as the rest of my little posse goes, they're more important to me than knowing everything about everyone, or even somethings about some people. Friends are important, and I think because I've been such a hermit this semester, I've found out just how much better a few close friends are than a hundred acquaintences.

We have another Federal Election coming up in January. As much as I hope otherwise, I'm predicting another Liberal Minority. The ND's might gain a few seats, but the east is afraid to vote to the right, so the Conservatives will probably remain pretty much where they are. On that note, why are the Bloq even a party? I think that one requirement to have federal party status is that the party should at least claim to have the good of all Canadians in mind. The bloq are unabashedly a provincial party, and will remain so. Even the green party has small amounts of support across the whole of Canada. Maybe I won't vote. Who would I vote for? What a gong show.

A month and a half.

2005-11-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's strange to be writing this little monologue, isn't it? I mean, I don't technically know everyone that might read it, and I guess some pretty personal stuff does come up on occasion. But what is personal anyways? Some people do things, say things, think things that they don't want other people to know. They want to keep them in their person, instead of making them public to the world. Hence the word personal. I'm not a good "personal" person. I like talking about what is happening to me with other people. I don't tell people some stuff, like my weight for instance, or some dumb things that I've done that are just embarrasing, but most important things in life end up going in someone elses ear, so I guess maybe thats why I'm not so worried about who reads this. I'm actually surprised anyone does, because contrary to popular belief (ok, not even that - maybe more contrary to what I wish I was) I'm not that much of an interesting person. But everyone needs an outlet, and although I'm not really a writer, I'm not really a poet either, or a songwriter, so I figure writing is the least embarrasing way to vent. Venting in a song could end up sounding angry or worse, whiney, and poetry? Well aside from Haiku and iambic pentameter (thanks to my english teachers in high school) I'm pretty much lost. So writing it is.

I'm pretty mellow tonight. I'm listening to some Ben Harper song that a friend sent me over msn, and the way it sounds is exactly how I feel. The last month and a half (Since the last time I posted anything here) have been good I guess. Some fun-ness, some not so much, but basically just life keeps going, and I try to keep up. I've been getting a lot more headaches lately. This is the whiney part. I went to the doctor again today, and got different medication, and I really want to take one, but I can't until I'm ready to sleep, and I'm just not quite lame enough yet to go to bed at 8:30 on Friday night. You know, in high school and my first few years of college I always thought I was SO lame if I was at home alone on a Friday evening. I thought I should be doing something... everyone does something on Friday. Now, though, I am just fine being quiet and alone. Its nice actually. Life is so busy for everyone. Every single minute is taken up with something. If you aren't AT something, then you're on your way there. I can't wait for Christmas. I get three weeks off of School, and I don't want to HAVE to do anything. I just want to relax, drink hot chocolate, bake with mom, sleep in, and just sit. Just sit quietly with a fire in the fireplace, and a tree in the livingroom, and be content. Until the end of this semester there isn't really any down time. In fact, I have a midterm on Monday that I should be studying for right now. I'll get to it once I'm done with this little update.

Its going to be weird from about December 10th on here. My roommate and 2 of my other closest friends are going to California for the week. I'm so happy for them, and I would have definitely taken the opportunity to go if I were them. But that week will be so silent around here. I wonder if I'll like it or not. I've never really lived alone before. Next year I will, because I'm finally going to be done school and I'm going to find a job, and a place of my own. Mostly (like 98%) of me, is super excited to live alone to see what its like. But there is part of me that kind of feels afraid. Like pre-lonely loneliness. What if I hate it, what if bad stuff happens to me? Maybe in reality I want someone to live with me to make sure that I don't get hurt or something. I'm a pretty strong person, but I like being taken care of.

Maybe thats the worst thing about not having a boyfriend. I like the companionship. I miss having that person that you know is just going to do nothing with you on a Friday night, but its ok. Having someone thats just there. I miss that. Something feels wrong about moving out to be all by myself. I feel like I SHOULD have someone with me. But maybe this is just Friday night alone talking. (and a little Ben Harper and having a bit of a headache, and having a month left of school this semester, with graduation in April and real life looming ahead.) Ok, I need to quit thinking about all of this, and just think about today. And what I need to do right now. Which is study for my test on Monday.

Birthday count down

2005-10-02T00:03:00.000-06:00

Ah, just one more.

FYI: My birthday week has officially begun! Its now technically Sunday of the week in which my birthday occurs. That means that it is the week of my birthday: ie my birthday week.

Yay!

Funny me

2005-10-01T23:57:00.000-06:00

Again, two at once. But I didn't want to mix topics. This one will be short, I promise.

Now, I don't think that I am the most normal person ever, nor is my sense of humor. However, I didn't think that it was overly complex or too quirky to understand, either. But, I realized something interesting lately. There are some people who just don't get me. Now, some of these people are wonderful people, who I get along with just fine, and who I would even consider friends. Its just interesting that occationally I find myself having to explain my own jokes. It kind of kills the punchline. Its funny to think about though. I'm glad I don't have to explain myself to everyone, and I think generally people understand me, but sometimes I get this blank stare. Like the little msn emoticon with the straight mouth and round eyes. I love that one. It isn't every day that someone looks at you that way.

Makes me laugh. :

Decisions

2005-10-01T23:52:00.000-06:00

Today I was filling out a form for school. It was the kind of form that you start filling out very innocently. I like forms; I get to fill in my name, address, phone number. Then it gets to the part where I pick a local or regional placement (I’m in education – this would be practicum next spring), and reality sort of bowls me over. Oh my goodness. Local or Regional? Easy enough question, you would think. But sometimes questions have further reaching implications than you would think. I mean its not a “will you marry me?” type question, but I would have to say its higher on the importance scale than say “will you go out with me?”

You see, my placement comes at the end of my school year. Not only that, but it’s the end of my degree. And on top of that, it’s the end of me going to school as a student…. Ever. So, it’s a bit weighted you see. If I choose a local placement then it means that I stay here, in Sherwood Forest, for the last 2 months of school, then I maybe find a job for the summer and apply around here for work in the fall and try to find a new (read: larger, less intrusive on my roommate, who I love) place to live. However, if I choose regional? I move back to mom and dad’s, finish my last 2 months of school, and then apply for a job in the fall. It does leave the summer more open to less work, as I will have less expenses. Also, mom will cook for me during practicum, which is a huge help, as anyone who knows me understands.

Moving home means that there is a good chance that I won’t ever come back. It’s the end of this chapter, the end of an “era” really. I’ve lived in the Edmonton area for 4 years, and have been going to school for 6. At 22 that means that more than a quarter of my life has been spent going to post secondary school. And for those of you keeping count, I have spent 19 years as a student. 19 out of 22 is a lot of years. Now I realized that I’m going to get a trillion (or at least 1) email saying that “you’re never actually leaving school, because you’re a teacher, ha ha ha!” And as clearly as I understand that, there is a distinct difference between going to school on your first day as a student, and going to school on your first day as a teacher. Teaching is a job. I will get paid, I will have responsibility over young people, I will be an example (and hopefully a good one.)

But leaving here now means that I am leaving a lot of friends, a great church and a whole life really. Not that all of my friends will disappear into the part of my life I call my “past” or that my life at home has ever really ended. In reality, Grande Prairie is my home, and despite the sarcasm most people heap on it, I happen to love it. However, as much as I’m leaving here, what am I going to there? My closest family all lives in GP, and I have some very good friends there too. But not as many, and they all have lives currently that do not include me as an important part of their daily, or weekly, or even monthly, lives. So, going home, as wonderful as it is, does leave something to be desired, when it comes right down to it. Still, there is something in me that makes me want to end this part of my life with finality. To leave it behind (not the people or the memories, just the whole stage), and run. The thing is, I guess as I think about this all, there really isn’t any actual finality to any stage of life. Getting over/rid of the past isn’t ever truly possible. It is always there with you. I don’t think this time period is something I need to rid myself of either (as much as I hate exams), it just seems like it wouldn’t be the worst thing to shut the door (lightly, and without locking it) and go home to marmie and daddy and dinner on the table.

Something to pray about anyways.

FYI, RE: Comments

2005-09-29T00:27:00.000-06:00

Hi all. Just a note. I started getting automatic advertizements as comments, and this really annoyed me, so I made comments hidden so I didn't need to actually see the fact that crazy people are commenting on my blog. I'm not sure if you are able to comment either, and considering that like 3 of you actually do, I'm not sure if that is a very big deal. In any case, I figure if you know me well enough to comment then you also know my email address and you can send comments there. I don't want to post my email here though, due to scary people on the internet who will start sending viagra commercials to my inbox. Have a great day!

Africa, Canada and Gilmore Girls

2005-09-29T00:20:00.000-06:00

Currently Listening To: Hear Me, Kelly Clarkson. (GREAT song. My new favorite of the week).

Well, do I have some news! But first – about my day. Today I feel like I was extra productive. I went to class, and was not late, and I didn’t drink coffee AND I didn’t fall asleep in class! Then after class I went to Tim Hortons, where I did have coffee, and I had lunch and I studied, and then I went to Second Cup, and had another cup of coffee, and I studied all afternoon! Then I went to my night class and didn’t fall asleep during it either! (Most likely because I had finally caffeinated.) Also, it’s a class on the culture and people of Mesoamerica, and they practiced crazy things like human sacrifice and blood letting, and how can you fall asleep in a class like that?! It’s like reading National Geographic! (Which, as it happens, I also did today! I just got the new one. I haven’t had a chance to read all of it, but there are some great pictures of Hawaiian creatures and also the salt mines in Africa.)

Speaking of Africa, I just read a book where the main character went to Africa to work at a refugee camp. It made me think about living how I do, and question why it is I deserve to live the life I do, sitting here in front of my computer listening to Kelly Clarkson cranked on my head phones, when there are people out there literally dying. Like DYING. And I can be a good little conservative and say well, they should have just worked harder, I am blessed to live in a good country. I could have been born in some 3rd world African country wracked by drought, famine and civil war JUST AS EASILY. The thing is I’M NOT SPECIAL. It’s a fluke. If God loves everyone equally then it’s a crock to say that he’s “blessed” western nations with wealth and comfort. Western Nations like Canada may have pretended to build their country on “Godly principles” but in fact, when you look at history, we’ve turned around and given him the finger just like every other country in the world. The Bible says that lying is wrong, but even our LEADERS are rarely giving us the facts, and we don’t even expect them to! That’s the crazy thing! It’s INGRAINED in us to doubt people that WE ELECT. God invents marriage, we wreck it, half of us get divorced, the other half complain about their spouses. God invents MAN and WOMAN and we decide that man on man is ok because it TOTALLY WORKS. I mean, look at all the babies being BORN into happy same-sex parent families – oh wait. That’s PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. So, ya, I was born in a “Christian” nation. Sure.

But have I ever even given my twenty eight dollars a month to world vision? No. Because I need a new PDA and the Gilmore Girls on DVD. When I really start to think then I get scared because my good “conservative” roots start to look really selfish and questionable. Why the HELL do I deserve to live the way I do? I don’t. And people starving in Africa don’t deserve to live that way either. But never mind, I should keep my money and time because I worked for it, and giving it to people that actually need it is communist. So screw that. I’m going to go to bed and set my CD alarm clock, so that I wake up in time to drive my car to Tim’s and get a coffee before class. You know, I’ve been thinking. My bed is pretty rickety, and my mattress is hurting my back, so I should probably get a new one. Because there is definitely no better use for that money. There isn’t anyone in the world sleeping on the ground in huts.

Oh great – now I’m all frustrated.

On a lighter note, and back to the news that I have: I was watching the first season of Gilmore Girls tonight (you know, the DVD I referred to earlier) and it was Rory’s birthday. Now, her grandmother sent invitations to all the people in her class that she doesn’t like. This normally would be terrible, except that they showed an invitation on the screen, and (this is probably my favorite part of this day) her birthday is OCTOBER 8th! Now, to those of you who don’t realize the significance of this date, let me give you a hint: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY ON OCTOBER 8th!! So, starting on Sunday, my birthday week begins! (I will explain the concept of the birthday week on my next blog.)

Now that I have so much guilt I think that I will start sponsoring a child. That will appease my conscience for a few weeks. Sorry, don’t mean to be too ranty. It’s just the mix of this song and my mind over-thinking. (or am I over-thinking? hmmmmmm)

Honesty and other policies

2005-09-26T15:43:00.000-06:00

I think I'm going to start a new section of my blog: current music selection. I listen to a lot of music, and what I'm listening to often indicates what mood I'm in, so I think I'm going to start each blog with a "music" section. So, to begin:

Listening to: Oh Holy Night. By: so far, Celine Dion, Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey (slightly embarrassed about the last two), Kelly Clarkson... and a few others.

I have a feeling that this blog will be a little less than coherent. Not that my little rants are normally very well thought out, but this time I have a whole bunch of little things bouncing around in my mind and they need to come out somewhere, so this screen is going to be my victim.

First of all, I'd like to say that honesty, although the best policy is not the easiest one. I firmly believe that it’s always the right thing to be truthful, however sometimes it sucks. I wish that life was easy and decisions were easy and that explaining them to people was easy, but none of that is easy, and sometimes that is hard. Hurting people is hard, even though it’s sometimes necessary.

Well, the last few paragraphs were written yesterday at about 6:00 pm. Now its 3:44 September 26. I went to class today, and came home, and finished watching the pilot of the Gilmore Girls and eating some nachos and cheese for lunch, and now I should go do some reading for my classes.

There's been a lot of thinking involved in my life lately. Thinking about guys, and how complicated that can all be. I would recommend never needing to break up with someone. It just makes things hard and it hurts people. I would recommend meeting "the one" and being sure of them right away and dating for an appropriate amount of time, and getting engaged and smiling a lot and getting married and having 2.3 children and having a very happy and sterile life. It would make things so much easier if we came with little tags when we were born that said "Your name is Hannah and you will marry Bob so-and-so." Then you would google your future spouse and meet when you turned 18, so that dating could take place as necessary. I am definitely going to suggest this for the future. Finding your own person is just way too hard. I hate it.

Of course, my belief that there isn't just one person chosen for each person does sort of thwart the previous theory, but whatever. I'm allowed to have contradictory theories if I want to. I'm blonde - it comes with the territory.

I think that this little rant is going to turn into one of those "where are all the good Christian guys" things. Recently, a Christian guy told me that for the most part, Christian guys are not necessarily not interested in dating, they are just lacking in the "balls" department. (Mom is going to be upset that I used the term "balls" but to say that they are just scared doesn't really get the point across does it?) My dad wants me to write a book about Christian guys in the world today. Not that I've had a lot of experience dating these guys, however it’s more my (and other girls I know) lack of experience that is the subject of my book. The problem is that if I write it now I think that I will come across as a bitter and cynical feminist or something. I am not bitter or a feminist though, in real life, but I am a cynic and so if I could just write like a cynic then I would do alright. Another problem is that if I wait until I finally meet that guy and things are peachy then I won't want to write the book, or I'll be writing the book wearing rose-colored glasses. It will be one of those books that good little Christian girls read that basically says: I know it seems hopeless girls, but you'll meet your man someday - I did, and it’s wonderful! Then all good Christian girls run to the bathroom and throw up because they've been fed that line so often that their body is physically rejecting it.

Ha ha. I just read what I have written so far, and it makes me laugh. Oh, well. I hope some of you get a kick out of my ranting.

I’ve been missing home a lot lately. I know my mom knows this, because I’ve been calling every day and trying to think of fun stories so that I have an excuse to call. I’m sure she is slightly annoyed by me, but that’s ok. You’d think that I would be embarrassed to be 22 and excited to call my parents, but I’m not. They’re pretty fun people, and I like them! I can’t wait for Thanksgiving. My house will be decorated, and it will smell like turkey and stuffing, and my grandparents will be there, and everything will be wonderful. Plus, my birthday is the Saturday before, which means that I get presents! (Not to sound selfish or anything). In any case – I suppose that I should get some reading done. Or maybe take a nap. It’s a toss up. Maybe just a little nap. Then I’ll get up, make coffee and be good and study all evening. Yes, that is a great plan. Naps are my mom’s cure for everything. Feeling stressed? Have a power nap. Feeling sad? Power nap. Feeling apathetic? Power nap. And in case you are wondering – Feeling sleepy? Power nap. So whenever I should be studying and instead am tired and want to procrastinate, I call mom and she says “just have a quick power nap,” and then I can have a nice guilt free nap because mom said so.

So, good night to you all. I’ll be up in ½ an hour! (or maybe a couple ½ an hours.)

September 21: Christmas Music

2005-09-21T10:14:00.000-06:00

Well, I have 11 minutes before I have to leave to go to class. I try to leave 45 minutes before my class starts, which gives me 20 or 25 minutes to get there, 10 minutes to find parking, 10 minutes to walk to class and usually about 5 minutes to spare. I hate students who consistently come in late, or even right when the prof starts talking. Like the world should stop for them.

10 minutes: I don’t know what it is about this time of year. School is back in, the leaves are turning, and us Zacharias women start listening to Christmas music. I used to tease my mom mercilessly about this little habit of hers, and now at the age of 22 (for a couple more weeks) I am doing the same thing. Today, I actually wished it would snow! What am I turning in to?! I used to think that I could move somewhere that it would never snow and I would be happy. I could just visit mom and dad in the blustery north a couple of weeks a year and that would be my snow allotment. Today I’m re-thinking that line. I was listening to The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole this morning and I realized that I love the way I grew up. I love it that my house smelled like fall in the fall, and like Christmas at Christmas (and sometimes like fall and Christmas in the spring and summer).

6 minutes: I actually have found myself wanting to decorate recently. And not “interior design” decorate, either. I want to hang fall type garlands, and wreaths, and buy candles that smell like pumpkins and other fall scents. I think I might! (I mean the candles – I’m not sure how excited my roommate would be to come home to a house overtaken by fall.) I don’t know what is happening to me. But I like it.

4 minutes: I listened to “Oh Holy Night” on 3 different cd’s this morning – Nat King Cole, Trans Siberian Orchestra, and Point of Grace. It is BY FAR my favorite Christmas song. I think that I’m going to download it by as many people as I can find, and make a whole cd with just one song, over and over. Ooooooo – now I’m excited. It will be my favorite.

2 minutes: Confession: this is not the first time in the last few weeks that I’ve listened to Christmas music. Ha ha ha.

1 minute: better post this, and go to class.

Clay Pigeons and I

2005-09-06T23:03:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I think that God must have had a lot of fun picking personalities for all of us. We are all some strange combination of our parent’s personalities, with a bunch of life and other “nurture” stuff thrown in, and then we “are who we are.” My mom, for instance: she is the world’s greatest wife and homemaker, the best person I know at anything that is stereotypically feminine and kind. Similarly, Dad is the best guy at anything “manly,” and his personality complements his abilities.

Then there is me.

You would think that I might have gotten the best of both of them. But no. Instead I’m talkative, loud and opinionated, like my father, and slightly crazy (but fun) like my mom. Instead of getting Dad’s decisiveness and mom’s desire to work in the kitchen and provide nourishing meals for her family, I got Mom’s quirks and Dad’s voice. Lovely.

On Monday I spent the day at home. Mom and Alician were in the kitchen making applesauce out of the crab apples they had picked, and Dad and Dan were outside shooting trap. And where was I?

Shooting Trap.

Again, could I BE more feminine? Sometimes I think it’s no wonder that I don’t have a boyfriend. I have some “feminine” qualities, and some “masculine.” Is it really that much of a surprise when I am called “intimidating?” I don’t think so. Considering that I have done more “guy” stuff than many guys have, and I’m not as good at most “girl” stuff as most girls are, I’m actually not that shocked at my dating history.

Not that I plan on changing anything.

I like that I can do stuff that most girls can’t. I love it that I’ve had “guy” jobs, and that I’m not afraid of guys in general. I don’t really like it that it’s not this innate desire to be in the kitchen providing for my “future husband,” but I also think that this comes with the territory, and when I have that sort of a person in my life I will enjoy (or at least not dread) doing those things that are generally filled by the role of the wife.

My personality has helped me out in some ways though, and I’m not complaining about who I am either. I am very thankful that I’m more of a “leader” than a “follower,” and I am also very thankful that I’ve managed to make relatively good decisions throughout my life without making 20 wrong ones first.

It’s just interesting what God makes of two completely different people, and how some strange combination of DNA and environment can create a person unlike any other person in the entire world.

By the way – trap shooting is really fun, and I did manage to hit 2 out of the 12 or 13 (or maybe 14 or 15) clay pigeons. Hey, I just said it was fun, not that I was any good!

Major Events and Chairs

2005-08-24T17:46:00.000-06:00

Now, I realize that two posts in one day is sort of overkill for me, but I have realized that there has been a major event in my life that I have not mentioned. I have noticed that I don’t really talk about what happens in my life, more just what I’m thinking about. This actual, tangible event, though, deserves a little recognition. Yesterday, I went school supply shopping. This event, usually taking place several weeks before I start a new school year, is the single most exciting shopping trip of the year. I have a deep love and affection for office supplies of all kinds. I am not biased towards one brand over another. Pencils, Pens, Erasers, PAPER, oh my! White-out, HIGHLIGHTERS, dividers, report covers…. It’s all so exciting!

For me, it’s better than buying clothing, food, technology, makeup, or jewelry. To open a new highlighter is to open up a whole world of possibilities. My favorite line in “You’ve Got Mail” is not at the end where Meg Ryan says that she had hoped it was Tom Hanks who was emailing her all along, it’s right at the beginning where he’s writing about New York in the fall, and how he’d send her a bouquet of pencils if he knew her address! A whole bouquet! Now, wouldn’t that be lovely! It would be better than flowers for me! School supplies are fresh, and they don’t go bad after a few days. They can last all year long!

What a joyful occasion in my life. Don’t get me wrong - I love shopping in general. I love new stuff, no matter what it is. Literally. I can buy a new bottle of Tylenol and be excited at the fullness of it, and the fact that I get to open the seal all by myself. I even love opening cans with a can opener, because whatever’s inside has never been seen before by any shopper. I love taking tags off new clothes, and assembling whatever I’ve recently acquired from Ikea. But there is nothing quite like school supplies.

I just thought I’d share that with everyone.

Also, I spun around on office chairs in Staples. You have to try them out. It’s just not right to walk by and leave them sitting there all alone.

Cliques and Geeks

2005-08-24T15:18:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess the point of this blog has become a bit hazy. At first it was to keep people updated about what was happening in my life, and to give people a bit of a different perspective when it comes to me. Now it’s more of a journal type thing, which other people read. So, I feel like I need to update it not just to keep people up-to-date on my life activities, but also because I need an outlet. Strange that my outlet is this super-public website, barred to no one.

Today’s topic is going to be cliques, with maybe a few cryptic other-type thoughts thrown in.

Cliques are something that most girls in the world, including me, are intimately familiar with. I grew up in a church that was known as a “clique-y” church, and I was part of an almost impenetrable clique for most of junior high and high school. Cliques are nothing to complain about if you’re part of one. And I was, and I knew it. We weren’t mean to other people (ie. Girls) but we didn’t make any attempt to include other people in our “circle of friends.” We knew we were that way, and because we were content with how things were, we didn’t change anything. College changed things a bit, but I think that girls naturally form these super-close knit groups with each other. We are built for relationships with other people, so we like having the security of a “best friend” or a “clique.” Quite often there are even “cliques” within cliques that are only known to those who are part of them.

Cliques are also terrible things. When you aren’t part of them then you feel left out, lonely and confused, wondering what you can do to become part of it, or what you did to get left out of it. Girls in general (or maybe it’s just me) tend to have lower rather than higher self esteem. We say things like “It doesn’t matter to me that I’m not going” or “I don’t want to hang out with them anyways” and tell our best friends the truth, that we’re hurt and sad. Eventually what we say becomes truth though. We stop caring. We harden our hearts and what other people do or don’t invite us to doesn’t matter, or if it does, we barely feel it anymore. Sometimes the strength of women doesn’t come from their heart, it comes from being forced to deal with hard stuff, and therefore become hard themselves. This isn’t the way it should be, but this is the world, and this is life, we tell ourselves.

Cliques are about comfort if you’re in one. Cliques are about confusion if you’re not. And people are selfish, and oblivious, and I’m a cynic. So when it comes to changing this, I’ll watch out for myself, and try and be inclusive, but I have no faith in people realizing where they’re at themselves, and examining into their own hearts.

As far as my own life goes, recently, I’ve been content. Not in upheaval in my heart, and not worried. It’s been nice to have a bit of peace. Being single again is nice, honestly. Not because I get some sick pleasure from hurting guys, but because, for now, it’s where I need to be. The future is the future, and I’m deciding to rely on God for today and for whatever tomorrow holds.

I can’t believe it, but I’m actually excited to go back to school. Not because I hate work (I actually really like my job) but because it’s the beginning of the end of school, and because I’ve got some really good classes this fall. I’m taking a couple Anthropology classes about the cultures of Middle America and West Africa, as well as a history class that should cover the reformation and stuff that I’m interested in, and a religion class on early Christian writings! I’m so excited! I love options! I think I’m going to be one of those people who keep learning through their whole life – I think they call that geekiness. So I guess you can be clique-y and geeky.

Thinking about today...

2005-08-16T10:07:00.000-06:00

I figure if I’m in front of a computer all day, it’s as good a time as any to update my blog. It’s been a while, and as usual, things have changed again. Not everything, but some things. I’m still as busy as ever, and I still feel like I need about a week off of life, but that’s not about to happen any time soon. I think I should plan a trip for next summer, and that will be the one big thing for me to look forward to. Maybe I’ll just drive, and see where I end up. I wish that I knew a lot more about cars, then I could go by myself, and not worry about breaking down, but at least I have AMA.

I need to become more spontaneous. If there is one thing I am NOT it is spontaneous. My life is planned, and I pretty much know what I’m doing for the next several years. This is not only due to my lack of spontaneity, but also due to a lack of money and the necessity to pay off student loans and other forms of debt I’ve incurred while my living expenses have been higher than my income.

I’m not really that spontaneous in relationships either. Which is why, though I might have jumped into one, it took me only 3 short weeks to jump back out. I don’t think I ended things with no reason, or even that starting this relationship was a complete mistake. There was just too much I was unsure about, and stuff that I couldn’t get over quite yet. Being in a relationship is fun, don’t get me wrong. Having someone who somehow thinks that you are worth hanging out with as much as possible, and who doesn’t see the worst in you isn’t something to complain about.

The thing is, my mind doesn’t usually just stay “in the moment.” My mind works pretty linearly – and so regarding time, I tend to think in the future. This isn’t always an asset when it comes to relationships, because this means that I think of the future in things when I’ve only been dating for a few days really, and if that future is hazy, I get scared. I’m not good at unknowns in life; I like control. So, in this case, I wasn’t sure about things, and I don’t like to put off the inevitable. I want to make sure what I’m doing is right, and not just hope that it will become right in the future.

It sucks, don’t get me wrong. Breaking up is not the easiest thing in the world to do; in fact, it’s probably one of the hardest. Breaking up with someone as great as the guy I broke up with is both much harder than your stereotypical break up (if there is there such a thing), and at the same time, much easier. On one hand, I knew that breaking up with this guy was the right thing for the time being, and that he would just take it and not be mad at me. I knew he would suck it up, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to argue with him to end things. On the other hand, it’s unbelievably hard to knowingly hurt someone who thinks the world of you, and who you think the world of. There are a lot of terrible things I would rather do than break up with someone who has never wanted less than the best for you.

That’s another thing. Nothing changed while we were dating. He didn’t do anything “wrong” to make me NEED to break up with him. I probably shouldn’t have started a relationship with him when I did, I should have waited till I was more sure of things in the first place, but I didn’t. And then I got to back track, which is a very hard thing to do.

I suppose I’m relatively content with where things are now. NOT being in a relationship but still being friends is tough, considering that some stuff becomes habit, but I think that we can handle it. As far as the future goes (there I go again – thinking in a line) who knows? There’s always hope that it will all work out, but for now, I need to concentrate on today (which seems to be pretty much impossible).

What is there to say?

2005-07-26T11:24:00.000-06:00

I'm a bit afraid. Can life just continue to get better, or is something going to go terribly wrong soon? I hope not.

We were planning on waiting till the end of the summer to officially date. That didn't work out so well. So, now I have a boyfriend. Interesting, and so much fun!

There's not much to add. I'm actually looking forward to the fall, because this summer is so busy. By September 10th, I'll have gone to 5 weddings and will have been away for at least 7 or 8 weekends. My life is crazy, and I feel like I pass up a lot of parties just to hang out at home! Ha ha.

With the fall though, things will slow down a bit, I hope. I will still have busy days, but i should have some time to relax. Maybe... hopefully...

Hopeful

2005-07-21T11:34:00.000-06:00

Well, life is pretty stellar right now. I’m so content, and so happy, and I find myself just grinning to myself randomly. I feel a bit like a geek when that happens, but not too bad. I think I can deal with the perma-smile, though, as long as stuff in my life keeps going in the same direction as it is now.

I’m going home in a week or so for the long weekend to see my family. I haven’t been home since June, so I’m pretty excited. My little nephew will be another month and a half older, my grandparents are up from the States, and I get to spend Saturday on the farm relaxing. I can’t wait for the down-time.

I love not having anything to complain about. I don’t think that I’m giddy, but I’m just full of happiness. Even stuff in my life that does sort of suck, like debt, and going back to school in a month or so just doesn’t seem all that bad.

This is sort of a boring entry today. It’s a “yay for me, my life is fun” one, which really doesn’t explain why life is so great. I’m just so excited about where my life is heading, and to see what happens in the next year or two.

I’m meeting some friends of a good friend in a few weeks. This good friend is becoming very important to me, and I think that me meeting his friends is important to him, and I don’t want them to think I’m completely ditzy or a "bad match" for this friend of mine. So, I’m a bit nervous. What my friends think of this friend is important to me, so it’s understandable that what his friends think of me would be important to him. What if they hate me!?!?! That scares me.

I don’t think they will, but I haven’t met his family yet either. What if his friends don’t like me? It’s not exactly a good omen for meeting his family! All of this stuff is so new to me. It’s strange being nervous to meet people, because I’m never nervous. I’m relatively outgoing, and usually get along with people. I just don’t want to feel like I have to prove something.

But that’s the worst worry in my life right now. I don’t exactly have a lot to be upset about. And that’s the way I like it.

Baby Cool Your Jets

2005-07-09T00:37:00.000-06:00

Today was good. It was great actually. One of the interesting things about having an excessive personality is that you hit extremes sometimes. When I woke up this morning I never would have guessed how it would end. But it ended so much better than I figured it would when it began.

I realized some stuff about a relationship, thanks to a good friend and my big mouth and my blog. Then I freaked out (thats the excessiveness in me) about the speed of things, and didn't know what to do. Then I spilled my guts to the guy I freaked out about, and felt a bit better, and then I talked and talked and talked.

In any case, it was all very necessary, and calming. Sometimes I wonder why people are friends with me. I can be so far up and then so far down, and then I hit this calm where things are a bit more clear, and I'm sure all of this changing makes people confused...

Things in my life needed to slow down, and they will. There's still hope for the future, but the future isn't tomorrow, or even next month. I have time now and I was able to be honest and just talk, and somehow what I said made some sense to who it needed to make sense to.

I just want to press pause sometimes and slow down. My life seems like a freight train this summer, and I need to hit the brakes before I jump the track I think. Tonight that started to happen, and after tomorrow this whole pulling back thing is going to spread to other parts of my life. It has to, or I'm going to go even more crazy than I already am.

To all who are friends with me: thanks for putting up with me. I'm all over the board, and I feel like I just need someone to stop me. So thanks. I know I'm a bit much to deal with sometimes.

(And to Rosie: you are exactly what I needed today. You rock, and I hope you know how special you are.)

Possibilities ....

2005-07-08T10:22:00.000-06:00

It’s been a while since I added anything of any significance to this little online “Hannah tell-all” and some people (Hi Rosie) have been bugging me to update it. The thing is, I need 2 things to be able to update this blog. The first is time, and the second is a subject. Since today work is really slow, and I’m here all alone, I finally have time, and because of some strange turns of events and realizations that have happened in the last week or two, I think I have a subject. Its probably going to be one of those cryptic, few people will get it types, I think, but if you really want to know what its all about then you probably know me enough to know my phone number and you can just call. Its not that I’m very secretive, it just seems weird to publish names and stuff when they aren’t my own, and maybe it makes stuff easier to talk about when it’s not so blatant?

So, things in life a good. Pretty great in fact. I’ve done A LOT of thinking over the last month or so, and dealt with fun subjects such as “what does God want for me?” and “what do I really want in a guy?” and things like that. Of course, I seem to pray a lot more when things are more intense in life, but I’m very at peace about where all my thinking and praying got me. I can look forward to the future a bit more now. I have hopes that might actually come true someday.

For the first time, there is someone in my life who I can see a future with, who might actually see the same thing in me. This thought completely freaks me out, because I don’t really know where things are going with him, or when, and I’ve never actually had a long term relationship. At the same time I’m completely excited about finding out what’s going to happen with this, and where it might end up!

There is always more to relationships than “he likes me and I like him.” There are things I’m still unsure about, and I’m sure there are things about me that he is unsure about, but at least I can talk to him. I’m not jumping into anything with him or moving too fast by any stretch of the imagination, nor am I idealistic that the way will be paved. I’m just happy with how things are now, and interested to see what will happen.

Who knows?

Update

2005-07-02T15:06:00.000-06:00

Update: The consequenses for that last little endeavor were minimal, thank goodness. I was worried for little or no reason. I will probably never know what people thought, but I do know that most people don't verbalize their every thought, like I seem to do accidentaly.

The Fallout

2005-06-22T07:40:00.000-06:00

I'm a bit of an impulsive person. Not with major expensive decisions, but with small, spur of the moment types. This sometimes gets me in trouble, because I don't always think before I make these wonderful decisions. Thankfully I haven't made any life changing non-thinking decisions yet, in fact, its been a while since I made any that had any consequences whatsoever. That is until last night. I made a quick stupid decision and 10 minutes later, after I thought it through, I completely regretted it. This decision probably won't alter the course of history, or even REALLY the course of my life. It might affect me today though, and possibly one other person's day, who it also sort of involved. I don't mean to be so secretive, but I'm pretty embarrassed that I did what I did. It wasn't something terrible, or a sin or anything, it was just a stupid thing to do at the time. In any case, I have to go to work, cross my fingers and dread the fallout.

The Phantom of the Opera

2005-06-19T00:14:00.000-06:00

So, I ended up with a person anyways. I met my friend at walmart and then we went to Safeway and then Blockbuster to try and rent Hitch. As you may have guessed by the title, we didn't actually end up seeing Hitch, because there were none there, but joy of joys, it was a guarenteed rental, so I get to rent it free at some point in the near future.

We actually watched The Phantom of the Opera, which both she and I have seen several times, and we also both have the soundtrack. I love the music. Its so romantic and intense. I want to be so in love with someone someday that we just randomly break out into song. (Or at least the thought crosses our minds - I'm not sure I should just break out into song without warning people).

I actually find the Phantom more desirable than Raul in the movie. They chose a very manly Phantom, and left Raul more soft and feminine. I have long accepted the fact that I love "man's man" types of guys, and the Phantom is one of these, even with severe facial issues. I think I could get over those issues, if need be. Unfortunately he has some pretty deep seated emotional baggage that may require counselling at some point in his life. That could put a kink in our new found relationship.

Ah well. It is time to sleep yet again. I have to teach Sunday school in the morning, and that requires me to be at church at 8:45. Not exactly rising with the sun, but for a weekend it is relatively early. Good night!

What do you do?

2005-06-18T18:12:00.000-06:00

Say you have a day. One day to do anything you want. It rains, so you don't really want to go outside, but otherwise you can do whatever you want. Thats my day today. I had one plan today: at 11:00 I had to go to Blessings and look at Bible Study books. Mission accomplished. I was home by 12:30, and the rest of my day was clear.

I watched Orange County, a movie from a few years ago about a kid who wants to be a writer. Then I had a nap, while the guy who was fixing our bathroom made loud noises with various air compressors and other machines. It was the strangest thing. I would momentarily wake up whenever a new noise started and then fall right back asleep. I slept from like 2:00 till 5:00. What a waste of a day, some might say. I think I just needed the sleep. I feel pretty great right now, except for the fact that I just finished a bag of chips, and I usually feel lousy after I eat chips. I sometimes wonder why I keep eating them, when I know I feel gross after.

Now I'm writing in this blog, with the end of The Breakfast Club playing in the background. I've seen it before so I don't really need to watch it to know whats happening. Now the question is: What will I do this evening? Some of my friends are out for supper, then Bowling and Bingo. I could definitely go with them, and probably have a lot of fun. I could probably call other friends and do something else with them, maybe see a movie or something. As great as all these people are though, there is something inside me that just wants to be alone for one night. I'm never alone. Not that being with my roommate is bad. I'm at least with her most of the time, and she's the greatest. I never feel crowded or anything.

I could go for a run in the rain. It would probably be refreshing (for the 2 minutes that I could last running until I have a heart attack and have to walk) but it also requires that I change, and honestly, I don't want to wreck my hair. I happen to like it today, and being in the rain makes it go super curly and crazy.

A friend of mine that I haven't talked to in a long time is going to call me in a minute. I was just talking to him on msn. I'm excited! Then I think I'll go to walmart. he he. I love walmart

In other news . . .

2005-06-17T00:19:00.000-06:00

Tonight was great. Erica and I made dinner for a friend, and he made our website look a million times better. So, if you are interested in a heck of a lot of pictures, check it out: www.theblondes.org

I love the fact that guys, as a rule of thumb, will work for food. So, to Colin and Kevin: Thanks, hope the food was worth the work!

New thoughts

2005-06-17T00:15:00.000-06:00

I learned some things about me today, and about guys, and about me and guys. It was a bit of an eye opener for me I guess. I don't really know how to react to new realizations, especially when they are about me.

I generally don't think of myself as someone who affects guys. I'm not one of those girls who walks down the street and knows when guys are looking at her, or who walks into a room and makes heads turn. So when I got a warning from a friend today about something I was doing, and how it might not be completely appropriate around the company I was with, I was a bit floored. Then I felt really guilty, because I hate girls that act a certain way just to get attention from guys, and I really really don't want to become someone like that.

I also became aware of how I talk to certain guys as well, today. I know I'm a bit of a flirt, but I always figured that it was because I am a naturally talkative person, and nothing has ever resulted from my flirting, so I don't think of it as a problem. The last thing I would ever want to do is to lead someone on, and end up hurting them. But, I realized today that maybe what I say and how I say it does have an affect on some guys. Perhaps not many, but there may be one or two. I don't want to hurt anyone, or be a negative influence in anyones life, so it was a tough thing for me to learn.

So, by the end of the day, I felt like I had grown up somehow, and lost something, a naive part of me that I won't ever get again. And I'm not mad at the person who made me aware of these things, I'm just kicking myself for not realizing them sooner. And I guess I'm a bit sad about it, because now I know I will be so much more aware of what I say, and what I do around guys, and I really enjoy just being able to relax and just have a good time, and not worry about that sort of stuff. I grew up a bit today, and I feel older because of it.

Not so bad

2005-05-31T23:21:00.000-06:00

Recently, my life has seemed upside down and complicated on the inside, but relatively serene (well, as serene as I get) on the outside. Tonight it doesn't seem so funny. Tonight it seems more ahhhhhh. Like I can breathe, and I don't have to think about the implications in taking that breath. Its nice, what can I say? I'm going to get up, and take a nice walk in the morning, and life will be positive, though still relatively complicated.

Its a matter of choice, you see. I can choose to be discouraged and frustrated about things I can't really control (which is most of the time), or I can choose to be content, and keep moving forward in life, regardless of the twists and turns that happen. And I'm going to choose the latter. I can decide, I think, to accept that God has made me who I am, and that He has allowed things to happen in my life that don't always make sense. Because if strange things that I might not be able to handle on my own happen, well, we have a great God, and He is so able to handle everything. So this is me, giving my troubles to God, yet again.

Changes

2005-05-30T21:17:00.000-06:00

Well, things have changed, as they have a tendancy to do. And this was no simple change, but one of those complicated, where do I go from here types. Not that anything has actually changed on the outside. In fact, the changes are the kind that I can't even really talk about except to a few people, who know me very very well. And I'm not even that good at keeping secrets! So far, like 3 people know, 4 if you count the person who caused the changes, and I guess 5 if you count me.

I guess the changes are the kind that affect you inside. My life looks the same, but it really isn't. You see, the thing that changed is something that happens so rarely for me, that I am going to rememeber it for a long long time. In fact, I can count the number of times this has happened to me in any significant way on one hand. And then ususally I just remember it, and my life goes back to "normal" which isn't interesting or fun, but it is less to think about.

I guess its kinda fun having a tiny bit of a soap opera myself, instead of living my life vicariously through my friends, who usually have much more interesting stories. And the attention isn't bad either. It's just the constant thinking that is strange. Usually I can get stuff off my mind pretty quick, but, like I said, this sort of thing doesn't happen often, and therefore has more of a tendancy to stick with me. And its the kind of thing I want to keep a secret, which I'm bad at, because I'm self-involved and like talking about my life. Which is basically why this blog works so well, if a bit cryptically, at least for tonight.

Some Advice

2005-05-28T00:41:00.000-06:00

So, I've been thinking about guys, and what I would say to them if I could be really really honest with them. And this is what I came up with:

If you want a girl to like you, treat her like a million bucks.

Make her believe that she is the only person capable of making you feel the way you feel about her. Don't just buy stuff for her all the time, or say how pretty she is. Just act like it. Complements and material possesions are great, but if girls don't know by your actions how valuable they are to you then all the praise in the world means nothing.

If a guy made me feel like I was so special to him, and so important to him, that his life would never be the same without me, it would be very very hard for me to turn him down. Girls just want to feel like they are important to someone.

That's it. Pretty simple.

Girlfriends and Country Music

2005-05-27T19:39:00.000-06:00

There is one thing that really annoys me. It annoys me beyond belief. It annoys me because it is my nemesis: the one enemy I can never escape. This is that thing: every single guy who I have ever seriously liked (and most that I have maybe-sort-of liked) has had a girlfriend. I suppose it could mean that I like decent guys, I mean, they were at least good enough to get some girl to like them back. It makes no difference to me though, because I am NOT that girl. Ever. This is (lamely) one of my biggest annoyances in life. I guess I just figure that I am not that terrible, and if I am even pretty normal then why is there no available guys who it makes sense to date? Aside from a few guys in my past, a couple that were actually pretty great, I don't even get asked out. What could be that wrong with me? I wish someone would just tell me, and then I could fix it. Nothing like posting your insecurities on the internet, huh?

I suppose that is why Country music was invented. It makes you feel like dancing when you know you are about to cry, and it lets you cry when you really need to. Its never angry or yelling, and you never turn it off more mad than when you started listening to it. In the house that I grew up in, there was Christian music, and next best was Country. Rock, Punk, and Dance were, for the most part, bad and worldly. But not Country. It was the music of God's country. It has changed a bit since then, but to me, it's still completely necessary. I guess I'm thankful that I did grow up in a place where it wasn't "uncool" to listen to country, because no matter what anyone says, I'm still going to like it.

Country music was invented for girls like me. Girls with bad luck, who need help sometimes, and would rather die than pay someone to tell them they are unbalanced. Girls like me who have more insecurities than people know, but who sometimes just need to let go.

My worry is that I'm actually the only girl that thinks this way. Maybe I am not a girl that guys even contemplate dating. Maybe its NOT just that I'm not easy, or that I'm a little bit fat, or even that I'm intimidating. Maybe it's something much bigger and deeper, something that is so very wrong with me that my inner soul doesn't even know it. Thats what really scares me.

That's my little rant for the night. To summarize: why are there no good single guys, thank goodness for country music, and could it be that I am inherently undatable?

Fun Days and Bad Moods

2005-05-25T21:04:00.000-06:00

What an interesting day it has been. I have been at a seminar for work for the last 2 days. I have a great job that I really can't tell anyone about in any detail. I'm not like CIA or something (but wouldn't that be cool?) but it would sort of be a conflict of interest I suppose. And, as this thing is semi-public, I probably shouldn't elabourate. Not that it would actually matter, because the only people who check this know what it is I do anyways.

Anyways, I saw the Queen in person yesterday, and I was probably within 4 or 5 feet of her. She even looked at me and I smiled. I met so many different people, who I talk to on the phone all the time, so it was great to put faces to phone numbers. This morning I went to a few lectures and stuff and then a few of us went to the Olive Garden and Ikea this afternoon. I bought a new desk organizer type thingy, and new hangers and a new lawn-lounger thing as well. Boy, I am not good at describing them. Unfortunately, just saying the name of what I bought isn't going to help, because all the merchandise at Ikea has names that don't make sense in english, like FIRA and MACKIS. In any case, I'm happy with my new purchases, and now my desk looks much prettier.

Unfortunately, I'm in a bad mood also. It is lame, but I had my feelings hurt by a couple friends, and I'm sucky at confrontation, so when I did talk to one of them I cried, because thats my natural reaction when under almost any type of stress. You might say, she is just a girl, that's what all girls do, but I honestly didn't used to be like this. Admittedly, I could never watch a movie without crying (even StarWars episode 6, embarrasingly enough). However, in normal conversation, and especially when I'm mad at someone, I used to be able to be stern and even yell when necessary, and stay completely angry. Now I have absolutely no control, and I just lose it. I'm a complete basket case. I wonder if perhaps I need professional help - ha ha.

So, if you were me, what would you do if you were in a bad mood? Well, write about it of course, and then post it on a website for everyone you know to read. Because that will help the situation- really. Somehow, writing is cathartic for me though. And maybe I shouldn't be posting these sorts of things for my friends to read, but maybe its ok, becuase that way I don't have to tell them what I'm really feeling, and they can know anyway. Writing on this website seems to happen when I'm tired, frustrated, sad or just mellow. Possibly not the best times to be writing, considering my reputation for happiness and perkyness, but whatever. I'm sure my lovely reputation will live, regardless of this posting.

Whyte and Boys

2005-05-21T02:19:00.000-06:00

What do frisbees, Whyte Ave, harmonicas and Vanilla Bean Lattes all have in common? They were all part of my evening. It was fun to play frisbee, but then we went to Whyte and then it wasn't so much fun at first, and then it was just interesting. All sorts of people trying to impress other people, mostly by what they look like. I feel sorry for these people, because they think that their value lies in what other people think of them. I don't think I'm better (or any different on some days) but I'm glad that I have assurance that I'm important to someone, even when it doesn't really seem like it. Which brings me to my next point.

What is wrong with guys these days? (Ha ha, that sounds very male bashing and feminist.) Let me clarify. I love guys and I am not really a feminist at all. But, the question remains . . . what is wrong with them? I hang out with a group of girls who are all single. (minus one who is fly fishing with her boyfriend this weekend). Now, you might assume that my friends and I have something wrong with us, perhaps we are hermits, or mentally unbalanced (which actually may be possible, but it is pretty doubtfull), or maybe, just maybe we are all oddly shaped or (*gasp*) ugly. The thing is, we really aren't. Now I am no supermodel, that is for sure, however I don't think that I'm the strangest looking person on the planet either. As for the rest of my friends, even discounting me and my singleness, they are all very pretty and maybe a tad more normal than I.

So, therein lies the confusion. If we are all relatively normal, above-average looking girls, then why are we all unattached? It is not as if we have a sign blinking above our heads that says that we are unavailable. Its not even that we're just unattached. Its that aside from a few drunk guys on the street, we aren't getting asked out either. What has become of the male half of society? Are girls THAT intimidating as a group that it just isn't worth it to risk pride to find out if a girl likes a guy back? Are guys really just not "ready" to settle down until they are 30? Are there enough girls who make themselves blatantly available that quality guys don't have to do the work anymore?

I don't know. I don't want you to think that I am bitter or angry, just a bit sad and awfully confused. Where are the quality guys, and what has happened to them that they just aren't going for the quality girls?

CSI, OC and other Acronyms

2005-05-20T00:04:00.000-06:00

Would I be lame enough to write about pop-culture television shows? Absolutely. I am nothing if not lame. (And addicted to several Thursday night shows). Thank goodness for finales. At least I can pretend that I am above television dramas and other emotion sucking stories that drag you into their lair through the powerful force I like to call . . . well, I don't actually have a name for it, I was just going to try and sound smart.

I suppose you could say I'm an emotional person (I didn't used to be - its a bit embarrasing now), or perhaps I have an addictive personality (which is why it is good I never started drinking heavily). Maybe that is why every year I say I will not get addicted to any shows, and why every year I end up with one or more that I must watch at least 3 nights of the week. This year it wasn't AS bad, but having a roommate that is possibly more TV addicted that I didn't help.

I wish I could be one of those people who "doesn't watch much tv" or "doesn't have time for it." I always wished I was an artsyish sort of person, who knew all the good new indie sort of bands, and all the neat grungy sort of coffee shops, but I'm not. As much as I hate it, I have to admit that I'm more than just a bit mainstream. Not only am I NOT artsy, but I don't play the guitar, I don't occasionally paint, and I (*gasp*) have a science degree. (I suppose it is to my benefit that I am not actually using it at this point in time). I also like a few bands I shouldn't I suppose, and I drink A LOT of Tim Hortons coffee. (Addictive personality + low on funds = necessity for cheap-but-decent coffee).

I should really sleep. I always end up writing these things at night when I'm tired and probably too honest. Oh, and by the way - CSI was intense, and I cried in The OC. Then I called Lindsay and discussed the implications of the end of the show - which I will not give away.

Split Personalities and other Disorders

2005-05-18T23:29:00.000-06:00

Writing in these things is a bit strange. Almost selfish. I have decided to devote a whole space of information on the internet to me. Just me. What I do, what I think, what I feel. I guess that there is a choice people can make: to read or not to read, but regardless of their choice, this very space is still me.

I just finished reading a book. Well, a whole series actually. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, by Ann Brashares. I know, there is a movie coming out soon, so it it very cliche for me to be reading them right at this very moment. Oh, well. There really isn't a lot I can do about that. The fact is that I have read them (there are 3 books), and I loved them, and I sort of miss them now that I am done. Books to me are the great escape. They are a way to forget my flaws, my issues, my insecurities, and become someone different.

I normally find myself identifying with some character in the book. In these I really really wanted to identify with Bridget, and in some ways I suppose I did. She is outgoing, blonde, tall and talkative. However, she is also extremely athletic and completely fearless, of which I am neither. Who I am like at a deeper level is Carmen. She has a quick mouth that gets her in trouble, she feels things very deeply, maybe more deeply than most people know. Carmen will fight for what she wants and knows is right. She has a tendancy to be selfish though, and has two alter-ego's "Good-Carmen" and "Bad-Carmen." I have the same two personalities.

I can be good Hannah (which is the Hannah that most people know, and that many people think defines me). Good Hannah is perky, smiles, laughes, dances and flys. Good Hannah is Loud and Fun. Good Hannah is who I am in public most of the time, and at home some of the time. Good Hannah is who most people would write about if they were asked to write a paragraph on who I was.

The other part of me isn't Bad Hannah, as much as it is just Plain Hannah. Plain Hannah isn't fun and crazy and bouncing off the walls, she is the one that writes and thinks and walks. Plain Hannah sees creation and is amazed, but is quiet. Plain Hannah is the one that can sit in the car in silence, listening to road sounds and be settled. Most people don't know Plain Hannah, but I like her best. She is the one that my husband will fall in love with and who he will write about.

(There is also Bad Hannah - but she hides most of the time, and I am hoping that she goes away sometime). Ha ha.

Cities and Mountains

2005-05-08T20:50:00.000-06:00

I just got back from a weekend in Calgary and Banff. I think that maybe I'll move there someday - Calgary I mean. What a beautiful drive home this evening! The sun was shining through the clouds, and the grass and trees are turning green, everything is finally alive again!

I saw my parents in Banff and they took me and Erica and Denise for lunch, and then on a carriage ride around the town. Our drivers name was Ron and he wore a cowboy hat, and we got a picture with him! (We took A LOT of pictures this weeked) The mountains amaze me. I mean, it's like these huge rocks just jutting out of the ground - like someone just pushed them up or something. I mean, they have no real reason, except to put people in awe of nature, and the Creator. There are so many other things that God could have put in their place, but he chose mountains. It really puts you in your place. Who am I to God, when he can make that? And yet, I am so important to him, so small and insignificant feeling sometimes. What a great God!

Anyways - the weekend was great - saw a couple of movies, ate some nachos, did some walking and hiking, had an ice cream cone, and thoroughly enjoyed the break. This week I'm going to have a Star Wars marathon with Erica. Oh, the excitement!

Coffeemakers and Headaches

2005-05-05T18:54:00.000-06:00

I get migranes. Not the paralyze you-can't function-stay home from work kind, but the dull roar for the next two days kind. It will sort of lull, worsen, and then almost go away, and then come back with a vengance. Not the best part of my life, that's for sure. I'm actually typing this with one hand, so that I can hold ice up to my left temple.

I got to work this morning, and like I do every morning, I dumped the cold left over coffee from yesterday, poured water in the machine, added coffee grinds, and pushed the start button. Today there was a problem, though. I got to the "push the start button" part, and it wouldn't work. I mean, it wouldn't even move. I have no idea what is wrong, I jiggled just about every part of that machine, and nothing helped.

What does one do in this situation? She leaves work, gets into her car, drives to the nearest Tim Horton's and buys an extra large double double. Normally it would only be a large, but I felt as though I deserved a bit more for my trouble. Ah, crisis averted.

Random thoughts on life

2005-05-01T20:37:00.000-06:00

So, I was sitting in Church this morning, and we took communion. It was about the time where you can pray with friends or family or whatever, and I was trying to think of prayer requests . . . when I realized that I had nothing to complain about. Usually prayer requests are things that are wrong in life, that I need help with. But I could not think of one. I am so content right now, its almost scary. I'm almost afraid that something terrible will happen to upset this amazing balance I have in life. I suppose that that would be ok though, because for one day, today, I am completely at peace. Its pretty sweet. I quit one of my jobs yesterday. I have a full time job now that classes are over and a very sporadic part time job.

I quit my part time, so that I could have all my weekends off this summer. I worked at a bookstore, which to me is just about the perfect job. I wasn't really happy with the way this particular bookstore was run though, and if I ever work at one again I want it to be a small one, with books that I pick, and a coffee shop that has no affiliation to Starbucks or the like. I want all the shelves to be made of dark solid wood, and I want to have many chairs and couches that are covered in a very dark soft warm fabric, and I want to know all of my customers by their first names. I realize that this sort of bookstore probably won't make any money, but I think that it will be more fulfilling than any other job I've ever had. I'm excited about it.

Enough babbling. I'm going to go finish reading a book I've read before, or maybe watch Life as a House. (a good movie - with a few too many f-words)

My first posting

2005-04-27T23:10:00.000-06:00

Yay! I have a blog. I have no idea what "blog" means, but oh well. Last night Erica, Denise and I went to the Killers concert! It ROCKED. I think it was one of the best rock shows I've ever seen. Probably THE best. Then this morning I wrote my last final of the year, which means I only have one year left of school ever. Yay! Then I made supper for Erica and Denise and Colin, it was Spaghetti and Meatballs, Caesar Salad, French Bread, and Punch, and it was so good. I'm really proud of myself. Colin set up our website (we basically picked the name and thats it). So, in a few days it should be up and running with pictures and all kinds of fun! Enough of today. This is really fun.